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Internet Oracularities #387

Goto:
387, 387-01, 387-02, 387-03, 387-04, 387-05, 387-06, 387-07, 387-08, 387-09, 387-10


Usenet Oracularities #387    (20 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 21 Dec 91 12:06:54 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   387
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

387   20 votes 47621 74711 36371 25544 37712 2a611 26462 17921 13556 14a41
387   2.8 mean  2.5   2.2   2.9   3.1   2.6   2.5   3.0   2.8   3.6   3.0


387-01    (47621 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh anaconda, tell me why the crane
> Should be samoan when the toadstools scream:
> A wailing hermit never maims a brain,
> Although 'tis true that felons harm a bream.
> My heart is spacious, likewise it is red,
> When e'er I see the crazy carrots write;
> I lost the briny princess -- for a bed
> Had madly spluttered as it chewed a light.
> Alas! the days of midwife, elk, and bat
> Are gone, and now the hungry bailiffs blink;
> Momentous was the crocus, now so fat
> And ospreys cannot squash the smiling drink.
> I shall no longer hide the ancient goose:
> Life's not an ogre, but a gruesome moose!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You ask me, so to say, from when
} To juxtapose forget-me-not's sporran
} When Pittsburgh ginger segregates its tittle,
} Depressing ball-and-socket joints a little.
} Irrelative to lithograph's depravity
} The coal unfurls sinister gravity;
} The wroth salvationists are forking
} Another unmembraneous faun by Hawking,
} While chiffon's only lily tea
} Is incommens'rability.
} You see, a crumbly terracotta zither
} Will never use consultants, never wither,
} Will shelter chilblains, snub a packthread,
} And then, when fixing, it will take head
} Of irredeemable goggle-box.
} Catching smallpox, catching pox
} Is one of manful Gaelic stirrups
} In times of counter-espionage, versus eliminating other crotchety
} insobrieties, FIRST seizing, then ROUGHENING, then SALVING!
} STOP THIS DESCRIBABLE DESIDERATUM!!
} I WANT ANOTHER POINT-BLANK SHOT!!
} AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
}
} kinzler@iuvax [~] kill 4532
}
} Now look at this!  Someone caused the Oracle program to go crazy!
} It will probably take weeks to fix!
}
} You owe the Oracle twenty-one gluey orifices, glozed over by a
} hardwood settee.


387-02    (74711 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  [The USENET Oracle finds a glass bottle in his mailbox]
>                   +-------------+
>
>  ORACLE: Hey what's that!? suplicants are supposed to send their
>          questions via e-mail, not inside glasss bottles!
>
>  [Oracle opens the bottle and finds a scrap of paper inside]
>
>             +----------------------------------------------+
>             |HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP  |
>             |                                              |
>             |To: whoever finds this note.                  |
>             |                                              |
>             |I am a prisoner on an island.  The bad guys   |
>             |call it "the village".  They call everyone    |
>             |by numbers.  They call me Number 6.  I have   |
>             |never seen number 1, but on every episode     |
>             |there is a different number 2, who demands    |
>             |information.                                  |
>             |                                              |
>             |I've tried every possible way to escape but   |
>             |somehow, everytime I find myself back in the  |
>             |"village" before the episode ends.            |
>             |                                              |
>             |Please help me.                               |
>             |                                              |
>             |I AM NOT A NUMBER! I AM A FREE (?) MAN!       |
>             +----------------------------------------------+

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question will finally be answered, here on The Net.
}
} _I_ am Number One. You are Number Six. You cannot escape the Village
} because I, the omnipotent Oracle, control it. Give up, Number Six. It
} will be easier in the long run.
}
} You owe the Oracle everything you know. Just tell Number Two, it will
} get to me.


