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1 Sep 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 11:13:54 GMT

Internet Oracularities #394

Goto:
394, 394-01, 394-02, 394-03, 394-04, 394-05, 394-06, 394-07, 394-08, 394-09, 394-10


Usenet Oracularities #394    (31 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 92 14:36:05 -0500

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   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   394
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

394   31 votes 19c81 2aa45 37b64 5c572 9c721 44c74 4ea12 28d71 212ce 3575b
394   3.0 mean  3.0   3.0   3.0   2.6   2.2   3.1   2.5   2.9   4.1   3.5


394-01    (19c81 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you tell me Oracle:
>
> If Jack gets kicked in the teeth by his boss on Monday and experiences
> a 20% reduction in the buying power of his paycheck on Wednesday should
> he even bother getting out of bed on Friday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah Jack, Jack, poor Jack.  Jack should most certainly get out of bed on
} Friday.  Perhaps he should put on his football helmet (or his
} ice-hockey gear) in case his boss gets violent again, but he had better
} get his ass out of bed.  You see, dear Questioner, Jack lives in the
} '90's.
}
} THE USENET ORACLE'S TEN RULES FOR LIVING IN THE '90's
}
} 10) Any job is better than no job
}  9) Anyone who wants to survive in this economy had better get used to
}     the idea of working long hours at an unrewarding position doing
}     meaningless work that makes your boss richer and you poorer.
}  8) Visa and Mastercard can always be your lender of last resort.
}  7) Automation makes your life better -- now you can work for a
}     mindless, enslaving and spiteful computer instead of a mindless,
}     enslaving and spiteful human.
}  6) Your keystrokes are being counted even as you read this.
}  5) Workplace surveilance is just your boss's way of saying "Get back
}     to work!"
}  4) You can't possibly expect your paycheck to cover luxuries like
}     food, shelter, or medical bills.  Get a second job if you need to
}     pay for these frills.
}  3a) If the Oracle had to work for a living, rule #3 would be "None of
}      this stuff applies to the Oracle".
}  3b) Since the Oracle doesn't have to work for a living, rule #3 is
}      "Always look to the Oracle when you need inspiration or moral
}      support in getting through these troubled times, sucker."
}  2) Drugs will help you feel better about observing all the above rules
}     but try not to use anything that shows up in your urine.
}  1) You're out of luck, Jack.  You're fucked, Jack.  But get out of bed
}     anyway and learn to like it.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "Work is Hell" (by Matt
} Groening) and a subscription to "Processed World" (published by the Bay
} Area Center for Art and Technology, San Fransisco).


394-02    (2aa45 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderous and grovelsome Oracle please answer my question:
>
>                          How many pins can you stick
>                            in the head of an angel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           Fear Not, my questioner, even though you referred to me as
}           'grovelsome' and not 'worthy of my grovelling'.
}
}           The answer is found in the Witchdoctor's Manual, 5th
}           edition. Chapter 16--Voodoo. The relevant table reads as
}           follows:
}                              Table 3a
}                       Maximum Pin Density--Heads
}
}           Item                          Max. # of Pins ----
}           --------------
}           Head, Human adult                  67,445
}           Head, Lettuce                      23,438
}           Head, Human child                  18,320
}           Head Cheese                         7,933
}     ----> Head, Angel                           776
}           Head, Mr. Potato                      647
}           Head, Dan Quayle                        4
}           Head, Pin                               1
}
}           You owe the Oracle a box of safety pins and a Barbie Doll.


