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22 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:41:33 GMT

Internet Oracularities #384

Goto:
384, 384-01, 384-02, 384-03, 384-04, 384-05, 384-06, 384-07, 384-08, 384-09, 384-10


Usenet Oracularities #384    (19 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Sun, 15 Dec 91 14:02:21 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   384
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

384   19 votes 56341 06661 03673 15913 33751 24733 21853 31672 38620 66520
384   2.9 mean  2.5   3.1   3.5   3.0   2.9   3.1   3.3   3.2   2.4   2.2


384-01    (56341 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Please send me this article : G. L. Steele, ``Lambda : the ultimate
> goto''.
>
> Thank you,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Article Club Member,
}
} I'd like to bring an exciting home-study program to your attention.
}
} It's Hacker's Digest School, and it has helped thousand of hackers
} break into systems.  Their method makes a lot of sense to somebody.
} You learn the craft of hacking directly from a seasoned
} professional...a pro who has enough knowledge and experience in the
} field to have earned several years of vacation at a Federal 'resort.'
}
} When you enroll, you'll choose between the Mainframe and Network
} courses. You'll learn the techniques the pros use in their hacking.
} And you'll learn by doing.  Each section of the course contains
} assignments, which your instructor will review and return with detailed
} comments and suggestions for passwords.
}
} Enroll today and you'll save 10% off the regular tuition.  Just
} complete the enclosed form and send a check or the pass sequence of a
} major financial institution's computer to:  Hacker's Digest School,
} 150D(Hex) Bitnerd Road, Clustersnot, Minnebraska 10110-1001
}
} Act today!
}
} Sincerely,
}
} Snert Farkle
} Club Director


384-02    (06661 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that men think that it is cool and sexy to abstain from
> showering for long periods of time?  Is there anyway to politely
> encourage an entire campus to shower?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it is a very cool and sexy thing!  It's wonderful!  It's magic!
} And it works!  The very scent of an unshowered man has brought many to
} new heights of passion and ecstasy; some orgasms have registered on the
} Richter scale.
}
} Many cows, that is.  Human women don't seem to like the odor, but cows
} just go nuts over it.  Hence the phrase, "Cowboys make better lovers."
} Ask any cow, she'll tell you about it.
}
} There is no polite way to encourage an entire campus to do anything at
} all. In fact, it is not considered Politically Correct to suggest that
} someone bathe, read, stop fondling himself, get off your foot, or even
} breathe. You might offend one of the Teeming Billions of this planet if
} you imply that someone is a loser regardless of race, color, creed, or
} planet of origin.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bar of Dove.


384-03    (03673 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh oracle the wonderful, great and all knowing entity.
> to whom only you could answer this simple but most complexing question.
>
>  Black represents EVIL, yet the most GOOD people on the insignificant
> planet (the priests and nuns) ware Black? the symbol of EVIL???
>
>  Please enlighten me......
>
> I humbly Thank you for wasiting you most pressious time on me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are confused.  Black does not represent evil.  Black represents
} anxiety.  Sen. Jesse Helms represents evil.


384-04    (15913 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise;
> Oracle, most sexy;
> Oracle, most anything;
>
> Grant me a gem of thy wisdom, insufferable Oracle, who's greatness is
> beyond mere mortal understanding (or, even, mortal undersitting); who's
> sense of humour is so unimpeachable that you didn't find that pun (in
> brackets) funny:
>
> How can I find myself? (My spiritual self, that is. I can find my
> physical self as easily as I can find a mirror).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you can't find your physical self without a mirror, you are in
} deeper doody than you believe, mein amigo!
}
} Your spiritual self is separate from your physical self; it is also the
} opposite of your physical self.  Whereas your physical self requires
} food, feels pain, grows hair, and watches television, your spiritual
} self doesn't eat, doesn't hurt, and is bald as a cue ball.  (It watches
} television, but it tuned to PBS and ripped off the knob.)
}
} In fact, while your physical self is a party animal, yelling,
} screaming, drinking, fornicating, farting, and playing cute pranks,
} your spiritual self is quiet, proper, controlled, and thinks canasta is
} a wild game.
}
} That's right:  your spiritual self is a Republican.  I suggest you call
} Lonesome George for details.
}
} You owe the Oracle five minutes alone with your physical self.


384-05    (33751 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is humor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humor is that which leads to unexpected cognitive resonance.
}
} You owe the Oracle an honest Republican.


384-06    (24733 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise oracle, whose wisdom transcends the known universe,
> please deign to give me a moment of your time to answer my humble
> question:
>
> Is everything all right?  Is the priesthood rebelling?  What is going
> on? #383 of the Oracularities was posted twice, and both times 383-04
> and 383-08 were exactly the same!  Is the world coming to an end?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is indeed a good question. However, I am disturbed by your lack of
} faith.
}
} There is a mystic meaning to everything. A car can be interpreted
} according to the Tarot, bank staements finally mean something when
} related to numerology, computer screens can be used as crystal balls
} for scrying...
}
} Repititions are magical keys. Repititions are magical keys. They
} indicate something of profound importance. By repeating 383-04 in
} 383-08, we were asking you to interpret my answer beyond the initial
} meaning of the text. LOOK AT THE NUMBERS -do they not speak to you?
} Some of you didn't get it, so we sent #383 again. Fools. A few
} englightened souls wrote to me and thanked me for my wisdom, groveling
} before my omniscient self. You, on the other hand, chose not to see and
} deserve to be struck with a large sausage. Twice.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pilgrimage.
}
} [Editor's note:  Mail troubles at iuvax caused the repetition of the
} posting, however if you'll read 383-04 and 383-08 you'll that it's quite
} funny in context...  since the question is about repeating lines in an
} Oracularity.  I wish I did it on purpose... --JRP ]


