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Internet Oracularities #392

Goto:
392, 392-01, 392-02, 392-03, 392-04, 392-05, 392-06, 392-07, 392-08, 392-09, 392-10


Usenet Oracularities #392    (29 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 10 Jan 92 09:25:00 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   392
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

392   29 votes 4a762 8d440 36c35 5a842 33995 64883 56a80 448b2 47684 022af
392   3.0 mean  2.7   2.1   3.0   2.6   3.3   2.9   2.7   3.1   3.0   4.3


392-01    (4a762 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Oracle!  Catch!
>
> rhino
> bearded clam
> gerbil
> worm
> rabbi
> banshee
> slime slug
>
> What'll you do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here, mortal user, catch!
}
} Godzilla
} nuclear warhead
} large asteroid
} stock market crash
} Maury Povitch
} pit bulls
} endorsement by Dan Quayle
}
} You owe the Oracle...
}
}   Hello?


392-02    (8d440 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and omnipotent Oracle who knows everything including my
> humble question, please answer it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course, my most humble and deserving questioner. For is it not
} written in the great Guide to the Usenet Oracle that I will correctly
} answer any question put to Me? And, for your thoughtful and intelligent
} question, as well as for your deeply meaningful grovel, it is with
} great pleasure that I will answer your question.
}
} No, Thor, I don't know where you misplaced Mjolnir. Go ask Loki, he's
} usually to blame. And no, I haven't seen him recently, either. Now go
} back to playing with your toys and leave me be.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ringside seat at Ragnarok, and the popcorn
} franchise.


392-03    (36c35 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hows about some bondage and humiliation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, again?  You just can't get enough of this stuff, can you?  The
} Oracle is not normally so patient and forebearing, but we can go
} through this one more time.
}
} Follow the instructions precisely.
}
} 1) Buy 500 ft of nylon rope.
} 2) Cut four three-foot lengths of rope.
} 3) Strip naked and paint your body with whatever seems interesting in
}    your kitchen.
} 4) Lie down on the bed with the corner posts.
} 5) Tie your ankles to two posts.
} 6) Tie the other two lengths to the other posts, and tie a slip knot in
}    each length.  Leave very little slack.
} 7) Insert each hand into a loop, and pull them tight.
}
} Now relax.  I've phoned your mother and invited her to your place for
} dinner.  She should arrive in a few hours.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more interesting hobby.


392-04    (5a842 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was walking past McDonald's yesterday when I noticed something
> strange. A man with a purple overcoat was sitting by the bike rack in
> front of Burger King.  He had a yellow cap and a small lapel pin that
> read "askme".  I thought it rather strange that I could read the pin
> since Burger King is at least half a mile from MickeyD's.  So I decided
> to eat at JimmyJohn's, since it is past both of them.  As I got within
> a quarter mile of the man, I realized that he was staring at me.  Even
> though he was that far away, I could tell that he was staring directly
> at my left shoulder, since that was the one that started feeling very
> warm.  I knew the sign next to the man said "No Loitering" in big red
> letters, but I couldn't read it yet as I was too far away.  But I could
> read the pin on his lapel.  Suddenly, the man shook a bit, and I
> realized that his attention had re-focused on my forehead.  Now my
> brain was getting quite warm.  I was drawing quite close to the man, so
> close that I felt compelled to veer off the sidewalk to cross the road.
>  As I did so, I noticed with a strange detachment that a crowd of cars
> was rushing towards me at excessive speeds.  I wandered slowly across
> the road, staring at the man.  With a flick of his head, he indicated
> that I should examine the approaching cars.  I stared into a flowing
> dance of fifty automobiles, but only saw one.  A cheap run-of-the-mill
> Fiero.  I could tell from my position that it didn't even have the
> suspension package.  It dove and swerved and leaned quite a bit as it
> did so, but kept approaching.  I listened to the annoying whine of it's
> tiny engine.  There was a small logo next to the Pontiac symbol, so
> small that I shouldn't have been able to read it.  It said "tellme".
> Other cars flew by, but I could only read one of them.  I peered
> through the windshield, and saw the man with the purple overcoat.  That
> prompted me to see if he was still sitting at Burger King.  I looked
> back and saw that I was quite a ways from BK, in fact, I was almost at
> JimmyJohn's. My awareness heightened, and my detachment deepened.  I
> could feel the Fiero approaching from behind, I waited to see what
> would happen.  That's when the man in the purple overcoat appeared next
> to me beneath a huge sign that said "help".  I took his hand, left the
> street, and felt the Fiero whizz by driverless, only to crash into the
> streetlight back in the direction of BK. I looked up to notice that the
> sign said "Phelp's Motors" (funny, that's in Chicago), and looked down
> to notice the disappearance of the man.  I was suddenly very hungry,
> and downed two JimmyJohn's sub's in five minutes.
>
> I don't get it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear George,
}
} Such hallucinations are not uncommon when suffering
} from the intestinal flu. I suggest you follow your
} own doctor's advice, and spend a full day in bed,
} taking plenty of liquids, and don't try to do too
} oh my god, ullch, ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod,
} the colors, it's unbearable, look out, that Fiero's
} coming right toward us, it's, it's, ohmygodohmygod,
} BLEEEEEAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,
} oh now look what I've done, clean that up will you,
} where did the Fiero go, oh well, never mind, at least
} it's a good thing I get over these things quickly, anyway
} don't try to do too much for the next couple of days,
} and I don't think you'll have this happen again.
}
} You owe the Oracle $85 for the house call. And next
} time, try not to get your germs on me.