394-03    (37b64 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has considered your question and has pondered over
} the truths for which you search.  In it's wisdom it has scoured
} through a labyrinth of fable to present you with that most rare
} thing - the story for all ocassions.
}
} Hansel and Red Riding Hood went to visit the gingerbread house
} containing three bowls of porridge.  One large bowl, one medium
} bowl and one small bowl.  Suddenly, from the top of the house
} dropped a mane of golden hair and the cry "Rapunzel" echoed
} through the air, immediately followed by seven persons of
} restricted growth and a pale-faced beauty rushing through the
} nearby forest.  Underneath the mattress of the large bed lay a
} pea, and on top lay a dog called princess.  The beast woke up
} upon hearing the sound of the beauty and commented on what nice
} plants she had.  Horrified, Cinderella (for that was the
} beauty's name) threw the plants to the ground and was amazed
} to see that one of them immediately sprouted and grew up into
} the sky.  As the merry ensemble of beauty, beast, seven dwarfs,
} red riding hood, hansel, the three bears, a number of different
} wolves (one dressed as a granny), Jack, a goose in the process
} of laying a 24-carat egg, a giant and talking cat all looked up
} into the sky, as the beanstalk (for such was the plant), along came
} a feathery biped, called Chicken Licken, who told them all that
} the sky was falling down.
}
} Then it did.


394-04    (5c572 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> On time and under budget? You must be joking.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Amazing but true.  The problem will only arrise when
} it becomes evident WHY the project was on time and
} under budget...


394-05    (9c721 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where has all the white dog poo gone ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was mistakenly eaten by a giant white rabbit wearing a vest and a
} pocketwatch.  Would you care for some more tea?  Oh, sorry, no time.
} We're late!
}
} You owe the Oracle a large looking glass.


394-06    (44c74 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK Oracle, we Questioners are tired of asking all the questions, being
> made to look like fools, being flamed and electronically abused in Your
> responses, having to hear about your sexual excesses and pretend we
> like it and constantly asked to pay extortionate tribute to support
> Your useless and profligate lifestyle.
>
> This message is to advise you that a plurality of the Oracular
> Questioners have formed a union for the purposes of collective
> bargaining.  The Oracular Supplicants International/Internet Sendmail
> Organization (OSI/ISO) is demanding fair distribution of Oracular
> tributes, limits on the amount of flaming and abuse to be heaped upon
> individual Questioners and ending of discrimination against Questioners
> based on color, gender, sexual preference, spelling skills or being
> stuck with system administrators who force signatures like "JOE
> QUESTIONER, STUDENT" to be appended to all our outgoing mail.
>
> If you refuse to recognize our union or fail to bargain in good faith,
> we will have no choice but to withhold our services from the Oracular
> workplace, until a settlement is reached.  That's right pal -- no
> Questions, no Answers, no Tribute.  We sincerely hope that this kind of
> extreme job action will not be necessary.
>
>                            With Solidarity,
>                                   Bill Shipper
>                                   Executive Supplicant, OSI/ISO
>
> You owe the Questioners a contract and a union label in your .signature

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha! Contract!  You want contract?  I'll give you contract.
}
} ----- Cut Here ---------
}
} We, the questioners, do hereby grant to the Usenet Oracle, in any
} and/or all Incarnations, and all his Duly Appointed Priests, permanent
} and irrevocable rights to flame and electronically abuse us in
} whatever manner He or they should see fit, should we choose to provoke
} Him in any manner, or, at the Oracle's sole discretion, at any time
} whatsoever, such abuse including (but not limited to) discrimination
} on the basis of sex, gender, color, or quantity or quality of
} grovelling; we further grant that the Oracle and/or his Incarnations
} or Duly Appointed Priests may demand and shall receive such gifts,
} tribute, oblation and/or offering as The Oracle shall determine at his
} sole discretion as partial recompense for the inconvenince so caused;
} we further promise and warrant that sufficient questions shall be
} asked that such gifts, tribute, oblation and/or offerings shall be
} sufficient to keep the Oracle, his Incarnations and Priests, and
} whomsoever else the Oracle shall decide, in a manner of luxury which
} Ones of their high office can by right expect (the quantity of tribute
} required being at the sole discretion of the Oracle and none other),
}
}  (Signed in Blood)
}  Bill Shipper
}  Executive Supplicant, OSI/ISO
}  On behalf of questioners everywhere.
}
} ------ Cut Here -----------
}
} And remember, The Oracle has access to more legal brainpower than you
} could ever hope to imagine, not to mention the entire Buffalo
} offensive line, so unless you want a very nasty visit, I suggest you
} forget these foolish notions of "Solidarity" and start looking towards
} your legal obligations.
}
} What?  You don't remember signing that contract?  Hardly a defense,
} is it?  It's certainly your signature.
}
} Trouble with the rest of your so-called comrades about commitments
} made on their behalf?  Tough titties.  You were the one who sought to
} tough it out with an omnicient demigod.  You got to expect some sort
} of a downside.
}
} So keep those cards and letters coming in, folks.
}
} You owe the oracle Jimmy Hoffa's signet ring, and a 35mm print of "The
} Wizard Of Speed And Time".


