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Internet Oracularities #391

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391, 391-01, 391-02, 391-03, 391-04, 391-05, 391-06, 391-07, 391-08, 391-09, 391-10


Usenet Oracularities #391    (33 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 8 Jan 92 16:42:47 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   391
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

391   33 votes 7aa51 6b862 69e31 03ed3 4f932 af413 3ca62 18d83 139c8 7f713
391   2.8 mean  2.5   2.6   2.5   3.5   2.5   2.2   2.8   3.1   3.7   2.3


391-01    (7aa51 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and telemelitrous Oracle, please tell me how you would answer
> if a supplicant asked, "In a fight between Doctor Doolittle and Mary
> Poppins, who would win?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you ever seen a man win in a fight with a woman?  I didn't think
} so...


391-02    (6b862 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham@bra0116.wins.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     I am running SQL*Net TCP/IP for Multinet on VAX/VMS. Whenever a
>     SQL*Net Client tries to connect to the databse instance, I have
>     been getting the following message:
>
>     CONNECT REQUEST FROM HECVAX.HUMAN.CORNELL.EDU AT 3-DEC-91 12:27:46
>     ORASRV PROCESS (PID=015E, PNO=00) CREATED
>     ORASRV PROCESS (PID=015E) HAS EXIT STATUS 340
>     ERROR: ORASRV has exited unexpectedly (with status 340)
>     ORASRV PROCESS (PID=015E, PNO=00) DELETED
>     KILL REQUEST FROM HECVAX.HUMAN.CORNELL.EDU AT 3-DEC-91 12:57:05
>
>     It used to run OK.  I have a TAR with Oracle but no onenhas been
>     able to resolve the problem.  Does anyone have any idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First off, buddy, I'm the USENET Oracle!  NOT some SQuirreL*NET
} database package.
}
} Now, as to your problem, the key is in the client address, to wit:
}
}          HECVAX.HUMAN....
}
} It's HUMAN error, obviously.   Go down tho the HUMANities department
} and tell them to keep their grubby Liberal (non-partisan these days)
} Arts paws OFF your machine until you can cure it of its VMS infection
} and give it a good dose of UNIX
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Gupta Technology's DBMS source.


391-03    (69e31 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
> I know - I'm not worth being your shoe-shine boy - but PLEASE tell me:
>
> How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?
>    _
> _ // Barbarus hic ego sum quia non intellegor ulli.
> \X/  Anyway, life's a Bratwurst.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only one: I-95.  All the way from Maine to Florida.  Only then can he
} be called a man.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Route 66."


391-04    (03ed3 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham@bra0116.wins.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose pickup has the loudest pipes and the most lights, and
> whose belly has the largest belt buckle I have ever seen cover a pair
> of Wrangler jeans, and whose boots have the most cow dung on them,
> please tell me:
>
>     Why did my cows eat all of the leaves off the bushes around my
>     house and how did they get across the fence into my yard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The got over the fence using an Acme Cow-a-Pult, as seen on TV and
} Monty Python.  Just $19.95 plus shipping and handling, guaranteed to put
} some boost into Bossie, the Cow-a-Pult has an adjustable trajectory dial
} the that goes from fence-hopping to moon shots.  Get yours today!
}  They ate all of the leaves from around your "bushes" because knew
} precisely what they ACTUALLY were.  This also gives you an explanation
} to the question I can see lurking in your mind:  "Why are my cows lying
} flat on their backs giggling?"
}
}  You don't owe the Oracle anything:  you'll need all you have for court
} costs once the DEA arrives, which they should be in...  oh...  fifteen
} minutes.  Have a nice day.


391-05    (4f932 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise, though with the most discerning brain, whose
> comment are always insightful, knowing, and knowledgeable.  Who is the
> most perceptive being in the universion.  Whose sage advise we all heed
> without question.  Whose mind is most keen, contemplative, and
> reflective.  Whose wit is both sharp and shrewd.  Who is definatly the
> most canny, discreet, foresighted, perspicacious, sagacious, bright,
> and intelligent being ever to send a packet on the internet.  Whose
> words are cagey, foresighted, crafty, cunning, and tricky.  Who is
> always in the groove, and definatly not born yesterday.  Who is often
> bold, cheeky, forward, fresh, impudent, nervy, pert, procacious, sassy,
> smart-alecky, arrogant, brash, cocky, flippant, impertinent, lippy,
> saucy, dull, btuse, slow, unaware, unknowing, careless, heedless,
> imprudent, indiscreet, short-sighted, foolish, and unwise.  Who has an
> intelegence that is astonishing, astounding, miraculous, prodigious,
> strange, stupendous, surprising, wonderful, wondrous.  Whose very words
> are the ultimate pleasure to hear.  Who is definately the most
> wonderfull person I have ever had the good fortune to speak to.  I ask
> you:
>
>       Do you really read these messages carefully?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nope.  Just compute a 11-bit CRC of the first line and use that as an
} index into a table of Fate Capsules.  Not real clever, but it works
} as well as IBM's finest -- and a damn sight better than anything the
} NSA can do.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 12-bit CRC handbook.


