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21 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 6:04:22 GMT

Internet Oracularities #389

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389, 389-01, 389-02, 389-03, 389-04, 389-05, 389-06, 389-07, 389-08, 389-09, 389-10


Usenet Oracularities #389    (21 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 1 Jan 92 19:00:55 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   389
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

389   21 votes 25b30 05466 22a61 23673 54651 3134a 12b61 145a1 12972 24654
389   3.2 mean  2.7   3.6   3.1   3.3   2.7   3.8   3.2   3.3   3.3   3.2


389-01    (25b30 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wondrous Oracle, who takes all undeserved grovels
> graciously, grant me the boon of your wisdom.
>
> What, oh what, is the biblical signifigance of the Chia pet?  And why
> have I received thirteen of these things already?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Biblical significance, you ask?
} Let's log into that database:
} % telnet bibledb.mil 666
} Trying 42.6.6.6...
} telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Joke overused
}
} Damn. It seems I have to do it the oldfashioned way. Where did I put
} that book? Oh, there it is, thank Gideon. Now which book should I put
} under the table leg?
}
} *flip* *flip* Hmm... *flip* *flip* Ah yes, here is one:
}
} Exodus 3.21: You should kill all the men, all their women and other
} animals, down to the least Chia pet!
}
} *flip* *flip* *flip*
}
} James 4.56-57: He blessed the Chia pet, although it had peed upon Him.
} And behold, the Chia pet followed Him until the day it died.
}
} *flip* *flip* That seems to be all.
}
} By the way, those Chia pets where placed on your doorstep because you
} are their father.
}
} You owe the Oracle can of peticide.


389-02    (05466 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No, it is not a problem in the Usenet Oracle software, it is just
> someone with a wierd sence of humor.
>
> You owe the Oracle a question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are trapped between time and space, between protocol and network
} interface card, you have just entered.....The USENET zone.
}
} Submitted for your consideration.  A computer major in Indiana creates
} an autoreply program, the next thing he knows it is being used by
} thousands of lovelorn, term-papered-out, bored, or just plain confused
} computer users all over the globe.  Questions are sent to other
} questioners, answers are sent back to the original questioner, an elite
} cadre of network illuminati are selected to review the matched
} questions and answers to decide which deserve to be made public and
} thus achieve at least a degree of fame, even if in anonymity.
}
} One day the software goes haywire and begins to duplicate itself,
} although this is laughingly attributed to sendmail.  Soon individual
} posters, always quick to demonstrate creativity by copying something,
} begin doing it without the assistance of the software.
}
} Querants are first chided for not groveling enough, then chided by the
} overseers for groveling too much, and finally the respondents are
} derided for insisting on too much groveling.
}
} Finally, the process is inverted, whereby the querant and respondent
} are reversed, rather like an Internet version of Jeopardy.
}
} What's it all about....Alfie?   [Oops, sorry, wrong track.]
}
} Where does it all end?  Rather like the typical Twilight Zone knockoff
} on Saturday Night Live, it doesn't.  It just keeps on going and going
} and going..
}
} BOOM!  BOOM!  BOOM!   [Damn!  I *thought* I zapped that *&^&% rabbit
} two Oracularities ago!]
}
} You owe the Oracle a 1991 Chicago Cubs World Series Ring, from one of
} the alternate but preferable realities.  [Hawking, _A Brief History of
} Time_]


