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Internet Oracularities #379

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Usenet Oracularities #379    (15 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 91 15:11:50 -0500

@@@ Happy Thanksgiving! --JRP

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   379
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

379   15 votes 12642 33720 12921 06540 03255 13a10 33540 003a2 12561 17610
379   3.1 mean  3.3   2.5   3.0   2.9   3.8   2.7   2.7   3.9   3.3   2.5


379-01    (12642 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I am currently doing the following things.  Please tell me which ones
> are bad.
>
> 1. Drink alcoholic beverages.
> 2. Listen to Heavy Metal.
> 3. Try to get girls and fail.
> 4. Have a positive attitude.
> 5. Smile.
>
> Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > 1. Drink alcoholic beverages.
}
} What else are they good for?
} Sometime soon, you should try giving alcoholic beverages to girls,
} it works for me. (*[1] Sometimes.)
}
} > 2. Listen to Heavy Metal.
}
} What's the matter with this?
} If you get a guitar and start playing Led Zepplin in the room next to
} mine I'll sneak over there in the middle of the night and stuff gummie
} bears in your nose. Strange, that happened to the last guy that lived
} next door to me.
}
} > 3. Try to get girls and fail.
}
} What should you do when you do manage to get a girl?
} Sometime soon, you should try giving girls to alcholic beverages,
} it works for me. (*[2] This can be tricky.)
}
} > 4. Have a positive attitude.
}
} Why would you want a negative attitude?
} Could you loan me $20? *[5]
}
} > 5. Smile.
}
} Why should you smile?
} I have a cleaner more specific target to aim for if I decide to knock
} your misaligned teeth right down your patheticly ungroveling throat.
}
}               >+<- - - - - - - - - - - - - ->+<
}                |  THE ORACLE HATHETH SPOKEN  |   *[6]
}               >+<- - - - - - - - - - - - - ->+<
}
} *TOE-NOTES*
}  [1] It did work once. I swear-to-myself it worked. I never lie.
}  [2] I'm kind of partial to Jello Shots in a Mr.Turtle kiddie pool.
}  [3] Squirels are naturaly good chess players.
}  [4] Someone is me.
}  [5] How about five dollars? *[7]
}  [6] You owe Someone*[4] a piece of ice shaped like a spoon.
}  [7] A quarter?
} *TOE-NOTES*


379-02    (33720 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I tried to do it.  But my shots backfired.  What's a sure fire way to
> attract her?  Is she really interested in me?  Am I really a loser?
> Do my feet stink?  Inquiring minds want to know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What?  No groveling??  What is this mortal world coming to when two
} questions in a row have NO groveling in them?
}
} Just because you are unique in being the second consecutive person to
} ask me a question without groveling, I will consent to answer it.
}
} A sure fire (and original too!) way to attract any girl is accomplished
} in two simple steps:
}
} 1) Get her to wear a steel suit of armor.
}
} 2) Obtain a very powerful electromagnet and turn it on.  That way you
} will definately attract her every time, without fail.
}
} You owe the Oracle a strand of copper wire.


379-03    (12921 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, what suggestions do you have for turkeys this
> time of year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Hmmm...  Well, I suggest that you go through with that plastic
} surgery that you've been thinking about.  Also, I would suggest not
} sending any more money to Jim Bakker.  And, by the way, I'm always
} happy to give advice to all you turkeys any time of year!
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of cranberry sauce.


379-04    (06540 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TELL ME A LIST OF GAMES

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Game-boy,
}   It should be obvious that the Oracle - however mighty - will not
}   bother to create a list of ALL existing games. But, to show you His
}   kindness he grants you one game...
}
}   The game is called BIT. To play BIT you'll need a friend who's
}   willing to waste a couple of days playing the game with you. Suppose
}   you finally found someone who is.
}
}   1) Make sure pencil and paper are at hand.
}   2) Ask your victim - I mean friend - to name a random integer
}      in the range [0..1]
}   3) If his reply is neither 0 or nor 1, explain him the rules again.
}   4) Write down his reply (0 or 1)
}   5) Repeat steps 2-4 for, say, a 10,000,000 times.
}   6) Count the number of times you wrote down a 1.
}      Devide this number by the total number of times you repeated steps
}      2-4
}   7) The result should approximately equal 0.5 :
}      a) If it doesn't, your friend looses, and you WIN!
}      b) If it does, your friend wins, but you are provided with a human
}         random integer generator on the range [0..1] meaning that you
}         can finally get rid of Turbo Pascal's Rotten Random
}         Generator....
}
}   HAVE FUN !!!
}
}      You owe the Oracle a random gift on the range [$0..$100] ;
}      make your check payable to his incarnated alter ego HaribOracle
}      at tgcphb@urc.tue.nl


