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Internet Oracularities #382

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382, 382-01, 382-02, 382-03, 382-04, 382-05, 382-06, 382-07, 382-08, 382-09, 382-10


Usenet Oracularities #382    (10 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Thu, 5 Dec 1991 12:12:00 -0500

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   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   382
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

382   10 votes 17011 13033 02422 14230 40321 21511 15301 04411 06121 16201
382   2.8 mean  2.4   3.4   3.4   2.7   2.6   2.8   2.5   2.9   2.8   2.4


382-01    (17011 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                      __
>                                     / /
>             _                      / /
>           _---_           ____    / /_____
>         \__ O                 |  / /|
>            /\__-(---          |_/ /_|
>           /       Oracle Most  / /
>          / \      Wise, Help!          _---_    Walk the plank, ye
>         /  /         A                   O __/  land-lubbing dog!
>         _   ---)-__/G\__-(---   _ ---)-__/\
>       _---_        /          _---_        \
>     \__ O         / \           O __/     / \
>        /\__-(--- / _/    ---)-__/\        \  \
>       /          _---_            \
>      / \           O  |          / \
>     /  /          /|\ |          \  \
>                  ( | \u
>                    |
>                   / \_  Aye, me maties,
>                  /   |  a new playmate
>                         for Davie he be!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid there's no help for you, your artistic abilities have
} reached their top, and you will never be able to produce any
} understandable ASCII-graphics. I propose you conform to the
} neo-non-figurative-surrealistipre-modern school.
}
} You owe the oracle the original Mona Lisa in ASCII-format.
} (Nah! better not.)


382-02    (13033 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest oracle on earth (or even not on earth, for that matter),
> I've heard that if you have a philosophy exam with the single question
> "Why?", that you should answer it with "Because!".
>
> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Because.
}
} On account of. Owing to. Or due to. The reason that. Philosophy
} searches for universals and. Because "because." is a universal  answer
} as much as "why?" is a universal question.
}
} The oracle condescends to elaborate on this, and explain why "because."
} is an answer to any inquirer, by giving examples.
}
} 1. To the linguistic philosopher , "why?" means "why is ""because."" an
} answer to ""why?"" ?" and hence the reply "because." merely means
} "because ""why?"" is a question for ""because."" ." .
}
} 2. To the formal logician, the answer to "why?" is "because." because
} if "why?" is replaced by the profounder "why???", "because." can
} correspondingly be replaced by the profounder "because..." .
}
} 3. To the epistemologist, the question signifies "why do you think you
} know you are ?" , to which the epistemologist has the apposite answer
} "because.", which means "I speak ""because."", therefore."
}
} 4. For the oriental philosopher: The word "because." in Tibetan means
} "why ""why?"" ?".
}
} 5. To the first year graduate student of philosophy, the question,
} coming from the professor, means "why are you going to answer this with
} ""because."" ?", the student's reply being "because only then can I
} hope to become a prof and ask my students ""why?"" ." .
}
} 6. To the professor, the question signifies a query of the student :
} "why must I write this shit to pass?". The professor's answer is :
} "Because."


382-03    (02422 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, o mighty Oracle, Sage of the Age, Paragon of Knowledge, Acme
> of Intellect, why are films still dated with Roman numerals.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have inadvertently stumbled over one of the greatest secrets of all
} time. Many people have long suspected that there is some sort of
} conspiracy controlling the media, and this is indeed the case.
} However, it is not the communists or the moonies or Intel that is doing
} the controlling, as is usually suspected, but rather Julius Caesar.
} Yes, the Roman emperor.
}
} Back then, as you probably know, the emperor was considered practically
} a god, and as such was expected to live forever.  Human belief is a
} powerful thing, and occasionally if enough people believe something it
} does become true.  Hence Julius became one of mankind's few immortals.
} However, the catch is that he would continue to live only so long as
} people knew about him, and the best way to keep someone in the public
} eye is through careful manipulation of the media.
}
} Even in his own time he was aware of the power of images to manipulate
} belief.  In fact his famous quote 'Vini, vidi, vici' (I came, I saw, I
} conquered) was in fact 'Vini, vidi, video' (I came, I saw, I made a
} mini-series).
}
} He ensured he would be talked about for ages to come by staging a
} particularly interesting murder for himself (pretending to be dead also
} gave him more time to work on his plans).  Centuries later he got
} Shakespeare to write a play about him, and the revised interest in his
} life gave him a new burst of energy.  He also had a salad named for him
} about the same time, ensuring that diners for centuries to come would
} have him in mind as they ate.
}
} Ever since then he has been more subtle, but the availability of mass
} media now means he can reach millions of people almost instantly.
} Consider the popularity of "Animal House" and it's famous toga party.
} In one brilliant move Caesar had uncounted frat boys thinking Roman.
} And today he almost completely runs the fox network, as can be seen by
} the fact that the letters in "Charlie Hoover" and "The Simpsons" can be
} rearranged to spell "Caesar is honor. Limp. Shov."  This apparently
} cryptic message means that Caesar, who considers himself the source of
} all honor, is feeling weak and limp because people are not thinking
} about him often enough.  Therefore, the media must shove his image down
} our throats with increased effort.
}
} Despite Caesar's multi-billion dollar media empire he never quite
} grasped modern mathematics, hence his insistence that all movies and TV
} shows be stamped with numbers he could understand.
}
} You owe the Oracle all thirteen episodes of "I, Claudius."


