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Internet Oracularities #396

Goto:
396, 396-01, 396-02, 396-03, 396-04, 396-05, 396-06, 396-07, 396-08, 396-09, 396-10


Usenet Oracularities #396    (26 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 19 Jan 92 13:35:52 -0500

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   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   396
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

396   26 votes 9d310 4a750 08d41 38b40 08e40 45674 42956 38492 56a41 23768
396   2.8 mean  1.8   2.5   2.9   2.6   2.8   3.1   3.3   3.0   2.6   3.6


396-01    (9d310 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where do all these damn dirty dishes come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (The scene: inside the Oracle's celestial palace in the sky. As the
} camera turns from the reclining figure of Lisa, seated on clouds, to
} the object that she is stroking. It is the Oracle's hair. On his
} _head_. The one on his _shoulders_!
}
} From out of the window, as Lisa feeds the great God of All Knowlege a
} grape, comes the sound of a mortal voice calling in the wind. The
} Oracle turns, his toga folding around his tastily bemuscled body, he
} faces the window, his keen immortal ears attuned brightly to hear the
} voice, begging for enlightenment.
}
} The voice on the wind cries, "where do all these damn dirty dishes come
} from?"
}
} The Oracle turnes, looks at Lisa quizically.)
}
} Oracle: The little **SHIT** didn't even capitalize the sentance!!
}
} (As Lisa watches, Oracle summons up his great and mysterious powers,
} and...
}
}            _*****ZOT*****_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} As the dust settles, Lisa sidles up to the Oracle, knowing what he
} likes after such awesome demonstrations of his power. Lisa soon
} remembers what she and the Oracle had been talking about.)
}
} Lisa: But Orrie, you know all those damn dirty dishes? Well, do you
} know where they come from?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Brillo[TM] pad and one of those neat sponge things
} with the handle that you put detergent in.


396-02    (4a750 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A scan of trade magazines, news items, and police reports reveals the
} following:
}
} For approximately the past eight years, shoe salesmen have become
} increasingly dissatisfied with their public image as balding,
} overweight men in their mid-50's who smell of cigar smoke and go out
} every Wednesday night to bowl with their fellow Moose Lodge members and
} talk about the women with whom they wish they were cheating on their
} wives.  More and more shoe salesman are quitting the Moose Lodge,
} stopping smoking, joining health clubs, losing that spare tire and
} generally getting more athletic.  This much is a matter of public
} record, and you could have found this out from any public library.
}
} What is not so obvious is that there is a by-product of the shoe
} leather tanning process that creates an occupational hazard for shoe
} salesmen.  This chemical, which infiltrates the blood system of
} approximately 85% of all shoe salesmen, causes a kind of anemia that is
} usually harmless -- except in cases where the afflicted person has
} undergone recent severe changes in metabolism late in life, e.g. in a
} middle-aged person who has recently started exercising heavily, such as
} the athletic shoe salesmen discussed in the previous paragraph.  In
} such people, the syndrome, known as Lugosi's Syndrome, results in
} severe iron deficiency that can only be remedied by frequent ingentions
} of liquid supplements that have a high iron content.  (A seondary
} effect of this syndrome is severe sensitivity to light.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a clove of garlic.


396-03    (08d41 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle whose immensness is immense, please answer me this:
>
>       Was Alice (from Alice in Wonderland of course) a Voudoun
>       priestess? And if she was, where is her copy of the Necronomicon?
>
> Many large thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, Alice never joined the clergy of Voudoun or any other religious
} cult, but she did have an curiously interesting life after her
} adventures in Wonderland and through the Looking Glass.  For a time,
} she enjoyed great success selling psychodelic mushrooms, but the
} business went under when all of her regular customers shrunk to three
} inches tall and were eaten by a Cheshire cat.  Alice then moved to a
} strange and mysterious land known to its inhabitants as "California",
} where she found employment as a live-in maid for an architect named
} Mike Brady, his wife Carrol, and their six children. The Bradys found
} Alice to be hardworking and loyal, but they never could figure out why
} she strictly forbade the children from playing chess, or why she almost
} had a heart-attack when Bobby left the Queen of Hearts face-up on her
} pillow one day.  After the kids were grown and her services were no
} longer needed, Alice got a face-lift, moved to Arizona, and became a
} waitress in a dive known as Mel's Diner.  Things went fairly well for
} Alice, until one night when she and two of her co-workers, Flo and
} Vera, got drunk and had a mad tea party that led to their termination.
} Currently, Alice is again working as a waitress, this time at the
} Walrus and Carpenter Oyster Bar and Grill in Boston, Massachusetts.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new pocket watch.


