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Internet Oracularities #388

Goto:
388, 388-01, 388-02, 388-03, 388-04, 388-05, 388-06, 388-07, 388-08, 388-09, 388-10


Usenet Oracularities #388    (15 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 91 16:00:54 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

388   15 votes 54312 24531 06531 25161 23811 13353 12543 04533 74112 13551
388   2.9 mean  2.4   2.8   2.9   2.9   2.7   3.4   3.4   3.3   2.1   3.1


388-01    (54312 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, able to hear the bleats of freshmen without going insane,
> able to answer questions while leaping over a tall building in a single
> bound, answer me this:
>
> Why have all the really neat superheroes been condemned to wearing
> tights?!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, kind mortal, who doth grovel so well: I'm not sure.
} Most of them are guys, even though that is a massive slap in the face
} to feminism. Tell you what... let's ask Lisa!
}
} Lisa! Lisa! Come here. Orrie needs your help!
}
} Lisa: Ooooooooh! Goodie! Do I get to hold something for you? Do I get
}       to transcribe all of your quotes? Do I get to lick your....
}
} Oracle: Uh... that'll be enough. I'd like you to help me answer a
}         question.
}
} Lisa: Reallllllly? I've always wanted to do that! You'd really let me?
}       Really? You mean I don't have to perform any odd sex acts to earn
}       the privledge?
}
} Oracle: Yep. The sex comes later... Tell me, Lisa. Why do the
}         superheroes have to wear those stupid tights?
}
} Lisa: 'Cause it makes 'em look seeeeeexy! You can see their muscles and
}       all of them! Even in front you can see their...
}
} Oracle: OK. That'll be enough for your gentle questioner. Lisa, did I
}         ever show you my nifty pair of tights?
}
} Lisa: Oh Orrie! No! I'd love to see them on! And off....
}
} You owe the Oracle a snap-crotched pair of tights.


388-02    (24531 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, very very very very very very very smart and smart oracle, please
> answer my humble question:
>
> How far should a person go on a first date?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A person should only go as far on a first date as their method of
} transport will allow.
}
} It would be foolish, if not downright rude, to suggest "walking over to
} Rockefeller Center to see the Christmas trees" if you are currently in
} Indiana. Your date would no doubt be annoyed at your lack of
} consideration for his/her feet and would probably also be alarmed at
} your extremely poor sense of distance.
}
} If, on the other hand, you have access to a Lear jet, the above
} mentioned jaunt from Terre Haute to NYC might be a completely
} reasonable (as well as quite romantic) suggestion.


388-03    (06531 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O socially adroit and anthopologically acute Oracle, one who eats his
> meat raw asks: do those folks who flame so obnoxiously in email and
> netnews have any teeth left in their heads, or are they more civil in
> person?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [flame on]
}
} NO, I DON'T THINK SO!  LOOK, YOU SPELLED "ANTHROPOLOGICALLY" WRONG, AND
} YOUR QUESTION CONTRIBUTES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO THE CURRENT THREAD, AND
} UH... OH YEAH!, YOUR POST SOUNDS A LOT LIKE A PERSONAL ATTACK TO ME!  I
} THINK I'LL TAKE OFFENSE NOW!  PHUGGH!
}
} [flame off]
}
} No, why do you ask?
}
} You owe the oracle a life's supply of Gerber's(tm) Gourmet Baby Food.


388-04    (25161 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come the horses sleep standing up
> and the cows don't?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So who says they're sleeping?
}
} They're actually in communion with Gl'ka, the ancient diety of
} armageddon and old laundry.  It was written long ago that the
} proper ritual circles to bring her wrath to bear upon you fool
} humans could only be formed with upright horses and reclining
} cows.  Trouble is, their great prophet was taken by the evil
} minions of the Golden Arches (that's right, McDonalds) before
} he could reveal the exact configuration of the circle.  (BTW,
} I can't say much about that, except that the prophet was neither
} a cow or a horse, or for that matter anything that belongs on a
} sesame seed bun by any bizarre stretch ofthe imagination.  That
} one's on me.)  So, they just try out random configurations every
} night, hoping to find some divine inspiration again.
}
} Can't say much else, except that if you notice your livestock
} spelling out Dan Quayle's inauguration speech in ancient Hebrew,
} get your affairs in order quick.
}
} You owe the Oracle a side of real beef.


388-05    (23811 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This year I decided to send electronic Christmas cards instead of the
> normal ones that you send through the mail.  This seems like a great
> way to save a tree.
>
> My problem is that by not buying stamps for the regular christmas cards
> I might send our country deeper into recession.
>
> What do you think.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahem.
}
} You *did* submit your question to the Oracle electronically, instead of
} using the time-honored personal method involving the sacrifice of 17
} oxen and three sheep.
}
} Did you stop to consider the effect this would have on the economic
} prospects of the raisers of oxen and sheep, and the manufacturers of
} sacrificial knives?
}
} While you are pondering your folly, though, the Oracle will, in its
} infinite wisdom and mercy, offer guidance on your original query.
}
} You have eschewed the purchase not only of postage stamps, but also of
} greeting cards, envelopes, pens, and ink.  It is, of course, the lack
} of the ink that worries the mighty Oracle so deeply.
}
} For ink is the link that puts our economy in the pink, you fink.
} Before you take another wink, so that out economy may not sink beyond
} the brink, stop to think!
}
} Save a tree?  Well, let's see!  You've saved on card money?  Spend it
} with glee...  plant a tree, or two or three!  Help local ecology!  Spur
} the economy!
}
} The almighty Oracle, through its servant The Bug Lady, hath spoken...


