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Internet Oracularities #397

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397, 397-01, 397-02, 397-03, 397-04, 397-05, 397-06, 397-07, 397-08, 397-09, 397-10


Usenet Oracularities #397    (23 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 21 Jan 92 11:17:23 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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397   23 votes 97421 46931 27680 2d521 23954 3a253 2d710 65714 37850 24656
397   2.7 mean  2.1   2.6   2.9   2.4   3.3   2.8   2.3   2.7   2.7   3.4


397-01    (97421 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will the third world war keep ``Bosom Buddies'' off the air?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, if there is a god in heaven. And we wait anxiously every day for
} nuclear sterilization as a method of a new fall program lineup every
} day. And more important, if a chicken and a half can lay an egg and a
} half in a day and a half, what does CBS have that Galavision and
} telemundo do not. Alas even the great wonder spud is in awe at the
} internal workings of the television networks and their conventional
} wisdom, or appropriate lack thereof.
}
} But I digress. The answer to your question is "Aluminum toast."
}
} You owe the oracle a pudding pop, and the next time your forget to
} grovel, it's going to be two pudding pops.


397-02    (46931 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and sagacious Oracle.
>
> Who will win the Superbowl?  Who will win  the Bud Bowl?
> Will the Bud Bowl be more interesting than the Superbowl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For your own sake, I will not tell you the scores.  You see, not only
} do I already know the results of every play, but I also know that if I
} gave you this information, you would bet your life savings on the game.
}  Then, with your winnings, you would take a trip to Cancun, where you
} would be crippled for life in a bizarre traffic accident involving your
} tour bus, three llamas, and a black cat.  Trust me, I am withholding
} the information for your own benefit.  Now, to answer your third
} question; if you have enough to drink during the game, you won't be
} able to tell which is the Superbowl and which is Bud Bowl.
}
} You owe the Oracle seats on the 50-yard line.


397-03    (27680 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the supreme orgasm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, there's something very simple here that a lot of supplicants are
} missing, here. The point is that, since you are merely mortal, and I am
} devine and celestial, you are supposed to grovel before me. You know,
} throw yourself in the muck and wallow around for a little while. Show
} me that, since you are second in unimportance to the insects, you have
} the proper respect for those that you can't begin to understand. But
} since you obviously didn't know, I won't hold it against you. I'll just
} get the teeniest little hint of sarcasm in my deep and wonderous Oracle
} Voice. Ok?
}
} Alright. Down to business: The Supreme Orgasm. I suppose that I could
} get Lisa in here to help me demonstrate, but I suspect that High Priest
} Kinzler would censor that but quick. Of course, I could just zap him,
} but Hell, he created me.
}
} The Ultimate Orgasm. Well, have you ever eaten a perfectly toasted
} marshmallow? Well, the Ultimate Orgasm is absolutely nothing like that.
} Don't listen to any charlatan wanna-be Oracles that tell you otherwise.
} There are a lot of loonies about in this world, son, and if you want to
} survive, you just can't go around believing them when they tell you
} that the Ultimate Orgasm is anything like a perfectly toasted
} marshmallow. So don't.
}
} Okay, now we're clear on that. All right. Now. The Ultimate Orgasm.
} Hmm. Well, picture sneezing. Ugh. Okay, so that was ugly. Picture two
} dogs in the road. Yup, you guessed it, they have the Ultimate Orgasm,
} and the closest that Humans can come to it is in the basic,
} low-intensity orgasm. Note the lower case.
}
} So, in short, the Ultimate Orgasm happens all the time, but you can't
} get at it, because you're not canine.
}
} Of course, as an Oracle, I am unbounded by the constraints of a
} physical body. I can become anything that I desire, and so, Grrawrf,
} Reearrrff Grrrrr!
}
} You owe the Oracle a studded collar and also one of those neat chew toy
} things that look like bones.


397-04    (2d521 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hessyt!  Oracle!  Coem here and whisper to me!  It's VERY SECRET so
> don't tell everyone, OK?  I need your very wisest of your very wise
> advice.  Now.  I pay very much, you see?  Very important.  If I get it
> wrong very bad things happen to me.  But you know that.  You always
> know that.  Which is why I come to you for the very good important
> significant advice.  Is it OK?  I pay very many things for the
> answering of this question.
>
> What are tarts made of?  And can I profitably market toothpaste tarts
> in the USA out of vending machines?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I don't believe this is possible, but it does
} sound like a good idea.  When you say "Tarts", I am
} assuming that you are refering to "Women of The Evenings",
} "Prostitutes", and their like.  Or you may be refering to
} little morning sweetroles.  Lets look at both of these.
}
} First, with the former kind, you would have trouble getting
} the women into the machine.  And your customers will have
} trouble getting them out.  There hasn't been any good
} developments for vending machines in this area.  On the
} good side you can get a lot for these.  The "Toothpaste"
} tart in which you want to market could go for quite a bit
} (There are some very kinky people out there).  Then there
} would be a problem of messing with those stupid dollar
} bill feeders that allow people to make fools out of
} themselves infront of not-so-patient other people.  As
} for as what these kind of "Toothpaste Tart" is made of
} is simple:  Woman + Sex Drive - Morales
}
} Finally, assuming you meant the breakfast sweetrole.  Well
} they are made out of sugar and dough and are topped with,
} stuff that is meant to make them taste better.  However, I
} don't think anyone would notice them being made with toothpaste.
} This is because most people get up, brush their teeth and then
} eat the tart immediatly after.  This is usually followed buy
} the drinking of orange juice and unexpected 'Yuch!'.  I don't
} think you would have any trouble sticking these things in
} a vending machine.  However, you wouln't be able to sell
} them unless you called them Pop-Tarts.  Some people might
} confuse this type and the former type mentioned above and
} begin looking for a large dispensing tray.
}
} You owe the oracle a vending machine on main street and a clean, fresh,
} unrinkled dollar bill.
}
} Note:  Pop-Tarts is a trademark of another company and is not
}        being endored by the Oracle