389-03    (22a61 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Kindest Oracle, is there a cure for Christmas music?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene: A busy emergency room.  Children scream.  A man with a pipe
} wrench stuck in his mouth grunts angrily to the desk nurse.  The doors
} crash open, admitting a gurney pushed by two EMT's wearing earmuffs and
} frantic expressions.
}
} EMT 1: Another one!  Straight from the mall!!
}
} Patient (whispers) Frosty the Snowman...
}
} EMT 2: Quick! Get him sedated!!
}
} EMT 1 (muttering while pulling out a large needle, and searching for a
}        vein) Christ!  Where is that... Jingle bells ...vein.
}
} EMT 2 (leaping back) Jack, not you too!!
}
} EMT 1 (confused) Huh?  What's the matter?  Have a holly jolly
}   Christmas, it's the best time of the year...
}
} EMT 2: Jack, stop it!
}
} EMT 1: O little town of Bethlehem...
}
} EMT 2: Jack, I'm warning you...
}
} EMT 1: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, had a shiny nose!
}
} EMT 2 (drawing extremely large-caliber revolver) BLAM!
}
} EMT 1 (spurting blood) Silent night, holy ni... (dies)
}
} Voice-over: Please help us to find a cure for the terrible scourage of
} HIV, Holiday Inanity Virus.  It can strike anyone, and it kills.
}
} You owe the Oracle a recording of Tom Lehrer's Christmas Carol.


389-04    (23673 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle...
>
>                       Tell me something I don't know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You aren't very specific in what you're asking so I will tell
} you something that I am really quite sure you do not know and
} which came into my head just a few moments ago, and is a very
} good example of something of which you have no knowledge, and
} though there are billions and billions of things I could say,
} I won't, because it would be a waste of both of our times due
} to the fact that you would forget them all as fast as I could
} tell them to you, and if you did not, your head would explode
} from the sheer volume of facts that you don't know, but which
} I do, because after all, I am the Oracle, seer of all things,
} knower of every truth, omniscient, omnipotent, and a bunch of
} other omni- type words, living only to help you lowly, mortal
} supplicants that seem completely inept at coming up with your
} own answers but are forever having to suplicate yourselves to
} me, saying, "Oh great oracle, please tell me blah blah blah,"
} which is so very rude of you, since you always grovel so very
} little, and you always forget to capitalize my name, and then
} you just keep going right on, only one little "please" in the
} whole thing, even though I'm probably saving your butt or job
} sex life, and not a single "thank you" afterward, nothing but
} "tell me" and "bestow on me your knowledge" and all that crap
} which I am so tired of, but God said at the beginning of time
} that I had to do this, and he *is not* one to mess with, so I
} guess I seem to have no choice but to continue answering your
} questions, even if the only thing I ever get in payment is an
} entry in the oracularities, and even that is a pretty sketchy
} thing, after all, there are so many questions, and my answers
} are _always_ so good, it is amazing that they can even decide
} how good one answer is compared to another, but they are able
} to do it somehow, and I think that they seem to do a good job
} of it, considering that I haven't seen any really terrible or
} useless oracularities selected, but that may be because every
} one of them is written by me, and therefore is perfect, so it
} is possible that the priests could flip a coin each time, and
} selecting them at random, though I suppose that they probably
} don't actually use a coin, since there are many oracularities
} to consider, but they may have automated it, most likely with
} a computer program randomly choosing them, though I hope they
} are using a better random function than rand(), which toggles
} the low bit each time you use it, so as a coin simulator it's
} about as useful as a hole in your head, which you probably do
} not know what it is like to have, since you would most likely
} be dead if that were the case, not that I would want you dead
} or anything, even though you can get on my nerves, constantly
} asking for help and all, but I don't want to talk about that,
} since I already did, but instead I want to say that I do know
} what it is like to have a hole in one's head, since I, being,
} of course, omniscient, know everything, as I said before, and
} which I don't want to go into again, since I know that I know
} everything, and you know I know everything, or else why would
} you be asking me all these difficult questions, as you always
} are doing, and I'm forever giving you the correct answer, and
} never asking more than, say, your first born child, unless of
} course you forget the grovelling, which you do so often these
} days, almost as if you humans are all losing your respect for
} the Oracle, which probably is a bad idea, since I can be very
} mean when people don't grovel and still think they can demand
} that I answer a question for them, and I usually end up doing
} a bit of hand waving and mumbling of some incantations, which
} would burn your ears, and then there is a big ZOT and you can
} just say, "Hast la vista," unless, of course, you don't speak
} spanish, which is the case for the majority of people that do
} not live in South America or in Spain, but I know you already
} knew that, so that isn't a very good answer to your question,
} which wasn't actually a question, but a demand, which I would
} have usually taken offense at, but since it was such a vague,
} open question, it gave me the opportunity to go on and on and
} on and on and on for several pages about it, and about things
} in general, which I do so like to do, once in a while, mostly
} because it clears my head so wonderfully, and gives me a time
} to just get out all of my anxiety and stress, which I hope is
} not becoming a burden on you, because it's not your job to be
} my psychiatrist, but more to sit patiently and wait for me to
} give you an answer, and to grovel once in a while, and pay me
} whatever I demand for payment afterward, without grumbling or
} dragging your feet, or else there may be a ZOT in your future
} somewhere, and we don't want that, since you have been such a
} nice supplicant, very patient, very understanding, especially
} if you have managed to read this far without losing your mind
} or breaking down in tears, which I haven't done, but probably
} only because I'm the Oracle, and I have a bunch of omni- type
} words in front of my name on my letterhead, most of which say
} that i can do anything without suffering any ill effects if I
} don't choose to suffer them, which I usually do not because I
} am not very auto-masochistic, so I don't torture myself much,
} but I allow Lisa to once in a while, since Lisa does so enjoy
} doing it, and I don't mind that much, since I am always going
} to come out on top in these sort of things, and I'm sorry and
} I ask you to forgive me for that terrible pun, as it was very
} bad, as puns go, even though I do not really have to ask your
} forgiveness, since I am perfect, even though the word perfect
} doesn't start with omni, it still belongs in front of my name
} on my letterhead, which I talked about before, and which your
} billing will be sent on, as soon as I get done with answering
} your question, which I think I will do now, by telling you an
} answer to your request to be told something you don't already
} know, which is, quite simply, that this is a very long, right
} justified sentence.
}
} What?  you already had figured that out?  Then why are you
} wasting my time?!?
}
} -=>*ZOT*<=-
}
} You owe the Oracle a new keyboard.  I just wore this one out.


