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Internet Oracularities #375

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Usenet Oracularities #375    (25 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 91 14:01:46 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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375   25 votes b7412 2a751 28951 16972 145b4 039b2 05b45 07a26 2b750 47824
375   3.0 mean  2.0   2.7   2.8   3.1   3.5   3.5   3.4   3.3   2.6   2.8


375-01    (b7412 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you,o wisest of Oracles,do on your day off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I go to Sarasota Florida. Grow my beard long and hair too. I
} wonder around there for a while then loiter around the adult book store
} trying to find a couple of friends, then I go over to the adult theater
} and go in. I sit down, enjoy the movie. Then I unzip my pants and pull
} out my big johnny and ...
}
} [Sen. Helms AutoCensor Program Activated]
}
} This is Senator Jesse Helms, and with my good buddy, Meese, we have
} temporarily halted output of the Usenet Oracle to give you a lecture on
} the evils of masturbation. No, hear is C. Everret Coop.
}
} Now, you listen here, Boy! Masturbation is evil! It makes you grow hair
} on your palms, loose your sight and eventually, it will fall off! I
} know how good it feels to hold your little johnny in between your two
} palms and start to....
}
} [Sen. Helms AutoCensor Program Activated. Level 2]
}
} Ignore him. He's a god-damned Liberal anyways.
} Back to usenet
}
} END-OF-LINE
} END-OF-LINE
}
} Then I sit in the police cruiser and ask them if they know who I am and
} they say no. Then I tell them who I am and they start to laugh and
} tease me. I then call Pee Wee Herman, head of the "Masturbates in
} Public Anonymous" group. He then gets me out and we negotiate prison
} time for community service in exchange for dropping the charges.
}
} You owe the Oracle some good Pee Wee Herman jokes.


375-02    (2a751 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose opulence eclipses the sun, no, Rigel, the
> Galaxy...
>
> Below is an excerpt from the "Oracle Senate Confirmation Hearing"
> posted to alt.humor.oracle this week:
>
> >Senator Hatch:  This document reveals that an informant has told the
> >FBI that Lisa is none other than Lisa Simpson.
> >
> >Oracle:  (snicker)  Who was this informant?
> >
> >Senator Hatch:  Her brother Bart.  The document goes on to detail
> >numerous bizarre and perverse activities you have shared with this
> >Lisa, which I will be more than happy to read in a moment.  You
> >realize of course that this Lisa Simpson is a minor?
> >
> >Oracle:  I refuse to answer on the grounds that you did not grovel at
> >all.
>
> Since I _did_ grovel, could you please tell me: Is Lisa, the
> net.sex.goddess, of whose relationship with you we've heard so much,
> really Lisa Simpson?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have long pondered your question, you insignificant sniveling fool.
} My answer is this:
} The quality of "sex goddess" is indeed in the eye of the beholder.  To
} a cretin such as you it is indeed unlikely that a girl such as Lisa
} Simpson would be so, you prefer the more... shall I go so far as to
} say... substantial women. I, being an insubstantial entity myself, do
} not mind at all that Lisa is merely a cartoon character.  Go soak your
} head.  Yow!
}
} You owe the Oracle a good back rub.


375-03    (28951 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You got up too late, so you can't see why I can leap through the
> boundries of formulae.  I like it when you do.  Film covered eyes
> hinder the brain, allowing the fat-ass lazy sonofabitch to smother
> understanding.  Take out your hang-ups and flush them.  Whoosohh!!!
> Glubbbubbbubbbb.
>
> Nowheneedsayoultimatelyodelongerelativevenowhenoneasesupportownerslack
> ing
>
> what say you?  Goo, goo!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, silly man.  You thought that you could confuse the Oracle with some
} nonsense gibberish.  Well, since I am the Oracle, I can see right
} through your encryption scheme.  The unfortunate thing is that there
} are three possible decryptions.  The first of which threatens National
} Security, the second of which is the lucky lotto numbers for Virginia,
} Penn., and DC over the next 12 weeks.  Since it's highly improbable
} that you know either of these things, I'm going to have to assume that
} you're refering to the third.  For those of you who are not aware of
} the third (and most obvious translation), I shall present the
} transcript here:
}
} ------------ CUTTING HERE MAY BE A VIOLATION OF STATE LAW
}
}   Many years ago, on a small non-descript island, there were a bunch
} of people who decided to change the face of the English language by
} introducing slang.  They made a list of sentences that were far too
} long and shortend them by replacing one or more words in them.  Some of
} them awere easy to predict.
}
} Resignation of your primary diurnal employment is not recommended.
}
} -> Don't quit your day job.
}
} The living quarters of a human male is typically well defended, and
} used as a base of operations.
}
} -> A man's home is his castle.
}
} Some were not as predictable:
}
} I've got a cookie and you don't.
}
} -> Party on, dude.
}
} I'm running with the devil, and I'm going to make you all pay for your
} silliness with your very souls.
}
} -> Read my lips.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tax shelter.


