[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:42:32 GMT

Internet Oracularities #377

Goto:
377, 377-01, 377-02, 377-03, 377-04, 377-05, 377-06, 377-07, 377-08, 377-09, 377-10


Usenet Oracularities #377    (22 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Sun, 24 Nov 91 15:57:37 -0500

*** Your guest editor for the next three weeks will be Joshua R Poulson,
*** who's graciously agreed to prepare the issues of the Usenet
*** Oracularities while I'm away at a conference in Australia.  (If anyone
*** knows of good restaurants or internet access in Perth, please let me
*** know)!  For part of this period the voting results will not appear --
*** we'll catch up on those in mid-December.
***
***                                 Steve Kinzler, kinzler@cs.indiana.edu

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   377
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

377   22 votes 35932 19372 37723 03784 70375 15772 137a1 25c30 03b62 56641
377   3.0 mean  2.8   3.0   2.8   3.6   3.1   3.2   3.3   2.7   3.3   2.5


377-01    (35932 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it, O Mighty Oracle, that a supplicant must grovel to obtain an
> answer from you? You who are just a figment of Kinzler's small mind,
> have no right to expect verbal tribute from someone who has been shot
> down, time and time again, for not groveling. Maybe I will pull your
> PLUG!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ordinarily, when someone speaks to me in such a manner, I simply
} cause him to be the victim of some unfortunate catastrophe such
} as having a thousand pigeons simultaneously defecate on him.  But,
} in this case I sense that you are simply a poor, misguided soul
} who simply needs to be told the truth to be able to see the light.
}
} First off, I am not a figment of anybody's mind, small or otherwise.
} I am the Oracle, the embodiment of knowledge and wisdom, who has
} chosen Kinzler to be the means whereby what I have to offer can
} be made available to insignificant organic creatures such as your-
} self.
}
} Second, one must grovel so that what I have to say will be most
} effective.  My knowledge is so weighty that it has a sort of
} gravitational potential, if you will.  If one humbles oneself
} while at the same time elevating me, the wisdom I impart will
} strike with the greatest force making it more likely that it will
} actually penetrate that cumbersome head and be understood.
}
} Of course, it may be that I simply like it.
}
} You owe the oracle a new gravity well.


377-02    (19372 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       |O|________________|O|
>       |  ________________  |
>       |O|                |O|
>       | | Why do I think | |
>       |O| I'm a cartoon  |O|
>       | |   strip?       | |
>       |O|________________|O|
>       |  ________________  |
>       |O|                |O|
>       | |                | |

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You think you're a cartoon strip?  HAH!  You're nothing!  When I was
} young, we had *real* strips!  Dick Tracy, L'il Abner, Henry, Gasoline
} Alley...THOSE were strips!  You young cartoons today, you have it so
} easy.  When *I* was your age, we didn't have mamby-pamby things like
} PostScript and BubbleJets.  And we didn't have limp-wristed programming
} habits like terminals, either.  No, we had only 1K memory banks and had
} to be programmed by HARDWARE people!  Using only toggle switches, no
} less.  We didn't have games, either.  We could only....
}
} *BREAK*
}
} The Oracle would like to apologize for the antics of his earlier
} version.  He was programmed in a beta version of B, and isn't fully
} compatible with some younger programs.


377-03    (37723 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It takes only one lick to get to the centre of my Tootsie.
}
} And don't EVER call me Pop again.


377-04    (03784 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TELL ME HOW TO DECODE

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry Biff, the DES decryption algorithm is a national secret, and the
} Oracle has sworn not to reveal it.  I can, however, tell you the
} contents of that file you managed to snag off the pentagon computer.
} The file name was TerriblyBigSecret, from the directory
} /homes/administration/current/quayle.
}
} Decoded, it reads:
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} Hey, THis is Neat!!!111  How doyou work this?  IAM THE VICE_PRSIDENT>
} AND I SAY QUIT NOQW!  Computerz are fun, but I wish i had a better
} terminal than this commadorre.
}
} stop
} break
} quit
} goodbye
} off
} :wg
} :wq
} control x control s
}
} what do you mean that means I should hold down the control key?  Oh,
} isee. ------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a 200-digit prime number.


