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Internet Oracularities #395

Goto:
395, 395-01, 395-02, 395-03, 395-04, 395-05, 395-06, 395-07, 395-08, 395-09, 395-10


Usenet Oracularities #395    (31 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 17 Jan 92 16:03:56 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   395
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

395   31 votes 5b960 ac621 7ca11 10ef1 3177d 45a66 24ba4 4cb22 1f951 3c961
395   2.9 mean  2.5   2.1   2.3   3.5   3.8   3.2   3.3   2.5   2.7   2.7


395-01    (5b960 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Orrie!
>
> Remember me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, of course!  How are you?
}
} (Lisa, get the bazooka.  That Jehovah's Witness is here again....)
}
} You owe the Oracle a small donation for this answer.


395-02    (ac621 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wise and all-powerful Oracle, if it is not the last thing you do
> for me, please solve this mystery :
>
>       When I was at work the other day, as I was selecting a DECterm
>       window on my VAXstation 3100, an image of a balding, bearded man
>       appeared where the mouse pointer was positioned. After blinking
>       his eyes a few times and opening his mouth without making a
>       sound, a dialog box appeared with the words "SYSPRV ? NO YOU
>       CANNOT !!!".
>
>       What does it all mean ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I am not surpised you do not know what it means! It took _me_
} almost a full nano-second to sort it out.
}
} I suggest that you seek legal advice. The old guy has stolen all of
} the vowels from your System Privilege facility, thus denying you
} access. (The NO YOU CANNOT response in fact came from the VAXstation,
} not the old guy, as you mistakenly thought). Sue for all you are worth.
}
} By the way, none of this would have happened if you had your speaker
} working. You could have then heard the old guy at his evil deeds and
} nabbed him then.
}
} You owe the Oracle a woofer.


395-03    (7ca11 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> More on the Very Strange Version:
>
> 10. Blessed are the werewolfs, for their fleas shall be removed.
> 11. Accredited are the solenoids, for theirs is Alternating Current.
> 12. Parboiled are the lamps, that they may not be so crunchy and hard
>     to eat.
> 13. Pasteed are the triceratopses, for they are extinct and become the
>     favorites of young children.
> 14. Blessed are the worthless, for the know their true value.
> 15. Blessed are the haberdashers, for they can eat their dashi and hab
>     it too.
> 16. Manufactured are the birds.  Don't worry about why.  Don't ask
>     questions.
> 17. Drooled upon are the rhinoceroses, for they are supposed to be
>     waterproof and we wanted to test it.
> 18. Blessed are the baby butterflies, for they are cute.
> 19. Blessed are the racketeers, for otherwise they shall blackmail up.
> 20. Blessed are the janitors, for they shall clean up this mess.
>
> What's going on here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You still haven't removed all the bugs in your AI Literary Creator. Try
} looking between lines 11292 and 11376.
}
} You owe the Oracle some of what you've been smoking.


395-04    (10ef1 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do women have only *two* breasts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, women originally came with one built in breast and five
} breast slots. Soon afterwards, however, it was found out that the
} overwhelming majority of women were actually upgraded to have exactly
} two breasts - which actually makes sense since men generally have two
} hands.
}
} Therefore, it was decided to build a stripped-down version of women for
} home use with two preconfigured breasts. This version proved to be so
} popular that the original model was discontinued and soon was
} forgotten.