387-03    (36371 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, wondrous Oracle, Oh He Who Has The Knowledge To Do All, See
> All, Yet Still Answers Our Petty Questions, please, oh please, could
> you tell me:
>
>       Exactly who uses that weird part of the stapler that makes the
> staple flange outward, rather than inward?
>
>       (Figure one:   _____ flange "in"
>                      \/ \/
>
>                        _____ flange "out"
>                      \/     \/               )

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've hit upon a problem that plagues even the Oracle herself
} (yes, I said HERself), and it's not just limited to staplers,
} either.
}
} Like, what do you call it when you go to open a pop-top can, and
} the top snaps off in your hand, so you have to open the soda with
} a screwdriver, and it sprays everywhere?
}
} And why does the cigarette lighter in the car just one day stick
} like that, and it won't pop out, and you think "hey, is this
} thing going to light my dashboard on fire?"
}
} And did you ever notice that sometimes when you go to stick your
} gum under a desktop, someone's been there before you with gum or
} worse?
}
} And fortune cookies!  Who writes those things?  Some day I'd like
} to get one that said "You're about to get stuck with the check,
} and he's not even any good at oral sex!"
}
} Then there's the aerosol can that sticks in the "open" position,
} the kitchen gas pilot light that keeps going out and threatening
} your life, and Andy Rooney, who NEVER shuts up, and likes to ruin
} a perfectly good hour-long show.
}
} The Oracle's pet peeve, however, is men's John Henrys.  I mean,
} let's face it, girls, size DOES count, and most of those things
} are too small.  And I have yet to meet the man who knows how to
} use one.  The rule is, NEVER FORGET THE CLITORIS.  Beyond that,
} it's like falling off a... well, you know.
}
} Now to answer your question, the weird part of the stapler that
} makes the staple flange "out" rather than "in" was created by
} Satan himself.  It's evil.  Anything else?
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of lubricant and your Swiss Army
} Knife.


387-04    (25544 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Oh mighty, all knowing Oracle, I abase myself before thy plattitude.
> Why is it that questioners of yours so often uncover the great
> mysteries of the Universe by asking silly questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is, my friend, that the universe is silly.
}
} Many religions concern themselves with the True Name of God. This True
} Name is actually Phlegmbippie Non Cogito Vishnu Squirtcarrot, but when
} your average medium spits that out, it is discarded as too silly.
}
} I mean, it's obvious how silly the universe is when you realize how
} silly an activity sex is. Whould people really get into those odd,
} unnatural positions if they realized how silly they look? I think not.
}
} Silliness is everywhere. It binds us togther, flows through everything.
} It is soft and chewy, it is hard and chrunchy. It is the Tao, the
} Buddah, the One True Path, the Limitless Light. God made us in him
} image, and we are silly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stupid hat.


387-05    (37712 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> can you tell me what you do with all the stuff you demand from
> questioners after they have had their questions answered? can you give
> examples?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I've been waiting for just such a question!  Congratulation,
} petitioner, you are lucky caller number 3411313 to the Oracle Internet
} Shopping Network.(TM)  This entitles you to your choice of a $500
} credit or an autographed T-shirt, sure to be a collectors item and a
} way to be the hit of your next BOF.
}
} There are just 3.121324 milliseconds left on the puce colored
} biodegradable indoor-outdoor carpeting special.  No?  Well, time's up,
} anyway.
}
} Perhaps you would like to ftp our catalog from ftp.oracle.com.  (It is
} in the /pub directory, where else?)  We know of no other shopping
} network with our diversity of merchandise, which is shipped via
} Etherial Express for only a $X.400 shipping charge, guaranteed to
} arrive fully checksummed and ready to be unpacketized.  (Shipping for
} some items extra, such as the life size working model of the Universe,
} complete with instructions.)
}
} Some items are available in limited quantites, and we reserve the right
} to substitute merchandise of equal or better quality.  (Sorry, we're
} all out of inflatable vaccuum powered Linda Lovelace dolls at the
} moment, perhaps you'd settle for the Tipper Gore sex doll instead--it
} just lays there humming "Amazing Grace".)
}
} All you need to order is to supply us with your Internet number.  We'll
} get the rest of the information from NIC.  Purchaser is responsible for
} any taxes, duty, and charges of possession of substances illegal in
} his/her domain.
}
} We're open 24 hours a day, telnet to ripoff.oracle.com, login: sucker.
} Thanks for calling the Oracle Internet Shopping Network.