379-05    (03255 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, whose MIPS are beyond count, whose MFLOPS
> put ten thousand Crays to shame, whose disk capacity is such that
> all the GIFs ever posted to a.s.p. occupy only a fraction of it and
> who solves more problems each clock cycle than IBM has made for its
> customers with MVS,
>
> we have a problem here.
>
> We're doing program development here, and a lot of our programs dump
> core.  So far, we've been storing them outside, but some people have
> complained because they found them 'olfactorily offensive' (they
> actually claim our programs stink!), while others fear the cores may be
> radioactive or toxic, thus presenting a hazard to general health and to
> ground water.
>
> Also, our bit bucket is full, so that garbage collection no longer
> works.  EMACS has been out on strike recently, wanting a 'clean working
> environment' and higher wages, i. e. even more CPU time, while he was
> at it.
>
> What should we do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are you sitting comfortably?  Then I'll begin.
}
} Once upon a time there were three bears; Mummy bear, Daddy bear and
} Hacker bear.  Now Hacker bear liked programming but wasn't particularly
} good at it, so his room gradually became littered with dumped cores.
} While he was young, Mummy bear didn't mind clearing up the dumped cores
} because Hacker bear was her son, but as time wore on and Hacker bear's
} programs became more adventurous, she gradually lost patience and made
} Hacker bear clean up his own mess.
}
} Meanwhile, Daddy bear had started to become ill, and tests showed that
} their house contained excessively large amounts of radon.  The
} inspectors examined Hacker bear's room and found a huge mass of old
} cores which he'd swept under the carpet.  Of course, they had to go,
} and Mummy and Daddy bear took away Hacker bear's computer.
}
} Things went smoothly for the next few months, and Daddy bear recovered.
} Then when Hacker bear entered senior school, he managed to persuade
} Mummy and Daddy bear that he'd improved his programming habits and that
} he needed it for school work.  Mummy bear wasn't so sure but Daddy bear
} thought it would be OK.  But young bears being what they are, and being
} exporsed to the wide environment of a big school, Hacker bear started
} to buy magazines like "WhizzBang" and "Computer Games Monthly".
}
} Hacker bear came out of school with good results -- although not
} outstanding, they were better than either he or his parents had hoped
} for.  He went off to university where he started to get involved with
} mainframes.  His parents were so proud when he brought home his first
} real 386, claiming that this was the real thing and that he wasn't
} interested in the 8086's he'd been seeing before.  But at the start of
} the second year he got involved with hard programming -- C and
} assembler.  His idea of exciting reading matter had become "The Joy of
} Programming" and "Communications of the ACM".  And soon it got to the
} point where he couldn't program without reading hardcore trade
} magazines first.
}
} Hacker bear found it difficult to sustain the lifestyle he'd become
} accustomed to, and he began trading programming advice with others.  He
} was a small-time programmer, still swearing by vi, when he was
} approached by a sinister character in black.  It didn't take long
} before he was swayed onto the hard stuff and joined the denizens of the
} emacs-worshippers. He spent more and more time in front of the
} keyboard.  He became pallid, his eyes became shrunken.  If he spent
} more than a couple of hours away from the keyboard he began to shake.
} All-nighters changed from the occasional to the necessary.  And all the
} time he felt this force driving him onwards ... he had to help those
} poor programmers who still used vi ... they hadn't seen the light ...
} Hacker bear could take them away from all this to a better place where
} nobody bothered with insert mode and the meta-key was the key to
} eternity.
}
} And then ... it happened.
}
} He'd been adding more and more functions to his editor, thinking that
} it didn't matter, he could go back to vi whenever he wanted to.  But
} after a binge of 51 hours straight programming, he crashed.
}
} He was rushed to hospital.  Doctors examined him and were shocked at
} the way a huge tumour of a core had grown inside his brain.  He was
} subjected to every treatment they could think of but it was no use.
} Three days after his twenty-first birthday, Mummy and Daddy bear told
} the doctors to switch off his life support system, and he was sent his
} final SIGTERM.
}
} So take heed, O lowly mortal;  clean out those cores, and tell EMACS
} what it can do with its higher wages.  For it has already got a grip
} on your system and may even now be stalking its next victim.....
}
} You owe the Oracle a chip butty.