396-04    (38b40 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omnipresent Oracle, who never gets a backlog in any USEnet meeting.
>
> I am addicted to reading Usenet articles, thios takes up almost all of
> my time and I need to cut down on my time reading all these fantastic
> articles.
>
> Is there something like Usenetoholics anonymous or ?
>
> Help !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations!  You've taken the first step:  You've admitted you
} have a problem.  You are on the road to recovery.  Soon you will be
} able to press the "q" key in rn without breaking into a cold sweat.
}
} It is a little-known fact that I, the Usenet Oracle, also suffer from
} a News dependency.  At times I become so absorbed in News that I
} neglect my other responsibilities.  Questions from supplicants go
} unanswered. Lisa resorts to self-satisfaction, if you know what I mean.
}  And all because I MUST read one more article in alt.sex.oracle or
} something.
}
} At Lisa's pleading I finally joined a twelve-step program.  Like your-
} self, I managed to admit I have a problem.  But I couldn't get past
} the second step.  You see, the second step is "admit to higher power."
}
} You owe the Oracle a full newsfeed.


396-05    (08e40 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is deodorant really made of, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Deodorant is not made, it is mined.  Deodorant was discovered in the
} 1894 by the intrepid South American explorer Sir William Rightguard,
} who discovered that certain Andean tribes used a sticky white powder in
} strange, but pleasant-smelling, religious rites.  At great risk to his
} life, the gallant Sir William violated tribal taboos and made his
} escape from the mountain redoubt in the dark of night, carrying a
} sample of the mysterious paste.
}
} Careful chemical anaylsis revealed that the substance was an aluminum
} salt heretofore unknown to western science.  A hundred years of fevered
} experimentation has failed to discover any artificial process which can
} duplicate the rare compound; the certainty of enormous wealth for the
} chemist who can devise such a procedure has led to several well-known
} frauds and innumerable deaths.  To this day, the West's desparate
} hunger for deodorant provides several Andean countries with the
} enormous trade surplusses which support their wildly luxurious
} life-styles, and which have made Lima and Bogota the financial capitals
} of the Western Hemisphere.
}
} You owe the Oracle a package of five-day deodorant pads, and a gross of
} dress shields.


396-06    (45674 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sir,
>       This is to inform you that you have failed to file a federal
> income tax return for the last 5 years.  You currently owe (including
> late fees and interest) $382,476.  To avoid further penalties please
> pay the ballance within 90 days.
>
>                               Your friendly IRS agent.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Sir,
}        This is to inform you that you have failed to obey your wedding
}  vows for the last 5 years.  You currently owe (including negatives and
}  transcripts) $382,476.  To avoid further penalties please pay the
}  balance within 90 days. Or we could just call it even.
}
}                                Your friendly USENET Oracle.


396-07    (42956 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, {complimentary superlative adjective} Oracle, whose {noun} I
> am unfit to {verb},
>
> {question}

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} {derogatory adjective} mortal, who doth grovel so {negative adverb}, I
} will require that you send me {noun}, after first removing it with a
} {noun with a sharp edge}.
}
} You are a {noun-phrase}.  {verb-phrase} in your {noun-phrase}.  Up your
} {noun-phrase}.  Your {noun} wears {plural-noun}.  When the {mass-noun}
} hits the {count-noun}, it will not be distributed {adverb}.  {insult}.
} {insult}. {racial-slur}.
}
} {query}?  {noun-phrase} {verb-phrase}.  But I don't give a {slang}.
} {slang}.  {nonsense-word}.  {slang}.
}
} {sentence}. {sentence}. {query}? {sentence}.
}
} {paragraph}.
}
} {answer}.
}
} {supplicant-name} {verb} {article} {deity} {article} {noun-phrase}.


