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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                 _______________________________________ > Well, Oracle ol' buddy, looks  |                                       | > like you've got yourself into  |         ___________________           | > quite a pickle.  Or labyrinth, | Usenet   ___    |  _  |   |           | > as the case may be.  Without   | Oracle  |   | | | | |_| | |           | > your all-seeing eyes, immac-   |         | | | | | |_____| |           | > ulate wisdom, and your wrath   |         |_| | | |  _____  |           | > on high, no less.  So watcha   |         | |  _| | |  ___| |           | > gonna do now?  Heh heh heh...  |         | | |  _| | |  _  |           | >                                |         |  ___|  _| |_| | |  <o> <o>  | >     The Ascii Minotaur!        |         | |   | |   |  _|_|  .: QED   | >                                |         |___|___|_|________  ZAP!     | >            (___)               |                                       | >            (o o)               |_______________________________________| >             \ / >              O

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I guess I'm stuck looking for an idiotic solution. }    ________________________________________ }   |                                        | }   |          ___________________           | }   |  Usenet   ___    |  _  |   |           | }   |  Oracle  |   | | | | |_| | |           | }   |    .     | | | | | |_____| |           | }   |    .     |_| | | |  _____  |           | }   |    .     | |  _| | |  ___| |           | }   |    .     | | |  _| | |  _  |           | }   |    .     |  ___|  _| |_| | |  <o> <o>  | }   |    .     | |   | |   |  _|_|  .: QED   | }   |     .    |___|___|_|________  ZAP!     | }   |      . . . . . . . . . . . . . .       | }   |________________________________________| } } Ahhh..., much better.  Now, where were we?  Oh, } I believe I remember.  ZAP!  The Ascii Bill. } }                _   /|  Splthlt... }     Ahckthph!  \`o_@' }                 >(_)< }                   U   Ptooey! } } You owe the Oracle a tougher challenge.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whowhatwherewhenhowwhy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LisathatcutethingshedoeswithherkneecapsthebackofmymotorcyclelastweekIdon } 'tknowhowshedoesitbutit'sFUN. } } You owe the Oracle some word spacing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderful Oracle, please enlighten me with an answer to > this question:    Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are > near?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                    v }   m       __ __         m       v }          /  O  \ } } What the hell is this?  You idiot, they're not } following ME, /\o/\ they're following YOU!  If } you want my advice, I'd find an umbrella. m }      __ __ } You /  O  \ owe the oracle a copy of The Birds. }                             ___ }                        \____\_/_____ }                          `--(o)--' }                             / \ }                            ^   ^ } SPLAT! } } And the tab for dry-cleaning my cowl.  Grrr... } } ZOT!                         | }                             | }                               | }                             |  | }                            |  | }                             |_ | }                            |(o)   Yikes! }                            |/ \| }                            ^   ^

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle, whose MIGHT exceeds that of TRUMP in his > heyday, whose WISDOM exceeds that of the engineers of INTERNET, whose > BOOTS I am not worthy to LICK, please answer this question which has > weighed on me like a lead statue of Dolly Parton: > > When do you weigh more, with your eyes open or shut? Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    I am pleased. It appears that grovelling is coming back in style. } The answer to your question is rooted in the mystery of life. When your } eyes are open, reality is clear to you, and the weight of the world is } upon your shoulders. When your eyes are closed, your mind drifts into } the wonderful world of fantasy, where your spirit can fly to lands far } away on warm, soft breezes. }    You owe the Oracle a marble statue of Galadriel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, >   Oh ye of great wisdom, charm, and straight teeth, may your beard grow > ever longer, please answer my humble question. > >   Why is it that when you drop a piece of to > ************************************************************************ > HELP! I'm being held hostage in a ROM manufacturing plant in Santa > Clara, California. Please send HELP! > ************************************************************************ >                                             ast it always lands with > the butter/jam/glue/honey-side down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Fascinating. By some strange quirk of cosmic fate, you have descibed } my current incarnation perfectly. The answer to the Toast Question is } well known: the toppings are more dense than the bread, and hence fall } faster, hitting the ground first. In fact, originally, a dropped } sandwich would turn inside-out before hitting the ground. After Zeus } had a few nasty incidents with peanut butter and honey sandwiches he } changed the rules around a bit.  