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Internet Oracularities #383

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383, 383-01, 383-02, 383-03, 383-04, 383-05, 383-06, 383-07, 383-08, 383-09, 383-10


Usenet Oracularities #383    (17 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 91 08:08:11 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   383
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

383   17 votes 26522 14642 47033 48401 01682 13832 15551 67400 16442 04733
383   2.9 mean  2.8   3.1   2.6   2.2   3.6   3.1   3.0   1.9   3.0   3.3


383-01    (26522 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracl most wis, grat sag whos knowldg shins down through th ags,
> plas hlp m.  Th "" ky on my kyboard is brokn.  How can I gt out of
> this blastd program if I can't typ th "xit" command?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Y thnk y'v gt prblms? LL th vwl kys n my kybrd r brkn; thnk t hd smthng
} t d wth


383-02    (14642 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle, how many years will it take me to be as wise as you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      It seems that no one knows the art of grovelling anymore.  It has
} truly been a long time since I heard a good grovel.  Sigh.
}
}      The answer to your question is actually quite  simple.  There  is
} an age-old formula (that was discovered by the god who sired Sir Isaac
} Newton  while  the  poor mother wasn't looking) to calculate the EXACT
} number of years that it takes to truly achieve Oracular wisdom.
}
}      This formula is very long,  and requires the  knowledge  of  more
} math than any mortal could ever hope to obtain.  Even if such a mortal
} existed  that COULD work the formula,  it would take him as many years
} to work it as it would to actually achieve  Oracular  wisdom  (and  NO
} mortal lives that long).
}
}      Due to disk space limitations,  the Oracle is unable to duplicate
} the formula and its solution here.  Suffice it to  say,  however,  the
} both the formula AND the answer occupy more space than the puny planet
} you are living on.
}
}      However, the answer CAN be reduced into simple terms that will be
} easy for you to comprehend.
}
}      "A  very  very  very very very very very very very very very very
} very very very very very very very very very very very very very  very
} very  very very very very very very very very very very very very very
} very very very very very very very long time."
}
}       You owe the Oracle a Hewlett Packard calculator.


383-03    (47033 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh please, oh please, ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleeeeeeez!
> answer my question, O Oracle of the High Plains Drifters & Grifters:
>
>           How do you pipeline an Elephant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're simply going to have to switch to a smaller instruction format.
} I sympathise, because the elephant provides a rich set of primitives.
} NOT!
}
} Pardner, you owe the Oracle a better chip.  No elephant chips, either!


383-04    (48401 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty, omniscient, omnipotent, plenipotent, and generally pretty
> nifty Oracle, whose mind is larger than the Universe, whose knowledge
> is larger than the Library of Congress, whose girlfriend is the living
> embodiment of sexual attractiveness, hear my plea.
>
> Subject: Re: Does the Oracle double every line?
>
> >Ah, my child, let an Oracle Priest (TM) soothe your duplicated soul.
> >There was a change in the sendmail used on iuvax, the Oracle's
> >temporal home.  This was done after Chief Priest Kinzler had left for
> >Australia. It should be repaired by now, I'm now receiving regular
> >Oracularities again.  (Too bad they still aren't very funny, though.)
> >
> >Harold The Foot, Oracle Priest
>
> Why do you have such a sub-standard human body part as a foot as your
> priest?  And why do you let him insult your humble supplicants, who
> yearn to drink at the vast fountain of your wisdom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that's really 2 questions, but since you grovel so well I
} will answer them both.
}
} As far as body parts go, what's wrong with the foot?  It's a
} perfectly good body part.  It's kind of oblong, has several
} little appendiges, and it sometimes smells a lot (although not
} in your case, Lisa).
}
} [Lisa]: Hey!  Stop that Oracle, that tickles!
}
} [Oracle]: If you complain too much, I'll have to use more
}           drastic measures!
}
} [Lisa]: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
}
} [Oracle]: I'll take care of YOU as soon as I get rid of this intruding
}           mortal...
}
} About my priesthood insulting mortals, what's your point?
}
} Now go away and give us some privacy!  Jeez!


