[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:33:39 GMT

Internet Oracularities #386

Goto:
386, 386-01, 386-02, 386-03, 386-04, 386-05, 386-06, 386-07, 386-08, 386-09, 386-10


Usenet Oracularities #386    (22 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 19 Dec 91 23:17:50 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   386
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

386   22 votes 33a42 17653 45364 34942 20965 16546 57721 342a3 00886 45643
386   3.1 mean  3.0   3.1   3.0   2.9   3.5   3.4   2.4   3.3   3.9   2.9


386-01    (33a42 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Oh, great, Libertarian Oracle, answer me this politically incorrect
> question: Is an honest Republican something like a rational Democrat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Both of those animals were in the bar having a few beers with the
} unicorns and the gryphons when the final call for the Ark came, so I
} guess we'll never know.
}
} You owe the Oracle a respite from the term "politically incorrect".


386-02    (17653 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh Great Oracle, whose nose I am not fit to pick, whose toe-jam
> I am not fit to taste, and whose earwax I am not fit to sculpt, please,
> oh please, answer me this, my simple question....
>
>       Just how deep IS the average navel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I dunno, man, some of them puppies are pretty deep.  You know, I
} heard once (can't say if it's true) that just like you can tell
} about a GUY by looking at his thumbs (or his schnoz, or whatever
} else you want to stare at), you can tell a lot about a woman by
} the dimensions and depth of her navel.  This rumor got around the
} beach once, and you shoulda seen the commotion...
}
} {Cut to scene of beach.  A beautful, tan, blonde woman is
} reclining on a towel.  She is wearing a whisper of a bikini top,
} and a thong bottom.  A crowd of lust-crazed computer nerds
} gathers.  When she rolls over to sun her face, a gasp runs
} through the crowd.  She has a tight, firm navel, but it appears
} to run deep.  Some money exchanges hands in the crowd, and soon a
} nervous-looking geek, wiping his nose on the back of his hand and
} sporting a tremendous. . . .  ruler, steps forward to see if he
} can measure the depth of her navel without waking her.  Let's
} watch the action:}
}
} VOICE IN CROWD:  "Shhh!  Be veh-wy, veh-wy quiet."
}
} GEEK:  (Tiptoeing toward sleeping blonde, measuring rod in hand)
} Are you sure this is gonna work, guys?  What if she wakes up?
} She might hit me or sumthin!"
}
} DORK IN CROWD: "So?  If she wakes up, you can show her who's
} boss."
}
} SECOND DORK IN CROWD:  "Yeah, right.  She'll probably pummel the
} crap out of him."
}
} GEEK:  "Shut up, guys!  I'm gettin' kinda nervous."  (Pushes
} repaired glasses farther up nose and breaks wind.)  "Oh man, I
} always do that when I'm scared.  I dunno about this."  (Inches
} nearer blonde, who moans slightly and wakens.)
}
} BLONDE:  "Huh?  What?" (Shields eyes from sun and surveys the
} crowd)  "Who ARE you losers?"
}
} DORK IN CROWD:  "We're astronomers, ma'am.  We're here to measure
} your navel!"
}
} SECOND DORK IN CROWD:  "Yeah!  We heard that how deep your navel
} is means how deep..." (giggles nervously) "...you know.  How deep
} the other part is."
}
} BLONDE:  "The OTHER part?  I'll 'other part' you, you little
} creep!"  Stands up and starts pummeling Geek, who drops to the
} sand and curls into the fetal position, screaming "Ow, ow, ow!"
}
} GEEK:  "Run for it, guys!  She's got a curling iron!"
}
} CROWD:  (Scatters)
}
} So nobody knows for sure, my humble supplicant.  The blonde
} pummeled the living crap out of the geek, and no astronomer on
} the beach ever dared go near a beach babe again.  If one of them
} ever gets laid, however, he's promised to write back to all the
} rest of the guys and tell them if the legend is true.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Legend of Sleepy Hollow.
} (Which implies that our geek is a "head"less horseman?)


386-03    (45364 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Overly omnipotent oracle,
>            Ought our own oval octopus' own our own old oars?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh opportuning oaf, observe!
}
}   Our otherworldly octopi -- oblong, obese, oblivious -- owe odious
}   O'Donnell one offspring (or offshoot) of our oak.  Only our own
}   ogling orchestral Orpheus, ordering orchids, observed.  Oust (or
}   ostracize, or oxidize) ornery outlaw O'Donnell, or our outrage
}   overwhelms opulent Omaha or opalescent Ontario!
}
} Obey our ordinance!  OK?


386-04    (34942 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I like to bike! I like to lick!
> Am I slow or am I quick?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The man likes to climb on his bi-sic-cle
} He's much too big for a little tri-sic-cle
} He likes to ride and he likes to pedal
} And he wants to know if his pedal's to the metal
} Well he's a lucky guy 'cause he's on the Internet
} And he thinks, "Hey man, with the Oracle I'm set!"
} So he sends in mail and he adds one trick
} 'cause aside from riding bikes, he also likes to lick
}
} The Oracle reads your mail with some irk
} `cause though you didn't beg, you wanted him to work!
} You didn't even grovel, you didn't supplicate
} And you want clever answers?  Well that's just great!
} It's clear you need lessons in hu-mil-i-ty
} 'cause otherwise your actions will be in fu-til-i-ty
} It's clear from all of this, no matter bike or lick,
} That you're not very humble, nor very quick.
} That only leaves one option I hope don't make you low,
} I'm really very sorry, but I must conclude you're slow.
}
} You owe the Oracle music lessons from Dee-Lite.