Zeus always used to burn his toast, } though, so he left it alone out of spite. }    A bit of free advice: you shouldn't let the VLSI guys test new chips } in your computer. } }    You owe the Oracle a tuna and jelly sandwich.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gracious Oracle, master of all minds and source of all Cheez Whiz, > answer my query: > > The other day I was walking to my economics class.  I was quite late, > so I didn't bother to notice the very attractive piece of masonry that > was hurtling toward my head from an upward direction.  Needless to say, > I don't remember much of the hours after the stone became acquainted > with my cranium.  I do remember hearing one phrase over and over again > in my tortured dreams: "Giddyap Mister Broccoli".  Since then I have > been haunted, wondering what that damn phrase might mean.  I looked it > up in a dream dictionary, but all I found was an entry under "broccoli" > claiming that it signified "fear of Republicans". Can you help me solve > the mystery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh foolish mortal, the Oracle hears your plea! } } You say that you heard the phrase "Giddyup Mister Broccoli" in your } tortured dreams, following a blow to the head. Obviously, you have } confused dreams and visions, thus looking in the wrong place for your } answer. Dreams are are sent to mortals by the gods, while visions well } up from the soul, or are induced by so-called inanimate objects. I } suggest you look at your soul... } Wait, I'll do it for you... } } Hmmm, small, rather, uh, dusty shall we say... } Let's see, "Broccoli"... } } Here we go... You have a deep and unquenchable desire to see a new } James Bond movie, and your soul (or subconcious) is imploring } the producer, Albert Broccoli, to get his "rear in gear". The phrasing } of this plea implies that you desire the movie to have a western } setting, indicating a desire to see Timothy Dalton in black leather } chaps. Naughty, naughty! } } You owe the Oracle a video copy of "babette's feast"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most correct Oracle, > > the Dark One did indeed come and visit me last night in my dreams, much > as you promised.  I woke up and the transformation had taken place. > However, I think I've changed my mind about this whole thing.  What > should my course of action be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're just experiencing what we call post-transformation stress. } Relax. Think back to the conviction with which you made your decision } in the first place, and all of the trouble you went through to get } where you are. Your new, um, *parts* may seem shocking at first, but } in time you'll come to accept them as decorative, and even useful! } Enjoy!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oh oh oh OOOOOOOhOOh OH OOORAACCLEEEEEEEE! When can we do it again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes, the answer all desire after that most beautiful act.  The } reaching to the clouds. } } But we, the Oracle, say, Omni Animal es triste post coitum.  We, the } AlKnowing also say, Our Latin is Rather Pathetic. } } But, my advice to you, Wilt Chaimberlin, is that you should let } everyone else have firsts before they start getting seconds from you. } } I predict that our paths will not again cross for at least the better } half of a century! } } Thus is the prediction of the Oracle prophesized.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wise Oracle, to whom even the inscrutable is scrutable, why do > we still have an electoral college?  Do these people ever graduate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, thow piddling, dribbling mortal. The answer to your query is so } obvious that even an American League umpire could see it. The NCAA has } several unwritten rules. Every one knows the red shirting rule, which } allows college players an additional year of eligability if they do not } play one year. There is also a rule that says that if the player is not } completely successfull, to the satisfaction of his constituents, he can } be voted to another year of play. If the player is extremely gifted, } their constituents will forever be unsatisfied, to ensure that he } remains on the college, and on their team, so to speak. } } You owe the Oracle box seat season tickets to the Senate, including } playoffs, or is it runoffs?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most-wise, ye who hath little to do in today's market > economy except to ponder the very existence of money itself.  Ye who > doth have more riches than even the Rockefeller's yea unto even the > million-fold as much. Bestoweth Upon Mine Humble Self Your Wisdom.... > > Should I divest now into money market funds, or should I sink all my > capital into certificates of deposit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Frankly, I think we'd all be better off if you'd just sink the Capitol. } } You owe the Oracle a $17 bill.