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Internet Oracularities #372

Goto:
372, 372-01, 372-02, 372-03, 372-04, 372-05, 372-06, 372-07, 372-08, 372-09, 372-10


Usenet Oracularities #372    (26 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 14 Nov 91 14:27:34 -0500

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   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   372
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

372   26 votes 07946 18962 00989 01b77 1e362 37466 168a1 3e810 11888 15695
372   3.3 mean  3.3   3.0   4.0   3.8   2.8   3.2   3.2   2.3   3.8   3.5


372-01    (07946 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and mighty oracle, [etc etc etc]...
>
> There's a problem that's been running on my Timex Sinclair of a mind,
> yet requires your Crayness to figure out...
>
> Please tell me:
>    Why does it take 9 days for a letter to arrive from my bank located
> a mere 15 minute walk away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me explain:
}
} Checking account
} Overdraft notice
} Envelope
} Stamp
} Mailbox
} Mailbox post
} Mailbox flag
} Cheap Blue Jeep Mail Truck
} Driver
} 15 Beers
} 19 Long Islands
} 5 shots of whiskey
} 1 cheap blonde
} Collision with Maxima
} Enraged driver of Maxima
} Baseball bat to head of Enraged driver of Maxima
} Cop car
} Detective car
} Ambulance
} Neighborhood kids
} Concerned moms
} Excited dads drawn away from football by the spectacle
} Harsh words
} Violent words
} Words best left unsaid
} Words that would violate a parking meter
} Departure of concerned moms
} Brawl in street
} Football game in street
} The lull before the storm
} Law suit
} Prosecuting attorney
} Defense attorney
} Baseball bat to the head of the Prosecuting attorney
} Resignation of defense attorney
} 25 shots of whiskey
} Violent rampage through courtroom
} 7 day sentence for disorderly conduct
} Pipe bomb in jail cell
} Death of Driver
} New (Prudish) Driver
} First love
} Collision with Maxima
} Similar events
} New (Seasoned) Driver
} Mid-Life crisis
} High speed delivery of mail
} Speeding ticket
} Pleading
} Lying
} Cursing
} Apologizing
} Kneeling
} Pushover cop
} No speeding ticket
} Ego boost
} Realization of falsity
} Reckless driving through streets of Los Angeles
} Mailbox bashing
} Contractor hired to rebuild mailboxes
} Fight with boss
} Seasoned Driver fired
} Miracle
} Mailbox
} Recipient
} Pipe bomb in Mailbox
} Death of recipient
}
} Seems pretty straightforward.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Lead/Steel alloy Mailbox.


372-02    (18962 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wish I weren't copyrighted.  Can it be reversed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is an interesting fix you got yourself into.  You weren't paying
} attention were you?  The copyright elves snuck up behind you and
} stamped that little circle with a "C" in the middle right in the middle
} of your forehead, didn't they?  And now you want to know if it can be
} reversed.  Well, no, it can't...at least not easily.  You'll have to
} wait 50 years until after the elf that stamped your forehead dies, and
} even then, you'll be in the public domain.   Then, anyone can use you
} for whatever they want.  So, be prepared, because you'll probably be in
} anthologies, libraries, and on K-Tel records for at least the next 50
} years.
}
} In payment, you're required to give the Oracle a copy of all
} photographs from Playboy that have been scanned into computers.


372-03    (00989 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                           Oracle Form #3534992
}
}
} This is perhaps the [ ] largest duck       that the Oracle has ever
}                     [ ] worst rash
}                     [X] most unexpected news
}
} received.  I had [ ] Chinese for lunch today  and I'm [ ] hungry again.
}                  [ ] diarrea all night                [ ] sick as a dog.
}                  [X] no idea that you felt this way   [X] very surprised
}
} How [ ] amazing      of you to [ ] realize  that!   Perhaps you and I
}     [ ] inexcusible            [ ] give me
}     [X] daring                 [X] ask
}
} should [ ] roast this sucker        over  [ ] an open fire.
}        [ ] consult with a doctor          [ ] at the clinic.
}        [X] talk things over               [X] at your place.
}
} Now, [ ] hurry up          because  [ ] I'm hungry!
}      [ ] check yourself             [ ] things might start falling off
}      [X] let me know quickly,       [X] I'm anxious to hear from you.
}
} Signed,
}
} The Oracle
}
} For payment you are required to [ ] bring barbaque sauce
}                                 [ ] pay the doctor's bill.
}                                 [X] give the Oracle a kiss.


