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Internet Oracularities #38

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Usenet Oracularities #38
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 30 Oct 89 20:45:27 GMT

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38-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oracle, you big jerk,
>
>   Why don't I get any creative answers from you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A long time ago, in the land of Glossary, there was an Oracle who gave
} creative answers to all who came to it.  No matter how foolish or petty
} the question, the answer was always creative.  Then, one day, a great
} hero by the name of Dr.  Bluebird Mellon-Equestrian came to Glossary,
} and looked around him.  There, he saw chaos and destruction.  Once, a
} fisherman had asked the best way to catch fish; the oracle's reply had
} included wearing of a pyramid-shaped fez made of quartz, and so now all
} the fishermen wore such fezzes.  The oracle had decreed that four
} temples to the goddess of Tofu be built, and (though Glossary was quite
} poor), the temples were being built -- with difficulty, because in an
} earlier proclamantion the Oracle had decreed that mortar be composed of
} half bee's wings and half quail's tongues.  The oracle had decreed that
} all who rode horses must also ride goats, and the traffic was in chaos.
} Dr.  Bluebird Mellon-Equestrian was amazed, and wrote a book about it.
} The oracle was embarrassed and commited suicide.
}
} Now we only give creative answers to creative questions.
}
} You owe the oracle a travelogue


38-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Well, oracle, see, there's this girl.  I've liked her for quite a long
> time and just a couple months ago I told her I really loved her, like
> I've never felt toward anyone else, and she acted sort of startled.
> Then she acted for a while like she loved me also.  Pretty soon she
> started acting strangely, and, just four weeks ago, she decided to
> absolutely stop seeing me altogether.
>
>         I later learned that she collected hair samples for some sort of
> strange experiment.  She took lots of my hair when I didn't even know
> it.  You'd be surprised at some of the places she took hair from.  I
> didn't think she had any computer knowledge but then I saw her posting
> frequently on rec.witchcraft.masochistic.  That's how I found out about
> the hair she stole from me.  I think she's building a voodoo doll.  I've
> been getting strange pains in weird places lately.  My bowels have been
> in moving in rather erratic, uncomfortable ways.  All my remaining hair
> is falling out.  My doctor just told me I have AIDS.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle understands your quandary.  You need strong juju to fight
} back against your ex-lover's curses.  You must write to Papa Jim!  (BTW,
} I am not making this up.)
}   Papa Jim Company
}   Box 14128
}   5630 S. Flores
}   San Antonio, TX, 78214
}
} They have a kit to help you.  I quote verbatim (modulo typing errors:)
}
} BLACK WITCH JINX REMOVING SPELL.         ORDER NUMBER RC 130
} Black is for doing evil or for jinx removing, or change of luck.
}
} In this spell, we are using it for jinx removing.  Place a piece of
} aluminum foil about 12x12 on the table, write your name or the persons
} name who needs the jinx removed on the Black Witch.  Then place the
} witch on the foil, pour Morning Glory oil all over the candle, then
} sprinkle the candle with the Mistletoe powser.  Burn four winds incense.
} (while your are doing this ritual think of the jinxs going away)
}
} While you are lighting the candle and incense say the following, BLACK
} WITCH AS YOU BURN SO WILL THE JINX AND EVIL THAT SOMEONE HAS PUT ON ME,
} CARRY IT BACK TO THE PERSON THAT WAS SO EVIL, LET THE FOUR WINDS BE
} SWIFT, AND CARRY YOUR SPIRIT BACK TO THEM, ALONG WITH THE EVIL.
}
} Every day put more oil and powder on the Black Witch candle.
}
} When the witch is burnt to the bottom throw it into running water.
}
} Every day take a bath with the PAPA JIM 21 HERBAL BATH.
}
} Keep repeating this spell until the jinx is removed.
}
} Wear special witch perfume, mix it with protection perfume.
}
} Items needed: Black Witch candle          Morning Glory oil
}               Mistletoe powder            Four Winds incense
}               Papa Jim 21 herbal bath
}               protection perfume
}               special witch perfume
}
} Order number RC 130 price $27.00


