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Internet Oracularities #381

Goto:
381, 381-01, 381-02, 381-03, 381-04, 381-05, 381-06, 381-07, 381-08, 381-09, 381-10


Usenet Oracularities #381    (18 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 91 08:12:52 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   381
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

381   18 votes 13842 42840 12582 28620 24570 14472 13266 43380 01674 15552
381   3.1 mean  3.2   2.7   3.4   2.4   2.9   3.3   3.7   2.8   3.8   3.1


381-01    (13842 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh please be so magnanimous and deign answer me this: How do
> insurance salesmen sleep at night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A recent Oracle investigation came up with a partial answer to your
} question.  We had the opportunity to look in on a sleeping insurance
} salesman and this is what we found:
}
} On the nighttable:
}
} 1 partially empty bottle of Darvon(tm)
} 1 full bottle of Valium(tm), labelled with 10 refills
} 1 Litre of Wild Turkey, half empty
} 1 copy of _Situational_Ethics_ by Sen Alan Cranston (foreward by
}       charles Keating)
}
} The bedclothes were tossed in thirty different directions, with the
} salesman in a fetal postion clutching a baseball bat, presumably
} having a nightmare about Federal regulation.
}
} Clear enough?
}
} You owe the Oracle a policy with the Oracle as chief beneficiary.


381-02    (42840 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is the job of an oracle a hard one? Do you ever have any holidays?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the Usenet Oracle's answering machine. I am currently having
} a holiday in Bulgaria. If you want to leave a message, forget it.


381-03    (12582 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, oracle, who knows the time in all the time zones in the blink of
> an eye, and who can calculate the exact position of every single atom
> in the universe in a shorter time than most of us spend tieing our
> shoes every morning, I beeseech you, tell me this :
>
> What good is the B-2 Stealth Bomber anyhow?
>
> I will check my e-mail every ten minutes in anticipation of your
> wise and correct answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The B-2 Stealth Bomber has more uses that meets the eye, mostly because
} this IS a Stealth Bomber.  Unfortunately, the airplane was developed by
} the U.S. to sneak up on the "Evil Empire" which no longer, and never
} did exist. So what are they being used for now?
}
} I believe that there were some 40 planes made.
}
} - Santa picked up one so he could avoid being shot at over LA.
} - 14 went to Universal Studios and were used as props in their latest
}   movie, "Iron Eagle 31: A sneaky trip to the quickie mart!"
} - I bought one for Lisa should she could get around without being
}   hounded by worthless Oracle newbies.
} - 3 were purchased by the National Foundation for the Arts and have
}   walnut linoleum with kitchen utensils glued to the outside in an
}   attempt at a modern art display.
} - Burger King got 13 and are using them as playground attractions in 9
}   cities around the US.
} - The Home Shopping network grabbed the remaining 7, and only managed
}   to sell one to an eldery woman in Nebraska who is now using it to
}   scare the neighborhood kids.
}
} But that is only 39, where is the last Stealth Bomber?
}
} The last unaccounted for aircraft is currently being used by John
} Sununu secret trips to Fredricks of Hollywood.
}
} You owe the Oracle a device that will defeat the Stealth technology so
} I can figure out where Lisa has flown off to.


381-04    (28620 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gastronomically omniscient Oracle, the pungence of whose
> knowledge is the wasabi in the nigiri-zushi of life, please tell me:
>
> If girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice,
> how come they taste like tuna fish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They taste like tuna fish because that is what you want them
} to taste like.  It all goes back to your childhood when your
} mother made you a tunna fish sandwhich and you choked on it.
} They rushed you the hospital where this pretty young nurse
} looked after you and ....
}
} You owe the Oracle a fix for this Fraudian syndrome and
} a illustrated book of lymmerics about the Young Lady of Kent
} (I'm still young at heart and **body**).