375-04    (16972 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where does that fuzz from underneath my bed come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The magnificent, munificent, mellifluous, megalithic, megalomanic,
} mightwell-hung, mmmmmmmmmmmmm !@##?/!  damn key always gets stuck
} Oracle deigns to answer your rudely direct question.
}
} The short answer of course is:  Officer Seamus O'Leary originally hails
} from County Cork, Ireland.
}
} The long answer is, strangely enough, longer...
}
} Activating the WayBack (TM) machine.....
}
} The sun slowly grinds to a halt as the Earth's rotation begins to
} reverse (are you sure you want to go on with this - the climactic
} implications alone are staggering, not to mention my fee - oh well,
} have it your way).
}
} As time begins to flow backwards, which is of course entirely
} consistent with our concept of the Universe as proven by the TV Guide
} and the fact that the five minutes from 4-55 pm to 5 pm always take at
} least two days to pass, we see assorted anonymous pieces of sub-bed
} fuzz begin to come together.  At first, no obvious shape is visible,
} but as time passes, or doesn't as the case may be, the fuzz gradually
} assumes a familiar shape.....the shape of a small boy.....the child's
} body solidifies but there are pieces missing....
}
} Suddenly, from a corner far off beneath the bed, there is a flash of
} light on fang as the giant crocodile lurches forward, regurgitates a
} limb which refastens onto the tiny corpse, and retreats swiftly back to
} the corner.
}
} Readjusting the polarity of the WayBack (TM) machine to positive time,
} the situation becomes clear.  The small boy was simply one of so many
} unfortunates who forgot about the crocodiles who live under the bed,
} and those pieces which were not summarily consumed were destined to
} degrade into those anonymous pieces of fluff which are always to be
} found beneath beds. For as everyone knows, the only way for a small
} child to safely get into bed is to leap in from a great distance so as
} to avoid the snapping jaws.  Once in, the only protection (as even you
} would know) against monsters is, of course, to be completely submerged
} below the covers and to slowly suffocate until the monsters depart.
}
} You owe the Oracle one ton of belly-button lint.


375-05    (145b4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me                                                 11/15/91
> 6:01 PM O almighty Oracle,
>
> I have come far distances to ask you this question concerning the
> welfare of my nation.
>
> What do we need to do to end our economic recession?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Start a war.
}
} Canada or Mexico would be the countries most easily invaded, although
} Cuba would be easier to explain. The problem with starting in Cuba,
} though, is you wind up spending a lot of time pissing around in all
} those islands full of very poor people with no armies -- not a good
} idea when it's a recession you're trying to hide.
}
} Since the end of a war is economically catastrophic, the war cannot
} end. From Canada, you can hop over to Kamchatka and on through Siberia
} (not much fighting but a great deal of logistics) or down into Korea
} and China (a lot of fighting and a lot of logistics). Mexico is the
} first step in the long road down Central and South America to
} Argentina, nothing really to slow you down but bad roads and a problem
} with AWOLs in the cocoa fields. Providentially, right next to Argentina
} are the Falklands, which allows the war to spread in a natural way to
} Europe, which by then will be so far ahead of the US economically it
} will seem only fair to try to drag it down to your level.
}
} Of course, the big question on everyone's mind in this mythical US
} wartime economy is, "When do we get to go kick some Japanese butt?"
} This step should be put off for as long as possible, both because of
} the sweetness of the anticipation and because once that front's opened
} you'll be stuck with nothing but domestic cars.
}
} Of course, Americans don't start wars for economic reasons, they only
} enter them for economic reasons. So unless Canada invades, you'll just
} have to muddle along until people realize that business cycles don't
} cause recessions, economists analyzing business cycles cause
} recessions, and that to end a recession, you have only to end
} economists.
}
} You owe the Oracle a twenty-week extension of unemployment benefits,
} or a capital gains tax cut, whichever is politically more expedient.