389-05    (54651 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" <baker@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello everybody.  I am searching a women.  Can anybody help me?
>
> I saw her in two magazines.  The first is the french "cover girls".  The
> second is the German "Die glueckliche Hand".  It`s a translation of the
> french publication "la main heureuse".
>
> The girl is laying on a white bed.  She is touching her nibbles by her
> hand couples.  In the back there is a white lamp standing on a table and
> a blue bag.
>
> Everybody who knows something about her can send me a mail (name,
> address, films she played with and so on).  I think she is a french
> girl.
>
> I am also looking for the french magazine "la main heuereuse".  Please
> tell me from where I can get this one or who sell it me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey Lisa!  Have you seen this question?
}
} - Just a second, Orrie, I can't see it right now ... could you just
}   undo this ... and this ...mmmMMMMmmm!  Now where was that question?
}
} Right here.
}
} - Hey, I remember that session!  "The Happy Hand" pays well, from what
}   I remember!  And that photographer ... he had the BIGGEST ... mmm ...
}   lens on his camera!
}
} What's this about "nibbles"?
}
} - Oh *that*.  The session was set up to look like I was preparing for a
}   party in a bedsit.  I was just reaching for the peanuts when I
}   slipped and fell on the bed.  Of course the peanuts went *everywhere*
}   so I had to resort to cheesy biscuits instead.
}
} And what are "hand couples"?
}
} - Search me!  Why don't you ask the Oracle?
}
} I *am* the Oracle ... anyway, what was the white lamp doing standing on
} the table and the blue bag?
}
} - It was a very big lamp and a very small table, so we had to prop it
}   up with the bag or it would have fallen.
}
} Hmmm ... you owe the Oracle a tub of Grow-It-Big cream.
}
} - Hey Orrie, why not ask me about the films I played with?  You should
}   have seen what I did with those poor videos!  I did THIS, and THIS,
}
} ... er, 'scuse me, urgent Oracular business calls ... GERONIMO-O-O ...


