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3 Sep 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 2:05:47 GMT

Internet Oracularities #374

Goto:
374, 374-01, 374-02, 374-03, 374-04, 374-05, 374-06, 374-07, 374-08, 374-09, 374-10


Usenet Oracularities #374    (25 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 91 09:19:04 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

374   25 votes 78550 1b535 0168a 16981 37942 1a950 028b4 34a80 04d71 13b46
374   3.1 mean  2.3   3.0   4.1   3.1   2.8   2.7   3.7   2.9   3.2   3.4


374-01    (78550 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear oracle,
>
> Have you any plans for saturday night?  If not,  how about a date?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As a matter of fact I do .... and I prefer figs!


374-02    (1b535 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose resplendant splendor lends itself to imitation, please
> offer any iota of guidance you can spare on a problem I, your humble
> devotee, have:
>
> How many Amway representatives were going to St. Ives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} None.  That's just what they told their spouses.  They were
} actually packing their Ray-Bans and their Meyers Rum recipes for
} an exciting, fun-filled weekend in St. Maartin!
}
} The only problem was, the island was already crawling with
} representatives from Mary Kay, Herbalife and Nu-Skin, and you
} couldn't book a damn hotel room.  So the Amwayites (a close
} relation to the Mennonites and the rustic Amish) devised the
} clever plan of trying to OUT-PYRAMID THE PHAROES by selling Amway
} to the other multi-level-marketing representatives and saving up
} enough collectively to buy the Dutch out of their half of the
} island.
}
} They had visions and they had dreams. First they thought they'd
} just buy the hotel, then they thought they'd buy a block with
} casinos and bars, and by the time they were finished spending the
} money they hadn't made yet, they were the lieges of their own,
} private fiefdom!  This would have worked well, but by the time
} the first night was over everyone had sold so aggressively to
} achieve their dreams that they were all Diamond and Platinum
} Executive Lifetime Partners, but there wasn't a lot of hard, cold
} cash going around, so the whole system collapsed.  Remember 1929?
} Remember Woodie Guthrie?  Remember what it was like to have a
} REAL job?
}
} I suppose there would have been a spicy subtext of adulterous
} fornication under the stars in the jasmine-drenched breezes of
} the islands, but have you ever gotten a close look at your
} typical Amway representative?  We're talking nothing short of
} liposuction required just to qualify for a long pair of walking
} shorts!  All in all it was an unsatisfactory weekend, but a few
} beehived women got pink Cadillacs, which is arguably a fair
} substitute for other forms of satisfaction.
}
} You owe the Oracle a $3,000 "starter kit" and Jim Bakker's
} outreach partners' address.


374-03    (0168a dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Dear Miss Oracle, who owns all the particles in the world,
>
>   Last week my cat returned home with a new tail.
>   Yesterday, when I woke up I noticed a bright blue square on my
>   left hand. This morning 5 small yellow dots appeared on my legs.
>   Now there are two cows flying around my head. What is going on?
>   And who are those little orange people running around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, you have got problems.  It seems you are at the center of
} localized Reality Breakdown.  Let's take this one step at a time.
}
} First of all, you seem to have Schroedinger's cat.  As your physicists
} will discover in about 50 years, the resolution of that old paradox is
} "the cat is alive, but it has a new tail."
}
} You should not have noticed this discrepancy in the cat, as it could
} throw the whole timetable of scientific discovery into confusion, which
} in turn would have dramatic effects on the entire future history of the
} Universe. Small changes tend to cascade into big ones, and if left
} unchecked this would result in a box of animal crackers being elected
} president in 1996.
}
} So the Reality Adjusters (also called Quantum Mechanics) were sent to
} fix things.  These are the little orange people you see.  While you
} slept the night before last they attempted to remove your knowledge of
} the cat's change and disable your ability to see quantum reality.  They
} thought they had succeeded, and stamped you with the Department of
} Reality Corrections seal of quality workmanship (the blue square on
} your hand).
}
} However, as with most civil servants they did a substandard job, and
} the knowledge and perception which could alter all of Creation remained
} in your head.  So the Mechanics were sent to have another go at it.  If
} you look at the yellow dots on your legs a little more closely, you
} will realize they have little groves in them.  In fact, they are
} screws.  The mechanics were in the processes of opening the access
} panels to your quantum perception center (which is in the legs, not the
} brain, for reasons too complicated to go into now).  However, you woke
} up too early this morning and they had to leave without either
} correcting the problem or covering the screws back up.
}
} So now not only have you glimpsed the true workings of the Universe,
} you have seen the incompetence of those who run it.  This has
} compounded the problem a billion fold, causing further breakdown in the
} structure of logic in your immediate vicinity.  Hence the cows.
}
} I'm afraid this is only going to get worse.  Next it will be elks
} jumping out of your breakfast cereal, your head drifting off on
} business of its own, and eventually reality will be so mucked up that
} cold fusion will work, ms-dos will become useful, and Jimmy Swaggart
} will become truly virtuous.
}
} The only way you can stop this is to dull your extra-normal perceptions
} back to the dim level that most humans live at.  The Oracle would
} suggest several hours of "Brady Bunch" reruns and top-forty radio,
} which is guaranteed to knock out all those parts of your brain that
} have inconveniently started working.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large quark.