394-07    (4ea12 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, most wise,
>
> Are you the same oracle as in Star Trek?  Do you know the episode in
> which they find this asteroid that turns out to be a spaceship with
> lots of people in it?  (Damn!  Of course you do... please forgive my
> stupidity.)  Well,  are you?  Are you the same oracle?  Please tell
> me... are you?  Please, please, please oh pleeeeeeeeeease.....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am to Star Trek what the velvety regalia is to the digital watch.
} That Oracle was clever, chewed-up, and turkish; I am upright,
} nicaraguan, and bloated.  Behind the Star Trek Oracle lived a small
} dwarf; behind me live three dentists and a parakeet.  In May the Star
} Trek Oracle gathers petunias; in January I gather spearmint for my
} tea.
}
} We are different people.  I have no asteroids.  He has no responsible
} chairs.  I do not control anyone's destiny, though I sometimes pretend
} to.  He does not control anyone's sexuality, though he would like to.
} I freqently indulge my desires for potato salad; he rarely succumbs to
} his awful fear of taco sauce.  I cannot understand Chaucer; he
} speed-reads T. S. Eliot.  I carry on a secret liason with Linda
} Ronstadt; he sleeps with Jerry Falwell in public places.
}
} Do you understand?  We are NOT THE SAME PERSON!
}
} (as far as I know.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a gallon of otter's piss.


394-08    (28d71 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great USENET Oracle, this unworthy supplicant would deign to ask of you
> a question that has been percolating in my brain for some time now...
>
> Why don't they print a braile verson of Playboy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O rash and ignorant supplicant, a Braille edition of "Playboy" has been
} available for years. In addition to facilitating the self-actualization
} of young, visually challenged males, the Braille edition of "Playboy"
} has attained a suprising degree of acceptance in the sighted
} population, due to the fact that it is inflatable, and wipes clean with
} a damp cloth.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rubber novelty, and an N.F.B. cane.


394-09    (212ce dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh really swell Oracle, could you
> please tell me
>                                       What's this crap?
> What?
>                                       This is awful!  We'll never get a
>                                       good answer!  "Really swell"
>                                       indeed.
> Dear Oracularities Letters,
> I never thought your letters were
> real until
>                                       Oh, please!  Why not just post it
>                                       to alt.sex?!
> Shut up!  This is my question -- let
> me ask it the way I want!!
>
> Oh really swell Oracle, could you
> please tell me what... shut up!       please flame my ass off the net.
>                                       Wassamatter?  Think you'll get a
>                                       kinder, Gentler Oracle?
> Shut up.  I'll take my chances.
>
> Oh mighty Oracle, please tell me...
> uh, please tell me...
>                                       Oh, perfect.  You don't even have
>                                       a question.  We'll be flamed for
>                                       sure!
> Shut UP!  I do have a question!
>                                       Nyah, nyah, poor dumby can't
>                                       think of his own question!
> Ok, how about this:
> can you please tell me what's best to
> do for multiple personality disorder?
>                                       What?!  No! -- ha, ha Mr.
>                                       Oracle... just a little joke!
>                                       (He's been under stress)
> No joke, sir.  He's been on my case   -- NO!  SHUT UP!
> ever since finals, and I'm at my      tra la LAAAA!  AmerrriCAAA! the
> wit's end.  Please help me            beaUUUtiful!  No, that's not
>                                       our real question!  Really,
>                                       it's how much wood