389-06    (3134a dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are standing in front of a white house with boarded up windows and
> doors. All around you is forest.
>
> There is a mailbox here.
> >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Shoot mailbox.
}
} Unfortunately, your gun is actually a transmogrifier.  The mailbox
} turns into a pony intent on oral-genital intimacy with you.
}
} > Run.
}
} Outrunning a pony is rather difficult.  You trip and fall.  The pony
} rips off your pants.
}
} > Kick pony.
}
} The pony deftly dodges your kick.  You wind up with the pony's head
} between your legs.  The pony slurps once.
}
} > Stab pony.
}
} Your knife is actually a hypodermic needle containing aphrodesiacs.
} The pony is already at maximum lust level.  The pony slurps twice.
} You moan.
}
} > Hit pony.
}
} With what?  Your bare hands?
}
} > Yes.
}
} You hit the pony, but it only moans.  The pony slurps once.  You moan
} twice.
}
} > Think about England.
}
} You think about England, but all you can think of is the horses there.
} The pony slurps twice.  You moan three times.  You are now close to
} orgasm.
}
} > Teleport.
}
} You cannot teleport.  The pony slurps once.  You orgasm with a loud
} scream.  The pony moves away.
}
} > Get up.
}
} You are now the pony's sex slave.  You cannot get up without a direct
} order.  The pony orders you to get up.
}
} > Stay still.
}
} Your penalty for disobeying the pony is one lick.  You moan once.
}
} > Get up.
}
} You follow the pony to a clothes closet.  The pony tells you to get
} dressed.  The closet contains:
}   - A silken negligee.
}   - A pair of cowboy boots.
}   - A pair of split-crotch riding pants
}   - A riding crop
}
} > quit
}
} You cannot quit.  This is real life.
}
} > quit
}
} Sorry. If you attempt to quit again, you will be punished.
}
} > ^C
}
} Your penalty for attempting to quit is four licks.  You scream and
} writhe in orgasm.
}
} > Damn you you fucking computer my pants are all sticky and I want to
} > go home NOW.
}
} The pony tells you to get dressed or suffer a further penalty.


389-07    (12b61 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wise one, please answer my most humblest of questions:
>
> How many Unix accounts is enough?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are, of course, two schools of thought regarding this question.
}
} One school believes the correct number is three per machine: one
} regular account; one with root privileges; and one no one else knows
} about in case they take away the other two. In this usage, a machine
} means a computer which physically resides in your facility, or one
} which can be reached through an electronic network or via modem. If you
} do the math, you'll get somewhere in the neighborhood of seven million
} accounts. It is important to remember to use different passwords for
} each one.
}
} The second, so-called Digital School, would answer "How many Unix
} accounts is enough?" with, "One. Two if you really don't like the
} person."


389-08    (145a1 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is an algorithm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An algorithm is an explicit procedure for solving a problem using a
} finite number of steps.  An example would be:
}
} PROBLEM: What to do about a supplicant who not only refuses to grovel,
}          but doesn't even bother thanking the Oracle for wasting
}          valuable picoseconds of its time.
}
} SOLUTION: (1) Determine whether or not punishment will be administered.
}               (a) Supplicant has probablt read the Digests and Help
}                   file and therefore knows what is expected.
}               (b) Oracle has had a bad weekend.
}
}           (1-S) Punishment will DEFINITELY be administered.
}
}           (2) Determine proper form of punishment.
}               (a) Select from menu:
}                   - Wrist slapping
}                   - Mild STD
}                   - Tongue lashing (hmmm...)
}               (b) Too mild.  Menu of more severe retributions:
}                   - Lightning bolt (nah, too easy)
}                   - Severe STD
}                   - David Duke as next door neighbor
}
}           (2-S) "More Severe" just plain sounds more fun.
}
}           (3) Determine specific punishment
}
}               (a) Extrapolate data on supplicant:
}                   * Does not know what algorithm is
}                     ** Conclude: Novice computer user, perhaps student
}                   * Asks short 4-word question
}                     ** Conclude: Shuns verbage
}                   * Boring question
}                     ** Conclude: Boring person
}
}           (4) Match traits to appropriate retribution
}
}   (whir...click...buzz...whir) <Ding!>
}
} ANSWER: Your punishment, as a boring, concise, novice computer user,
} is:
}
}    ===> A permanent transfer from the Internet to Prodigy.
}
} Have fun!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Usenet account.


