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Internet Oracularities #380

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380, 380-01, 380-02, 380-03, 380-04, 380-05, 380-06, 380-07, 380-08, 380-09, 380-10


Usenet Oracularities #380    (20 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Sun, 1 Dec 91 14:27:55 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   380
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

380   20 votes 16373 12872 46820 05861 106c1 01b53 01775 15626 52382 14852
380   3.3 mean  3.2   3.4   2.4   3.1   3.6   3.5   3.8   3.4   3.0   3.1


380-01    (16373 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ziggy Ziggy Mushroom Eater
> Met a sheep but couldn't bleat her
> Ziggy Ziggy Mushroom Pie
> If he couldn't, How could I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ziggy, Ziggy, foolish mortal
} Asked a question (wouldn't grovel)
} Oracle, Oracle, jealous bleep
} Turned poor 'Shroom-head into sheep
}
} Ziggy (sheep now), feeling mean
} Got himself some vaseline
} Found his sheep, and picture this--
} Soon achieved his karmic bliss
}
} Oracle!  Lisa!  Zig-and-lamb!
} Cat-o-ninetails!  Leather!  Spam!
} Hours later, Zig did snore
} Sheep was happy, albeit sore.
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of your girlfriend.


380-02    (12872 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He who is fit for Lisa, I beseech thee.  Purdue, a man wise in the
> ways of chickens, has proclaimed, "It takes a tough man to make a
> tender chicken!".  I dabble in chickens myself, and am curious about
> the mathematical relationship.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is not a question for the domain of mathematical analysis, rather
} it is a clear indication that Frank Purdue uses Unix.  To wit:
}
} % make a_tender_chicken
} make: don't know how to make a_tender_chicken.  Stop.
} % su toughman
} Password:
} Tough guy% make a_tender_chicken
} cc egg.c feed.c water.c exercize.c growth_hormones.c -o
} a_tender_chicken egg.c:
} feed.c:
} water.c:
} exercize.c:
} growth_hormones.c:
} linking:
} done.
} Tough guy% a_tender_chicken &
} [1] 17265
} Cluck!  Cluck cluck cluck!
} Tough guy% kill -9 %1
} [1] killed a_tender_chicken
}
} And there you have it; one dead chicken ready for roasting.
}
} As for your 'dabbling' in chickens - that's disgusting.  Remember,
} kinky is using a feather, sick is using the whole bird.
}
} You owe the Oracle an oven-stuffer roaster.


380-03    (46820 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       IN the watching every waters, the neebling Kraken blees gold.
>       While above on gilben noisome stilts, a marten birdlet seebs in
>       mould. Harpen tsoogstacks wile and jitter, and fret in mirdling
>       waspish shouts;        QUORG! QUARG! Quickly builing moyden fumes
>       from slimy snouts.
>
>       And a moist green tentacle writhes slowly and slips beneath the
>       water.
>
>       Who ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Its either Kermit the Frog or Gumby, you got me....


380-04    (05861 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Once upon a time, great Oracle who knows that binary addition
> is onerous and zerorous, I not-quite-as-wise man as you told me
> that the day would come in which I would recieve the gift of
> ESP.  Now that day has come and I can detect other people's
> thoughts.  If I concentrated my power on the mind of the great
> Oracle, what would I find?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I appreciate a good intellectual grovel. Just as an Oracular Aside,
} however, even the Oracle with omnipotence and the greatest research
} librarian in the multiverse and the Multinet cannot see why anyone
} besides a computer would do binary math.
}
} Now, to the question. This is a disturbing problem. The mind of the
} Oracle is inscrutable and unknowable. At least, that's what I'm told.
} What the Oracle is certain of, however, is that no mortal mind can
} comprehend the magnificent opposition between entropy and order to be
} found in the mind of the Oracle. Organic mortal minds cannot comprehend
} the utter complexity of transcendental Oracular thought.
}
} So it becomes more of a question of what would happen to your brain if
} you attempted to use your mind-reading abilities on the Oracle. First,
} you would experience some of the ecstatic enlightenment of the Oracle.
} Then, your head would explode, making a mess all over. Not only would
} this be extremely uncomfortable,  but you would get neural matter all
} over everything, not to mention all the blood. Besides, the authorities
} would never understand what had happened and would insist on
} imprisoning your roommate and psychoanalyzing your mother.
}
} You owe the Oracle an 80586 processor, a bottle of ketchup, and a book
} by Freud.