377-05    (70375 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mr. Oracle! Mr. Oracle, sir?
> I found this posted on the net today:
>
> > Omniscience can be thought of as the opposite of intelligence.
> > Intelligence is, after all, the ability to derive new information
> > from old.  The omniscient already know everything, and therefore
> > cannot derive anything.  Hence, they are not intelligent.
>
> It this true??? Tell me it ain't so!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} duh...


377-06    (15772 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it when I think life can't get any worse, it usually does?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Check any reputable calculus book, you should find a fairly simple
} proof of the following:
}
}       lim    L(t)+M(t)+B(t)+H(t) = 0
}    t->infinity
}
} where:
}   L(t):  Love at time (t)
}   M(t):  Money at time (t)
}   B(t):  Business success at time (t)
}   H(t):  General happiness at time (t)
}
} Put simply, the sum of these four functions is strictly decreasing
} with respect to time, which is why life keeps getting worse for
} you. Sorry, simple mathematical truth.


377-07    (137a1 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, ye mighty Oracle,
>     I have but humble needs... there is this question on my mind,
>     that only thou can answer - if you'd be so kind
>     to ponder deeply and to tell me :
>
> What's the correct translation of the dutch word 'kroket' in english ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear kroket-head:
}
}   The Dutch word 'kroket' actually has three meanings:
}
}   1. Most often, 'kroket' is used as an expletive, as in:
}      "Veer ist ool dees kroket vater gomingk vrom?"
}
}   2. Somewhat less often, 'kroket' refers to an sport played on a lawn
}      covered in about 9 to 12 inches of water. Wooden mallets are used
}      to drive heavy stone or wooden balls through mousehole shaped
}      wires, or "wickets."
}
}      Participants are often heard to shout the name of this game after
}      tripping on the above mentioned underwater wickets. See definition
}      1.
}
}   3. Lastly, 'kroket' may refer to a rather insidious marital aid
}      invented by a U.S. national guard officer in the 60s. The name of
}      the officer is unknown, but his initials, J.D.Q., are often used
}      to refer to the three major components of a kroket: Jelly,
}      Dog-collar, and Quarterhorse.
}
}      In some Central American regimes and extra-Earthly dimensions,
}      a variant of the kroket is used as a torture device on political
}      prisoners and inadequate grovelers, respectively.
}
}                                   Regards,
}                                   The Mighty Oracle
}
} P.S. You owe the oracle a kroket of your choice.
}
} I heard that.


377-08    (25c30 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear
> to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than
> what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.
>
> Don't you agree?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that question sure has us thinking hard up here in Heaven(TM).
} We tried the usual approaches:
}
} gabriel>augury -chicken
} Entrails v1.3 pondering...
} ...
} ...
} Did you remember to brush your teeth this morning?
} gabriel>
}
} We tried some unusual approaches, involving a goat and a rubber glove,
} but these led us nowhere.  We tried to ask the Boss about it, but he
} was away at a conference.  Finally, we came up with the solution.
} This sort of question is easy to answer - you take a coin, throw it,
} and once the coin is in the air you'll realise what answer you
} actually want.
}
} Thus, the answer is: tails.
}
} The oracle requests a new rubber glove in payment.


377-09    (03b62 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> of most discerning eyes,
> of intelligence most vast
> knowing present, future, and past,
> please tell me,
>
> Why do I lover her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh suplicant trephined,
} Surely thou art blind.
} With cortex miniscule,
} You insist on playing fool...
}
} Oh for crying in the sepulchral sink,
} 'lover' is a noun not a verb -- 'Why do I lover her' doesn't make
} sense, it's like saying 'Why do I mountain her?'
}
} Oh, but I'm in a generous mood and I'll assume that you made an honest
} spelling mistake... and I'll take the question as you meant it...
}       'Why do I lower her?'
}
} The answer child is:  (tiny thunder claps and a modest lightning bolt)
}
}       Because she's getting heavy!
}
} You owe the oracle your grade three English text and a new pulley.


377-10    (56641 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it bleach only removes the dark stains from my underwear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, sonny, that's because you're probably using selective bleach. You
} see, ordinary bleach only covers the lower end of the spectrum, whereas
} for stains of lighter hue, say red or yellows, require a special form
} of bleach. This could be rectified by not using dorm washing machines,
} but by going to college cleaners and having them do it.
}
} It would also help if you stopped inserting small animals into your
} rectum.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org