384-07    (21853 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh cute and fuzzy Oracle, whose TONGUE I am unworthy to SEE, tell me:
>
> Are you flammable?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If I wasn't the all knowing, grand and wise Oracle, I would think they
} you were up to something.  Questions like that could make a Oracle very
} suspicious.  Since you asked this question I will have to put my
} Omniscient skills to a test.  It is very likely that you and some of
} your rowdy cohorts are planning are revolt against me, the most
} powerful all knowing being in the universe (except for the big guy of
} course).
}
} <screen wavers>
}
} Oracle:  (to his secretary) Listen, I want that guys email address,
}          home phone, work phone, fax number, modem number, terminal
}          type, girlfriends name, girlfriends number, girlfriends fax
}          number, wife's name, wife's number, wife's fax number, dog's
}          name, dog's number, dog's fax number, and any other info you
}          can dig up for me.
}
} Secretary:  Yes sir!
}
} Oracle:  (picks up phone)  I would like to speak to OBI, Oracle Bureau
}          of Investigations.  Thanks...(brief pause)...Yes, I would like
}          to inform you of another possible revolt against myself, the
}          all knowing Oracle.  I know its the third one today, but this
}          guy sounds really serious. Right, He wanted to know If I was
}          flammable.  Yes this is serious.  Your best men?  Thanks.  I
}          appreciate this.  I want you to apprehend him and bring him to
}          me.  Be sure to take away all forms of fire starting devices.
}          Use the appropriate force.  (Oracle hangs up phone... and
}          displays a worried look)
}
} Oracle:  (picks up phone again)  OFD please.  Yes, is this the Oracle
}          Fire Department.  Good...this is the Oracle.  I want your
}          newest and most efficient trucks and men on stand by.  Thanks.
}
} Oracle:  Lisa....come here sweetie pie!
}
} Lisa:    Yes...orie...my studmuffin?  Do you want another one...are you
}          not still tired after last night?
}
} Oracle:  No...I don't want to do that right now...maybe later... There
}          is another revolt in the planning.  I wanted to inform you.  I
}          thought you might want to know.
}
} Lisa:    Then we had better do something before it happens.  I'll go
}          get our toys.
}
} Oracle:  Sounds good.  (Lisa leaves)  (oracle smiles)  Lisa does know
}          how to handle a crisis.
}
} (screen wavers)
}
} I am all knowing, all seeing, and I know the plans that you have to
} assassinate me.  I will be ready when you try and I will punish those
} that revolt against me.
}
} But to answer your question:  No.


384-08    (31672 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, Wonder of the ages, Sagest of all spices, You whose
> brilliant wisdom outshines novae, Adored by all Lisa-wanna-be's, hear
> my plea.  Why do quick marts which are open 24 hours a day, 366 days
> a year have locks on their doors?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's required by the Nuclear (Nukeyoular, for you Midwesterners)
} Regulatory Commision.
}
} You see, there have been microwave burrito accidents.  Yes, the rumors
} are true.  The goop inside the burrito is actually a dormant life form.
}
} Under certain conditions involving radiation and electromagnetism,
} these life forms become active and rapidly multiply.  The NRC decided
} that, in the event that this occurs, it should be locked in the store
} and allowed to eat whatever it wants (including customers) until the
} Slurpee truck arrives.  (Slurpees cause the life to go dormant again,
} which is why the clerk recommends that you buy one with the burrito.)
}
} The clerk's job is to lock the door.  I know that we'd rather have the
} customers lock the clerk in, but the NRC found that the clerk is
} *always* the first to the door on account of the coffee-ground
} sandwiches he eats to stay awake all night.


384-09    (38620 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh bottomless pit of wisdom, oh pitiless and brilliant oracle, what
> should I get my unrequited love for his twenty first birthday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If your love isn't being returned, don't bother.
}
} Concise Oxford Dictionary, 8th Ed., Copyright 1991 Oxford Univ. Press
}
} /requite/ <<rI"kwaIt>> v.tr.
} 1. make return for (a service).
} 2. (often foll. by "with") reward or avenge (a favour or injury).
} 3. (often foll. by "for") make return to (a person).
} 4. (often foll. by "for", "with") repay with good or evil ("requite
}    like for like"; "requite hate with love").
}
} /requital/ n.
}
} /re-/ + quite var. of /quit/
}
} /unrequited/ <<%VnrI"kwaItId>> adj. (of love etc.) not returned.
}
} /unrequitedly/ adv. /unrequitedness/ n.{-ly, -ness new from OED and
} Nexis Nov88}
}
} You owe the Oracle a reading of the Oxford English Dictionary.


384-10    (66520 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> rm -rf oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey!  That's not very nice!
} -] rm -rf querant
} Besides, you didn't grovel very well at all.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new subdirectory.


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