[IO]
Internet Oracle
17 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:51:23 GMT

Internet Oracularities #390

Goto:
390, 390-01, 390-02, 390-03, 390-04, 390-05, 390-06, 390-07, 390-08, 390-09, 390-10


Usenet Oracularities #390    (30 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 6 Jan 92 10:18:10 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   390
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

390   30 votes 94a61 0ca35 28c53 0b694 29d24 4a763 2ad41 27885 49a61 47973
390   2.9 mean  2.5   3.0   3.0   3.2   2.9   2.8   2.7   3.2   2.7   2.9


390-01    (94a61 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, who groks the whole of the universe AND how
> you can understand it with a piece of fairy cake, please tellme...
>
> Where exactly did this crater come from, and how did it get HERE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Silly mortal, the crater has always been there, but you haven't
} noticed it since it has been filled with dirt and covered by grass.
}
}    You owe the oracle another grenade.


390-02    (0ca35 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh dear, sweet, all-knowing, Oracle,
>
> I am perplexed and confused, and I had to turn to you. My question:
> When you close your eyes, are you invisible? I mean, really, how can
> you be sure? I've closed my eyes and snapped photpgraphs, and sometimes
> I'm in the picture and sometimes not. What gives? Also, does that
> 'fridge light stay on when you close the door?
>
> Your's in affection,
> zo.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, zo, that's one of those strange, philosophical questions.
} The new Webster's Oracular Standard defines "invisible" as "not readily
} seen; hidden from view."  Ergo, when you have closed your eyes,
} *everything but your eyelids* is invisible...to you.
}
} Now, obviously, the dictionary was vague enough to leave some doubt as
} to whether or not you are invisible to others.  (The strange photos you
} mentioned were caused by the extra letter "P" in the film; thus, the
} photpgraphs.) In the interests of science, Lisa and I will now attempt
} an experiment.
}
} O:  Lisa, come here.
}
} L:  Yes, snookie?
}
} O:  Let's try something.  I'm going to close my eyes, and you let me
}     know if you can see me afterward.
}
} L:  Oooooo!  Let's!
}
} O:  Okay, my eyes are closed now.
}
} L:  Orry?  Where did you go?  <giggle>  I'd better feel around for
}     you...oh, what's that?
}
} O:  Oooooooooo.......
}
} <censored>
}
} Well, that seems to cover that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new bulb for the fridge...mine NEVER lights up.


390-03    (28c53 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, I call upon your infinite wisdom to bring an end to
> suffering on Earth.
>
> Where is the line between criminality and mental illness?  Some
> vices (gambling, alcoholism, etc.) are treated as illnesses while
> others (prostitution, Schedule I drugs, etc.) are treated as criminal
> offenses.  In general, is all criminality mental illness?  And what
> can we do about it, Oracle?  The world really needs the answer!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to another session of Ask Dr. Oracle! Tonight's show is a
} special one, kids! We will feature three prominent guests:
} Ted Kennedy, Oliver Stone, and G. Gordon Liddy. Welcome, guests!
} (Polite Clapping)
} First question goes to Mr. Stone. Mr. Stone? Mr. Stone, are you
} with us?
} Stone: Oh, yeah. Right! I was trippin'. Had this great idea for a
} movie. Conspiricy theories, babes, the mob. Music by The Doors, I
} figure I'll call it something original, like "JFK".
} Kennedy: Mr. Stone! I'm here to assure you that there was no
} conspiricy, other than your blatant attempt to slander this great
} system of government. The Kennedy family stands today for what
} it has always stood for...
} Liddy: Gun running, prostitution, drugs. Say, don't any of the Kennedy
} family ever *work*?
} Kennedy: Excuse me, Mr. Liddy, but I'd rather speak to a man with
} convitions, rather than one, like yourself, who has been convicted.
} Stone: There you all go again! Blame the government. Escape from
} reality. Anybody wanna go outside and roll a few? Got a new shipment
} in yesterday from Mexico.
} Kennedy: Why do I feel lost in this conversation?
} Stone: I dunno, Ted. Water under the bridge, perhaps?
} Liddy: Come now, Oliver! Ted's not that far to the left, you know,
} The bridge was narrow. The girl was naked. He came up for air several
} times.
} Stone: Hmmm. Sounds like a conspiricy! Can I buy the rights, Ted?
} Oracle: Ahem! Gentlemen, and Mr. Kennedy. We seem to have lost
} track of our initial question...
} Stone: Could you repeat the question? I was wasted...
} Liddy: Life isn't fair.
} Kennedy: I haven't made up my mind about 1996 yet. President Quayle,
} or President Kennedy. Which makes you more comfortable?
} Oracle: Well, folks, I guess some questions just can't be answered.
} Tune in tomorrow when my special guest is the lovely Lisa, who shows
} us several fun new uses for Wesson oil! Until next time, kids!
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to C-Span.


