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Internet Oracularities #376

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Usenet Oracularities #376    (19 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 22 Nov 91 11:15:49 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   376
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

376   19 votes 24562 16255 00955 02746 47530 33436 37720 16a20 16741 37720
376   3.0 mean  3.1   3.4   3.8   3.7   2.4   3.3   2.4   2.7   2.9   2.4


376-01    (24562 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are Friday nights so boring when you're a loner, have no friends,
> have no life, don't know where the parties are, your girlfriend just
> dumped you, you're broke, have no alcoholic beverages, your dog just
> died, your parents got divorced the week before, you split your jeans
> in a fight, lost your wallet, and just got your housing bill which
> you won't be able to pay until next June?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... No groveling, but you sure did a good job of sounding pitiful,
} so I will answer your question:
}
} It's true that all these things contribute to your boredom, but
} the real reason is you don't have any Twinkies(tm)!  I get thousands
} of questions every day about 'em.  It's obvious that people everywhere
} are having a hell of a lot of fun with their Twinkies.  Here are
} some uses I've seen:
}
}     1) Eat 'em.  (Nah....)
}     2) Snort 'em.  (Yeah....)
}     3) Fill one with the gunpowder from 37 firecrackers, light the
}          fuse, then toss it in your brother's room.
}     4) Fill a pumpkin with Twinkie cream and drop it off the fourth
}          floor balcony of your apartment building.
}     5) Practice serving 'em with your sister's brand new tennis
}          racquet.
}     6) Chemistry class!!
}     7) Fill the woofer cones of your roommate's 1000-watt speakers with
}          Twinkie cream and play "Blow Up Your Video" by AC-DC.
}     8) Use an electromagnetic rail gun to accelerate one to a sizeable
}          fraction of the speed of light.  Witness relativity in action
}          as the mass-increased Twinkie impacts your neighbor's BMW.
}     9) How many Twinkies can your vacuum cleaner slurp up before it
}          blows up?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Zinger factory.


376-02    (16255 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where did Thanksgiving come from???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you grew up attending any sort of American school, or in the general
} periphery of a bossy American busybody who felt it incumbent upon
} himself to correct your ignorance of American History, you probably
} learned that Thanksgiving was first celebrated by the Pilgrims, who
} wished to give thanks to (ostensibly) God for their safe passage across
} the Atlantic and for the ensuing bountiful harvest in their new
} homeland, both of succulent vegetables and meats and of succulent
} Indian maids.
}
} This is an unspeakably large quantity of unmitigated drek.
}
} Thanksgiving was actually invented by a poor Irish potato farmer named
} Gillian O'Macy in 1593. It so happens that O'Macy bore a grudge against
} his neighbor, MacAlister Gimbel, and hit upon the idea that the best
} way of ruining Gimbel's pending potato harvest would be to gather all
} his friends together at an ungodly hour of the morning, get them
} roaring drunk, and go parading up and down Gimbel's potato fields.
} O'Macy's friends thought this was a wonderful idea, and invited their
} friends and families to come sit on the sidelines (Gimbel's rutabaga
} and carrot patches) and cheer them on.
}
} That crisp November morning was truly a sight to see. Many of O'Macy's
} musician friends togged themselves out in their most outlandish
} costumes and brought their instruments along, and played hearty
} potato-smashing tunes in small groups. As they progressed up and down
} the potato field, they made it a point to all play simultaneously, so
} that the resulting mishmash of musical messiness would add even more of
} a holiday touch to the festivites. Young girls in the musician families
} marched with their fathers and brothers, waving their brightly colored
} pantaloons in time to the music.
}
} It's a little known fact that an O'Macy and a Gimbel sailed on the
} Mayflower; however, in the November following that fateful landing on
} Plymouth Rock, Herbert O'Macy gathered all his friends together and
} went stomping in glorious cacophony up and down Aloysius Gimbel's
} potato patch, just like his grand-dad Gillian had done years before.
} Since then, O'Macy's descendents have made it a tradition to pulverize
} the Gimbel family lands on brisk November mornings, even after the land
} had been sold to various Japanese corporations.
}
} You owe the Oracle the pleasure of seeing you drop a 20 pound frozen
} Butterball turkey on your foot, for not groveling at the foot of the
} Oracular altar.


376-03    (00955 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I accidentally deleted a Most Important Project from the disk, and I
> don't have a backup.  My boss is expecting a (now deleted) project
> soon.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, clear your mind of the illusion that it was you who deleted the
} project. It was Dharma. He deleted the project as a test to see whether
} you are ready to undertake your destiny.
}
} When your boss next asks you when the project will be completed, tell
} him or her, "It is complete."
}
} BOSS: "Oh? When did you finish it?"
}
} YOU: "It is not yet finished."
}
} BOSS: "Well, when can you get it to me?"
}
} YOU: "You already have it."
}
} BOSS: "I do? Where is it?"
}
} YOU: "It is inside you."
}
} BOSS: "What?"
}
} YOU: "The report is a part of you, and of me. We are a part of the
}       Universal All. When we are finished, All shall be finished."
}
} BOSS: "The Universal All?"
}
} YOU: "The beginning is the end. Hesitate. Be lost. Consider the lotus."
}
} BOSS: "Lotus..."
}
} YOU: "Om."
}
} BOSS: "Om."
}
} If you get the conversation to this stage, Dharma will be very
} satisfied with you. As you can tell, it is your destiny to get
} your butt canned in the near future.
}
} You owe the Oracle a backup of your latest project.


