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Internet Oracularities #373

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373, 373-01, 373-02, 373-03, 373-04, 373-05, 373-06, 373-07, 373-08, 373-09, 373-10


Usenet Oracularities #373    (27 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 16 Nov 91 09:31:37 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

373   27 votes 1c662 26d51 267a2 17c70 16992 02b86 1a484 86922 38853 36a44
373   3.0 mean  2.9   2.9   3.1   2.9   3.2   3.7   3.1   2.4   2.9   3.0


373-01    (1c662 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, whose eye boogers I'm not fit to stare at, please answer me
> this mundane, yet puzzling question:
>
> Why is it that when you're in a hurry, it always seems as though you
> hit every red light?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish mortal!  You're not supposed to HIT the red lights, you're
} supposed to STOP at them.  Next time, heed the little printed warning
} on the back of your tacky cardboard sunshade, and remove it from the
} windshield before driving!  Where did you get your license, anyway?
}
} Oh, New Jersey?  That explains a lot.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent public-transit system.


373-02    (26d51 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great, wonderful, spiffy, fluffy, soft, furry, Oracle...
>
> Why can't I buy the creamy center without the twinky?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah.  Another problem that hath vexed man for the ages.
}
} This dilemma encompasses many other snack-time treats as well, such as
} Little Debbie Swiss Cake rolls, and even the King Don's.
}
} The creamy centers of all these 'afternoon snack cakes' are taken from
} the same mine shaft in south-east asia (I forget the country, they all
} change names, borders and governments so often that even the Oracle
} has trouble keeping them straight).  Long ago this stuff was widley
} available in it's raw, purest form.
}
} One day a U.S. Senator, deprived of this awesome substance as a child,
} decided that no other teens should be exposed to any substance that
} would give them enough energy to leave the sofa and actually enjoy
} themselves.  After all _he_ grew up doing nothing but reading the
} works of our founding fathers ans studying Latin.  All children should
} grow up _his_ way instead of shooting baskets or playing freeze tag.
}
} So, he banned this substance fromall US imports.  Seeing that an
} entire market would dry up, this substance had to be hidden from the
} every wary supermarket shelf patrols, they encased the nectar in
} spongy cakes.  In case the Senator saw through their scam, the new
} products had to withstand years in warehouses while lawyers could
} fight the legislation blocking their sale.  As a bonus, the new mutant
} cake created was able to withstand any xray scanning US customs could
} give them.
}
} Though this Senator has long since left office, and most parents care
} little what their kids eat or drink, this import ban could probably be
} lifted any day.  But I'm sure Congress is too tied up with justifing
} their own existence these days to bother. Unless, of course they get a
} pay raise out of it.
}
} You owe the Oracle limits on terms in both Houses of Congress.