372-04    (01b77 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh Oracle, who's folicles are like stands of mighty oak.  Why
> am I losing my hair at such a rate that I'll look like Telly Savalas or
> Sinead O'Conner in a couple years?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Probably too much radiation coming off your monitor.  You should really
} get out more, enjoy the warm breezes and the sunlight.  Then all you
} have to worry about is lung and skin cancer.
}
} But you needn't worry about your future.  As the two names you
} mentioned demonstrate, many bald people (or, as the politically correct
} among us would prefer, those who are folically challenged) have gone on
} to have quite fabulous careers.
}
} Let's see if we can find you something in show business.  Here, read
} this:
}
}   "Who loves ya, baby?"
}   "The Players' Club card - now it's even easier to throw your life
}    savings down the crapper."
}
} No, I'm afraid you haven't quite got the voice to be the next Telly
} Savalas. Try the following:
}
}   "Nothing compares 2 U"
}   "It's not just the US, I refuse to have _any_ national anthem played
}    at my concerts."
}
} Ugh, even worse.  You were a half a tone flat on the first, and you
} didn't sound at all convincing on the second.  I'm just about out of
} ideas. Try this one, if it doesn't work we'll start looking into wigs.
}
}   "Ahead warp factor 7.  Engage!"
}   "Anti-lock brakes!"
}
} Bingo!
}
} You owe the Oracle a quart of Minoxadyl.


372-05    (1e362 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you hear the one about George Bush and the snapping turtle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I did -- I'm the Oracle, and thus I've heard them ALL!
} I didn't like it as much as the one about Margaret Thatcher and
} the industrial vacuum cleaner though.
}
} You owe the Oracle the one about Boris Yeltsin and the Russian Bear.


372-06    (37466 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   You are one of the top users of diskspace on the iuvax.
>
>   iuvax.indiana.edu%du ~oracle
>   1203492E+2394
>
>   The use of so much disk space by you is now giving other users
>   "file system full" errors. Please clean up unused files and
>   directories immediately or the system administrator will have to do
>   it for you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       FOOLISH MORTAL!  You DARE to threaten the Eternal Oracle with
} your puny System Administrator!  You DARE to suggest the Mighty Oracle
} be constrained by the petty needs of so-called "other users"!  You are
} DOOMED!  Only death can save you from my wrath!  Now hear the Curse of
} the All-Knowing Oracle, wretched human, and tremble!
}       You shall watch "Flying Nun" reruns until your eyes melt!
}       You shall listen to Barry Manilow until you pull off your own
}       head! You shall eat frozen lima beans and drink domestic light
}       beer! You shall never know where your towel is!
}       And most hideous of all, you shall program in FORTRAN for all
}       eternity!


372-07    (168a1 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most pucilanimous Oracle, whose ostentation extends beyond the
> heavens, Oh fount on antinomian sagacity, grant me this one request,
> and my visage will darken your hovel no more,
>
>      "Why doth the little busy bee?"
>
> RSVP.  Dinner at 4.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good Person, it is obvious from your egregious use of the Olde English,
} that you consider yourself a gentleman and a scholar, and so I will not
} give you the usual blow off answer that I usually give when interrupted
} from a rousing game of 'Hide the XWindow' with Lisa for such a measly
} question as the one you ask.  Instead, I shall provide you with a very
} well thought out and deep answer.  However, this is going to take
} several days preparation, and several materials will need to be
} provided by you in order for this answer to be forthcoming.  For that
} reason, I request that you perform the following actions in order to
} make the proper preparations both for researching the answer, and to
} provide yourself with the proper respect upon your receipt of same.
}
} First, we'll consider things you must do to adequately aid in the
} preparation of the answer:
}
}       1) Find a four pronged diffle switch.  This is a signifigantly
}          difficult thing to do, and I wish you luck.  If you want
}          some advice, I suggest not bothering with your local hardware
}          store if you don't want to be locked up as a clinically insane
}          mass murderer.
}
}       2) Locate the West Pole.  Use any definition of the west pole
}          which you deem appropriate, as long as it doesn't distinctly
}          contradict the definitions of either the north or the south
}          pole.
}
}       3) By the light of the full moon, you must find four Holstein
}          cows, with green eyes, and bring them to your local computer
}          cluster, from there count the number of people who think it
}          odd that you are logged into a mainframe and have four
}          Holsteins with green eyes with you.  Divide this number, by
}          the number of people who are there, but aren't quite sure that
}          you exist.  Finally, take this number and multiply by 42 and
}          add 5.
}
}       4) Return the cows and count the number of angels dancing on the
}          head of the pin that is sticking out of your shirt collar.
}
}       5) Take all of this information and place it in a Converse Shoe
}          box with the words 'Things to Do Today' written in green magic
}          marker on the back.  Bury the shoebox in a graveyard by the
}          light of the new moon, and wait.
}
} To Prepare yourself for receiving the answer, and hence, enlightenment:
}
}       1) Consider the Lilies of the field, they toil not, neither do
}          they spin.  Ponder this.
}
}       2) Spend a month focusing on your belly button.  While doing this
}          chant the phrase "I shall not disturb the Oracle when he is
}          with Lisa" over and over again.
}
}       3) Die.
}
}       4) Resurrect yourself.  Start a religion based on your heavenly
}          hostness.
}
}       5) Ignore Steps 3 and 4.
}
}       6) Rise with the sun, set with the moon, and never ever deal with
}          a dragon.
}
}       7) Wait for the answer accompanying an advert in your local paper
}          that is of someone selling a Bridge in Brooklyn.
}
} You are most Welcome,
}
}                       Oracle.