389-09    (12972 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     A group of us have been arguing about this question, and we would
>     appreciate a correct answer....
>
>     What makes a "Lite Beer" a lite beer?  The ingredients on both of
>     the bottles are the same, but the lite beer has about 80 less
>     calories than the regular beer.  So, what is the difference between
>     Budweiser, and Bud Lite?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, today's your lucky day.  Not only will the Oracle deign to
} answer a question phrased without any humbleness or supplication,
} the Oracle, in her infinite wisdom, will supply an individual
} answer to each of the people in your group, so that you may continue
} arguing over it for the next decade, until the invention of the
} much-awaited "Oracle Lite."
}
} 10)  The lite beer contains half a bottle of Bud and half a bottle
}      of Philadelphia city water.
}
} 9)   Half of the alcohol molecules in the lite beer have been replaced
}      with photons, which have no mass, anyway.
}
} 8)   Less filling.  Tastes great.  Less filling.  Tastes great.  Less
}      filling.  Tastes great.  Less filling.  Tastes great.  <whack>
}      (Thanks.  Now where was I?)
}
} 7)  Normally, we top beer brewers don't give away our secrets so
}     casually.  However, I can make a special exception in your case,
}     for only two-fifty...
}
} 6)  Special patented calorie-zappers have removed the extra calories
}     from the beer during the last stages of fermentation.  Watch for
}     calorie-zappers, coming soon to your grocer's freezer, right next to
}     The National Enquirer...
}
} 5)  After a careful taste-test of several batches of both Bud and Bud
}     Lite, the Oracle has scientifically determined that <hic> <hic>
}     sagkwmcpyh sdg agwdvjh <hic> anfox, nsdog TAJLD <hic> nfksm sj.
}
} 4)  [Unfortunately, the Oracle could not record profundity #4 from the
}     floor.]
}
} 3)  The lite beer didn't eat its brocolli as a child.
}
} 2)  Lite beers are actually weighed on the surface of the moon.
}
} 1)  Lite beers have been chosen as The Emperor's New Beer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of stout, which she needs after spending
} this much time thinking about lite beers...
}
} The Oracle, in its incarnation as The Bug Lady, hath spoken.


389-10    (24654 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, the national enquirer has an issue out entitled ``1992
> predictions'' or something like that where they have supposed experts
> predict what will happen in 92.  So, did they ask you magnificent one?
> If so what did you tell them?  If not why not impart some of your vast
> knowledge of the future to your humble servants?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, I was invited to contribute to their fortune telling issue.  It
} wasn't so cool; I don't like to associate with such pikers.  They asked
} me a couple magnificent ones, but since I refuse to deal with questions
} about Elvis, I didn't contribute.  No biggie, dude.
}
} Let me lay some fortunes on you all here, since I've got your eyes'
} attention.  Like, during the annual federal budget negotiations in
} Washington, DC, the funding lines for the NSF and the NEA will be
} switched, providing jobs for thousands of out-of-work performance
} artists who will now begin demonstrating their conceptual antics
} electronically.  In a slightly related development, the US Supreme Court
} will declare that the Usenet Oracle (me) is the leader of an established
} electronic religion, and that worship and propagation takes place over
} federally-funded media, constituting the governmental recognition of a
} religion.  Madeline Murray O'Hare will get an email account.  Internet
} operators will take to hosting telethons to raise money and sacrificing
} Sparc stations on pyres to the Sun god.
}   The MS Windows interface will be recognized as an ornganized religion,
} allowing Microsoft to declare tax-exempt status, and negating once and
} for all Apple's lawsuit.  Grand High Epopt Bill Gates will die from
} excess of wealth.  Microsoft will reveal that it has bought the
} electronic rights to the US Bill of Rights, the Declaration of
} Independence, and the Magna Charta, whereupon lawsuits will be installed
} against all countries operating by democracy for look-and-feel patent
} infringements.
}
} Stay cool; you owe the Usenet Oracle a lifetime subscription to the
} Weekly World News.


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