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Internet Oracularities #385

Goto:
385, 385-01, 385-02, 385-03, 385-04, 385-05, 385-06, 385-07, 385-08, 385-09, 385-10


Usenet Oracularities #385    (22 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 17 Dec 91 16:07:50 -0500

*** Well, I'm back from Australia -- my greetings to all readers on that
*** Lucky Continent.  Christmas on the beach -- the only way to go!  Many
*** thanks to Joshua Poulson for taking over as editor while I was away.
*** We seem to have the sendmail problems resolved for now that caused the
*** duplicated lines before.  And, here are the votes that have been
*** absent from the last few issues.
***
*** Happy Holidays to all,                              Steve Kinzler

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with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   385
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

385   22 votes 13486 26761 44833 35a31 35761 29434 47650 6a501 3a540 32980
385   2.8 mean  3.7   2.9   2.9   2.7   2.9   2.9   2.5   2.1   2.5   3.0


385-01    (13486 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                 _______________________________________
> Well, Oracle ol' buddy, looks  |                                       |
> like you've got yourself into  |         ___________________           |
> quite a pickle.  Or labyrinth, | Usenet   ___    |  _  |   |           |
> as the case may be.  Without   | Oracle  |   | | | | |_| | |           |
> your all-seeing eyes, immac-   |         | | | | | |_____| |           |
> ulate wisdom, and your wrath   |         |_| | | |  _____  |           |
> on high, no less.  So watcha   |         | |  _| | |  ___| |           |
> gonna do now?  Heh heh heh...  |         | | |  _| | |  _  |           |
>                                |         |  ___|  _| |_| | |  <o> <o>  |
>     The Ascii Minotaur!        |         | |   | |   |  _|_|  .: QED   |
>                                |         |___|___|_|________  ZAP!     |
>            (___)               |                                       |
>            (o o)               |_______________________________________|
>             \ /
>              O

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I guess I'm stuck looking for an idiotic solution.
}    ________________________________________
}   |                                        |
}   |          ___________________           |
}   |  Usenet   ___    |  _  |   |           |
}   |  Oracle  |   | | | | |_| | |           |
}   |    .     | | | | | |_____| |           |
}   |    .     |_| | | |  _____  |           |
}   |    .     | |  _| | |  ___| |           |
}   |    .     | | |  _| | |  _  |           |
}   |    .     |  ___|  _| |_| | |  <o> <o>  |
}   |    .     | |   | |   |  _|_|  .: QED   |
}   |     .    |___|___|_|________  ZAP!     |
}   |      . . . . . . . . . . . . . .       |
}   |________________________________________|
}
} Ahhh..., much better.  Now, where were we?  Oh,
} I believe I remember.  ZAP!  The Ascii Bill.
}
}                _   /|  Splthlt...
}     Ahckthph!  \`o_@'
}                 >(_)<
}                   U   Ptooey!
}
} You owe the Oracle a tougher challenge.


385-02    (26761 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whowhatwherewhenhowwhy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LisathatcutethingshedoeswithherkneecapsthebackofmymotorcyclelastweekIdon
} 'tknowhowshedoesitbutit'sFUN.
}
} You owe the Oracle some word spacing.


385-03    (44833 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderful Oracle, please enlighten me with an answer to
> this question:    Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are
> near?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                    v
}   m       __ __         m       v
}          /  O  \
}
} What the hell is this?  You idiot, they're not
} following ME, /\o/\ they're following YOU!  If
} you want my advice, I'd find an umbrella. m
}      __ __
} You /  O  \ owe the oracle a copy of The Birds.
}                             ___
}                        \____\_/_____
}                          `--(o)--'
}                             / \
}                            ^   ^
} SPLAT!
}
} And the tab for dry-cleaning my cowl.  Grrr...
}
} ZOT!                         |
}                             |
}                               |
}                             |  |
}                            |  |
}                             |_ |
}                            |(o)   Yikes!
}                            |/ \|
}                            ^   ^


385-04    (35a31 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle, whose MIGHT exceeds that of TRUMP in his
> heyday, whose WISDOM exceeds that of the engineers of INTERNET, whose
> BOOTS I am not worthy to LICK, please answer this question which has
> weighed on me like a lead statue of Dolly Parton:
>
> When do you weigh more, with your eyes open or shut? Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    I am pleased. It appears that grovelling is coming back in style.
} The answer to your question is rooted in the mystery of life. When your
} eyes are open, reality is clear to you, and the weight of the world is
} upon your shoulders. When your eyes are closed, your mind drifts into
} the wonderful world of fantasy, where your spirit can fly to lands far
} away on warm, soft breezes.
}    You owe the Oracle a marble statue of Galadriel.