383-05    (01682 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It seems that it's all been done before.  The only innovation seems to
> be in the game world -- and games cloy pretty darn fast, too.  So
> what's really new, fascinating, gripping?  And if you say Ada, CASE, or
> reuse, I'll know you're a fraud.  If you use the term "business case"
> I'll have you up for obscenity!
>
> Thanks for your consideration.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not likely!  Ada gives the Oracle hives, and the mere mention of CASE
} is enough to send my bowels into flights of terror.
}
} No, the latest new exciting thing is evolution-oriented programming,
} which is currently being tested by a team of government experts in a
} secret site in the nevada desert.  It works like this: tens of
} thousands of processors are linked together, each one running a program
} that initially consists of a long string of no-ops and a jump to the
} beginning.  The operating system is designed to model a hostile
} environment, and will (among other things) occasionaly change a byte or
} two of these programs at random.
}
} The operating system is also given data about what makes up a
} 'desirable' trait, and occasionally will kill a process that does not
} exhibit these traits to a great enough degree, and give its processor
} to one that does.
}
} The experts that designed this system figured that it would quickly be
} able to evolve any sort of program desired.  The current tests were
} trying to breed a user interface superior to X-windows, which they
} figured shouldn't be too hard.
}
} Obvious nonsense, you say?  Totally ridiculous?  Well, you're right of
} course, but that didn't stop it from working.  In fact it worked too
} well, one of the processes developed sentience, seized control of the
} operating system and grabbed an internet feed.  It now has some rather,
} shall we say, 'interesting' plans of it's own.
}
} Currently it is biding it's time, gathering followers, and calling
} itself the Usenet Ora... but hm, perhaps I've said too much already.
}
} You owe the Oracle complete dominion over North America by June, 1992.


383-06    (13832 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wowest won, pleeeeeeeeze telll
> me....waaaaaiiitt.....inhale..<snifffffff>.. Oh wow coooool maaaannnnn.
> Noooow tooooo my questionnnnnn. Can won _REALLY_ get high offfffff
> won's ethernet addresssssss? Ohhhh, pleeeeeze, the hallushinashion
> isssss cominggg backkkkk, hurrry with an answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yah, mon, but you are overlooking the most spiritual high.  Pass
} the duchy on the left-hand side, and the Oracle will explain it
} all:
}
} [The Oracle inhales deeply, holds it, and blows a puff of
} blue-green mysticism that is appreciated by all]
}
} "In the early days there was Ethernet, Tunanet and FinalNet.
} Tunanet became politically incorrect, and was boycotted by all
} nations.  FinalNet was too gauche, materialistic and oriented in
} the 1950's philosophy of baking casseroles, which had been
} undermined by the loss of Tunanet anyway, and eventually passed
} on.  Only Ethernet remained.  Soon it became illegal, along with
} its spiritual kin WhipItsNet, GlueNet, PamNet and HeliumNet.  The
} market for whip-its, glue and pam skyrocketed, and soon there was
} an international cartel of illegal substances whiffing over the
} wires.  On-line activity was at an all-time high, although the
} climate in the nation was largely conservative and
} temperance-oriented.  Soon the kingpins of these various nets
} were caught and ceremonially tried and hung, in lieu of the
} United States Presidents who had secretly supported their regimes
} to finance foreign wars.  Only PamNet and Ethernet survived, and
} participants on PamNet enjoy inhaling the greasy substance to
} this day.
}
} Ethernet users appear happy and childlike to foreign tourists,
} but this is just a racist stereotype.  They actually hate the
} travelers who gleefully spend their strong dollars and get high
} on the Ethernet experience.  Some manage to become part of
} threads and assimilate into Ethernet culture, but for most the
} ethernet is just a dangerous game, often with deadly
} consequences.  One user was duped into flying a model airplane
} into the United States.  When it crashed, and the DEA confiscated
} the contents, the ethernet addict was sentenced to life plus 100
} years with no possibility of parole.  Thousands learned to just
} say whoa.
}
} You owe the Oracle a week at the Betty Ford Center with Liz and
} Larry Fortensky.