375-06    (039b2 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, I am but a humble traveller, and I request a simple boon.
>
> In my youth, many years ago, snow would fall, it was light fluffy snow
> which painted the world with frost and tingled when it touched your
> skin. In those carefree days Mary and I would go down to the pond to
> ice-sakte. At dusk, when everyone was tired of skating,  we would all
> gather around a bonfire, drinking hot apple cider and singing the old
> songs. Walking Mary home we would hold hands, and talk about life,.and
> what the future would be like when I took over the store, from mom and
> dad. At her doorstep, I would gently kiss Mary goodnight and watch her
> as she went inside. I would breathe the crisp winter air, feel the snow
> beneath my feet and think, life is good.
>
> One night I got frost-bite and had to have three of my toes removed.
> Mary shaved her head and moved to Minneapolis where she's a drummer in
> a rock band. The pond was drained after someone was pushed onto the
> bonfire. The store burnt down and Mom and Dad went bankrupt. I
> developed an allergy to hot apple-cider, and I just heard one of the
> old-songs on MUZAK.
>
> Please, tell me, Oracle, why doesn't it ever snow like that anymore?
>
>                                       Frank Capra
>                                       (from beyond the grave)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My memory for the future is much better than my memory for the past
} (a genetic quirk that is useful when one is an Oracle), but I'll give
} it a shot...
}
} In the early part of the twentieth century, when discoveries were
} rapidly being discovered and inventions were being invented, someone
} discovered how to control the transmission and reception of
} electromagnetic waves.  This was soon followed by the invention
} of radio and shortly afterward, television.
}
} It is not known whether it was the waves themselves, or the
} resultant preoccupation known as "vegging out" that caused the
} world to change, but change it did.
}
} The invention of television coincides with the disappearance of
} your toes, Mary's hair, the pond, store, etc.  Some vestiges of
} reality survived briefly [see "Leave it to Beaver," "Father Knows
} Best," et al], but when the last creative idea was extinguished
} by a loud "Yabba Dabba Doo", the transformation was nearly complete
} [See "Married With Children", "The Simpsons," et al].  By the end
} of the twentieth century, the only remnants of the real world were
} the occasional reruns of "The Wizard of Oz," and, of course, your
} "It's a Wonderful Life."
}
} Anyway, the answer to your question is:
}
} It still snows like that.  It's just that nobody notices anymore.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cassette of the Budweiser Christmas commercial
} and a bag of Cheetos.


375-07    (05b45 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> At the beach, does the water crash into the stationery beach... OR...
> does the beach crash into a stationary body of water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you forgot to grovel, but that's okay.  I built a fail-safe
} into the system that allows you to ask a question without
} groveling, but turns you into a goat the moment you begin to read
} your reply.  Bet you can just feel those old forelocks a-groanin,
} can't ya?
}
} The truth is that whether the water hits the beach or the beach
} hits the water depends upon how many daiquiris you've had.  One
} daq and the water's still lapping the old shoreline, no problem.
} Two daq's, or a nice frosty Margarita, and the water and the
} shore are sort of in your basic face-off position (kinda like
} Annette and Frankie in the moonlight negotiating over which base
} he gets to reach).  Three daq's, or two daq's and one Margarita,
} or a daq, a Margarita, and a Mai-Tai, and then that old beach
} starts to fight back.  Oh, it's slow--could take eons, just like
} evolution--but the beach starts to get its licks in.  By the time
} you've graduated to your serious Tequila, the beach is getting
} mighty riled, and it's not going to take this pounding a minute
} more, no-sir-ee-Bob.  One shot with salt and lime, and the beach
} jabs to the left.  Two shots and he feignts right, but it's a
} fake, because he comes straight for the gut with his left again.
} It's a connect, but word has it that the beach has a glass jaw.
} The shore tries to jab, but no, no folks, hang on.  It seems the
} beach is coming around the back for an illegal RABBIT punch, and
} here comes the Hart Association, Jake the Snake and Hulk Hogan
} for a four-way, tag team extravaganza!  The crowd is going wild!
} They're puking all over the beach!  There's pink Mai-Tai stuff
} everywhere, and the sound of wild bikini stuffing is almost
} deafening.  We have a new champ, folks, with an illegal rabbit
} punch, a piledriver, and a good old fashioned head butt, the
} winner is THE BEACH!
}
} You owe the Oracle a bromo-seltzer and Sandra Dee's bra cup size.