382-04    (14230 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and charismatic Oracle who understands even what Jesse
> Jackson was thinking when he decided to run for President a SECOND
> time, please answer my humble questions, the answers to which I have
> labored for in vain.
>
> As I sat here pondering the mysteries of the Universe as laid out in
> the Usenet Oracularities Digest, a terror-inspiring thought occurred to
> me. You have not recently answered any supplicant's idiotic question
> about Twinkies(tm)!  Is their some cosmic signifigance to this
> prolonged silence on the subject?  What are the implications of a
> Twinkie(tm)-less Universe?
>
> Thank you for answering my questions, and for putting my mind at ease.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear and the migrane was almost gone. . .
}
} The only cosmic significance is that the newer generations of
} supplicants were brought up by parents who didn't cram said material
} down the throats of their children every day for twelve years.
}
} This has resulted in a new crop of humans with minds containing more
} than digested Hostess food-products.  Don't feel lonely though -
} spelling is still a problem.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Cornish pasty.


382-05    (40321 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So tell me, O peachy-keen Oracle...
>
> What's the point?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question is not what the point is, but where, my dear Lisa.  The
} answer will be found betwixt your thighs, and--ah!  I see you got the
} point.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good ride.


382-06    (21511 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty oracle, who's BO is better than *any* aftershave.....
>
> I know you must be asked this question twenty odd times a second, but I
> seemed to have missed seeing any decent answers in the Oracularities:
>
> WHAT IS THE MEANING OF (MY) LIFE ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The meaning of your life is to grovel before me, sniff my BO, and
} kiss Oracular hiney whenever called upon.  You are to do so
} thankfully and with nary a thought toward compensation.
}
} In the event, however, that you should seek *MORE* from
} existence, you may consider the following as worthy and
} meaningful goals:
}
} 1.  (if you're a man) Make sure she comes twice before you even
} THINK about yourself, you pig.  (if you're a woman) Don't start
} unless you plan to finish, and watch those teeth!
}
} 2.  Vote in all elections, if for no other reason than to prevent
} David Duke from running the country.
}
} 3.  Keep a bottle of Scope in your desk drawer and use it from
} time to time.
}
} 4.  Remember that there is nothing miraculous about your car
} windows that makes you invisible to other drivers when you go
} digging for gold.  The driver in the next lane is more
} appreciative of your cooperation that you will ever know.
}
} 5.  Contrary to Monty Python's Meaning of Life, every sperm is
} NOT sacred.  Wrap that rascal.
}
} 6.  When someone asks "How's it goin?" resist the urge to answer
} "It's goin."
}
} 7.  When you ask her out, plan the evening.  Don't just show up
} at her house and say "Where do you want to go?"
}
} 8.  No means no.
}
} 9.  If the answer is yes, refer to numbers 1, 3 and 7.
}
} 10.  Never hit something smaller than yourself to teach it not to
} hit.
}
} Other than these ten, may I also suggest Bill and Ted's maxim "Be
} Excellent to Each Other," which is sound advice.  Work for
} legalization, love your fellow man, change your underwear and buy
} new skivvies when the elastic goes.  I, the Oracle, also keep a
} little note tacked to my mirror to remind me to donate money to
} worthy causes, wax my surfboard, and never, NEVER forget Lisa's
} clitoris.
}
} It's a good life!  Now go, live it in peace.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Desiderata."


382-07    (15301 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                      ___________
>                    /  _________  \               O  O
>                  /   /          \  \            /  /
>                 |    \_______    |  |          / /
>                  \______________/  /          //
>    _______________---------------/___________/              ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While the Oracle appreciates this offer of desert  this Thanksgiving
} week, I must decline.  I decided on a third helping of curried
} ambrosia instead of desert.  I couldn't possibly eat another bite.
}
} You owe the Oracle and after-dinner mint that is Wahfeer-Theen.