381-05    (24570 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> %grovel -a lot -to oracle
> Oh, Oracle Most Wise, whose knowledge is perfect, for if Thou
> disagreest with humanity, humanity is wrong. I grovel before Thee,
> embodiment of Wisdom, incarnation of Knowledge, Master of the Gods! If
> only
> ^C
> %ask -random
> What is the meaning of Life, the Univers and Everything?
> %

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} % yell-at-supplicant -nerd_usage
} % yell-at-supplicant -overused_question
} % yell-at-supplicant -stupid_unix_references
} % yell-at-supplicant -insincere_groveling
} % answer-question -stupid -hitchikers -randomize > /dev/supplicant
}
} You owe the Oracle an asthestically-pleasing space after your "%"
} prompt.


381-06    (14472 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and all wise Oracle, whose teeth are more blindingly white
> than those that any mortal could possibly acheive, please lend me some
> of the radiance from those teeth to illuminate this question.
>
> What is the point of that 'Look ma, I'm eating my oatmeal' commercial
> (other than to take up commercial time)...
>
> Also, what nut came up with that stupid commercial??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Friend, you have touched upon one of the deepest mysteries of the
} world.
}
} Some would say that taking up commercial time is indeed its prime
} purpose, others would say that it is the Government trying the
} brainwash the public.
}
} Only I, the Great Usenet Oracle, and now you, my humble servant, knows
} better.
}
} In 1963 the Soviet Military Intelligence Agency, GRU, smuggled an agent
} into the States. They took great care at giving her a false background
} that would withstand the closest examinations. They did this by killing
} another woman just as she moved to another state for work. The agent
} then took her name and face by plastic surgery.
}
} (The other woman had been a spy for the Soviet Civilian Intelligence
}  Agency KGB, who had planted her in 1945 as an infant. It is this sort
}  of accident that leads to the somewhat cool relation between the two
}  agencies. That is another story.)
}
} To be an effective agent she must get information back to her superiors
} in Moscow. This is usually this riskiest part of an agents job and many
} different schemes have been used. This is where the oatmeal commercials
} enter the story. This particular agent is employed in the commercial
} department of a major TV network and can manipulate the commercials
} in subtle ways to get coded messages out.
}
} This particular commercial is in fact designed to get you, the
} audience, to leave the TV set and generally _not_ watch it. Towards the
} end of the commercial is a part that varies from day to day in very
} tiny details. This is the coded message.
}
} Last year that part of GRU was fired and burned its files. There was no
} way of alerting the agent without tipping of the authorities, so for
} more than a year she has been sending messages that nobody has
} received.
}
} Enjoy your oatmeal,
} The Usenet Oracle.


381-07    (13266 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know what?  As always you were right again!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's nice to know I'm appreciated, you grovel-less swine,
} and thanks for writing back.  Now for those of you out there in
} the Oracular Congregation who don't know what we're talking
} about, I'd like to introduce Nervel the Grovel-less Swine,
} questioner #Qa23499, who once approached the Oracle on bended
} knee to ask a question, praise Gawd.  The Oracle bent down to
} touch this poor dipstick, brothers and sisters, and a MIRACLE
} happened on this very tel-uh-vision network.
}
} Now, friends, reach out and touch your computer screen, and pray
} along with me as our dear friend Nervel gives his touching
} TEStimony!
}
} Nervel:  I, um, I didn't used to get a lot of girls...
}
} Oracle:  YES!  Praise Gawd.  Go on, brother...
}
} Nervel:  [wipes nose on back of hand] And, um, and I had a real
}          problem with body odor?  And technique, and stuff?
}
} Oracle:  Did you hear that, brethren?  He had a short schlong,
}          too, didn't you brother Nerval?
}
} Nervel:  Yeah!  And I didn't know how to use it.  So I came to
}          Oracle and I groveled, and, um...
}
} Oracle:  What happened then, brother?
}
} Nervel:  And I gave him a donation and became a Lifetime Oracular
}          Outreach Partner...
}
} Oracle:  Bless God.  As you give so shall it be multiplied back
}          unto you.
}
} Nervel:  And then he answered my question.  And I stopped
}          smellin' so bad!  And I got a life!  And my schlong
}          grew and I knew how to use it!  And Lisa came to me
}          in a dream and told me what women want!  Gosh golly,
}          Oracle, you know what?  As always, you were RIGHT AGAIN!
}
} Oracle:  Hallelujah!  Honolulu!  Glory, cash and more glory, this
}          is a great day in the life of this poor, pitiful sap,
}          isn't that right friend.
}
} ```ZAP!''' [Nervel turns into a goat and is sacrified at the
}             altar].
}
} Oracle:  Too bad I don't give a shit.
}
} You owe the Oracle some of your manna cast on the waters in
} small, unmarked bills.