376-04    (02746 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK Oracle, we Questioners are tired of asking all the questions,
> looking like fools, being flamed and electronically abused in Your
> responses, having to hear about your sexual excesses and pretend we
> like it and constantly asked to pay extortionate tribute to support
> Your useless and profligate lifestyle.
>
> This message is to advise you that a plurality of the Oracular
> Questioners have formed a union for the purposes of collective
> bargaining.  The Oracular Supplicants International/Internet Sendmail
> Organization (OSI/ISO) is demanding fair distribution of Oracular
> tributes, limits on the amount of flaming and abuse to be heaped upon
> individual Questioners and ending of discrimination against Questioners
> based on color, gender, sexual preference, spelling skills or being
> stuck with system administrators who force signatures like "JOE
> QUESTIONER, STUDENT" to be appended to all our outgoing mail.
>
> If you refuse to recognize our union or fail to bargain in good faith,
> we will have no choice but to withhold our services from the Oracular
> workplace, until a settlement is reached.  That's right pal -- no
> Questions, no Answers, no Tribute.  We sincerely hope that this kind of
> extreme job action will not be necessary.
>
>                            With Solidarity,
>                                   Bill Shipper
>                                   Executive Supplicant, OSI/ISO
>
> You owe the Questioners a contract and a union label in your .signature

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For Immediate Distribution:
} Press Release #12345
} USENET Oracle, Ltd.
} 11/18/91 4:45pm CDT
}
} The management and senior staff of USENET Oracle, Ltd regretfully
} announces that recent developments in the economy have forced UO, Ltd
} to lay off 1/3 of its Questioners.
}
} Recent pressures by OSI/ISO, a collective bargaining union representing
} USENET Questioners, added to the economic stress that has forced Oracle
} to make this drastic decision.
}
} "We regret that we won't be able to keep our Questioners", said J. D.
} Networthy, president and CEO of UO, Ltd.  "But with the generous
} severance benefits that we are providing, I'm sure that the hardship to
} the now-former Questioners will be minimal".  UO spokesman C. F.
} Upyures added that "recent charges of discrimination and sexual
} harrassment have nothing to do with this move.  These charges are
} coming from disgruntled Questioners, who are naturally upset at the
} news.  These allegations have no basis in fact.  This layoff is
} strictly economic in nature.  I'm sure, that after reviewing our
} severance package, you'll see that we really care for our Questioners."
}  Details of the severance package will be announced at a later time.
} Upyures noted that, after reviewing UO's financial status, that further
} layoffs may be necessary before UO can pull itself out of its slump.
}
} Stock prices for UO, Ltd, went up 3 3/4 points as Wall Street heard
} rumors of this layoff.  "I'm sure this is good for the long term health
} of USENET Oracle," said Mun E. Grubber, an analyst with the firm of
} Networthy and Upyures.
}
} End of Release #12345


376-05    (47530 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle, great Oracle, whos O should always be written in capitals and
>  whos Caps Lock key never sticks, please tell me.
>
>  Why does Father Christmas wear Red clothing?
>  And how does such a portly gentleman fit down such small chimneys?
>
>  I await the answer to this question with anticipation...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, I've been found out.
}
} I'm sure it started when you noticed I don't answer any questions
} between Christmas Eve and Dec 26.  And then, in the recent
} Oracularities, you noticed that I have privledges to run "goodbad."
}
} Okay, world, I'll admit it, I AM SANTA CLAUS!
}
} I wear red clothes because Lisa likes to -- I mean Lisa likes them.
} And dammit, the next time somebody says I'm fat, they get NOTHING!