375-08    (07a26 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most great and wise, you who have all the wisdoms of the
> ages, you who have the Grail in your meaty little hands, answer me
> this.... Do you know any extremely subtle pickup lines? And "Hey babe,
> wanna get naked in Jell-O" doesn't count as subtle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, mortal, you have asked a question that has perplexed the
} multitudes on your paltry planet for millenia, if not eons.  The
} question of what constitutes a "subtle" pickup line is subtle to say
} the least; as recent events have shown, if the pickupee's concept of
} subtle does not correspond with the pickuper's, the result could be the
} phenomenon known as "sexual harrassment."  Descriptions of pubic hair
} floating in one's soft drink, and bragging of one's endowment are
} obvious examples of this.
}
} However, given the judgment passed by the Senate Judiciary Committee,
} the Oracle will interpret for you "subtle" pick-up lines as defined by
} your primitive society:
}
} BLATANT: "Hey baby, wanna get naked?"
} SUBTLE:  "I think the weather is wonderful."
}
} This famous pickup line was first used in the cultural NC-17 film,
} "NBC Evening News Vixens in Heat." The implications of the word
} "weather" can mean many things, for example, hot and sunny, or wet and
} wild. In any case, as in the aforementioned film, the term weather is
} enough to get any member of the opposite gender to fall at your feet,
} especially if you are a weatherperson.
} ---
}
} BLATANT: "Yo, how 'bout you and I go do some of the
}         slam, bam, thank you ma'am action?"
} SUBTLE:  "Care to grab some lunch?"
}
} As all mortals know, "quickies", as they are colloquially known, tend
} to be taken during the lunch hour on working days. The use of the term
} "grab" is perhaps the least subtle point here, implying that groping,
} fondling, etc of various body parts is the actual nature of the
} request.
} ---
}
} BLATANT: "Let's do the wild thing."
} SUBTLE:  "Hi."
}
} The mere use of the familiar "Hi" to one of the opposite gender is
} sufficient to imply that a date, sex, etc is desired. As defined by the
} National Organization for Women, the proper use of a non-sexist,
} politically correct greeting is "I bring you greetings, respected
} colleague." In fact, anytime somebody says "Hi" to you is sufficient
} grounds to bring a sexual harrassment suit against them, and
} automatically gives you the right to brand the "greeter" as a sexist
} pig.  NOW is a wonderful organization, is it not?
}
} Of course, given the limited mental capacity of you puny mortals, the
} Oracle cannot state any of the more subtle lines. (If the Oracle could
} rebuild the universe, He would restructure society on your planet
} entirely.)
}
} You owe the Oracle two evenings alone with Lisa.


375-09    (2b750 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, your great one, I most humbly beg of you to help me with a
> question. I am so in awe of your tremendous intelligence and logic that
> without you I would cease to exist.  Please tell me, why is it that
> whenever you just feel like putting a lamp shade over your head, people
> assume you're drunk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Puny, insignificant mortal, the news you bring disturbs me.  I had
} thought no mortals had seen me at Odin's last bash.  Try to remember
} now, which people assumed I was drunk?  If an Oracle can't put a
} lampshade over His mighty head among gods, then where can He do it, I
} ask you.  I want names, descriptions, and geographical coordinates of
} those mere mortals who dared to make assumptions about the almighty
} Usenet Oracle.  I will not be made an ass of.
} Incidentally, should anyone ask, I put the lampshade over my head
} because I was insane with lust for Lisa, and not because I had been
} affected by mere mortals' alcoholic beverages.
}
} You owe the Oracle an aspirin for His hangover.


375-10    (47824 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most dear and wise Oracle,
> Why is white arsewipe the most popular?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmpf!  A perfunctory grovel, and then a question on *toilet paper*,
} of all things?  What I wouldn't give for a nicely sacrificed lamb
} every so often!  Don't you realize I've got better ways to spend my
} time than answering even the most *important* questions you could
} think of, like how to turn the odors rising from your feet into a
} lucrative career!  And you want to know about why *white toilet paper*
} is *so* popular!
}
} Well, the truth of the matter is that it's a little-known government
} regulation.  Toilet paper companies are *forced* to produce more white
} toilet paper than all the other colors combined.  The CIA use white
} toilet paper for secret communicaitons.  They write messages on the
} rolls with a special invisible teflon ink.  Fecal matter will not
} stick to this ink, so other agents can read the messages simply by
} smearing shit on the paper, and reading the words where the paper
} still shows through.  The ink only works properly on white toilet
} paper.
}
} Now this information is highly restricted, and by no means should be
} given to the media, or told to other countries.
}
} You owe the Oracle the phone number of the Weekly World News for
} answering your questions.  As for your improper grovel, you don't owe
} me anything; in fact, i'll give you something.  Now, it's a surprise,
} but I'll give you a hint; look up the number of the nearest wholesaler
} who sells Preparation H by the crate.


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