381-08    (43380 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose very pores ooze the Great Manna Of Life, please help
> me!
>
> IIIII have a ppppprobbbblem with my kkkkkeyboarrrrrd.  Sometimmmes,
> my kkkkkkeys gettttt stttuckkkk.  WWWWhat should I dooooooo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Whose very pores...."   I like it.
}
} Two options come to mind:  You can plug in your terminal then rinse it
} off with water (make sure you are standing in the shower with it when
} you do this);
}                            You can tell everyone you type with a
}                            stutter.
}
} Look, buddy, we *both* know why you have a sticky keyboard, don't we?
} Let's not pretend you've been a good boy.  Wash the damn thing with
} soapy water and try to practice "safe masturbation" in the future.
} Rubbers aren't just for those who can actually get dates, you know.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bologna sandwich.


381-09    (01674 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Omnipotent Oracle, strangest sage:
>
> Why is your email box @iuvax.cs.indiana.edu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, my son, it has to with the black art of Internet addresses.
}
} In a nutshell, each word to the right of that "@" sign is a "domain",
} and as you travel to the right the domains get larger and more
} encompassing; a domain is either a single computer (at the rightmost
} extreme) or a whole group of computers (each group getting larger as
} you move to the right).
}
} Now then, let's look at the domains that define my emailbox, from most
} generic to most specific (i.e., from right to left):
}
} .edu: "edu" is an abbreviation for "Eduardo's", which is a very popular
}       pizza parlor in these parts. (Everybody knows that the Usenet
}       Oracle and many other Illumina.. er, intellects practically live
}       on pizza.) Other domains which are common in this position are
}       "com" for the domain of Communist infiltrators, "mil" for the
}       domain of Milk-Bone eaters, and "gov" for "Guests Of Vanilla
}       (Ice)" although why anyone would want to be one of these latter
}       is completely beyond me.
}
} .indiana: A lot of people think that this "indiana" refers to the
}           state. Some of the more learned computer types think that it
}           refers to the university. They're all wrong. It refers to
}           that special breed of man who is handsome, rugged,
}           adventurous, and a damn good archaeologist.
}
} .cs:  Betcha thought this was "Computer Science" right? Wrong again,
}         dude-breath. Here "cs" means "CognoScenti".
}
} .iuvax:       This is a misspelling which has become common usage. It
}       should actually be "iouvax", as it is a computer which is
}       associated with unusually high lab fees. However, since it also
}       happens to be my girlfriend Lisa's Nintendo game, I get to use it
}       for free.
}
} SO, putting this all together, my emailbox describes someone who uses
} Lisa's computer, is a really, REALLY ingenious and influential
} archaeologist who likes to flourish his, er, whip, beat up Nazis and
} eat Eduardo's pizza. Namely ME.
}
} You owe the Oracle three Usenet postage stamps.


381-10    (15552 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh powerful oracle, seeer of all that is to be seen, hearer of all that
> is to be heard, smeller of all that is to be smelled, and washer of all
> that is to be washed, I ask you lend me your ear and answer this for
> me:
>
> Who do you turn to when you are perplexed by a problem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has pondered your question at length, and is pleased to be
} of help to those who seek proof of the Oracle's great wisdom.
}
} There is only one being to which the Oracle need ever turn.  It is a
} fantastic being, all-knowing, all-seeing, and an interminable source
} of ready advice on all things.
}
} Whenever the Oracle is unable to answer a question or is perplexed by
} any problem, it is to this great being that the Oracle turns.
}
} You will cower in fear and veneration when you speak the name of the
} Omniscient One: the columnist known as Ann Landers.
}
} You owe the Oracle a grain of salt and a Dear Abby kewpie doll.


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