38-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the Klordny Festival?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Klordney festival (spell it right, please) is the third-largest
} festival on the planet Oombobobobo.  Large numbers of ion detoxifiers
} come from hundreds of miles away to see who can recycle the largest
} container of beverages.  The great high Bkidney, on the third day of the
} festival, scatters ...  well ...  they look like sugar beets from here
} ...  to the crowd.
}
} And then it has all the things that an Oombobobobo festival should have!
} There are ferret [well, they look like ferrets] jugglers!  There are
} wine burners!  There are frayed garment sellers!  There are people
} *wearing* frayed garments!  There are badgers everywhere [well, they
} look like badgers, except the godawful color schemes].  There are people
} who will, for a small sum of money, immerse you in a bath of 4.2%
} ammonia and 1% isopropryl alcohol!  There are people who will sell you
} large puffy objects dripping with a syrup containing significant
} quantities of arsenic!  There are people who, for a small sum of money,
} plunge flaming blades into their arms as people stand around and laugh!
} There are people who, for a small sum of money, will copulate with
} replicas of famous Oombobobobo political figures carved out of ice!
}
} This is what it means to have fun, on Oombobobobo.
}
} You owe the Oracle either a round-trip ticket to Oombobobobo, or a large
} puffy object dripping with a syrup containing significant quantities of
} arsenic.


38-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it better to fall in love with Lisa, or drink a quart of gin on an
> empty stomach?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aha!!  Trick question!  You obviously thought I was going to assume that
} you were referring to the Lisa that has appeared in ASCI as well as
} ASCII.  But no!  You are in fact referring to Lisa Bonet, who plays
} daugther to Bill Cosby.
}
} Ahem...
}
} Falling in love with Lisa, while immediatle satisfying, will get you
} nowhere, as your love letters to her will get lost in all her other fan
} mail, while her agent is screening all her calls.  Thus Lisa will be
} unlikely to even know that you exist.  Compare this to the quart of gin,
} which, while immediately satisfying and giving you a world-class buzz,
} ends up making you extremely sick to your stomach.  This is assuming, of
} course, that you have not had a Beeblebrox brand digestive system
} installed.  At any rate, it comes down to a heartache versus a
} stomachache.  Using the universal theorem of relative importance, it
} comes down to whichever is the smaller organ in your body.
}
} Therefore,
}
} If you weigh less than 100 lbs., drink the gin Otherwise, fall in love
} with Lisa.
}
} Side note:  There is a slim chance you actually meant the Lisa computer.
} In that case, forget it, the Lisa is dead.  Drink the gin.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fake ID.


38-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my girlfriend never let me %^$#@ her in the (*&^@!~`, or stick
> my +=*(&%# between her ^&*%$ &*&^%$#@ after tying her up, or even simply
> *&^%# my ^&*%$# with her lips?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because she can't figure out what the (*&%*&%^#$ you're talking about.


38-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Generally all sadists ever do is keep pet hippopotamuses.  Why am I
> having such a hard time finding one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Which, a sadist or a hippopotamus?  I assume you want a sadist hippo,
} who does not have another hippo for a pet.  You are a hippo looking for
} another sadist hippo, am I correct?  My addvice is to place a personal
} in the magazine _Sadist Hippo_.  This should get you a quick response,
} as there are many Sadist Hippos out there looking for a masochist hippo
} such as yourself.  Alternatively, try alt.sex.bondage.hippo.
}
} You owe the oracle one bogus newsgroup.


38-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will become of our great oracle if no one asks questions
> with any value?
>
> Are the questions so bad because the oracle is where and what it is?
>
> How long can this last?  And what are you going to do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If nobody asks questions of great value, then I will just have to reveal
} cosmic truth in the answers to small-valued questions, won't I?
}
} The questions that have been recieved are, generally, pretty good.
} There are exceptions:  the music terms have been consistently foolish.


38-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have coated my body with noxious substances, but nobody seems to care.
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your assumption is wrong grasshopper, everyone does care.  We've been
} trying to get through to you for such a long time now.  It pleases me to
} find that you have finally admitted your addiction to the sensation of
} spreading Elmer's glue all over your body, then letting it dry, and then
} peeling it off in one giant flake.  My advice to you is to remember to
} shave your body before doing so, it is a real bitch getting it off your
} hair.
}
} For your question you owe the Usenet Oracle an Epilady and two toe
} hairs.


38-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will it take for Notre Dame to lose a football game?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mice.  millions of them.  swarming all over the field.  Climbing into
} the players' clothing.  Eating the players' genital organs.


38-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle, are there accidents at Keebler factories?  Ya know, an elf
> falls into the machinery or gets a hand caught in the chocolate chipper.
> It is just that I came across something chewy in a cookie...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oh, very often the elf accidents in the keebler of factories.  very
} large the vats, oils and the butter are for to coat the catwalkers with,
} dim the lights, quick run the elves, very the danger, so much always the
} danger.  so many the elves are for to be paid in rum, so often drunk the
} elves, so often the tattles of the elf hats fall for the elf face.  so
} you see the very much the danger!  very many the elfs die, very often
} the elves are for to fall the vats.  so many the cookies with the elf
} bone, the elf gizzard.
}
} very good thing for to be that the elf is of sugar and candy made.


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