373-03    (267a2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, why do Orange tic-tacs have more calories than other
> tic-tacs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE CENTRAL: This sounds like a job for the Very-reliable
}                 Prognosticator. Get the VP on the line, immediately...
}
}          [Suddenly, at OT&T (Oracular Telephone and Telegraph) the
}           oracular message swithing network (version 2139198232.0.0
}           installed yesterday) goes off line... traffic signals fail,
}           deities collide in mid air, inter-dimensional travel is shut
}           down, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!CHAOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
}
}          [One minor result of this chaos is the misdirection of the the
}           above oracular request...]
}
} AIDE OF THE VP: Hey, somebody get his little majesty over here. Some
}                 idiot asked him another question.
}
}          [In walks the VP wearing an expensive blue suit, white shirt,
}           red tie, and Hop-Along Cassidy secret decoder ring. A small
}           carrot protrudes from each of his ears.]
}
} VP:   Hi guys! I'm ready for Dan Rather now! Just let him ask me a
}       toughie, I'll just duck the question by pretending I can't hear
}       him through the carrots. Brilliant, eh?
}
} AIDE: (in a monotone voice) Yes sir.
}
} VP:   Now Jim, how do we address the vice president of the United
}       States?
}
} AIDE: Yes sir, your supreme majesty, whose carrots I am not worthy to
}       pick.
}
} VP:   That's better. Now what's up?
}
} AIDE: Some mere citizen requests that you to answer a question.
}
} VP:   ... requests that WHO answer the question?
}
} AIDE: Some mere citizen requests that YOUR MAGNIFICENCE deign to answer
}       his lowly question.
}
} VP:   That's better. Proper grovelling is a must in Washington. Give
}       yourself a 25 cent per week raise.
}
} AIDE: Thank you... your gross gratuitousness.
}
} VP:   Very good. Now let me see the question.... Orange tic-tacs?...
}       WHAT! NO GROVELLING! I mean the "O great Oracle," is a good
}       start. After all, I did predict the end of that recession thing.
}       But nothing more. I don't think I'll answer this question
}       although I AM perfectly capable.
}
} AIDE: But sir... great, big, throbbing sir, you MUST answer it. It
}       could be another test from you know who, checking to see if you
}       are on the ball enough for another four years.
}
} VP:   Oh. Well, OK. Take a memo.
}
} AIDE: Yes, your flatulence.
}
} VP:   To whom it may concern: I am ready willing and able to live up
}       to the duties of the vice presidency. I have completely overcome
}       that carrot problem, and am ready to tackle the tough questions
}       facing this country. For example, why do ORANGE tic-tacs have
}       more calories than other tic-tacs, say red, white, and blue ones?
}
}       That's simple. Because the only people who eat ORANGE tic-tacs
}       are communists! Just look at that sickle think on the Russian
}       flag -- ORANGE! And we all know what happens to communists: they
}       have to wait in long lines for vegetables, their walls fall down,
}       and they can't build a coup, chicken or otherwise, worth a damn.
}
}       Sign it, "THE Vice President of the Unites States, now and
}       forever, J. Danforth Quayle!" Send that out TODAY!
}
} AIDE: Yes, may your neurons someday fire, SIR!


373-04    (17c70 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondrous Oracle, whose PC never has IRQ conflicts, whose files
> are never corrupted, whose power supply is never interrupted,
> whose operating system is greater than Windows and OS/2 combined,
> please tell me:
>
> Where did I park my car?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, hmm. Good question. Lemme check the ol' crystal ball.
} (You didn't think I logged onto my Internet resources for *everything*,
} did you? Come on, even -I- get nostalgic occasionally.)
}
} [ Gaze gaze gaze... spray spray, rub rub... gaze gaze gaze ]
}
} Hmmm, here we go! Lesse, you left it in the parking lot to
} "Big Rod's Adult Mags and Implements" ten hours ago. Just look for
} the car with the headlights left... er, oh wait, oops.
}
} It's in aisle 4, three cars in.
}
} You owe the Oracle the jumper cables when you're done with them.
} Mine froze and broke last winter.


373-05    (16992 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do squids have sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm tempted to say "very carefully" ,but that would be the easy way
} out. Actually,the answer is quite simple......
}
} first,the male squid puts on his best tuxedo.
} Then,the female squid wears her best perfume (eau de rotting fish) and
} dresses quite sexily.
}
} The male,upon meeting the very sexy female,asks her to dance.
} They dance and he moves all of his arms all around her body until she
} either slaps him ar invites him home.
}
} Then,with a Johnny Mathis album playing at her home,the squid join
} together by entwining arms and inking each other until orgasm.
}
} A typical encounter sounds like this :
}
} "I'm gonna ink! I'm gonna ink!"
} "Don't ink yet! I'm not ready to ink!"
} "Don't worry babe,I have lots more where that came from"
} "Oh,shit,you inked inside of me! And I'm not wearing my diaphragmclam"
}
} and so it goes in squidville....
}
} You owe the Oracle 3 minutes of sexual gratification.