386-05    (20965 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could I please learn a little more about this system?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usenet Oracle: Acolyte Sue, would you please take care of this?  Some
}     feller `owed' me sixteen dancing girls, and the enterprising young
}     lad actually came through!  Of course, they must be _personally_
}     inspected.  [Wink]
}
} [UO scampers off with a gleam in his eye]
}
} Acolyte Sue: [Sly grin]  Of course, your pompousnessage.  Ok, he's
}     gone.  Here's ho- Oh, hi Lisa.
}
} [Enter an adorable young woman wearing only an extra-long t-shirt and
} a cowboy hat]
}
} Lisa: Didn't I just see my Oreo come through here?
}
} AS: Yes'm, I believe he's down in Acquisitions.  Said he was going to
}     be tied up for several hours with the backlog.  [Frown]  I don't
}     think you'd want to catch him in the mood he's in.
}
} Li: Thanks, damnitallanyway.  [Stomps off in the sexiest of huffs]
}
} AS: Ok, here's ho-
}
} [Enter the Oracle, slipping through a crack in the door.  Flushed and
} mussed, he's missing some buttons.  He looks around furtively.]
}
} UO: Yikes, I almost forgot, I was supposed to cat-
}
} AS: -atch up with Lisa, yes, your platitudeness.  [Mock blandness]
}     Aren't you tied up in Acquisitions for the rest of the afternoon?
}     In the foulest of moods?
}
} UO: Bless your heart...  [Relieved smile]  Continue, Aco-, er,
}     Priestess-elect Sue.
}
} [Sue's robes waver and change color to a mauve and chartreuse tartan.
} With a low V-neckline.]
}
} PS: Pries...?  Yes sir!, thank you, sir!, very much!
}
} UO: [Heh]  Back to the chain gang!  Ciao!
}
} [Poof!, Oracle's gone.]
}
} PS: That's how the system works.  [Runs her hands down the new robes]
}     Oh, this is so much fun!  You owe...  Let's see.  What's fair?
}     Hmm.  You owe the Oracle... an Acolyte!


386-06    (16546 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great oracle... whose arms are the color of michael jackson's
> underwear...
>
> why does the net lag so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is pondering your question.
}
} Expect an answer in a day or two.


386-07    (57721 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What should I do about this embarrassing itch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'm not *really* a doctor, but if I were, I would prescribe
}
} BOOM!       BOOM!       BOOM!       BOOM!       BOOM!       [-*ZOT!*-]
}
} Hallelujah!  I finally got that pesky rabbit!  Now I can get some
} sleep.
}
} You were saying...  Oh yeah, that annoying itch.  Well, since you
} didn't grovel, let me take care of it for you.
}
} [-*ZOT!*-]    BOOM! shika-shika BOOM! shika-shika BOOM!
} shika-shika......
}
} Hey, what are you complaining about?  Your itch is gone, isn't it?
}
} You owe the Oracle the Energizer Bunny(tm)'s head on a plate.


386-08    (342a3 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why NOT pass go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because the little stones fly everywhere.  Also,
} it's considered poor sportsmanship if you happen
} to be playing a game at the time.  Pass a football
} instead.


386-09    (00886 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most awesome Oracle,
>
> What shall we do with a drunken sailor?
> What shall we do with a drunken sailor?
> What shall we do with a drunked sailor,
> Early in the morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Keep him away from the oil tanker,
} Don't let him near the oil tanker
} Don't let him steer the oil tanker
} Early in the morning!
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of salmon that doesn't taste like crude oil.


386-10    (45643 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sing me a song, tell me a joke, read my fortune.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi there Kevin! Don't like beeing anonymous, do we ;-) Well, here
} comes the help (but I have to say that you are a poor groveller)
}
} do dah do doo dii da do ditt *BANG* [sound of frying pan
} hitting the tender forehead of oracle]
} Lisa : Stop singing you stupid twit, I have told you a thousand times
}        that you don't know how to sing.
} oracle [in a mild voice] : sorry darling
} oracle [normal voice] : Well, there was this man coming into a bar
}        *THUD* [sound of unconnected Braun hairdryer hitting an oracle]
}        ouch!, Lisa, what is the matter with you?
} Lisa : You know that you are not allowed to tell any bar jokes, not
}        since you told God that one about the vicar.
} oracle : oh, yes, the vicar story (Gulp), well we don't want to offend
}        God now do we?
} oracle [in a silent voice] : and we don't want to offend our Lisa now
}        do we however here's your future. Never let your girlfriend
}        move in to your house.
}
} You owe the oracle a first aid kit


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org