} ORACLE CENTRAL: This sounds like a job for the Very-reliable
} Prognosticator. Get the VP on the line, immediately...
} [Suddenly, at OT&T (Oracular Telephone and Telegraph) the
} oracular message swithing network (version 2139198232.0.0
} installed yesterday) goes off line... traffic signals fail,
} deities collide in mid air, inter-dimensional travel is shut
} down, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!CHAOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
} [One minor result of this chaos is the misdirection of the the
} above oracular request...]
} AIDE OF THE VP: Hey, somebody get his little majesty over here. Some
} idiot asked him another question.
} [In walks the VP wearing an expensive blue suit, white shirt,
} red tie, and Hop-Along Cassidy secret decoder ring. A small
} carrot protrudes from each of his ears.]
} VP: Hi guys! I'm ready for Dan Rather now! Just let him ask me a
} toughie, I'll just duck the question by pretending I can't hear
} him through the carrots. Brilliant, eh?
} AIDE: (in a monotone voice) Yes sir.
} VP: Now Jim, how do we address the vice president of the United
} AIDE: Yes sir, your supreme majesty, whose carrots I am not worthy to
} VP: That's better. Now what's up?
} AIDE: Some mere citizen requests that you to answer a question.
} VP: ... requests that WHO answer the question?
} AIDE: Some mere citizen requests that YOUR MAGNIFICENCE deign to answer
} his lowly question.
} VP: That's better. Proper grovelling is a must in Washington. Give
} yourself a 25 cent per week raise.
} AIDE: Thank you... your gross gratuitousness.
} VP: Very good. Now let me see the question.... Orange tic-tacs?...
} WHAT! NO GROVELLING! I mean the "O great Oracle," is a good
} start. After all, I did predict the end of that recession thing.
} But nothing more. I don't think I'll answer this question
} although I AM perfectly capable.
} AIDE: But sir... great, big, throbbing sir, you MUST answer it. It
} could be another test from you know who, checking to see if you
} are on the ball enough for another four years.
} VP: Oh. Well, OK. Take a memo.
} AIDE: Yes, your flatulence.
} VP: To whom it may concern: I am ready willing and able to live up
} to the duties of the vice presidency. I have completely overcome
} that carrot problem, and am ready to tackle the tough questions
} facing this country. For example, why do ORANGE tic-tacs have
} more calories than other tic-tacs, say red, white, and blue ones?
} That's simple. Because the only people who eat ORANGE tic-tacs
} are communists! Just look at that sickle think on the Russian
} flag -- ORANGE! And we all know what happens to communists: they
} have to wait in long lines for vegetables, their walls fall down,
} and they can't build a coup, chicken or otherwise, worth a damn.
} Sign it, "THE Vice President of the Unites States, now and
} forever, J. Danforth Quayle!" Send that out TODAY!
} AIDE: Yes, may your neurons someday fire, SIR!