390-04    (0b694 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and glorious Oracle, who understands why THE ANSWER is 42,
> pleeeeeeease deign to tell me
>
> how many beans make five?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, at a secret meeting of the Amalgated Institute of
} Existentialist Electrical Electronic Factorial (AIEEE!) that the Oracle
} can only disclose now, THE ANSWER has been redefined to be the as-yet
} unkown 10**21st and 10**32nd places of decimal of pi, due to the fact
} that Deep Thought has temporarily swapped itself onto 360K floppies.
} The Oracle hears that the swap-in has reached disk no. 7,284,374 at
} this stage, so normal processing should be rersumed within the decade.
}
} As to the infinitely more challenging question of beans making five,
} this really depends on the bean-display-unit resolution and the
} BeanGraphics (TM) protocol being used. As is known, modern bean display
} units can display a resolution of up to 1024*1024 beans. However, the
} problem of resolution, as with old raster-display video technology, is
} that the beans begin to decay after a time, and by the time all million
} or so beans have been displayed, those that were placed first tend to
} have decayed. However, new LCD (Legume Continuity Device) technology
} which replaces the traditional single bean-placing person with two
} operating simultaneously shows promise, also for non-monochrome
} display, as one person can be laying down kidney beans and the other
} adzuki beans, which allows for an apparent 1024 colours with new
} BeanMasher anti-aliasing technology (actually a standard garden
} roller).
}
} So to get beans to make five, the above technology is suitable, and an
} aesthetically pleasing BeanMan Medium 96-point typeface is advised,
} with the viewer sitting not closer than 10 meters from the BGA (Bean
} Graphics Adaptor) display. Approximately 4608 beans are thus required
} to make five at this resolution. However, HD display (Horticultural
} Dementia) technology is making great advances these days, and it is
} hoped that the use of bean sprouts will further improve matters so as
} to be able to use as many as 12,000 beans to make five.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trowel and some air-freshener.


390-05    (29d24 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How's about some bondage and humiliation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the normal run of affairs, questions to the Oracle are requests for
} information, by which the humble petitioner partakes infinitessimally
} in the miraculous pool of knowledge possessed by the godlike and truly
} amazing Oracle.  Instead, your question is a request for an experience.
}  Despite the unorthodoxy of this format, the Oracle has decided to look
} with favor upon your request.
}
} Brace yourself.
}
} <FOOP!>
}
} See the tall lady dressed entirely in leather?  See the fearsome array
} of iron and leather tools hanging from the wall behind her?  See the
} thick rubber straps holding your limbs to the rough, iron-studded oaken
} table upon which you lie, utterly helpless, your tender skin pierced in
} several places by large, rusty nails?  See the pink ballerina's costume
} you are wearing?  See the lust-crazed boar about to deflower whatever
} orifices of your body seem handy?  See the large hairy man sitting
} beside your head, preparing to feed you spoonfuls of excrement?
}
} <POOF!>
}
} Wasn't that fun?  Don't you feel dominated and humiliated?  Would you
} like to do it again?  You would?
}
} <FOOP!>
}
} You owe the Oracle your deep and unreserved thanks.
}
} Now.


390-06    (4a763 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me about subscriber trunk dialing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Subscriber Drunk Dialing is not a thing to be taken lightly.  There are
} federal mandates against the act, and substantial penalties established
} against it in most states.  Although the Oracle can not encourage any
} activities which may be against national, state, local, or natural law,
} the Oracle diffidently suggests that the best way  to perform Drunk
} Dialing is with several friends and a video camera. Several quarts of
} Everclear are  also suggested. By the way, did you  know that if one
} million Drunk Dialers dialed one number a second, they'd eventually tap
} into the line that the Pentagon uses to order Domino's pizza? Amazing,
} isn't it?
}
} Oh, _Trunk_ Dialing.  Well.  You can dial any trunk you like.  They
} won't answer.  Elephants prefer to keep to themselves.  They normally
} have unlisted trunks.  Not that I blame them; I get too much traffic
} myself.  Steamer trunks aren't much more responsive; being made of
} felled trees, they are often impassive and resign themselves to inert
} states.
}
} Since you haven't groveled sufficiently, zap zap and all that.  You're
} dead.  I'm going back to the party, stop bothering me.
}
} You owe the Usenet Oracle Marla Maples' unlisted phone number and a
} case of Georgia peaches.  Or something else which looks good in high
} heels.