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no, not another one of *those* ... These letters always bring out
} the -
}
}                              ** RRRRIIIIP **                         __/
}                                                           __________/
}                                       ___________________/ Evil twin?
} Yes... *sigh*                        /
} I thought I'd seen the last of      |
} you...                              |    Not hardly, pal.  And this time
}                                     |    it's even better for me, 'cause
}                                     |    I brought along my equally evil
}               *gasp*                |    clone!
}                                     |\       ** RRRRIIIIIP **
}                                     | \_______
}    What the...                      |         \________
}                                     | Hi Bro!          \  Kinda reminds
}                                     |                   | you of _Alien_
}                                     |                   | doesn't it?
}   Oh yeah?  Well two, er, *three*   |                   |
}   can play at that little game!    /|   Hey, he can't   |
}                          _________/ |     do that!      |
}                 ________/           |                   | Yeah, you
}                /  ** RRRRRIIIIP **  |                   | can't do that!
} Just watch!   |                     |                   |
}               |  Will you guys      |                   |
}               |  PLEASE stop        |                   |
}               |  bickering?         |  Look, its double |
}               |                     | the geek quotient!|   Heh heh
}               | Oh really?  Take    |                   |
}               |  THIS!      >---->* |                   |
}               |               >---->*\ Hey, stop that!  |
}               |                 >---->*\  I mean it!    |
}               |                   >---->*\   Ow!        |  INCOMING!
} Having space  |                           |             |
} compression   |                           |             |
} problems?     |                           |             |
} (tee-hee)     |                           |             |
}               | Man, talk about multiple  |             |
}               | personality questions!    |  I don't    |
}               |                           | like this   |
}               |                           | game any    |
}               |                           | more...     | What?!  You're
}               |                           |             | not turning
}               |                           |             | yella on me?!
}               | Gad, this is confusing.   |             |
}               |                           | Don't talk  |
}               |                           | to me like  |
}               |                           | that, you   |
}               |                           | twit!       |
} Get rid of    |                           |             |  *snarl*
} him, get rid  |                           |             |
} of him!       | Don't tell *me* what to   |             |
}               | do, Mr. Boss Man!  Mr.    |             |
}               | Hulk Hogan!  I don't like |             |
}               | this game either! Nyah!   | You too?    |
}    Uh-oh      |                           |             |  Uh-oh
}               | Hey, #3, I have an idea...| What?       |
}               |             (whisper...   | ...whisper) |
}               |             (whisper...   | ...whisper) |
}               |  You like the idea?       | Go for it!  |
}               |                           |             |
}               |           >---->*         |  *<----<    |
} What are you  |                >---->*    | *<----<     |
} doing?        |                    >---->*|*<----<      | Yeah, what are
}               |                     >---->*<----<       | you doing?
}               |                       * KABOOM *        |
}               |                                         |
}               | Ah, MUCH better.  And now for Operation |
}               |             LAMAZE!                     |
} Thanks a lot, |                                         | Benedict
} Traitor!      |                                         | Arnold!
}               |<<<             PUSH!                 >>>|
}            __/<<<              UNH!                   >>>\__  STOP THAT!
} PLEASE?___/<<<                 BREATHE!                  >>>\___ AUGH!
}   ____/<<<                     ALMOST THERE!                 >>>\__
}  /<<<                                                            >>\gasp
} /<<<                                                                \
}
}  Ah, much better.  Thanks for your question, and if you *ever* ask it
}  again I take no responsibility for what happens.
}
} You owe the Oracle Calvin's Transmogrifier/Duplicator.


