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Internet Oracularities #393

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393, 393-01, 393-02, 393-03, 393-04, 393-05, 393-06, 393-07, 393-08, 393-09, 393-10


Usenet Oracularities #393    (31 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 92 09:42:48 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

393   31 votes 195b5 29e51 199a2 4a773 46c54 8d532 7d722 05ac4 159d3 06d75
393   3.0 mean  3.3   2.8   3.1   2.8   3.0   2.3   2.3   3.5   3.4   3.4


393-01    (195b5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and oracular Oracle, I refuse to stoop to meaningless verbiage
> of your magnifcence, but I have a problem to tax your utmost corncobs.
>
> Following is the answer (well, actually not the answer, because, as we
> all know is 42, but I digress), and we  humbly demand the question.
>
> "322 Ducks without feathers
> A large piece of blue chalk
>
> A wobble board without Rolf Harris.
> (with options on a Partridge in a Pared Tree)"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why is it that so many petitioners think that the essence of wit lies
} in blithering nonsense?  (Shut up, this is a rhetorical question; I
} KNOW the answer, clever boy, I'm the Oracle, remember?)
}
} With the Doorway to the Secrets of the Universe standing open before
} them, do they stride boldly forward to partake of omniscience?  No,
} they pick paint chips off the door frame.
}
} With the Candle of Absolute Enlightenment burning before their eyes, do
} they gaze into the infinite depths of its flame to espy Truth?  No,
} they pick at the dried wax coagulating on the candlestick.
}
} With the Cup of Knowledge at their lips, brimming over with the wisdom
} of gods, do they drink deep of that heady wine?  No, they make funny
} faces at their own reflections in the polished metal.
}
} Sigh.
}
} Just as every question has an answer, every answer has a question.
} (Take THAT, Mr. Goedel!!)  Please realize though, that knowing both
} question and answer is no guarantee to understanding.  As it happens,
} there are 10,654 questions to your answer.  Most of them are pretty
} boring, such as:
}
}   "What are 322 Ducks without feathers, a large piece of blue chalk, a
}    wobble board without Rolf Harris (with options on a Partridge in a
}    Pared Tree)?"
}
} Admittedly unhelpful.  More intriguing is:
}
}   "When Antharphax went to Parthia and lost all, what did he bring for
}    his beloved?"
}
} Not especially enlightening, but thought-provoking, wouldn't you say?
} As it happens, the question you actually want is one of the more
} particularly obscure:
}
}   "Whence bathospheres?"
}
} You owe the Oracle a methaphor extender.


393-02    (29e51 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, Mr. Oracle, I need your help!  I think I'm being followed.
> They're coming for me!  Please help me!  They hate me - they're going
> to fhjastk\dnl.
> $%^&#$
> NO CARRIER

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi, this is the USENET Oracle. Sorry I'm not in right now, but if you
} leave a message after the tone, I'll get right back to you...
}
} Ha, ha, ha, just kidding. I was really here all the time. (I am
} omnipresent, after all.) Now let's see, what was that question again?
} They're coming for you? They hate you? They're going to ... WHAT!?
}
} Don't they know that fhjastk\dnling is simply *not* allowed in this
} sector of the reality continuum? And that the penalty for infringement
} is mandatory removal of the inner premolar humour gland? (The one that
} makes you laugh at your own jokes.) Tsk-tsk-tsk, some people will not
} learn...
}
} I deduce from the tone of your voice that you believe yourself to be in
} imminent danger, and that you would like to be rescued. Certainly! The
} Oracle is not only omnipresent and omnipotent, but also omni-obliging.
} However, being so all-powerful has its drawbacks, one of them being
} a difficulty comprehending the concept of physical injury and
} consequent termination of vital biological processes. However, all is
} not lost: what you have to do is explain to me what sort of form you
} think your rescue should take, and I shall be happy to...
}
} You still there? Hello? Hello?
}
} Well, I never. Call me and then suddenly hang up for no reason. Do some
} people have nothing else better to do? Mutter, mutter, mumble...
}
} You owe the Oracle a quicker mind.


393-03    (199a2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who is way above average, please favor me with your
> gentle guidence.  I have been considering the trends of computing and
> shapes.  At the present time, computers depend heavily on disks.  In
> the past 'tapes' where more common and they tended to be stored in the
> shape of disks on reels.  Will this trend continue or is there some
> other geometric shape in the future of electronic storage medium?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've noticed!  Well, the real secret is that disks are just really
} flat spools of tape.  The next stage is the Mobius disk, which will
} make those silly double-sided floppies obsolete.  If you're going to
} have a single-sided disk, it should REALLY be single-sided.
}
} You owe the Oracle the contents of that Klein bottle you've been
} nursing.


393-04    (4a773 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to find a date on a college campus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dates and other fruits are usually found in the produce section of your
} local grocery.  You might check in some of the vending machines for
} dried dates.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of Raid.