379-06    (13a10 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> What is the next logical step, now that I know I will never see her
> again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Must've followed my advice on how to get her attention. Heh, heh.)
}
} So you'll never see her again, eh? Tough break. There are a few
} ways you can handle this:
}
} 1) Realize that rejection by her proves once and for all that you're
} a worthless computer geek, who nobody loves, nobody respects, and
} nobody likes. In this case, you should hang yourself.
}
} 2) Realize that rejection by her proves once and for all that *she's*
} a worthless computer geek, who loves nobody, respects nobody, and
} likes nobody. In this case, you should hang her.
}
} 3) Realize that my insensitive response to you proves once and for
} all that I'm a worthless computer geek, who only loves Lisa, respects
} Lisa, and likes Lisa. In this case, you should stick it in your
} ear... sideways.
}
} Follow this advice, and you should get far. Feel free to contact
} me if there's anything else you need.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bale of heavy-grade rope, tied in a noose at
} one end.


379-07    (33540 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who told him that she went with wassisname to the movie even though
> she knew that he'd know that she'd get caught with wassisname so she
> dressed differently and wore lots of make-up but the other guy went
> to the movie and caught him and beat him up so who was the person who
> went to the movie with her and when is he coming home?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No grovelling? This means that ...                    HAHAHAHAHAHA!
}
} Because she who went to the movies with wassisname normally didn't have
} lots of make-up but now when she went to the movie with wassisname she
} had to wear lots of make-up, even though she didn't like wearing lots
} of makup which was definitely what blew her cover which made him beat
} him up so badly that the person who went to the movie wigh wassisname
} really doesn't want to know him any more and wassisname doesn't know
} himself anymore because the one who's looking at him in the mirror
} actually isn't wassisname anymore which leads to the conclusion that
} the person who went to the movie with her doesn't actually exist
} anymore at least in the shape he used to be so it really isn't worth
} mentioning if he was anybody but I know that he is not coming home!
}
} You owe the Oracle a free ticket to the movie that she went with
} wassisname.


379-08    (003a2 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I have a girlfriend anytime soon, and will she be someone I know?
>  If not, what will she be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Tons of confetti, balloons and fanfare music appear in the background]
}
} CONGRATULATIONS!  You are the ONE MILLIONTH sentient being to ask the
} Oracle this question!  You've won an instant trip to
} iuvax.cs.indiana.edu!
}
} [The Oracle gestures, and the dazed supplicant appears.]
}
} Supplicant:
} WOW!  Thanks, Oracle, but what about my question?
}
} Oracle:
} That's the best part!  You've also won ONE HOUR -- yes, one FULL hour
} alone with Lisa in a locked room!
}
} -- [The spotlights focus on a steel door, which opens to reveal Lisa
} dressed in a see through leopard-skin teddy, carrying a whip.]
}
} Supplicant:
} Uh...
}
} Oracle:
} Congratulations, you lucky mortal!  In ya go!
}
} Supplicant:
} Hey, WAIT a minute!  [WHIP!]  OW!  Stop that!  I didn't -- HELP!
} SOMEBODY!
}
} Oracle:
} We'll be back in an hour to check on his progress.  Meanwhile, the
} 999,998th person to ask "What's going to be on the CS midterm?" is
} calling in now...


379-09    (12561 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'll make it short: why the f**k did you do that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Geez, somebody had to!  That chihuahua would have eventually taken over
} most of the free world if I hadn't prevented it.  I _had_ to flatten it
} with that steamroller.
}
} Of course, that's not to say that I didn't enjoy doing it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a few more chihuahuas and some dynamite.


379-10    (17610 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle!  I cannot bring myself to grovel.  My head is full of doubts!
> In a recent collection of your magnificent wisdom I noticed that you
> referred to giardia bacteria, when, as everyone knows, giardia is
> caused by a nasty protozoan.
>
> I can accept that God might miss the occasional fact.  His omniscience
> and perfection apply to the moral sphere.  If the numbers in Genesis
> don't quite add up, or if whales get big enough to swallow people, or
> if the earth stops spinning for a day or two, it's all right.  The
> important issue is that the moral perspective is right.  But, O Oracle,
> I had always believed that your perfection was the converse.  I had
> believed that, though you may have made the occasional error in moral
> truth, on matters of fact you were infallible.  And now, what am I too
> believe?  Since it is so obvious that you have moral sensitivity of
> beached kelp, if I admit that you do not have factual infallibility,
> what is left to believe?  Please tell me that the amanuensis was in
> error, and that you did not really say that about giardia.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do not be alarmed, by faithful servant.  I was merely testing to see if
} my underlings were really paying attention to me with all their heart,
} all their soul and all their might.  These words which I said to you
} that day were merely one of these tests.
} Being all-knowing, all-seeing, and all-powerful, I was not testing for
} myself, since I already know when you are sleeping, when you're awake,
} and whether you've been bad or good.  This test was for you.


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