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Internet Oracularities #39

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39, 39-01, 39-02, 39-03, 39-04, 39-05, 39-06, 39-07, 39-08, 39-09, 39-10


Usenet Oracularities #39
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 31 Oct 89 23:58:28 GMT

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39-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   O Wise Oracle,
>
>      What is with this proliferation of babes in the computer room
>      late at night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Someone's forking off all kinds of child processes!  This isn't a
} computer room, it's a goddam nursery!


39-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who the heck is Gizelle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny you should ask.
}
} Way, way, way back when I was a freshman at UoTG (University of The
} Gods, a most horrid place, what with campus stretching all over the nine
} levels of Hell, and not even a decent salad bar at the dorms.) I was
} reading the personal ads in the campus paper (The Immortal Daily) when I
} came across the following ad:
}
}             TO THE ORACLE WHO WEARS RED:  in Zeus Hall, 9:30-10:30
}             MWF, room 113.  Look up and smile at me.
}
} Now, I was normally not one to panic at such drivel, but then I realized
} that the room and time in question just happened to coincide with my
} Atlantean Literature class, and I always wore red to that class (at the
} time, I was cosidering a change of major to Fire-God from Oracle, but
} that was just an infatuation with a succubus named Brenda.  Now, I was
} young then, not quite past my 18th century, and was quite amazed that
} out of all the Immortals on campus, I, a lowly Freshman Oracle, recieved
} a personal from, I hoped, a young Wood Nymph.
}
} Well, later that week, I saw my admirer (the first of many).  She turned
} out to be a Barbarian Death Goddess-In-Training.  She looked much like
} the lead singer for Los Lobos, but her beard was longer.  I started
} wearing black to class.
}
} Later, while sitting on the Pantheon steps, I accidentally find myself
} not 10 feet away from the Barbarian Death Goddess.  She, of course,
} comes over and initiates a conversation.  Admittedly, it was a bit
} one-sided, as I had not yet discovered the glory in maiming and smoting
} the enemies of my people, which she imparted upon me with much detail
} (during the part about the comsumption of the enemy clan's elder's
} entrails, streams of drool kept getting caught in her beard.  Ugh.).
}
} Then, as Fate would have it, my friend Wayne (he later became a
} Forest-God, and then one of the Mountain Kings) walked by on his way to
} Continent Creation 120.  Desparate for an interruption, I flagged him
} down.  As I introduced him to the Barbarian, I realized I didn't know
} (or had forgotten) the Goddess-In-Training's name.
}
} "Gizelle," she said, and hit me with her Staff of Drought and Famine.
}
} And that is who Gizelle is.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fiddle made of gold.


39-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     O Great Oracle,
>
>     Why oh why was I up at 2:30 in the morning writing a story about
>     Nat and Brian and the mistakes they made?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you are trying to become a Great Author, and this requires Pain
} and Suffering and Sacrifice and Lack of Sleep and Agony and Having your
} Teeth Extracted Without Anaesthetic and Total Abject Misery and Being
} Stabbed Repeatedly with Sharp Branches Covered with Tiny Splinters and
} Generally Being Unhappy.
}
} You owe the oracle an autographed copy of your first book.


39-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do we never see Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson in the same
> picture?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mike and Janet fight like wildcats.  You see, Michael Jackson is really
} E.  Gordon Liddy, and Janet Jackson is really Indira Ghandi, both under
} the FBI's witness relocation program.  They really don't get along.


39-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a merlip?  Can I wear one to the Arts and Roses ball?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A merlip is a fishy condition caused by doing things that would get you
} arrested in Georgia.  Don't wear one to the Arts and Roses ball.  It's
} bound to get you looked at.  If you are the kind of person who likes
} being looked at, go ahead.
}
} You owe the Oracle four gallons of blood, payable immediately.


39-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I choking?  I didn't

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    By the ending of this message, the Oracle believes respiration
} has ceased.  Since there is no longer respiration, there can be no
} life.  Therefore the question is now deemed rhetorical.


39-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are muskrats more competant than emus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Man, I tell ya, being an Oracle is a bitch.  You get all sorts of
} snively-ass questions about the most simple problems.  Respect?  Ha.
}
} Okay, all right.  Wazz yer problem?  Muskrats and emus?  It'll never
} work.  It'll never sell.  But it truly is amazing how things evolve in
} this crazy industry.  Way back in the beginning, there was Teco (Those
} were the good days!).  Then along came emacs.  And now?  Emus?  And as
} for user interface shit, people wanna to build a better mouse (the heck
} with the mousetrap), so they ask - what's better than a mouse?  A rat!
} But rats smell.  So sell them muskrats.  Go figger.  And are people
} happy with being competitive?  No - they want to be competant, whatever
} that is.  Hell, I'd settle for a competent file clerk.
}
} where was I?  Muskrats, emus?  Chuck them all.  Go back to your friggin
} abucus, fer christsakes.  Go find me a chocolate shake.  Muskrats, emus?
} Whadda ya wanna do, sleep with them?  Here's your answer - if I find you
} with my poodle, you're pizza, buddy.


39-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what for do i minasize this question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first off, you should study the syntax of the functions. Then you
} should evaluate the expressions.
}
} So -
} what requires 1 qualifier, and one expression, returns answer.
} for must then be the qualifier to what.
} do just does, requires two expressions (from, to) and a third to do.
} i is the first expression for do
} minasize is the second
} this is what the do should do, which in this case is a null operator
}   because this has no meaning yet.
} question? is a reverse order function which forces evaluation of the
} previous expression.
}
} thus:
}     (what for (do (i,minasize) (this))) question?
} or
}     question: (what for (do (i,minasize) (this)))
} and since this means nothing, i and minasize are never evaluated
} (since this is a lazy language), do does nothing with this, no
} matter the size of mina.
} thus:
}     question: what for
} or
}     what for?
} which should be immediately evaluated by the compiler (since it
} need not be run because it can always be evaluated), and the
} system should reply:
}
} That for.
}
} got any pickles?


39-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I can't say the word "m,.e4fl" correctly without mangling it totally
> beyond recognition.  I can't even write it.  Why?  What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Firstly, the e is silent.  That causes confustion for most people due
} to the 4 following.  The ,.  dipthong is pronounced with a alveolar pop
} caused by holding the tongue against the alveolar ridge and creating a
} vacuum between the tongue and ridge, then releasing it.  It sounds like
}
} < mmmm <click> forfull >
}
}   As for writing it, that's stupid.  You had to just to ask the
} question.
}
}   As for what you can do, that seems nonsequitur to this line of thought
} and is somewhat open ended.  At least I know you can type.


39-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do nice looking, plesant women always end up with doufis men?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Doufis, a fierce tribe of Arabian warriors, dwells in the Sahuh, the
} northern part of the Saraha Desert.  They are bold and fierce, and ride
} swift horses.  They make raiding excursions into the Plesant, a more
} civilized region, in which the people have grown soft and unable to
} protect themselves.  The Doufis take what they value:  gold and silver,
} fine wines, spices, ferrets, and nice looking Plesantine women.
}
} You owe the oracle a hookah


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