376-06    (33436 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle!  Oracle whose feet I am not worthy to smell!  (Thank
> heavens!)  Oracle whose tush I am not worthy to wipe!  (Praise be!)
> Oracle whose nose I am not worthy to pick!  (Save the chunky pieces
> for me, though!)  I humbly beg of thee....
>
> ....Why won't Lisa sleep with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Strange, isn't it, the way some people can  make their grovelling sound
} like insults (or is it the other way round - insults that sound like
} grovelling?)... "Thank heavens" for not smelling my feet, indeed! Well,
} a question's a question, so I suppose I'll have to answer it...
}
} Oracle: Lisa!
}
} Lisa: Yeees, Orrie?
}
} O: Why don't you want to sleep with this guy?
} L: Who? Oh, *him*. Why should I?
} O: Well, you usually want to sleep with most guys...
} L: (giggles) Yeah, but not _all_ guys... (giggles)
}    Actually, there are lots of reasons - ten of them, I think.
} O: Could you write them down for him?
} L: Sure!
}
} *** Lisa's Top Ten Reasons For Not Sleeping With (name deleted) ***
}
} * Cuz I'm the Net.sex.goddess, and I don't have sex with mere mortals
}   like you. Unless there's a really good reason, of course (like no
}   nice immortals within a twenty feet distance).
}
} * Even if I sleep with a mere mortal like you, I'd just *never* do it
}   with a computer geek like you - computers are *such* a turnoff.
}   Unless there's a real good reason, of course, like there's only
}   computer geeks around within a 20 feet distance.
}
} * You're the kind of guy who tries to stare down the cleavage of women,
}   to check if they're wearing a bra. And I *don't* like to have my
}   lingerie drooled on (when I wear any).
}
} * If you take a look at yourself in a mirror, you'd undrestand that
}   noone would like to sleep with you if she wasn't blindfolded. But of
}   course, having sex blindfolded can be *soo* fun.
}
} * Before I'd even think about doing such a thing, you'd have to do
}   something about that breath of yours. Do you know what a toothbrush
}   is?
}
} * And, you'd need to do something about those pimples, too.
}
} * You're being nasty to poor Orrie - he's a bit silly about all that
}   grovelling, I know, but I think you could be a bit nicer than
}   that... Didn't you notice how sad you made him?
}
} O: Well, actually, sad isn't the right word. I'd rather say you have
}    awakened my Divine Wrath!
} L: Oh Orrie, you sure have a way with words! But I know some part of
}    you I'd rather awaken... (giggles)
} O: Not now, please - we've got work to do!
} L: OK, one more reason:
}
} * I know I'm into some pretty kinky stuff at times (all the time,
}   actually), but there are limits - I mean, do you think I'd like to
}   sleep with a geek who *eats* the "chunky pieces" out of someone's
}   nose? Yeccch! That's *gross*!
}
} So, that's it: Lisa's Top Ten Reasons For Not Sleeping With (name
} deleted)!
}
} O: Sorry to disappoint you, Liss, but that's only seven reasons...
} L: Oh, you know, Orrie, I've never been very good at math... But I know
}    something funnier to do right now...
} (strange noises)
} O: Ohh! Hey, that's great, but could you just give me a second to
} finish off the answer...
}
} So, there you are, now you know Lisa's reasons for not sleeping with
} you. Also, let me add that even if Lisa would consent to sleep with
} you, the only thing she'd do would be sleep - she's so easily bored...
}
} [The Oracle apologizes for the blatant sexual stereotypes and the lack
} of Political Correctness (tm) in this Oracularity, but after all Lisa
} *is* a tramp]
}
} You owe the Oracle a 33 MHz 80486SX system, running OS/2 2.0 *and*
} Unix. You owe Lisa a first grade math textbook.


376-07    (37720 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o oracle,you are so cool.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, yes, I know.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trained moose-and-squirrel show.


376-08    (16a20 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Didn't you notice that we are only 5 mortals asking questions to each
> others ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Incestuous, isn't it?
}
} Yes, the Usenet Oracle has fallen prey to the greatest usurper of humor
} in existence: cliquishness.  Note the Oracularity below, which received
} a rating of 4.97 on a 5-point scale:
}
} >The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} >>Lisa!  Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy!  Sex!  Lisa!  Unix!
} >
} >And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} >
} >>Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy!  Sex!  Unix!  Lisa!  Lisa!
}
} Clearly some "in jokes" are being used here.
}
} You owe the Oracle your chess-champ roommate, who is funnier than you.


376-09    (16741 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come Roach motels always seem to have a vacancy sign out front?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The popular belief about Roach motels, once they began to take over
} the suburban landscape in the late 1960's, was that Roaches would
} check in, but not check out.
}
} Originally, this was the case.  However, when the market became
} saturated about half-way into Reagan's first term competition forced
} the motels to use other lures than just plain vacancy to attract
} customers.
}
} Two Words:  Free Cable.
}
} So, nowadays it is more appropriate to say: 'Roaches check in, then
} invite all their friends in to watch late night skin flicks on Free
} Cable TV.'
}
} As to the still present vacancy signs, even the Oracle knows that you
} can't have too many Roaches at a party.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Gideon Bible.


376-10    (37720 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most masterfully magnificent, wonderfully witty, supremely
> sagacious, fantastically flirtatious, and potently pwerful Oracle,
> where, oh where does belly button lint come from, and what purpose does
> it serve?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Long ago, when I was just a wee Oracle, I used to watch my father
} operate that great machine, the Human-Piece-Glutamate, continuing in
} the Oracle tradition of providing superior people to populate the
} universe with. While the units were generally acceptable, many
} complained of a servere problem: Once they shut down, they couldn't be
} restarted.  Yes, the lazy creatures just fell asleep and wouldn't wake
} up.  So, the wise committee worked together to solve this problem, and
} much Coca-Cola was consumed. Finally, my own father did propose a start
} button, which would fit nicely onto people's belly.
}
} Oh, belly button LINT?  Why, what a stupid question!  I don't know why
} I even wasted my time on one of your questions.  Foolish mortal.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of tapes on short-term memory improvement.


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