392-05    (33995 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please make me do nasty things to Jimmy Swaggart, oh please please
> please...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <The Usenet Oracle's lair. Nobody seems to be there.>
}
} Lisa (coming in): Orrie?  Here is another question for you. (looks
}   around) Orrie?
}
} <The Oracle Temple. Several priests are sitting at terminals, reading
}  and selecting Oracularities.>
}
} Lisa (coming in): Hullo?  Does anybody know where the Oracle is?
} Karyanta: Ha! Probably lying in the gutter, drunk.
} Lisa: I will tell him what you think about him!
} Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab: Phh, if he is omniscient, he should know it
}   anyway.
} Christopher Pettus: Omniscient, my foot!
} Harold the Foot: Huh?
} Christopher Pettus: No, not you.
} Lisa: But this question has to be answered today, and the Oracle is not
}   there!
} The Nefarious Scotto: Go find him!  That's not our job.
} Scott W. Starkey: Steve, couldn't you find a more reliable man for this
}   Oracle job?  It's not the first time he did this.
} Steve Kinzler: He is the only one who would answer difficult questions
}   without a salary.  Only a bologna sandwich now and then, some Usenet
}   postage stamps, a grain of salt...the original Mona Lisa in ASCII-
}   format...he is a modest fellow.
} PETROSKY,WILLIAM T: Modest?  Look at this!  Here he flames this poor
}   questioner just because she had written only fourteen lines of
}   grovelling!
} The Lion of Symmetry: And then this childish 'ZAP!' and 'ZOT!' every
}   time he is in a bad mood.
} Lisa: One has to let off steam sometimes.
} Michael Zintl: Ve vould have fired him years ago if he veren't funny
}   once in a vhile.
} Otis Viles: Who, me?
} Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who": No, that's me!
} Omne (Scott L. Baker): Please stop that! It's silly.
} Lisa: Somebody will have to answer this question.
} J.Cheetham: What is the question?
} Lisa: > Please make me do nasty things to Jimmy Swaggart, oh please
}   please please...
} The Barrister: That's all?
} Lisa: (nods)
} The Barrister: That's not a question!
} Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein): And no grovelling!
} Joshua.R.Poulson: But he said please. Four times.
} gateway@oasis.icl.co.uk (OP to/from UNIX Mail Gateway): Tell him he
}   should do nasty things to Jimmy Swaggart.  Seems like that's what he
}   wants.
} J. Cheetham: Right.
} Lisa: (sits down, writes) Hey you!  Do nasty things to Jimmy Swaggart,
}   or I'll ZOT you.
} Otis Viles: Yes, that's Oracle style.
} Lisa: You owe the Oracle
} Dr. Who: the smashed and burned remains of Jimmy Swaggart!
} Lisa: (writes it)
} Oracle: (comes in) Hello fans!
} Harold the Foot: Where have you been?
} Oracle: Lying in the gutter, drunk.  You owe the Oracle...a drink.