397-05    (23954 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle whose ingrowing toenails must be the luckiest in the universe
> for having the benefit to submerge themselves into your eternal wisdom.
>
> I have this strange forced behaviour, I can not sleep or eat if I'm not
> able to get an absolutely straight left- and right margin in all of the
> letters I type. I've tried to fill in more blanks between the words, to
> be able to obtain this, but deep inside I feel that I'm doing something
> wrong. This consumes a lot of my valuable time, so I have to ask you of
> help. What should I do about this oh glorious oracle in the whole sky ?
>
> P.S.I've tried to misspell some words as well, but that failed as well.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me get this straight (if you'll pardon my pun)... this psychosis of
} yours manifests itself as an overwhelming compulsion to type your lines
} of text so that each line contains the exact same number of characters.
} It is, however, unclear from your question whether you're asking me for
} a cure to this condition, or advice about how you can continue to write
} in this way without having to resort to such methods as inserting extra
} spaces or intentionally misspelling words to make the characters in the
} lines come out even.  I can suggest that you might want to start trying
} out synonyms of the various words in the lines instead, until the lines
} match up.  In a way, this is similar to the journalistic art of writing
} headlines to fit a set space.  If you are able to further sharpen these
} writing skills, you might possibly have a successful journalism career.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Washington Post and a toenail clipper.


397-06    (3a253 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So many mysteries are out there to solve,
> So many quandries that you could resolve,
> So many knots that your mind could untie,
> So many puzzles wait your all-seeing eye.
>
> Hey!  How 'bout that!! Four lines of poetry, with consistent rhymed and
> meter, and they're EXACTLY THE SAME LENGTH!!!  What're the chances of
> that happening by accident?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not a quite bit,
} To thee who sit,
} Without any wit,
} You bit of shit.
}
} As always, the Oracle will rule.
} Not like you, a jack-assed mule.
} A Guy who uses the flippin fuel.
} Who is w/ the Oracle a fit duel.
}
} I am the greatest poet,
} An oracle who knows-it.
} I ZOT you then show it,
} So go to hell, blow it!
}
}  You owe me, the Great Oracle Of The Usenet, the following for trying
} to make  your self higher than me:
}
}  o An Apology Note
}  o A couple Zygote
}  o A Real Big Boat
}  o An English Goat


397-07    (2d710 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you tell me, Oracle.....
>
> _Should_ we ask Angela Lansbury about Bufferin???  and who made her a
> medical *expert* anyway??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi, this is Lisa.  I'm afraid the Usenet Oracle is unavailable.  He's
} got this really bad headache, so he's only answering questions that
} start off with lots and lots of grovelling.  All the other questions
} he's giving to me.
}
} Okay, let's see.  Angela Lansbury, huh?  Isn't she the woman on "Murder
} She Wrote?"  I never watch that show because it's on the same time as
} "America's Funniest Deities".
}
} I guess you still need an answer.  Well, if you saw it on TV, it must
} be true.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Tiny Tine Pill.
}
} P.S.  Here's a big "hi!" and lots of hugs to the priesthood.


397-08    (65714 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK:
}
}    Can you see by the dawn's early light?
}
} Yeesh, people come up with the weirdest requests...


397-09    (37850 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@johnny.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All Things Bright And Beautiful,
> All Creatures Great And Small,
> All Things Wise And Wonderful,
> The Oracle Outshines Them All.
>
> Insufferable Oracle,
> Goddess of flaucinaucinihilipilification,
> Grant this mere mortal,
> Who is not fit to gaze upon your devine beauty,
> A moment of your time,
> Please:
>
> I have a complaint about my love life.
> What is Aphrodite's email address?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All Questions Small And Pitiful,
} All Answers Fine And Tall,
} All Questions Dull And Miserable,
} The Oracle Smiles On You All.
}
} Boy, are you lucky! There is nothing that is guaranteed to peeve
} an Oracle more than being mistaken for a being of the wrong sex.
} But as it turns out, I have just this week transmogrified into a
} (dare I say it) quite stunning brunette - statuesque even. And
} Lisa is now this tall, strapping (and very well-hung) blonde.
} Fabulous.
}
} But, telling you all about my own love life is not going to
} improve yours. Aphrodite is not the sort of person I would
} normally recommend to anybody with love life problems. She
} can be *very* difficult, but that is just to be expected of
} your typical Goddess, at least in my experience. However, I
} can see from the tone of your question that you are quite
} desperate (flaucinaucinihilipilification indeed!). So, she
} may be found at
}
}       love.goddess@mount.olympus.edu
}
} (she is currently teaching at God Mount U).
}
} Best of Luck (have you ever tried to satisfy a Goddess of Love
} before?). One word of advice. Steer clear of her G-spot. You
} wouldn't cope.
}
} You owe the Oracle a prophylactic.


397-10    (24656 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I show the cosmic validity of the equation:
>
>   Life * Basic_Cell_Bio + Writing * Slinkies
> =
>   sqrt(Tofu * Next_Week * Photosynthesis +
>        Iodine * Fred +
>        Phase * Yoyos * Eggplant * Ouch)
>   + 2?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "The proof is left as an exercise for the reader."


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