385-05    (35761 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>   Oh ye of great wisdom, charm, and straight teeth, may your beard grow
> ever longer, please answer my humble question.
>
>   Why is it that when you drop a piece of to
> ************************************************************************
> HELP! I'm being held hostage in a ROM manufacturing plant in Santa
> Clara, California. Please send HELP!
> ************************************************************************
>                                             ast it always lands with
> the butter/jam/glue/honey-side down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Fascinating. By some strange quirk of cosmic fate, you have descibed
} my current incarnation perfectly. The answer to the Toast Question is
} well known: the toppings are more dense than the bread, and hence fall
} faster, hitting the ground first. In fact, originally, a dropped
} sandwich would turn inside-out before hitting the ground. After Zeus
} had a few nasty incidents with peanut butter and honey sandwiches he
} changed the rules around a bit.  Zeus always used to burn his toast,
} though, so he left it alone out of spite.
}    A bit of free advice: you shouldn't let the VLSI guys test new chips
} in your computer.
}
}    You owe the Oracle a tuna and jelly sandwich.


385-06    (29434 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gracious Oracle, master of all minds and source of all Cheez Whiz,
> answer my query:
>
> The other day I was walking to my economics class.  I was quite late,
> so I didn't bother to notice the very attractive piece of masonry that
> was hurtling toward my head from an upward direction.  Needless to say,
> I don't remember much of the hours after the stone became acquainted
> with my cranium.  I do remember hearing one phrase over and over again
> in my tortured dreams: "Giddyap Mister Broccoli".  Since then I have
> been haunted, wondering what that damn phrase might mean.  I looked it
> up in a dream dictionary, but all I found was an entry under "broccoli"
> claiming that it signified "fear of Republicans". Can you help me solve
> the mystery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh foolish mortal, the Oracle hears your plea!
}
} You say that you heard the phrase "Giddyup Mister Broccoli" in your
} tortured dreams, following a blow to the head. Obviously, you have
} confused dreams and visions, thus looking in the wrong place for your
} answer. Dreams are are sent to mortals by the gods, while visions well
} up from the soul, or are induced by so-called inanimate objects. I
} suggest you look at your soul...
} Wait, I'll do it for you...
}
} Hmmm, small, rather, uh, dusty shall we say...
} Let's see, "Broccoli"...
}
} Here we go... You have a deep and unquenchable desire to see a new
} James Bond movie, and your soul (or subconcious) is imploring
} the producer, Albert Broccoli, to get his "rear in gear". The phrasing
} of this plea implies that you desire the movie to have a western
} setting, indicating a desire to see Timothy Dalton in black leather
} chaps. Naughty, naughty!
}
} You owe the Oracle a video copy of "babette's feast"


385-07    (47650 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most correct Oracle,
>
> the Dark One did indeed come and visit me last night in my dreams, much
> as you promised.  I woke up and the transformation had taken place.
> However, I think I've changed my mind about this whole thing.  What
> should my course of action be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're just experiencing what we call post-transformation stress.
} Relax. Think back to the conviction with which you made your decision
} in the first place, and all of the trouble you went through to get
} where you are. Your new, um, *parts* may seem shocking at first, but
} in time you'll come to accept them as decorative, and even useful!
} Enjoy!


385-08    (6a501 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oh oh oh OOOOOOOhOOh OH OOORAACCLEEEEEEEE! When can we do it again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes, the answer all desire after that most beautiful act.  The
} reaching to the clouds.
}
} But we, the Oracle, say, Omni Animal es triste post coitum.  We, the
} AlKnowing also say, Our Latin is Rather Pathetic.
}
} But, my advice to you, Wilt Chaimberlin, is that you should let
} everyone else have firsts before they start getting seconds from you.
}
} I predict that our paths will not again cross for at least the better
} half of a century!
}
} Thus is the prediction of the Oracle prophesized.


385-09    (3a540 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wise Oracle, to whom even the inscrutable is scrutable, why do
> we still have an electoral college?  Do these people ever graduate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, thow piddling, dribbling mortal. The answer to your query is so
} obvious that even an American League umpire could see it. The NCAA has
} several unwritten rules. Every one knows the red shirting rule, which
} allows college players an additional year of eligability if they do not
} play one year. There is also a rule that says that if the player is not
} completely successfull, to the satisfaction of his constituents, he can
} be voted to another year of play. If the player is extremely gifted,
} their constituents will forever be unsatisfied, to ensure that he
} remains on the college, and on their team, so to speak.
}
} You owe the Oracle box seat season tickets to the Senate, including
} playoffs, or is it runoffs?


385-10    (32980 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most-wise, ye who hath little to do in today's market
> economy except to ponder the very existence of money itself.  Ye who
> doth have more riches than even the Rockefeller's yea unto even the
> million-fold as much. Bestoweth Upon Mine Humble Self Your Wisdom....
>
> Should I divest now into money market funds, or should I sink all my
> capital into certificates of deposit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Frankly, I think we'd all be better off if you'd just sink the Capitol.
}
} You owe the Oracle a $17 bill.


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