390-07    (2ad41 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wonderous Oracle, whose spiffiness is truly spiffy, please tell me:
>
> Will anything really strange happen to me in 1992?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Will anything strange happen to you?  Hmmm, let's see....
}
} Event queue ORACLE_BATCH, on USENET::
}     /BASE_PRIORITY=3 /CPUWISDOM=INFINITE /CPUMAXIMUM=INFINITE
}     /JOB_LIMIT=2 /OWNER=[ORACLE] /PROTECTION=(TROJAN-ENZ)
}     /WSDEFAULT=1000 /WSEXTENT=12000 /WSQUOTA=3000
}
}   Jobname         Username     Entry          Status
}   -------         --------     -----          ------
}   EVENTS_1992     QUERENT_15259  885          Holding until  2-JAN-1992
}     21:12 Submitted  1-JAN-1992 21:10 /NOLOG /PRIORITY=100
}     File: _ORACLE$DUA2:[ORACLE.1992.AH]EVENT_BATCH.COM;5
}
} Hmmm.  Okay.....
} $ TYPE EVENT_BATCH.COM
}
}     File: _ORACLE$DUA2:[ORACLE.1992.AH]EVENT_BATCH.COM;5
} $ SET DEF ROOT
} $ RUN SYS$SYSEXE:FULL_GOOSE_TREATMENT
}
} Aha!  The answer is Yes.  Some highlights you can expect:
}
}       You will be in the media spotlight, but the stories about the
}       hippo and the mentholatum will prove to be false;
}
}       Raisa Gorbechev will mention you in her next book, earning the
}       jealous Yeltsin and the pity of Mikhael.  The cold war will begin
}       again as a result;
}
}       Your toes will be dissolved by killer snails from South America;
}
}       You will join a union;
}
}       You will be linked to Cher and Michael Landon's ghost;
}
}       Madonna will autograph a cone bra for you.  Sean Penn will punch
}       you for it.
}
} This should all occur by Wednesday.  Let me know how it goes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tire.


390-08    (27885 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is faster than light travel possible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, sure. Watch!
}
} Would you like to see me do it again?


390-09    (49a61 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle that more doctors would take with them if they were going to
> be stranded on a desert island, please allay my qualms and riddle me
> this: if marsey dohts, and dosey dohts, and little lambseydivey, and
> also given that a kiddledeydivey too, then how does it follow that i
> should too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The song commonly known as "Marsey dohts" has been horribly distorted
} from its original form, by the same people that put happy endings on
} fairy tales.  Some people may think that child abandonment, incest,
} vivsection, and cannibalism don't make good children's stories, but I
} for one am sick and tired of this Pollyanna censorship trend.  After
} all, children need to learn that life is not all gingerbread houses
} and free porridge.
}
} In the interest of setting the record straight once and for all, here
} are the ORIGINAL lyrics.
}
}       Baresy darts and wolvsey darts and
}       Little snakesy dieballs.
}       A battlydieball stew.  Wouldn't you?
}
} You owe the Oracle a map of the Black Lodge.  And a donut.


390-10    (47973 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is life so unfair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, I was hoping you'd ask that question...
}
} It would appear that you have fallen victim to an event that we in the
} upper reaches of the intellect like to refer to as a
} non-beneficial-commooccurence (NBCO).  This would account for the
} question you ask.  It is less likely that you have fallen prey to a
} NBUO (non-beneficial-uncommooccurence).  If that were the case, you
} would probably be searching for real help instead of filing a minor
} complaint with an agency that you know damn well couldn't care less.
}
} Of course, it is entirely plausible that you yourself are a NBCA (non-
} beneficial-common-annoyance), and are just asking this question to be
} silly.
}
} But in the interest of sincerity, sensitivity, and fostering a false
} but good reputation, I will assume that you are a victim of either a
} NBCO or a NBUO.  So I will answer your question without further delay.
}
} Life is a series of encounters with people, each of which can be
} classified in this way:
}
}       Each person is either +, -, or neutral in each of the following
}               categories:
}
}       [W]illingness to depend on other people,
}       [N]eed to depend on other people,
}       [P]hysical attractiveness,
}       [I]nternal perception of physical attractiveness,
}       [M]eta-awareness of every aspect of life experience.
}
}       Each person is also either mf (male preferring females), fm
}       (female preferring males), mm (male homosexual), etc.
}
} So, I would be classified as -W-N+P+I+Mmf.  A plain looking girl who
} was very trusting but kind of ditzy might be classified as +WNP-I-Mfm.
} An extremely ugly egotistic sexually active bisexual male rugged
} individualist who is into group sex and bestiality might be classified
} as:
}               -W+N-P+I-Mmfpdgfpdgfspmdgsf*pmdsgfpmdgsfz.
}
}               (s=sheep, d=dog, etc...
}                       *=whatever happens to walk by under it's own
}                       power)
}
} Most other aspects of personality can be deduced from knowing these
} simple basic facts about a person.
}
} Now, of course, you don't just meet people.  You are also subjected to
} RSE's (random stupid events) which are either beneficial, harmful, or
} just plain stupid.
}
} Now: Your goal is to avoid the Harmful RSE's, laugh at the stupid
} RSE's, eat up the beneficial RSE's, all while attempting to become
} WN+PI+M?? and meeting only other WN+PI+M??'s.
}
} And during all this, you must meet one WN++++PI+M?? of the appropriate
} sexual type and orientation, and you must change to a +W for this
} person.  And own a BMW before you're 30.
}
} So, why is life unfair?  Because to become a WN+PI+M?? you must first
} admit to yourself that at the moment you're probably just a
} -W+N-P+I-M?? or not much better.  Also, BMW's can be well over $50,000.
}  And the number of +M's who have that many +'s before their P and are
} actually of the correct sexual type and orientation is, well, zero.
}
} Sorry.
}
} But cheer up anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle an empty question queue.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org