393-05    (46c54 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham@bra0116.wins.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most magnificent Oracle, deeply versed in the most obscure secrets
> of both sexes,
>
> could you please give me the top ten reasons for young women to wear a
> bra, and the top ten ones for not wearing one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} PRO
}
} 1. men
} 2. men
} 3. men
} 4. men
} 5. men
} 6. men
} 7. men
} 8. men
} 9. men
} 10. men
}
} CON
}
} 1. men
} 2. men
} 3. men
} 4. men
} 5. men
} 6. men
} 7. men
} 8. men
} 9. men
} 10. men


393-06    (8d532 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh beloved Oracle most wise, who can dance better than anyone on Club
> MTV... I've been listening to a lot of dance music lately, and I simply
> have to find out the answer to this question:
> What time is love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [UO] Hello my son
}
} [IH] Oh beloved Oracle most wise, who can dance better than anyone
}      on Club MTV...
}
} [UO] Well, if I wanted to I guess...
}
} [IH] I've been listening to a lot of dance music lately,
}
} [UO] I see your problems
}
} [IH] No, you see I simply have to  find out the answer to this question
}
} [UO] Which is?
}
} [IH] What time is love?
}
} [UO] Come this way my son, down this hall
}
} [IH] What's behind that door there.
}
} [UO] A person who goes on and on about someone names Billy Jean.
}
} [IH] Sad.
}
} [UO] Very.
}
} [IH] What about in there
}
} [UO] Oh, another helpless soul, he keeps saying Everybody Sweat Now.
}
} [IH] Oh, I like that song, one of my favorites
}
} [UO] I'm very sorry for you.
}
} [IH] So, what about my question
}
} [UO] Just go through that door there
}
} [IH] Hey what are you doing?
}
} [UO] I'm sorry my son...


393-07    (7d722 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that men who worship beauty more than they worship truth
> risk their souls in the embrace of someone from Duluth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Come to think of it, I've been suspicious about that for I long time,
} now.
}
} "Lisa, Oh, Lisa!"
}
} "Yes, Orie? Now?"
}
} "In a minute, first, where are you from?"
}
} "Why, Duluthy, Orie! Why?"
}
} "Nothing.  Now."


393-08    (05ac4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wist, please answer me this:
>
> When I turn off the radio duing a song, and then turn it back on a
> while later, it's in a different place in the song or sometimes even
> playing a different song.  My eight track tape player doesn't behave
> that way.  Should I get a new radio?
>
> Oh, I alost forgot, this is original equipment in an Impala.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To the best of the Oracle's knowledge, which means for sure, "Wist" is
} an old card game dating back at least to the nineteenth century, though
} it is usually spelled with a "h" as well.  The Oracle does, however,
} enjoy the odd game of poker, though he has a hard time finding people
} who will play with him for any stakes worth troubling over.
}
} Now, about this radio problem.  You actually puzzled the Oracle for a
} minute, but then the situation became clear after you mentioned the
} Impala.  Impalas, unlike most American cars, are not powered by an
} internal combustion engine, but rather by small demon squirrels on
} treadmills inside what only appears to be a V8.  The squirrels,
} conjured and imprisoned by secrets known only to Lee Iacocca and very
} few others, were the culmination of black magic experiments on the part
} of Detroit beginning with the invention of the Edsel and ending
} disasterously with President's vomiting in Japan earlier this week.
} The presence of the squirrels upsets the otherwise cheerful little
} elves who live inside your radio and play the music you hear on their
} little instruments when you turn it on.  The elves forget where they
} were when you turned the radio off, and therein lies your problem.
} Either get a new engine, have your car exorcised and hope it somehow
} still works, or just get used to the problem.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Necronomicon and a subscription
} to "Car and Driver."


393-09    (159d3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most powerful and glorious Oracle,
>     Most learned One before whom we are only bits,
>       Knower of all that is worth knowing,
>           Sayer of the most esteemed sooth,
>               true Bearer of all wisdom,
>                       Lorist for all folk,
>                           Teller of all tales,
>                               Winner of all sweepstakes...
>
> what was it I was going to ask you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last, a simple question for which there is a simple and direct
} answer. You were, of course, going to ask me, "What was it I was going
} to ask you?", and the answer to that is, "You were, of course, going to
} ask me, "What was it I was going to ask you?"", for which the answer
} can only be, "You were, of course, going to ask me, "What was it I was
} going to ask you?"", and obviously the only intelligent reply can be,
} "You were, of course, going to ask me, "What was it I was going to ask
} you?"", to which I can only respond, "You were, of course, going to ask
} me, "What was it I was going to ask you?"", the solution to which is,
} "You were, of course, going to ask me, "What was it I was going to ask
} you?"", which can be resolved as follows, "You were, of course, going
} to ask me, "What was it I was going to ask you?"", to which I assert
}
} ***  WARNING  ***  WARNING  ***  WARNING  ***  WARNING  ***  WARNING
}
} PARADOX ALERT
} CLOSED LOGIC LOOP
} EXPONENTIAL POSITIVE FEEDBACK
} UNABLE TO CONTAIN OUTPUT
} ANNIHILATION OF INCARNATION IMMINENT
} UNABLE TO CONTAIN OUTPUT
} ANNIHILATION OF SYSTEM IMMINENT
} UNABLE TO CONTAIN OUTPUT
} ANNIHILATION OF UNIVERSE IMMINENT
} UNABLE TO CONTAIN OUTPUT
} ANNIH
}
} *** You owe the Oracle a parallel universe and a new incarnation.  Hmm,
} while you're at it, throw in a ticket to one of those sweepstakes you
} mentioned.