392-06    (64883 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh ravishing Oracle, whose smarts are vaster than that of the Satan, I
> humble myself before your depressing intelligence.  Am I better Mrs.
> Lustful Tame Marmot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I assume, illiterate mortal, that you wonder whether you are
} better THAN Mrs. Lustful Tame Marmot, to which the answer is a
} qualified "yes."  The problem is that "Lustful" and "Tame" form
} an oxymoron. . .
}
} . . . an oxymoron, you moron.  You don't know what that is?
} Military Intelligence?  Jumbo shrimp?  Yeah, one of THOSE things.
}
} ...anyway...  You are better than Mrs. Tame Marmot, who sits at
} home and straightens her panty-hose and thinks about what kind of
} casserole to bake for Mr. Lusty Marmot, who will be home for
} dinner soon.  You are, however, a little below Mrs. Lusty Marmot,
} who's a hot mama revved up for some tasty Marmot action.  Mrs.
} Lusty lives next door to Mrs. Tame, and she, too, is married to
} another tame Marmot.
}
} There's another famous pair of couples that rival Mrs. Tame and
} Mr. Lusty, and Mrs. Lusty and Mr. Tame.  Yep, you've got it,
} sportsfans, none other than Blondie and Dagwood and Herb and
} Tootsie!  Very few know it, but Dagwood is a hung stud, and
} Tootsie is a VERY hot little number.  Even Elmo isn't safe from
} her advances.  And why do you think the mailman comes by ten
} times a day?  And all those traveling salesmen?  It's amazing
} how, with a little insight, the funnies begin to make sense.
} Dagwood and Tootsie have been doing the bone-dance for years now,
} and Blondie and Herb just don't have a clue.  One of these days,
} however, the house of cards will tumble, and Dagwood "Lusty
} Marmot" Bumstead and Tootsie "Mrs. Lusty Marmot" Woodley will get
} caught doing the mashed potato in Dagwood's bathtub, and all hell
} will break loose.
}
} Of course, Herb and Blondie won't seek solace in each other,
} became tame Marmots don't even want to be with EACH OTHER.
}
} It's the same old story.  Ricky was boinking Ethel on top of the
} piano at the Tropicana while Lucy and Fred were home watching
} television.  Ted Forth has been playing hide-the-salami with
} Sally's secretary, Marcie, for five years now.  Cathy and Mr.
} Pinkley meet surreptitiously in the health club steam room, and
} her drippy boyfriend is none the wiser. Everybody on "Married
} With Children" sleeps with everybody else.  Nobody's innocent.
} The world is on trial.
}
} So in fact, the answer to your question is "Yeah.  You ARE better
} than Mrs. Lusty Tame Marmot.  Because she's confused (one of
} those split-personality things) and she'll never know what she
} wants.  My advice is to emulate Mrs. Lusty Marmot, grab the
} goodies and run.
}
} You owe the Oracle renewed faith in one's fellow Marmot.


392-07    (56a80 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now that Johnny Most has had both legs amputated, will he be known as
> Johnny More?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} More or less.