382-08    (04411 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me, Great Oracle!  I am completely out of control!!!
>
> Let me explain.  I have some sort of compulsion to do computer
> science.  It's as if my brain has a mind of its own!  I'm not content
> unless I'm learning metaobject protocols or writing GNU software!  I'm
> doing this all the time!  I have no control over it!
>
> My question, Oh Oracle, is thus: is this necessarily bad?  I mean,
> when I graduate from college in a year, I'll be making more money than
> I know what to do with, and I'll be golfing by the time I'm 30!  On
> the other hand, I'm exhausted.  Should I seek professional help?  Or
> should I shut up and be happy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me answer your question with a little parable. Imagine that
} somewhere, far, far away in the misty realms of Iuvax, there is a
} Programmer. He (or she - #include <stddisclaimer.h>) spends all his
} time writing beautiful code, dating beautiful women, waving a beautiful
} gold AmEx card at beautiful waitresses while eating the remains of
} beautiful pizzas. He has not a care in the world (apart from that bug
} in the GNU ++c++ compiler Rich Stallman asked him to write). But, we
} have to ask ourselves. Is he happy?
}
} Of course he's bloody happy.
}
} On the other hand, the Oracle doesn't necessarily want any competition
} in the field of superprogrammerdom. Stick to menial tasks, like
} Accountancy.
}
} On the third hand, the Oracle must seek to enlighten all who request
} knowledge in a suitably respectful fashion. Since you already show
} signs of Grade One Enlightenment, the Oracle recommends that you carry
} straight on into Computer Science with no regrets, but it might be a
} good idea to avoid golfing for as long as possible.
}
} You owe the Oracle one gold AmEx card.


382-09    (06121 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Lisa,
>
> A few days ago I ask the Oracle a question and he didn't give me a
> decent response.  Would you make sure that he doesn't "get any" until I
> get an answer to my question?
>
>                                             Sincerely,
>
>                                             Your Humble Servant
>
> P.S. The Oracle, being the Oracle, should know what my question was.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "What's that?  Orrie!  Stop it!  You're tickling me...  You want
} me to um, ooh!  You want me to make sure the Oracle doesn't "get
} any" because of what?
}
} "Orrie!  You've never nibbled me there before and, oh!
}
} "You said you want me to make sure he answers what?  Stop!
} Don't!  Stop!  Don't stop!
}
} "Listen, whoever you are, why don't you leave another message?
} The Oracle and I are, um. . ."  [shrieks with laughter]
}
} "We're busy right now, and. . ."
}
} {CENSORED}
}
} We return you to the regularly scheduled program "Southern
} Exposure," now in progress.
}
} Address your Oracle questions (in black or blue-black ink on
} white writing paper) to The Usenet Oracle in care of oracle@
} iuvax.cs.indiana.edu and maybe, just MAYBE, we'll get back to
} you.  "Stop it!  You're tickling me!"


382-10    (16201 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle wisest of pseudo-beings, who knows the meaning of all
> strange things which human mortals are unable to grasp.
>
> When i receive a reply from you, it is preceded by a heading and a few
> lines after the heading "X-FACE", and a note that it can be viewed by
> "faces" , and something about "from the iuvax archives today". What is
> the meaning of these lines ??
>
> Your most humble servant (except for Lisa..).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The IUVAX archives is actually a euphemism for the Oracle's own
} personal mausoleum and museum, where he keeps the perserved
} bodies of supplicants who refuse to grove, people who ask stupid
} questions, and others who have lost their privilege to continue a
} mortal existence.
}
} "Faces" is but one of many fascinating displays at the archives.
} Visitors are also enchanted by "Kneecaps," a display of New York
} mafia-style thuggery from the 'thirties and 'forties, "Butts," a
} veritable styotopegic extravaganza, and "Naughty Bits," a
} Monty-Pythonesque retrospective of particularly toothsome
} genitalia.
}
} Were you actually to DECODE the x-face message, you would receive
} the following wisdom:
}
} Don't forget to grovel you stupid pig of a mortal.  The Oracle's
} a BADD mutha, and he's got no patience for skinny-ass-wimps like
} you.  You may think you're groovy with your 64 mb, internal fax
} modem, 68882 math coprocessor, and HoloMouse, but you can't get
} dates or you wouldn't be begging the Oracle for so much of his
} immortal time.  So GET A LIFE for God's sake!  Move out of your
} parents' basement!  And don't forget to kiss Oracular butt at
} every opportunity.
}
} You owe the Oracle a full reading of your computer software
} manuals.


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