374-04    (16981 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why Bud Dry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, that's a very intriguing question. The Budweiser Corp.
} test-marketed Bud Wet in several locations, but sales were poor.
} It was followed by Bud Damp, Bud Slightly Damp, Bud A Little Bit
} Soggy, Bud Moist, and finally the Bud Dry we all know and love.
} I still prefer Miller Genuine Draft, myself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a six-pack of Miller Genuine Draft. No, come to
} think of it, I'll have a Heineken.


374-05    (37942 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who's merest operational parameters I am not worthy to
> contemplate, who's net worth is beyond the comprehension of even Bill
> Gates, please help me.
>
> I've been having a great deal of trouble with my life as of late.
> Whenever I start to do some useful work or anything interes
>
> Segmentation Fault (core dumped)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a question which has been troubling man since the invention of
} the Rubik's Cube.  However, I shall take the time to answer your
} question.  The reason you are having trouble with your life as of late
} is simply because of your short mortal attention span.  Now take me for
} instance.  I am never distracted by anything so foolish as <Oh, hi
} Lisa! Come here, baby>
}
} Message Aborted


374-06    (1a950 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is this whole thing about?  Help me out please!  I'm a beginner!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the first time around it can be a little painful.  It is
} important to have someone who is understanding and caring involved
} in the whole process.  I recommend a good friend of the opposite
} sex, excluding relatives who are first cousins or closer, of course.
} Also, an egg-beater can enhance things quite significantly.
}
} You owe the Oracle the 1992 Guide to Kama Sutra.


374-07    (028b4 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr (or Ms.) Oracle,
>
>         I was wondering if Santa was going to send me all those
> presents I had requested because I have been such a good boy this year?
>
>                                                  Greedily Dreaming

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. Dreaming,
}
} Hmmm... Let me check..
}
} telnet santa.workshop.north.pole
} Trying...
} Connected to santa.workshop.north.pole
} Escape character is ^]
}
} login:Oracle
} Password:
}
} Welcome to Toystore...
}
} $cd /santa/data/boys (Of course the Oracle has access)
} $goodbad
}
} Who's been good and who's been bad.
} Enter name or alias: Greedily Dreaming
} Searching...
} Found.
}
} Name: xxxxxxxx  xxxxxx
} Alias: Greedily Dreaming
} Good Rating:  154
} Bad Rating:  167
} Balance: -13
} Special Characteristics:  Incurable liar  -5
}                           Spends too much time in front of computer  -3
}                           Doesn't grovel before Oracle  -40
} Adjusted balance: -61
} Number of toys this year: none
}
} Enter name or alias: none
} Goodbye
} $exit
} $logout
}
} Connection terminated by foreign host...
}
} Well, I guess that's pretty self explanatory.  Better luck next year.
}
} You owe the Oracle a partridge in a pear tree.


374-08    (34a80 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How did you do that with the mail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very much as I did with the femail; A little wine, some soft music,
} satin sheets.  All that was required was a slight change of perspective
} and orientation.


374-09    (04d71 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, when I asked you how to get the girl of my dreams,
> you suggested a powerful aphrodisiac.  Uh, where do I get one of those?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First off, don't go running off to Africa to get powered rhino horn.
} That's just a myth, and besides, it's pretty anti-social and not to
} mention pretty rude.
}
} One powerful aphrodisiac is to become famous.
}
} Witness:
}
} 1) Ted Kennedy
}
} All he had to do was:
}
} A) Become a US Senator.
} B) Walk around without his pants.
} C) Watch women flock to him.
}
} 2) Madonna
}
} All she had to do was:
}
} A) Become a movie star.
} B) Walk around without his pants.
} C) Watch men flock to her.
}
} 3) Dan Quayle
}
} All he had to do was:
}
} A) Become a vice president.
} B) Walk around without his pants.
} C) Watch everyone make fun of him.
}
} *Hmmm...that last one didn't quite make it....well, there are
} exceptions to every rule...
}
} Well, anyway you get the idea.  First, become famous, walk around
} without your pants, and get the babes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a flash in the pan.


374-10    (13b46 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please Oh Calculating One
>
> How do I get her attention??
>
> I want her SO bad........

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, what I recommend is slamming a chocolate cream pie into
} her face as hard as you can when she walks by. This is fairly
} certain to get her attention. If you still don't have her
} attention, drop your pants and scream in her ear "LOOK WHAT I
} GOT, BABY!" If you STILL don't have her attention, start pounding
} on her toes repeatedly with a sledgehammer, watching her face
} intently so you can see when you have her attention. If all this
} fails, then she is unfortunately dead, and all efforts to gain
} her attention are likely to meet with failure.
}
} Now that you have her attention, what are you going to do with it?
}
} You owe the Oracle a slice of chocolate cream pie.


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