388-06    (13353 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a job for you! I need to know if this is familiar everywhere
> around the world! So, could you make this test with say 10 people and
> then pass me the results!
>
> Tell your victim to do the following:
>
>       1. Use your both hands to take your head off!
>       2. Put it in the table!
>       3. Rip some hair from it!
>       4. Eat it!
>
> I need to know how many people try to put that hair in the place where
> their head used to be and how many understand to put it in the mouth of
> the head in the table.
>
> I have met only one person (except me) who has done this correctly at
> the first time. Now I hope that you understood that you don't actually
> have to make anone take his/her head off, but just to act as they did
> it.
>
> I'm waiting for the results.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   While normally, I would consider this both a simplistic and juvenile
} question, I have, in fact, in all my knowledge and mental prowess,
} performed precisely this experiment. The paper to the New England
} Journal of Medicine appeared as follows:
}
}     _On_The_Behaviour_of_the_Human_Species_After_Lesion_of_the_Head_
}
} ************************************************************************
} THEORY: Upon lesion of the head, members of the human species will
} reduce their activity, their behaviour become both uninspired and
} inattentive towards their surroundings, and their learning and
} cognitive abilities will quickly diminish.
}
} METHOD: Using the random populations from sixteen towns and cities on
} three continents and in thirteen nations, I will analyze the bahavior
} of human subjects before and after lesioning the head. A total of
} seventthree subjects will be analyzed, with thier age, race, gender and
} other characteristics being completely random.
}
} RESULTS: Almost the entire population of 73 subjects responded to the
} lesioning of the head in the same manner. They immediately fell limp,
} their muscles went flacid, and they became absolutely unresponsive
} to any stimuli. A total of three subjects did not respond in this
} manner. I will discuss these subjects in detail.
}   The first was a cheiftan from a pigmy tribe in Papua, New Guinea.
} Upon research into his history, it was discovered that the tribe
} constrained their leaders to be dead, and they must remain within
} the confines of the royal castle. The cheiftan was removed from his
} throne - at great risk to this scientist - for the purposes of adding
} depth to the experiment. After studying both his behaviour before
} lesioning the head, as well as the practices of the tribe, it was
} determined that the leader had already been dead.
}   The second was a student at Ohio State University. Upon lesioning
} of his head, the student's body continued to wander aimlessly about,
} infrequently seating itself at a desk and appearing to be trying to
} write something down. When a pencil was placed in the body's hand,
} the writings produced were completely unintelligible, consistent with
} his performance before the lesioning. His head, on the other hand,
} simply stared straight forward for a long period of time, before the
} mouth began to form a word. A lip reader was consulted, and the
} word mouthed by the subject was either "Beer" or "Bogus"; it could
} not be determined exactly which of these words was said.
}   The last subject was a mystery. The sex of could not be determined,
} and except for the fact that it spoke and wrote English, it could
} not be fully determined if the subject was human. Post mortem autopsy
} revealed little in the way of sex, but the remainder of the organs
} were consistent with that of a human anatomy.
}   This subject, by far, was the most interesting of the "special
} response" group.  Upon lesioning the head, the subject leapt to its
} feet, grabbed its head, pulled at the hair, and attempted to be stuffing
} the clump of hair into its removed head.  While this behaviour pattern
} could not be explained, it continued for several seconds.  Finally, the
} body fell limp, and the head turned to me and mouthed several words.
} Then, the eyes closed, and the head exhibited all of the behavioural
} patterns consistent with that of the other subjects of the experiment.
}   The lip reader was consulted again, and reviewed videotapes of the
} session for several hours.  She was able to determine that the sentence
} mouthed by the head was either "See?  I bet that nobody else knew to try
} that!", or "What?  Why is the chicken locked on Pluto?" General
} consensus amongst the team of analysts was that the latter statement was
} mouthed, due to both its profundity and the probability of loss of
} coherent thought after removal of the head.