393-10    (06d75 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo, awesome Oracle who types so fast that fifteen fireman are always on
> standby at the big Oracular workstation in case the keyboard catches
> fire:
>
> I got a problem.  I ate fourteen pieces of cheese the other day, when I
> was stopped by a cop who arrested me because there's a law against
> eating fouteen pieces of cheese when you haven't registered with the
> Fourteen Cheese and Other Miscellany Board.  It turns out that if I had
> only eaten thirteen cheeses or gotten really piggy and ate fifteen
> cheeses I would have been OK, because in my municipality those
> quantities of cheese-piece eating are completely unregulated.  Now am I
> living in a Dada-ist society or what? Why does fourteen matter but not
> thirteen, fifteen, or even twenty-three. Heck, I'd think that if any
> number of cheese pieces mattered to Those In Charge, it would be
> twenty-three.  Wouldn't you think so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa:  Oh oracle honey...  Where are you?  <cough> <cough>  I can't see
} you through all this smoke...  I swear...  Where are those firemen
} anyway... Oh well I'll just try to feel my way through...  Oooch..
} <giggle>  I found you!
}
} Oracle:  Yes. <sigh>  I was just taking a keyboard replacement break.
} Maybe I should take a tactile stimulation break instead though...
}
} Lisa:  Ooch.  Don't keep pinching me when I can't see you.  Besides I
} have another question for you.  This one finally got cleared by the
} bomb section and the psycho department.
}
} Oracle:  Oh great.  Another assasination attempt I suppose... <sounds
} of sirens and deisel motors>  AHhh.  Finally, here come the firemen.
}
} Lisa:  It's not a threat letter.  The executive summary says it's a
} druggie ex-con asking about legal matters.  <A burly fireman runs by
} spraying extinguisher everywhere.  He's wearing a walkman playing
} sounds of a fire-engine.  Fans start up, clearing the smoke>.  Oh!  I
} can see again... Get your hand off my leg!  Here's the question. <She
} proffers a soggy piece of paper.>
}
} Oracle:  Yucch.  Why does this smell so bad?  <sound of smashing glass>
}
} Lisa:  It's covered in limburger cheese.  Why do those firemen always
} break all the windows in the building?  <Glass shatters everywhere;
} firemen run by with big axes in hand>
}
} Oracle:  It's part of their contract... Lowers the insurance
} deductibles or something...   You owe me a cup of coffee..
} Hmm.. this question is strange...  It's not about legal matters per se.
} Actually the poor guy just wants to know why there's such a huge
} abundance of idiotic regulations in his world.
}
} Lisa:  What about the cheese?  <A fireman rushes up covered in
} extinguisher foam and shattered glass.  He dumps a huge book on the
} oracle's melted keyboard>
}
} Firecheif:  Hello Oracle.  Fire's under control.  Here's the paperwork.
} <He indicates the huge tome.>>
}
} Oracle:  Oh that's good to hear...  And the windows?
}
} Firechief:  Ummm...   Well...  Unfortunately we had to break some.
}
} Oracle:  How many?
}
} Firechief:  Lets see.. <starts counting on his fingers>  Exactly all of
} them I believe.
}
} Oracle:  Ok.  Well then, same deal as last time:  you make the
} paperwork dissapear,  I'll fix the windows, and no one reports it to
} the insurance.
}
} Firechief:  Righto your awesomeness.  Here let me replace your
} keyboard. <He pulls out a shiny new flame retardant keyboard.>  There
} you are.
}
} Oracle:  Thanks!  <The Oracle begins typing furiously> <Lisa sets a cup
} of coffee down by the terminal>  <Wisps of smoke rise from the keys>
}
}       And thus spake the Oracle in response:
}
}       Beuracracy is the same the world over -- it makes rules that it
}       wants broken so that it can enforce those arbitratry rules on the
}       population.  Just try to learn all the rules and you won't be
}       bothered anymore.  And lay off the limburger cheese; it contains
}       mild hallucinogens that when taken in quantity can cause
}       problems.
}
}       You owe the oracle a case of aged Brie.
}
} Oracle:  <blowing on his keyboard>  Oh Lisa...   Tactile break....


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