391-06    (af413 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and powerful Oracle, please HELP!!!
>
> Our test scripts are FAILING!!!  No recovery procedure is effective!!!
>
> WHAT DO WE DO??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are several differenct solutions. Here are just a few of them:
}
}       1. Give Up!
}       2. Hit the books and learn how to write scripts right!
}       3. Go ask someone who has already asked someone else!
}       4. Have a lunch break and try again with better luck!
}       5. Wake Up!
}
} You owe the Oracle a functioning test script.


391-07    (3ca62 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, utmost Oracularity of blinding radiance of wisdom, plase tell me
> what an "audiobiography" is. Do so, and I will never leave your toes
> uncovered by my lips.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Contrary to popular belief, an audiobiography is not about cars.  It
} is actually the life story of Audie Murphy, which became so popular
} that the word was invented for it.
}
} Other famous life stories are the Mammography (Auntie Mame), the
} Pornography (Hugh Hefner), the Stenography (the gun), and Liposuction
} (the story of a man who walked around with a can of V8 stuck to his
} face because he tried to open it with his teeth.  The Oracle is NOT
} making this one up).
}
} You owe the Oracle your life story.


391-08    (18d83 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have here a copy of the Very Strange Version of the Bible, wherein
> it is written:
>
> 1. Blessed are the peacocks, for they have extremely gaudy tails and
> nasty voices.
> 2. Blessed are the nosy, for they shall have their appetite for gossip
> satiated.
> 3. Blessed are the hydrogenated, for they shall remain stiff, yea,
> even unto the hottest of days.
> 4. Blessed are the smooth, for they need not be sanded.
> 5. Blessed are the primitive, for theirs is the Kingdom of Bogo-Bogo.
> 6. Blessed are the creepy, for they shall creep forth upon the earth
> and multiply and so perform all manner of deeds, and they shall be
> as seagulls unto the Footmen Heaven.
> 7. Blessed are the rabbits, for they shall inherit Australia.
> 8. Blessed are the reprehensible, for they shall be reprehensed.
> 9. Blessed are the verbose, for they shall be given many words pickled
> in dilled vinegar, and lo!  those words shall be crunchy and
> pungent, and suitable for the garnishment of sandwiches.
>
> What does it mean, O Wise Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means that the Great and Holy Prophet Jehorziah has been at the
} sacramental wine again.  Sorry about that; we'll take care of it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large pot of strong coffee, and a dozen raw eggs.


391-09    (139c8 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle:
>
> You are standing at the end of a dirt road, with blue gargoyles
> spouting flames from their ears standing on pedistals on either side.
> At the end of the road is a small temple to Tolkien.  In the road is a
> two-handed sword.  You are wearing blue tights and a crown of laurel
> leaves.
> >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you bend over to pick up the sword, two things happen.  The big
} lunch of bean burrito's betrays you with a loud gaseous cloud that
} instantly ignites into a blue flame spawned from the gargoyle's flaming
} ears.  At the same time your tights split from waist band to waist
} band.  Spurred on by a pain in the rear and acute embarassment you rush
} into the temple.
}
} Oracle: Well, what have we here?
}
} You look around, trying to cover yourself with the sword, at once
} awkward and dangerous.  "Is that you, Oracle?"
}
} "Indeed it is, and what a pleasure to once again have a supplicant
} apply for the priesthood by offering himself in the ancient way!"
}
} "Uh, what do you mean, I was just..."
}
} "No, do not explain, I understand.  Doubts arise at the last moment,
} but I will help you overcome them.  Just place them on the alter and
} use the sword quickly, it won't even hurt."
}
} "Hey, you can't mean _I_ should..."
}
} "Sigh... Alright I'll do it for you, but it would have been more
} impressive had you done it yourself."
}
} "Whoa, wait just a sec..... YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
}
} The Oracle appreciates your visit, your debt is paid in full.


391-10    (7f713 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, what is this program...
>                                       I dunno, you started it, you...
> No way, it just started by itself...
>                                       Nah, I doubt, let me see...
>                                       Now, what did you do?
> I just pressed this button and...
> Hey, whos that guy with leather
> sandals and white toga? He's coming
> here! What does he want...
>                                       I dunno, he doesn't like too
>                                       friendly to me, or what...
> Look, he's waving at us...
>                                       I don't think show! It looks more
>                                       like he's throwing stones at us!
>                                       Hey man, why are you throwing
>                                       stones at us? We haven't done
>                                       anything! Or have we?
> Hey, this is not nice any more...
> I want out! HELP HELP ...
>                                       Ok, try Ctrl-Alt-Del...
> You stupid asshole, this ain't no
> PC, this is a Sparc workstation!
>                                       Well, Hmmm, try L1-A-B, that
>                                       should work...
>
>                                       Quickly, hurry, AUCH, that hurts,
>                                       do it NOW
> Ok, just a sec...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, yeah, you need help.  Try beating yourself with a Oracle help
} manual until you achieve enligntenment.


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