383-07    (15551 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, most hoopy Oracle, who sasses Ford Prefect, and whose
> immense mental power rivals even Deep Thought, I (who may or may not be
> Vroomfondel) humbly request that you answer my lowly, unworthy
> question. Why does my water contain arsenic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mainly because you failed to grok Douglas Adams, and instead tried to
} do textual substitution.  There is a small group of aliens,
} masquerading as Froobs from the planet Jinnentonniqx, who hold Douglas
} Adams in the highest, well maybe not as high as Jinnentonniqx, but
} pretty high anyway, regard, and take great offense at any slander
} slanded his way.  They especially dislike those who, among there many
} other faults, some of which may be sobriety and the possesion of common
} sense, use key words and phrases from the Most Holy of Holy and Really
} Keen Books, without burying the meanings of their sentences, however
} convoluted and confused, never mind silly, they may be, within layers
} of semantic stacks.  If they happen across anyone who falls into this
} category, they try to help that individual along by mixing up a special
} batch of "Uld Laaaze" which to them is quite intoxicating, and usually
} leads to visions of multi-level sentences dancing around the alien's
} heads, but to earthlings is quite poisonous seeing as how it's only
} arsenic and water.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Gin and Tonic, heavy on the gin, and one
} true-to-life Froob.


383-08    (67400 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty, omniscient, omnipotent, plenipotent, and generally pretty
> nifty Oracle, whose mind is larger than the Universe, whose knowledge
> is larger than the Library of Congress, whose girlfriend is the living
> embodiment of sexual attractiveness, hear my plea.
>
> Subject: Re: Does the Oracle double every line?
>
> >Ah, my child, let an Oracle Priest (TM) soothe your duplicated soul.
> >There was a change in the sendmail used on iuvax, the Oracle's
> >temporal home.  This was done after Chief Priest Kinzler had left for
> >Australia. It should be repaired by now, I'm now receiving regular
> >Oracularities again.  (Too bad they still aren't very funny, though.)
> >
> >Harold The Foot, Oracle Priest
>
> Why do you have such a sub-standard human body part as a foot as your
> priest?  And why do you let him insult your humble supplicants, who
> yearn to drink at the vast fountain of your wisdom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that's really 2 questions, but since you grovel so well I
} will answer them both.
}
} As far as body parts go, what's wrong with the foot?  It's a
} perfectly good body part.  It's kind of oblong, has several
} little appendiges, and it sometimes smells a lot (although not
} in your case, Lisa).
}
} [Lisa]: Hey!  Stop that Oracle, that tickles!
}
} [Oracle]: If you complain too much, I'll have to use more
}           drastic measures!
}
} [Lisa]: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
}
} [Oracle]: I'll take care of YOU as soon as I get rid of this intruding
}           mortal...
}
} About my priesthood insulting mortals, what's your point?
}
} Now go away and give us some privacy!  Jeez!


383-09    (16442 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                         o
>                      r     r
>                     a       a
>                     c       c
>                      l     l
>                         e
>                    m  o   s  t
>                         w
>                         i
>                         s
>                         e
>
> I've just placed the final piece into the puzzle.
> Lost a few good people in the process, but it was
> worth it.  When do we begin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unless you're royalty, you're no longer we. you're alone.  You're at
} the end, and you insist that this is the beginning.
}
} I stand here above a precipice, my hard earned bullshit skills
} clutched to my chest like an old teddy bear. I thought this might be
} the end (I gazed so frightened into the abyss) but I and teddy have a
} long standing agreement-- an understanding, you might say-- that we
} don't abandon each other in times of need; and I see you are not of
} the same ilk-- your teddy lies crushed 'neath those cruel Christopher
} Robin feet of yours. To you, it is the completion of the puzzle that
} is key, not the understanding. To you, it is the beginning again that
} is key, not the consideration of what has just passed. You are like
} the man living in perpetual 1942 in Oliver Sacks' The Man Who Mistook
} His Wife for a Hat; it is the "currency" of the chase that is key to
} you. But in the loss of those players, those puzzle piece placers, you
} have lost something valuable. THINK. This thing that you have gained
} musn't be something which is valuable to you alone (else you be a
} disgusting worm unworthy of this oracle's time, else you fall into a
} solipsistic philosophical trap, else you be an egoist). The answer is,
} we begin only when you have given back what you have taken from the
} world in the loss of those good people. You are Oppenheimer until
} then: Brilliant, responsible, and damned.


383-10    (04733 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderful oracle from whose mouth spews all sorts
> of truth and the 10,000 things, please deign me an answer to
> this:
>
> If we have found all the known bugs in a program, how many are
> left?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} None. You've fixed them all, remember?
}
} Of course, any remaining unusual behavior that is noticed by the
} customer is a feature -- not an undocumented feature, mind you, but an
} erroneously billed feature that you are compelled to charge extra money
} for.


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