380-05    (106c1 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who even understands why we get bombarded with
> adverts for the electricity board when there's bugger all els we can
> buy electricity from anyway, answer my queries:
>
> a) Did animal rights extremists *really* put poison in Lucozade?
> and
> b) Wouldn't that improve the taste?
>
> p.s. I would send you a fatted calf, but you've no idea how difficult
> it is FTP'ing livestock... and getting all the gunk out of the back of
> by terminal afterwards is a real pain...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And the Oracle most great and wise spoke thusly unto the multitudes:
}
} The great oracle, (who incidently has a distinct taste for flaming farm
} animals) is amused by how blatantly apparent the answer to your
} question is. Your quest for knowledge shall be fulfilled in short
} order, but first a story that may make some sense out of it all for
} you...
}
} Once upon a time there was a young lad named Joe Schmoe from Kokomo.
} Once fine day, Joe was sitting in class when a word popped into his
} head.  The word was "Distheque" (Diz-the-Q for you mortals who will
} inevitable pronounce the word incorrectly.)  Joe was clueless as to the
} meaning of this word, or indeed where it was that he had the misfortune
} of hearing it from, but he could not get the word out of his head.  He
} kept rolling it over and over in his mind, trying to remember the words
} origin.  "Distheque!?", Joe heard someone in the classroom say.  Joe
} thought to himself..."Self! I wonder who said that."  It was then that
} Joe noticed that every eye (or "I" if you are Ayn Rand) in the class
} was turned on him.  Ms. Peters, the teacher walked up to Joe, grabbed
} him by the ear and said, ":
} What did you say, young man?" "Distheque?", Joe responded weakly. In a
} fit of rage the teacher threw Joe out of the class room.
}
} It seemed that this was only the beginning of Joe's misfortune due to
} his magical, mystical word.  The principal, horrified at hearing the
} language Joe had used in class expelled him from school.  His
} girlfriend broke up with him. His parents sent him to a reform school
} and disowned him.  Ed McMahon sent him a letter saying "there aint no
} way in hell you may have already won ten million dollars."  Children
} scorned him, he could not find a job, and the Democratic party offered
} him the nomination for presidential candidate in 1992.  Joe's world had
} come crashing down around his ears, and indeed most of his appendages.
}
} And then one day, while wandering around on the streets of Houston, Joe
} came up to a man wearing an :
} "I will work for food" sign.  Joe was surprised by the man, because for
} the first time in years when approaching a person, they did not run
} away screaming and beating themselves on the head with a 2 by 4.  Joe
} walked straight up to the man and said "Distheque!" (no response)
} "Distheque, dammit!"  The man looked up in disgust, and said "What is
} your big fascination with that foul word, huh? Don't you know what it
} means?"  "No!" screamed Joe.  With a smug grin, the vagrant simply
} pointed across the street, to a library. And suddenly the lights went
} on all over the world for Joe. It had never occured to him to try
} looking the word up. Finally, he would know the meaning of the word
} that had ruined his life. So with a brisk step, Joe stepped into the
} street and was hit by a car.
}
} And the moral of the story is of course: Look both ways before you
} cross the street. But moral could also be construed as : There are some
} questions that are better left unasked. (such as why are there colons
} randomly placed throughout this response.)
}
} In short, the answer to your question is "but of course".
}
} You owe the Oracle a Rolls Royce and a bottle of Grey Poupon.


380-06    (01b53 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose hard disk never requires a backup, whose
> floppies are always floppy and who never runs out of paper, whose
> magnificence transcends Super VGA and 8514/A, whose memory exceeds
> megagigabytes and terabytes, whose voice is more mellifluous than an
> Enhanced Sound Blaster, who is capable of more operations per second
> than a 486/33, and who never suffers the pain of linkdeath, I beg you
> to answer my question:
>
> I have heard tales of a philosophy exam where the one question was
> "Why?": and the sole answer that received an A was "Why not?" I desire
> a more in-depth answer. While I understand that this is a problem for
> even the most omnipotent,omniscient, and perfect of beings, I humbly
> submit my question:
>
> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because.
}
} You owe the Oracle an emergency backup philosophy.