373-06    (02b86 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, my darling,
>
> You are the most handsome man in the universe and beyond.
> I am the most beautiful woman in the universe and beyond.
>
> Will you marry me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course, my sweet!  For I have known our love was destined since the
} beginning of time.  Being the Oracle, how could I but know?
}
} But the path of true love is never smooth, and so it is in our case.
} For you know our parents would never approve.  Let me show you a
} glimpse of the future should we plan to wed:
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} We will invite our families together and announce the engagement.
}
} Instantly, your father will jump up and yell "How can you marry that
} lazy bum?!?  He doesn't even have a real job!  Where are you two going
} to live?"
}
} You'll try to tell him of my fabulous infinite-room estate on the Higher
} Planes, but he'll have none of it.  "Bah," he'll grumble, "I know his
} type, you'll end up in a box on the street, mark my words!"
}
} At that point my father will spring to my defense.  "The only reason my
} son would even consider marrying your tramp of a daughter is because she
} got him all worked up and then wouldn't give him one until after the
} wedding!"
}
} Well, there's no way your mother would stand for that, so she'll reach
} into her handbag and pull out that magnum, and promptly shoot my dad
} right between the eyes.
}
} My mother, in retaliation, will cover the entire earth in a rain of
} frogs, and then will convert all the major landmasses to jello pudding.
} She is not a woman to be trifled with.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} So, though it breaks both our hearts we must stay apart.  Like Romeo and
} Juliet, Vincent and Catherine, and Ronald Reagan and intelligence, we
} are doomed to strive ever towards each other but never quite connect.
}
} Of course, this doesn't mean we can't slip into a cheap motel room every
} now and then for a bit of fun.
}
} You owe the Oracle a honeymoon.


373-07    (1a484 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wise, humble, yet just Oracle,
>
>         What should you do if someone really annoying always follows
>         you around?
>
>                                                  Thoroughly Pissed!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a context-sensitive query...  Well, just to get oriented, go to
} your local video store and rent "Goldfinger"; it contains several useful
} tips.  If you don't have an Aston-Martin, you could consider a knee to
} the groin, or one week on an all-garlic diet.  Depending on the gun laws
} in your state, solutions to your problems may be available at your local
} sporting goods stores in a variet of gauges and calibers.  How about
} getting a dog?  Rottweilers are good for this application, and have the
} added advantage that this fact is not universally appreciated yet.  Or
} try Dow Oven Cleaner (a little hard on the ozone layer, but does the
} trick.) Or contact your local Eagles Club or Sons of Italy chapter for a
} list of contractors who specialize in this sort of chore.  Or see your
} friendly local organic chemist for a squeeze bottle full of methyl
} mercaptan.  Or trot down to the mall and get a laser diode lecture
} pointer from The Sharper Image; point out the retinas of the offender
} (probably a good idea to back this up with a squirt or two of Mace or
} CapStun).  Hire a poet to compose a Phillipic on the subject, then have
} it delivered to the tag-along by an Arnold Schwartzenegger wannabe.
} Start carrying an ax.  Join the Hell's Angels.  Anonymously submit the
} annoying one's name to the Federal agency of your choice.  Get the
} person nominated as a Supreme Court Justice.  Set him/her up with a
} dream date with Magic Johnson.  Arrange that the offender's next
} business trip be to Yugoslavia, Peru, or East Timor.  Serve him/her Bon
} Vivant Vichysoise.  Send messages in his/her name to alt.drugs and
} alt.sex.bestiality.  Give his/her name to the Mormons, the Jehovah's
} Witnesses, and the Church Universal and Triumphant.  Serve him/her
} poison ivy salad.  Start training for the Iron Man Triathalon (you'll be
} harder to follow.) Forward him/her this email, as a subtle hint.  Then
} see your attorney about getting a Peace Warrant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a favor.


373-08    (86922 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh good Oracle (sorry, I would grovel more, but my head hurts),
> please answer this:
>       do you subscribe to the theory of cosmic entropy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but I hear that it's okay for a bimonthly.  The toll free number is
} 1 (800) ENT-ROPY.