395-05    (3177d dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh extremely extraordinarily extraordinarily divine Oracle, whose
> knowledge glitters like the Moon, whose tan I am not worthy to adore,
> wiser than a whole bunch of wereslugs, do tell me this.  Who wrote the
> current best-seller?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best-seller lists have a habit of shifting around from week to
} week, so the best I can do for you is to run down a list of some of my
} favorites from the past year:
}
} 1) "The Toasteroven of Shanara" by Terry Brooks: The latest in the
}    famed series of fantasy novels, this one has the forces of good and
}    evil battling over kitchen appliances of awesome power.
}
} 2) "Worm-fodder" by Robert Heinlein: The long awaited sequel to
}    "Grumbles From the Grave".  From his coffin, Heinlein explores his
}    feelings about being deceased.
}
} 3) "City of the Future" by Jane Auel: The latest book of the "Children
}    of the Earth" series, which also includes "Clan of the Cave Bear",
}    "Valley of the Horses", "Hunt of the Mammoth", and several others.
}    Ayla and her mate Jondalar, having discovered fire, domesticated the
}    first animals, founded Atlantis, discovered agriculture, and
}    invented the spear-thrower now invent a time machine and travel to
}    modern day New York, where they are killed by a roving band of
}    anthropologists.
}
} 4) "Wearing a Tartan Kilt" by Piers Anthony: Book 217 of the
}    "Incarnations of Immortality" series, featuring Angus McArnold, who
}    becomes the minor Incarnation of Bagpipe Music and spoils a plot by
}    Satan to take over the Universe.
}
} 5) "Grout" by Stephen King: A shocking and suspenseful tale of horror
}    about a colony of bathroom tile mildew that develops sentience and
}    takes over a sleepy New England town.
}
} 6) "What Are the Owls?" by Thomas Harris: In this sequel to "Red
}    Dragon" and "Silence of the Lambs", FBI agent Clarise Starling
}    enlists the aid of Director David Lynch in tracking down a
}    psychopathic killer who places letters under the fingernails of his
}    victims.
}
} 7) "The Hitchhiker's Guide to Alternate Dimensions" by Douglas Adams:
}    When our universe is destoyed to make way for an interdimensional
}    bypass, Arthur Dent, Ford Prefect, Zaphod Beeblebrox, Trillian, and
}    Slartibartfast find themselves homeless and trapped in a series of
}    alternate histories.
}
} 8) "This Book Sucks But You'll Probably Buy It Anyway" by Jackie
}    Collins: Amazingly similar to other best-selling books by Collins.
}
} 9) "Unearthed Arcana" by Umberto Eco: A huge volume filled with highly
}    obscure information that Eco compiled in monestary libraries that
}    have been sealed up for centuries.  The plot is so complicated that
}    the publisher has packeged the book with a free set of Cliff's
}    Notes.
}
} 10) "Foundation and Eggplant" by Isaac Asimov: The next step along the
}    way to establishing a galactic utopian society in Asimov's future
}    history. The Second Foundation uses a recipe for eggplant parmisian
}    that has been preserved for millenia by the robots of Earth for use
}    against the Gaeans.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new library card.


395-06    (45a66 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Skins 21
> Bills 22
> What do you say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd say for a fur trader in this day and age your doing quite well.


395-07    (24ba4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'd rather be a wino way down on skid row
> Than to grovel to you, who doesn't even know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd rather be an aphid on the arse of a flea
} than have bozos like you send mail to me!
} You don't have a question, you just want to insult.
} That's just fine by me, but beware the result!
} The Oracle's Ire is mighty indeed!
} I have ways of dealing with pestilent breeds
} of morons who think they are witty or smart
} but actually are using their keyboards to fart.
} So to punish you for your ignorant mail,
} I say unto thee  <KAZOT!>  You're DAN QUAYLE!
}
} Try to live it down.


395-08    (4cb22 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who is really neato and fantastic,
>
>       Why did the road cross the chicken?
>
> Thanks in advance!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks to the righteous movement "Chicken's rights in a harsh and cruel
} society" who fought for the right of each chicken to stay where it
} lives, the chicken did not have to move, so they built the road
} straight over it.


395-09    (1f951 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty indecent oracle, who's breasts I am not fit to suck, tell me:
>
> If you're all knowing, you must be infallible, so why do you keep:
>
> (a) misiniterpreting questions
> (b) making spelling/gramatical mistakes
> (c) making factual mistakes
> (d) making logical errors
> (e) and other such things.
>
> I suppose you could be *lying*, but your not as cheap as that, surely?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Keep your disgusting male mouth off my breasts, breeder!
}
} a) It's more fun that way.
}
} b) Speeling erorrs ecnode teh scerets fo hte uvinerse!
}
} c) misfactuals are not steaks!
}
} d) (a=>b)\/~c!  With jelly on it!
}
} e) I am not a mere THING.  I have a personality!  I eat pancake syrup
}    on my oysters!  Would a THING do that?


395-10    (3c961 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>               Tellme "Pourquoi Demander Pourquoi?"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, okay, whatever floats your boat:
}
}       Pourquoi Demander Pourquoi?
}
} Feel better?
}
} You know, I used to wonder about some of the things you people asked
} me, but these days I just shrug and say, "Why ask why?"
}
} You owe the Oracle a six-pack of LaBatt's Ale.


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