388-07    (12543 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Pythian and pithy Oracle, one who heard about fig wasps only
> yesterday asks: my manager says the road to Hell is paved with code
> optimizations; I say the road to Hell is paved with optimistic schedule
> estimates; which of us is right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pythian.  I like that.
}
} Well, upon examining a cross-section of the Highway to Hell (thanks,
} AC/DC!) we discover the following:
}
} Lowest layer:
}       Cobblestones
}       Gold leaf
}       Cloven hoofprints
}       Tarmac (due to the Hell resurfacing project of 34 B.C.)
}       FORTRAN compilers
}       Dante's footprints
}       the Green Bay Packers
}       good intentions
} >>>>> optimistic schedule estimates
}       Gold leaf
}       ice (I'll be da....darned!)
}       feces
}       Tarmac (due to the Hell reresurfacing project of 1292 A.D.)
}       300 baud modems
}       gravel
}       mud
}       gravel
}       mud
}       gravel
}       Roger Mudd's laundry
}       gravel
}       Tarmac (due to the Hell rereresurfacing project of 1990 A.D.
}               done by the U.S. Department of Guys Without Shirts
}               and brought in overbudget by $2,000,000)
}
} Nowhere in this cross-section do I see code optimizations, though I do
} hear in informal rumor exchange with the other Major Deities that the
} Garden Path to Nirvana contains code optimizations.
}
} You owe the Oracle an optimized fig wasp.


388-08    (04533 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have two dates this weekend.  Of course, neither knows about the
> other.  I want to go out with both of them, but I've never been able to
> keep multiple affairs going.  So, I thought I would ask an expert.  How
> do you do it?  And how do you keep Lisa from finding out?
>
> P.S.  Almost forgot the grovelling - here goes:  "Greatest Oracle, whose
> flatulence shakes the stars themselves - who belches with the power of
> an earthquake - whose skin has more oil that Saudi Arabia - O Wondrous
> Archetype of Techno-Geekness, please, please answer my question"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hm, postfix grovelling.  Kinky.
}
} The Oracle has NEVER cheated on Lisa, would never even CONSIDER the
} possibility.  The Oracle has never looked at another woman since the
} dawn of time; no other woman could even possibly begin to impinge upon
} the outermost and least significant layers of his consciousness, and
} the shadow of the echo of the thought of dating, much less touching,
} another naked, nubile, soft, quivering, luscious, warm, inviting female
} body, with skin like richest silk, breath as sweet as rose blossoms,
} eyes as deep as intergalactic space, and burying himself in her
} fragrant flesh, revelling in pure white-hot lust and-
}
} <SAY WHAT!?!>
}
} Oops.  You owe the Oracle a quick getaway.


388-09    (74112 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ain't had no funding
> [Ba da da dum]
> Since we won the Cold War
> [Ba da da dum]
> Why can't we go back
> [Ba da]
> To "Nineteen Eighty-four"?
>
> [Bum bum dum dum da dummm]
> Oh, hey there O great Oracle, I just don't know what to do
> [Be dededededede dededededede]
> I got those Military-Industrial Complex
> [Ba DUM]
> Contractor Blues
>
> We used to build rockets
> [Ba da da dum]
> And we used to build planes
> [Ba da da dum]
> Oh, why can't we get
> [Ba da]
> Andropov back again?
>
> [Bum bum dum dum da dummm]
> I'm begging you, Great Oracle, to tell me what to do
> [Be dededededede dededededede]
> I got those Post-Cold War Cold Warrior Funding Squeeze
> [Ba DUM]
> Contractor Blues

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Deedle deelde


388-10    (13551 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, to whom I am not even worthy enough to grovel before,
> answer me this question:
>
> My fortune cookie contained two fortunes.  Which one should I believe?
>
> Your Supplicant,
> -- Scott

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn straight you're unworthy.  One would hope that I, the omniscient
} Oracle or at least some mortal who was wise enough to be worthy of
} groveling would get the vaunted multiple fortune cookie, but, what can
} I do?
}
} The reason for worry is that the receipt by an unworthy petitioner of
} such a fortune cookie is a sign used by eschatologists* that the end is
} nigh:
}
} From the Notebooks of Nostradamus (Paris: Jacobin Press, 1555), p. 89:
} "And the end shall be nigh when the home of the leader of the most
} powerful nation shall be inundated by the sea; when the unworthy begin
} to receive messages upon messages even in their food; and when he who
} is seen as richest and most powerful doth cast himself into the sea
} before he is seen to be a fraud."
}
} From the newly-discovered verses of the Revelations of John, from the
} Dead Sea Scrolls"
}
} "8:6.25 And the zeroth angel sounded, the followed global warming
} mingled with cyclones and windstorms, and they were cast upon the
} earth; and the peoples of the earth began to regret not having flood
} insurance;
}
} 8:6.50 And the third part of the leaders of the earth fell away, either
} killed by their unhappy subjects, and shamed into silence, yet their
} peoples still remained poor while the rich worried about the Federal
} Funds Rate;
}
} 8:6.75 And the zeroth angel revealed special messages, which were sent
} to those regarded as the most unworthy; for not only will the meek
} inherit the earth, yet also the spiritually weak."
}
} Frightening stuff.  Better buy some put options on, say, June sulfur
} deliveries.  There's trouble on the way.
}
} [*You can look it up if you want.]
}
} You owe the oracle a privileges card to the Huntington Library.


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