387-06    (2a611 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Master Oracle, to whom none could be apprentice let alone journeyman,
> I am prepared to invest all my savings in a miraculous pigcleaning
> formula. They come out pinker than pink, they really do! Some people
> have advised me that I would be foolish to invest all my savings in a
> miraculous pigcleaning formula; they say there is a very limited
> market for clean pigs, although they admit they themselves would prefer
> to eat a clean pig rather than a dirty pig. Should I follow my heart,
> which urges me to invest, or my friends' advice, which suggests a
> few weeks of bedrest and some nice, safe savings bonds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy are you lucky!  You probably made one of the smartet decisions in
} your life.  My sincere congratulations!  My congratulations for
} ASKING MY ADVICE FIRST!  Because otherwise you would have listened to
} your heart,  not to your mind (which was trying to convince you to buy
} that house).
}
} Let me tell you about that "pinker than pink" formula first.  It was
} developed in the late thirties by the Germans,  as you probaly know.
} They used it for camouflage in the second world war.   But it didn't
} prove to be quite useful because of some rather strange kind of
} behavior displayed by the French resistance (which,  I won't explain
} in detail,  but briefly mention that it was quite painful for some
} German soliders to sit after using that product.)
}
} After the war,  American enterpreneur James Pinkerton tried to market
} the formula as a mouthwash.  He failed.  The "pinker than pink" (known
} as "Pinkerton Pink" at that time) was nothing but pink paint!
} Unfortunately,  Pinkerton realized that too late.
}
} I guess you ran into one of his grandchildren,  because they are
} trying to recover the money their grandfather lost by marketing the
} "pink stuff"  (as they call it among themselves)  to unsuspecting
} young yupies like you.
}
} So my advice is:  forget about pinker than pink.  It's only paint!
}
} Ok,  so you want a solid investment for your hard earned money?  Why
} don't you consider buying Oracle stocks?
}
} You owe the Oracle the real thing.


387-07    (26462 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O great and mighty Oracle, who had the foresight to denounce
> George Bush even before he proved his economic ineptitude, who
> planned his relations with the Slavic Commonwealth before Gorbachev
> even came to power, who even sold short the day before the 1987 Wall
> Street crash, I beseech thee to impart some of thine prescient wisdom
> upon this lowly of lowlies, this total unworthy who is not even fit
> to lick the snot from your nose, who [remainder of grovelling deleted
> due to tastelessness, but believe me, it's grovelling]...
>
>       A hypothetical question:  let us suppose that, as a result of
> Hell freezing over, David Duke manages to get elected President.  Let
> us also suppose that Quebec secedes from Canada and gets really
> pissed off at American trading practices.  What would you say the
> chances are that this would result in a war, and if so, where would
> the best place be to hole up while both sides blow the crap out of
> each other?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           Fear Not, my properly grovelling Questioner:
}
}           This incarnation looks upon your question with great favor,
}           considering the manner in which it was posed. I will
}           therefore give you a glimpse of the future:
}
}           Let us assume that Hell froze over and David Duke became
}           President. Let us also consider Quebec's secession from
}           Canada, and consequent dislike of the American trading
}           situation. For four years, the Quebec Elite National Guard
}           would make forays and sorties against Maine, Vermont, and
}           New Hampshire. The attacks would be repulsed by US customs
}           agents who would not allow items of over $2,000, including
}           heavy artillery, to cross the border. Those enterprising
}           Elite Guards who hid their firearms in the backs of their
}           tanks, and were then able to get through customs, would
}           be ignored by the locals, who were more interested in
}           watching LA Law. Upset and frustrated, the Elite guard would
}           return to Quebec, and play a game of hockey.
}
}           After four years, of course, once the Presidential elections
}           rolled around again, all of the French people in Quebec
}           would flow across the border like a large herd of Caribou,
}           or perhaps Lemmings, and elect Jerry Lewis, their Idol, as
}           the next President. The reign of terror would be over. Of
}           course, as a joke, President Lewis would detonate the
}           entire nuclear arsenal of the US, as part of the 1812
}           Overture. Such a massive explosion would cause Hell to thaw,
}           making it, in fact, a rather nice resort.
}
}           Therefore, it would behoove you to buy some real estate
}           along the Styx.
}
}           Thus speaketh the Oracle!