372-08    (3e810 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracular Wisdomehead, whose flatulence knows no bounds, whose
> very thoughts do ripen past their prime in but a millisecond.
> When is the stinkweed in bloom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The stinkweed, when grown under the proper conditions, is, in fact, a
} perennial.  However, as most societies do not have either the humidity
} or gross tonnage of raspberry jam required, it typically reverts to a
} biannual cycle, blooming on or about the equinoxes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dozen roses and a nice, candle-lit dinner, post
} factum.


372-09    (11888 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle,answer me this:
>
> Why is chalk so chalky?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because everything must have its opposite.
}
} What do you mean 'huh'?  In the good old days one of my short, cryptic
} responses would have had people from near and far discussing the
} implications for days.  Now it's "Not good enough, Oracle," and "Do you
} think you could explain that, Oracle."  Man, these .3 microsecond work
} days are really getting me down.
}
} OK, to explain.  In the early days of the Universe, when then Gods were
} still working out the details, it was decided that everything that
} existed should have its opposite.  This was supposed to make the
} Universe beautiful and symmetric and stuff like that.  There was plenty
} of Dark around, so one of the first things to be made was Light.  Every
} particle was given an anti-particle (although Eris managed to make some
} particles their own anti-particles, just to confuse future physics
} undergrads).  Every person was designed to have an Evil Twin, although
} usually the Twin is separated from the original by at least a continent
} and a few centuries, to avoid the embarrassment close proximity could
} cause.  Even television shows, which were millenia away from being
} produced, were guaranteed to have their opposites.  The opposite of
} "Leave it to Beaver" is "Married, with Children" and the opposite of
} "Quantum Leap" is "The Facts of Life," to name some examples.
}
} Finally, the major work had been completed and the Universe was ready
} to be switched on.  But just before the big moment, one of the junior
} Gods noticed that there was no opposite for fish.  Well, at that
} advanced stage no one was really up for a new design, so they just
} decided to create an object with all the characteristics fish don't
} have.
}
} Where fish are alive, the new thing had to be inanimate.  Where fish
} are wet and slippery, the new thing had to be dry and powdery.  Fish
} come in a variety of rainbow colors, the new thing would have to be
} monochromatic.  Since fish can not be used to write on a blackboard,
} this is what the purpose of the new thing would be.  Hence, chalk and
} its properties.
}
} You owe the Oracle a chalk drawing of a fish.


372-10    (15695 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and anoleagenous Oracle, please tell me, _do_ vegetables play a
> large role in my future, or won't the dreams come true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm... Let me look this up... annoyance, anoint, antagonize... oops,
} too far... anoleagenous! Yes, here it is, an ajective meaning: learned,
} wise, farseeing, hungry, extremely well endowed, and possible
} presidential material. I commend you on the conciseness of your
} govelling and deign to answer your question.
}
} Yes, some vegetables WILL play a large role in your future, while
} others are merely sprouts. At the risk of changing the future, let me
} give you a few words of advice:
}
}   -- Always dull the points on your carrots.
}   -- Never put more than 23 brussel sprouts in your mouth at once.
}   -- Beware uncooked broccoli and those who wash with it.
}   -- Never, Never, Never peel two large tomatoes, stuff them in a
}      seamless bra (C cup), put the bra on backwards, float face down in
}      a public pool and shout as you come up for air, "Oh Lord, give me
}      a sign!"
}
} Follow these simple rules and you will live a long and happy life.
}
} You owe the oracle the largest cucumber in your refrigerator (It's for
} your own good...:).


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