373-09    (38853 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wher-r-r-r-e oh Wher-r-r-r-e are you tonight?
> Why did you leeeeeaave me here all alone?
> I _searched_ the world over
> and I though I found true love
> Yeeewww met another and Pttthhhht! you was gone?
>
> Pls. advise.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (interior tumbledown shanty somewhere in West Virginia)
}
} Father is sitting in front of TV watching "Hee Haw."
}
} "Emmy Lou?" he calls.  "Emmy LOOOOOOOOOO!"
}
} "Here, Paw." A voice from the kitchen.
}
} "Have you seen your mother?"
}
} "No, Paw." A few thuds and a crash punctuate the child's words.
}
} "Have you seen Bobby Joe?"
}
} "No, Paw."
}
} "Have you seen Billy Joe Jim Bob Jack?"
}
} "No, Paw."
}
} Father scratches at his genitals for a few moments, then replies,
} releasing all his soul-torn torment pent within for years.
}
} "Shewt."
}
} Gets up and looks in the bassinet.
}
} "Emmy LOOOOOOOO!"
}
} "Yeah, Paw?"
}
} "Wherz Teddy Jo?"
}
} "Dunno, Paw."
}
} The bassinet is empty, except for a Fisher-Price Easy Rider Rifle Rack.
}
} Father again scratches at his genitalia, and belches.  The two windows
} still in one piece shatter simultaneously.  Again, his rent psyche can
} take this no longer.  He sings out with all the torment his mind can
} express:
}
} "Gawddang it!  If yer Maw took the truck, I'm gonna tar'n'feather that
} woman!"
}
} (end)
}
} If you were given the choice, wouldn't YOU split?  Geez.
}
} You owe the Oracle the charred ashes of every "Hee-Haw" tape in
} existence.


373-10    (36a44 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and all powerful. The one who even the ancient greek
> gods came to for an answer. The one who has a lady friend of the utmost
> beauty. Tell me this, what is a day in the life of Lisa like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, jeez.  Look this Lisa thing has gotten blown ALL out of proportion.
} Not only is she *NOT* the Oracle's main squeeze, but the Oracle Herself
} is a woman of the most statuesque proportions and deep inner beauty.
}
} A long time ago on a net far away, I was met in the street in downtown
} Athens -- and what a place it was even then -- by a beautiful young
} woman with eyes of green, a perplexed countenance, and a reputation.
} She was distraught over the hordes of pursuing men that ran after her
} day in and day out and never let her get a moment's peace.  After
} recognizing Me for my Magnificent Self, she pled my assistance, and I
} gave it her.  After sufficient data patterning, she was reduced to my
} right hand woman and fellow partier who eats young boys for breakfast.
} It works out fairly well, actually, since her tastes run quite counter
} to mine and we can trade off.
}
} *ANY*way, by doing so I provided her with a means to exercise her
} sexual being and still get the hell away from all you ravenous,
} frustrated, sexually bungling dolts who never let her sit and rest her
} weary but oh-so-welrounded derriere when she feels the need.  And boy,
} do you get on her beautifully shaped nerves, buster.  Just the other
} day she was telling me about you over a cup of General Foods
} International Coffee -- forgot the clitoris again, eh?  Listen, pal,
} she's my friend and if you do that again I'll turn you into a toilet
} seat at a Weight Watcher's convention. Got that?
}
} *AHEM*
}
} To the question.  She gets up around -- oh, nine-ish or so -- and has a
} cup of coffee.  She checks her queue to see if any REAL men have
} petitioned her the day before, but you know the Typical Usenet Geek --
} hell, you ARE the Typical Usenet Geek -- and she is rarely satisfied
} with the selection of postulants.  We then have a chat over some toast
} and tea, eat lunch, devour a few young nubile boys, attend the
} gladiatorial games up here, and maybe even spy on Zeus in the shower,
} you know? Don't tell him I said that.  All in all, your typical morning
} and early afternoon here in Net Elysium.  Then we have a leisurely few
} games of Chase-the-Virile-Hunk-of-Flesh-Around-The-Rose-Gardens, and
} some dinner, served of course by the most well-formed Mediterranean
} slaves you have ever seen.  At night we chomp down a couple more boys,
} then its bedtime.
}
} All in all, your average day.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ten-page paper "Why I Won't Forget Lisa's Clitoris
} Next Time."  Typed and double-spaced in triplicate, and if you make one
} mistake, you do it over again.


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