387-08    (17921 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is.
} Is Not.
} The world would be a much nicer place if the logical positivists had
} not exerted such great influence on twentieth century thought.
}
} On second though, it is not entirely fair to blame it all on them.  I
} think that we are dealing with a long tradition of stupid people.
}
} Is would mean a lot more if everyone lived their lives feeling that
} they were living it in the presence of God.
}
} Probably not what you wanted to hear.
}
} Nothing.
}
} That is about what human thought signifies.
} Don't ponder that to closely- you might become a positivist or a
} nihilist or something.  Actually- I think that you already are a
} nihilist.
}
} Don't eat cream cheese.  Cream cheese is a trap set by Satan.
}
} You owe the Oracle a real question.


387-09    (13556 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonder of wonders and all that other grovel garbage.  I'm not
> feeling well today so I'll make it short:
>
> Why the hell can't my brother get a girlfriend.  What's his problem.
> He's better looking than me.  He's more fit than me.  I on the
> otherhand am happily married.  What gives?
>
> Your humble (and somewhat infectious) supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's take a quick look in on your brother Marc, who is currently
} watching TV and drinking a beer in Cambridge, Massachusetts:
}
} <EtherNet ComLink on ... Connected>
}
} [Marc sits in a ratty green chair and clicks the remote control.]
}
} MARC:  GODDAMN SHIT ON TV!  I HATE THIS FUCKIN SHIT!  NOTHIN FUCKIN
}        GOOD ON TV!  GODDAMN IT!
}
} [Marc vomits voluminously, nearly drowning the cat.]
}
} MARC:  GODDAMN FUCKIN FLU!  I HATE THE FUCKIN FLU!  I HATE MY FUCKIN
}        BROTHER WHO GAVE ME THE FUCKIN FLU!
}
} [The doorbell rings.  Marc rises, cursing, and sloshes through the
} vomit to open the front door.  Traci is here, wearing a see-through
} negligee and low-cut panties]
}
} TRACI: Ooh, Markie, you're sick!  I love it when you're sick!
}
} MARC:  FUCK OFF!
}
} [Marc slams the door, and vomits a huge wet splash onto the closed
} door.  He sloshes back to his seat and drains the rest of his beer.]
}
} MARC:  GODDAMN FUCKIN INTERRUPTIONS!  FUCKIN VISITORS WHEN I WANNA
}        FUCKIN WATCH TV!
}
} [Candi wanders in from the bedroom, wearing a spiked leather bra.  She
} stands in the doorway.]
}
} CANDI: Marc, honey?  Are you coming back ... to bed?
}
} MARC:  FUCK OFF!
}
} [Marc vomits violently on Candi, blowing her back into the bedroom.]
}
} MARC:  GODDAMN FUCKIN INTERRUPTIONS WHEN I'M FUCKIN WATCHIN TV!
}
} [Marc vomits on TV, shorting it out in a gaudy explosion of glass and
} sparks.]
}
} MARC:  FUCK!
}
} <Ethernet ComLink off ... Disconnected>
}
} So, you see your brother's problem.  He's just too sensitive.  He
} needs to be less afraid of taking the dominant role in a relationship.
}
} You owe the Oracle device B.


387-10    (14a41 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who knowest all,
> Why have I only got one ball?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           Oh Questioner, it is clear to see
}           Why you have asked this question of me
}
}           This query has passed down through the ages
}           And confounded quite a number of sages
}
}           In tennis one usually begins with three
}           So are you missing a pair? It occurs to me
}
}           You might have lost them, one by one
}           Launched into the sea, or shot by a gun
}
}           But no, that answer is far too clear
}           The truth of the matter is not as near
}
}           The game of baseball is not at hand
}           For many a ball might be hit towards the stand
}
}           If one suggests football I'd be annoyed
}           For that's not a ball--it's an ellipsoid
}
}           Hockey of course uses a puck
}           Don't look there--you'd be out of luck
}
}           So back to your problem of a singular sphere
}           Do people gawk, and stare, and sneer?
}
}           Although I know the answer you request
}           I will not directly comply with your behest
}
}           For the cause of your problem can be no other
}           It must be your father, or your mother
}
}           This unilateral decision of Fate
}           Depends upon being set straight
}
}           For basketball is your game, my son
}           Where your total ball count numbers One
}
}           Thus speaketh the Oracle, wise beyond years
}           Send me a gift, mail order from Sears.


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