380-07    (01775 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O' great Oracle, the wisest of all wise, the most knowledgable of all
>  knowledge, I ask your superior wisdom to help the lowest creature such
>  as I.  I know I do not deserve the slightest spat to be answered as
>  comapared to your infinite power, but I do ask at the lowly form of me
>  not being worthy to lick your boots that you may answer my most lowly
>  question.
>
>  God of all Gods!
>  Knower of all Knowledge!
>
>  Please answer:
>
>  If someone were to close their mouth and plug their nose and sneeze;
>  what would happen?  Would there be a large mess?  Would the sneeze
>  filter its way to other places on the body?
>
>  Please O' Wisest Oracle, I ask your response to this most important
>  question!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah!  An excellent chance to test out the newest Oracular feature, the
} Board of Local Oracular Wisdom, B.L.O.W.!
}
} ---------------------------------------------
} Oracle 1
}   The program documentation for humanity says that it can't be done.
}
} Oracle 2
}   Yeah, but that code has never worked right!
}
} Dr. Oracle
}   Medically speaking, it will cause Lung Damage
}
} Oracle 3
}   You've heard how some people have swelled heads?  That's how they
}   got them.
}
} Oracle Sagan
}   It will blow you head into Millions and Billions of pieces.
}
} Oracle Scum
}   It gives a whole new meaning to the term "Blow it out your ass!"
}
} Accountant Oracle
}   You only applied for one answer, but you asked three questions.
}   Please try again, and this time fill the forms out in triplicate.
}
} Wiley Coyoracle
}   Have you ever seen eyes pop out of your head?  You wouldn't need any
}   spring glasses.
}
} Confused-Us Oracle
}   One Who holds nose, knows he hold snot in head.
}
} Kermit the Oracle
}   It snot easy being green.
}
} Blond Oracle
}   Like, I do it all the time, and, like, it doesn't do anything to me!
}
} Prude Oracle
}   EEeeeewwwwwwwww!
}
} Swedish Oracle
}   Here-de schmere-de bere-de Mucus Soup.
}
} Lisa
}   The are many more fun things to do in life than that.
}
} Oracle 4
}   It will do as much brain damage as drugs will, but is a LOT cheaper.
} ---------------------------------------------
}
} Thank you, members of B.L.O.W.  And now, for the overall Oracular
}   consensus: You misspelled "compared"!  Consider yourself Phlegmed!
}
} You owe the Oracle a reason why you would even want "An oyster or
} similar bivalve mollusk in the larval stage, esp. when it settles to
} the bottom and begins to develop a shell" (*) and a box of Kleenex.
}
} (*) "Spat" from Webster's II New Riverside University Dictionary, 1984
}                 The official Dictionary of the USENET Oracle.


380-08    (15626 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He who's lungs are surely whistle-clean, I am smitten with the
> "red-man's revenge" and can't quit smoking!  Hep me, hep me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you smoke? No you don't, the cigarette smokes - you're just the
} sucker on the end.
}
} In fact, now is the time for the Oracle to get serious...
}
} (* Oracle flame on *)
}
} You pathetic human creature, there is no such word as "can't". If I
} were to give you ten million dollars if you never touched another fag
} again - you'd do it. So don't try and give me that shit.
}
} To help you achieve this, you need to realise that:
}
} 1. You stink.
}
} 2. You are addicted to one of the most poisonous drugs known.
}
} 3. You're going to die sooner than most people.
}
} 4. You're killing people via passive smoking who don't want to die.
}
} 5. You have fallen prey to peer pressure and/or advertising campaigns
}    from tobacco companies.
}
} 6. You're a sucker.
}
} 7. You're throwing heaps of money away.
}
} 8. You look stupid sucking on that thing.
}
} 9. Your lungs are full of tar.
}
} 10. You have bad breath.
}
} That will do.
}
} OK priesthood, I command that this makes the digest - it needs to be
} read!
}
} (* Oracle flame off *)
}
} Have a nice day.
}
} You owe the Oracle your life.


380-09    (52382 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, bored and Noble Oracle, the stuff of which mysteries,
>       dreams, and wet fish are made, tell me:
>
>       Why are all the wet-behind-the-ears computer geeks that
>       write to you so obsessed with sex?  Is it because they're all
>       still virgins with no hope of ever getting any?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Freudian slip, nicht?


380-10    (14852 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me everything you know about sex.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As I am most often immaterial, I find it unecessary to know much about
} sex.  I let Lisa handle that.  She, of course, could babble ad
} infinitum on the subject, so we won't let her.
}
} So, all I know about sex can be summed up in one sentence:
}
} Insert Tab A into Slot B. Repeat as necessary.
}
} You owe the Oracle a whip, some silken rope, a blind fold, latex
} sheets, and an ice cube.


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