396-08    (38492 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are staning in a large machine room.
>
> There are several fileservers here.
> There is a halon system here.
> There are several network gateways here.
> There is a large airconditioner here.
> There are two red buttons on the wall.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get Bagpipes
}
}       I see no bagpipes.
}
} Look buttons
}
}       The buttons (or is there only one...you seem to have drunk a wee
}       bit much last night) are on the wall.
}
} Push button
}
}       Which of the seven buttons do you want to push ?
}
} Push red buttons
}
}       An angry comedian walks out of one of the gateways, hits you with
}       a set of bagpipes, and leaves. To the south, you hear Winston
}       Churchill and F. Scott Fitzgerald singing a duet...
}
}       It's cold in here!
}
} Get bagpipes
}
}       I see no bagpipes
}
} Look
}
}       You are standing,or rather, are sprawled inside Gateway 3--the
}       smallest gateway this side of Gateway 2. A chill wind blows from
}       the Northwest.
}
} Off airconditioner
}
}       I see no airconditioner here. You are beginning to catch cold.
}
} NW
}
}       You are in machine room. There are bagpipes here!
}
} Get bagpipes
}
}       Wouldn't you rather turn off the airconditioner ?
}
} Off airconditioner.
}
}       The airconditioner seems to have been crazy-glued in the
}       "super" position.
}
}       Your cold is getting worse.
}
} Push button
}
}       Which button ?
}
} THE button
}
}       The airconditioner turns off. Unfortunately, it is too late for
}       you. You die of pneumonia.
}
}       Out of a possible 150 points, you scored 12. You have earned a
}       plaid tartan!!!!
}
}       Again [y/n]....
}
} (excerpted from "Bagpipes: the Scottish Adventure Game")


396-09    (56a41 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful Oracle, so full of ways to torment and please a lonely
> leathergirl, tell me what She would do to me if She did women...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, well, okay.
}
} First, she'll tie the carp to your hips.  Then she'll take the masking
} tape and attach a spatula to each shoulder blade.  This is to keep you
} from squirming too much when the rusty nails are used.
}
} After that, she starts the Harley and sh
}
} STOP THE REPLY!  THIS HAS GOTTEN ENTIRELY TOO SILLY!  NEXT THING YOU
} KNOW, YOU'LL BE USING THE WORD SEMPRINI!  NOW STOP IT!  BACK TO THE
} SKETCH.
}
} fter the semprini is fully cooked.  Drain in a collandar an
}
} NO! NO! NO!  CHANGE THE CHANNEL!
}
} Jugglers on crack, and the women who love them, today on Geraldo
}
} ARRRRG!  NO!  CHANGE IT AGAIN!
}
} For donating $100 to Rev. Beagle's Beach Blanket Bible Ministry, we'll
} send you your very own Shroud of Turin beach towel!
}
} FORGET IT.  BACK TO THE ORIGINAL REPLY.
}
} urse, the carp will probably die, but that's the price of passion.
}
} You owe the Oracle some cayenne pepper.


396-10    (23768 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     to the one who understands the mysteries of the entire cosmos, the
>  5th dimension (and the Four Tops), to she who not only knows but is
>  truth i have a quick question:
>
>       What does P C mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means that very soon you are going to have to buy a new dictionary
} in order to understand what people are saying.  Here is a little
} preview; words in the left-hand column are to be avoided at all costs
} and replaced by the corresponding words in the right-hand column.
}
} Politically Incorrect     Politically Correct
} ---------------------     -------------------
} Handicapped               Physically challenged
} Dan Quayle                Mentally challenged
} Paul Tsongas              Politically challenged
} David Duke                Neo-Nazi scum
} Blind                     Visually challenged
} Deaf                      Aurally challenged
} Dumb                      Dan Quayle
} Oriental                  Asian
} American Indian           Native American
} Black                     Oppressed minority
} Female                    Oppressed majority
} Girls                     Women
} Very young girls          Pre-women
} Boys                      Boys
} White                     Pigmentationally challenged
} Male                      Y-chromosomally afflicted
} Heterosexual White Male   Scum
} Liberal                   Correct
} Conservative              Incorrect
} Dead                      Metabolically challenged
}
} As you can see, it's not just a new way of talking, it's a whole new
} way of thinking.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Asian rug.


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