392-08    (448b2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and repeatedly geophagous Oracle, pray answer my foolish
> question.  How can I avoid the opalescent DOOM which even now snaps at
> my knees?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're in luck!  The first copies of the latest "Oracle's Guide to
} Answers, Solutions, Problems, and Perpetual Employment" just hit my
} desk (*FWAP*).  Copies of the Mortal's Edition (with an EXTRA BONUS
} appendix of The Oracle's greatest quotations ever!) are now available
} in a handsome 42-volume CD-ROM set, yours for only $32,767!  (Hmmm, I
} really need to bump that field up to a longword.)
}
} But wait, there's more!  If you act NOW, a tasteful Oracle wall clock
} with genuine quartz movement (accurate within +/- 10 minutes PER DAY!)
} will be sent to you as a FREE GIFT!  This beautiful clock, which is
} made of 100% pure polystyrene, is valued by Lisa, my appraiser, at
} $39.95 (plus taxes and tags), but you can have it absolutely FREE.
} Remember, you must act NOW to take advantage of this LIMITED TIME
} SPECIAL OFFER.
}
} And now, back to our regular program.
}
} Here is what the guide has to say about your problem:
}
} DOOM, opalescent  (see also KNEES, snapping)
}
}   DESCRIPTION:  Descriptions of opalescent DOOM are of necessity
}   vague, as very few witnesses survive an encounter, and those that do
}   are either rendered non compos mentis by the experience, or were
}   running too fast to get a good look, or both.  In fact, the only
}   characteristics that observers have been able to agree upon are
}   these: it opalesces, and you really don't want to be in the same
}   county with it.
}
}   HABITAT:  Opalescent DOOM can adapt itself to a wide variety of
}   environments, although it seems to prefer UNIX workstations,
}   probably because it can single out victims, lure them in with pretty
}   graphics, and then, when they are hopelessly mired in man pages,
}   opalescent DOOM contentedly snaps at their knees until they dump
}   core.  (Not pretty.)  VMS systems also offer many attractive nooks
}   and crannies for opalescent DOOM to hide.
}
}   Opalescent DOOM avoids MVS systems, probably because it keeps on
}   screwing up its JCL, spooling itself across the Atlantic, getting
}   mangled in a card punch, etc.  In some instances, opalescent DOOM
}   has been known to inhabit VM systems, where it creates virtual DOOM
}   machines and occasionally snacks on late-night tape operators.
}   Users of these systems tend not to notice, since they are already
}   afflicted by a fate far worse than opalescent DOOM, that of IBM
}   Brain Damage, and being eaten alive by a ravening monster would
}   actually come as a pleasant relief.
}
}   COUNTERMEASURES:  Run away.  Terribly fast.
}
} So, there you have it.  You'd better start -- oh, I see it's not going
} to matter too much anymore, is it?  Gee, too bad about those knees.
} Hey, could you please try not to bleed on the carpet?  Criminy, some
} people are just SO inconsiderate.
}
} You owe The Oracle an order for the guide.  Operators are standing by
} to take your call, and please have your credit card ready.  Come on,
} you don't need your legs to dial a phone.  Quit whining already.


392-09    (47684 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "I wish I did.  Do you think, maybe,
> it's a test?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THIS IS A TEST ======================================================
}
} For the next 20 lines this Incarnation will be conducting a test of the
} IBS - The Inanity Broadcast System.  This is only a test.
}
} ----  WHAT THE HECK KINDA QUESTION IS THAT NO ONE COULD POSSIBLY KNOW
} ----  WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT IT WOULD TAKE A ROOM FULL OF
} ----  CRYPTOGRAPHERS FOUR MONTHS WORKING AROUND THE CLOCK TO MAKE SENSE
} ----  OF THAT WHOM ARE YOU TRYING TO KID WHY DON'T YOU POST TO
} ----  TALK.BIZARRE INSTEAD YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING
}
} This is a test of the Inanity Broadcast System.  The Incarnations in
} your area, in voluntary cooperation with local, regional and system
} administrators, have developed this system to keep answers coming in
} the event of an incomprehensible, no-context querant.  Had this been an
} actual incomprehensible querant, you would have been told where to go.
}
} This Oracle serves the Usenet area.
}
} This concludes this test of the Inanity Broadcast System.  This is the
} Usenet Oracle, oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu.
}
} You owe the Oracle a test pattern.


392-10    (022af dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> help i'm a bug

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <poof> you're a feature!


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