394-10    (3575b dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is the first sentence of my question, which wants the Oracle to
> know that all the sentences of my question grovel humbly before the
> Awesome presence.  The second sentence of my question also succeeds
> brilliantly ingroveling, but really doesn't add anything new.  This
> sentence, overawed by the performance of the first two, chokes in the
> clutch.  The last sentence of the paragraph, in a fit of confusion (it
> didn't go like this in rehersal) wanders aimlessly about like a lost
> child.
>
> Boldly reclaiming the path, this sentence starts out a new and improved
> paragraph.  This sentence is confident we will finally get to the
> point, since it can see the next sentence will, indeed, ask the
> question.  This sentence wants to know if there is anything profound in
> self-reference. This sentence wonders how the last sentence can be a
> question, since it didn't end with a question mark.
>
> Realizing that writing self-referential sentences is difficult to do
> without a terribly contrived style, this sentence calls the whole thing
> quits (but still grovels, like all the others).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the first sentence of the Oracle's response.  This is the
} second sentence of that response.  This sentence appears several times.
}  This is the last sentence of the first paragraph.
}
} This sentence can serve as either the first or last sentence of a
} paragraph, depending on its use.  This sentence is the first to refer
} to your first question, about the usefulness of the self-referential
} mode of writing.  This sentence identifies your groveling as Pseudo-
} Groveling; that is, it only refers to groveling without actually
} providing same.  This sentence extends the thought of the previous
} sentence by noting that the pseudo groveling is no substitute for the
} real thing, but acknowledges that in this case it will have to do.
} This sentence can serve as either the first or last sentence of a
} paragraph, depending on its use.
}
} This is actually the third sentence of the first paragraph but has been
} placed here in error.  This sentence appears several times.  This
} sentence attempts to abandon the self-referential style so that your
} question may be answered, but fails.  This sentence makes the same
} attempt, but fails just as miserably.  This sentence appears several
} times.  This sentence, though not able to abandon self-reference,
} nonetheless succeeds in tackling your question in that it postulates
} that while the selreferential style may seem horribly vague and boring,
} it *does* give ample opportunity for playfulness on the part of the
} author.  This sentence notes the awkwardness of the previous sentence
} but commends it for at least giving the most information thus far.
} This sentence appears several times.
}
} You double your chances of getting the car if you switch doors.  This
} sentence informs you that the previous sentence states the answer to a
} different question entirely, namely the infamous Monty Hall problem
} that appeared, among other places, in Marylin vos Savant's column in
} Parade magazine some time ago.  This sentence augments the previous
} sentence by stating that the first sentence of this paragraph had no
} business being here.  THIS sentence, in stubborn defiance of the
} previous two, maintains that this whole answer is supposed to address
} the Monty Hall problem and that, so far, the first sentence of this
} paragraph is the ONLY one that belongs here.  This sentence appears
} several times.
}
} A new paragraph is an ideal point to make another attempt to answer
} your question, as this one tries to do.  This sentence appears several
} times. This sentence appears only once.  This sentence reiterates the
} playfulness which self-reference affords the writer.  This clause
} agrees with the sentimesnt in the previous sentence, while this one
} stresses the extreme verbage that can so easily result.
}
} This is a one-sentence paragraph.
}
} This is a two-sentence paragraph.  This sentence appears several times.
}
} This paragraph serves to apologize for the stupidity of the previous
} two paragraphs.  This sentence can only echo the sentiment of the
} previous sentence but throwns a monkey wrench in the works by refering
} to the subject of groveling, which has absolutely NO business in this
} paragraph but cannot at this point be added to the first paragraph.
} This sentence appears several times.
}
} This is the first sentence of the last paragraph of the Oracle's
} answer. This sentence acknowledges the strong possibility that you are
} very happy about the claim made by the first sentence and verifies that
} this is in fact the last paragraph of the answer.  This sentence
} reminds you that you need to pay the Oracle for services provided.
} This is the final sentence of the final paragraph of the Oracle's
} answer, in which it is revealed that you owe the Oracle a
} self-referential autobiography, and also that this is a 66-line,
} 3775-character answer.


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