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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo, dude!  Who put the bomp in the bomp-ba-bomp-ba-bomp?  Who put the > ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong?  Who put the bop in the > bop-she-bop-she-bop?  Who put the dip in the dip-de-dip-de-dip?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Yo, dude?"  Sheesh, kids these days.  Absolutely no respect for elders } (and wisers, and betters, and smarters, and ... ) } } [15 minutes of Oracular ego-building later] } } The bomp in the bomp-ba-bomp-ba-bomp is a typographical error.  In the } original text, it read "pomp," and was intended to replace and update } "Pomp and Circumstance."  However, due to the mistake at the print } shop, it was misrouted into popular music.  Vergil Muldoon, printer's } apprentice, put the bomp in the bomp-ba-bomp-ba-bomp. } } The ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong thinks it's a sheep.  Not too } interesting, unless you like watching farm animals copulate.  Old } Macdonald (who breeds the critters) put the ram in the } rama-lama-ding-dong. } } The bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop is required by the Political } Correctness act of 1991, because without it, the lyric would be } "she-she," which is sexist exploitation in the popular entertainment } industry.  Senator Kennedy put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop. } } The dip in the dip-de-dip-de-dip (onion and sour cream) is from Lay's. } Jay Leno put the dip in the dip-de-dip-de-dip. } } You owe the Oracle two shas, five nas, three heys, and a good-bye.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Oracle baby...  You're pretty cool Cyberbeing.  In fact, I'd say > you're just about the hoopiest frood I've run across in > gigananoseconds. > > So, like, tell me...  Haven't we met somewhere before?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me think back... hmmm... YES!  Now I remember. } } It was a dark night, in 1463.  The moon was covered by clouds.  I } walked alone on the English Moors.  I heard a frightful and death-like } howling. }  Was it a were-wolf?  Or maybe just a lost dog baying at the moon. } } I traveled the darkened path slowly, for fear of being sighted by the } villagers.  Witch burnings were all the rage, and an omniscient Oracle } could be mistaken for a worlock. } } I wandered into a tavern, The Bull's Neck, I recall.  The villagers } were talking of witches and how some could ride in the air.  They said } only a witch could do that.  I foolishly joined the conversation. } }  "Oh, no" I said, without thinking  "By the mid-20th century flight } would be a commonplace occurance." } } "How could you know that?" A villager asked  "Can YOU see into the } future, or are you just trying to trick us?" } } I paused, and decided to go for the truth.  "Yes, I can see into the } future, because I have been there." } } That's when YOU showed up!  "WITCH!  WITCH!!"  YOU yelled.  "BURN, } BURN, BURN!!!" } } YOU grabbed me, and with the help of the other villagers tied me to a } post.  YOU organized a search party for wood, YOU helped to lay the } pyre.  I tried to escape, to convince you to stop the maddness.  YOU } were unrelenting.  Finally, YOU took a lit torch and were about to } light the pyre. } } I watched as YOU brought the torch closer-- } }  No, wait--- aren't you the guy that works the Slurpee machine at the }  7-11? } } Sorry! } } YOU owe the oracle a trip to Salem, MA, or a rootbeer Slurpee

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O hoopy Oracle, who is such a well-sassed frood that he always knows > where his towel is, who can comprehend Bistromathematics, who has a > complete psychologicial profile of the Man who rules the Universe, and > who even knows what a flowerpot means when it thinks, "Oh no, not > again"... > > Could you please direct me to the nearest alt.fan.douglas-adams detox > center?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Every particle in the universe affects every other particle, however } faintly or obliquely.  Everything interconnects with everything.  The } beating of a butterfly's wings in China can affect the course of an } Atlantic hurricane. If I could interrogate this table leg in a way that } made sense to me, or to the table leg, then it could provide me with } the answer to any question in the universe.  I could ask anybody I } liked, chosen entirely by chance, any random question I cared to think } of, and their answer, or lack of it, would in some way bear upon the } problem to which I am seek the solution.  It is only a question of } knowing how to interpret it.  Even you, whom I have met entirely by } chance, probably know things that are vital to my investigation, if } only I knew what to ask you, which I don't, and if only I could be } bothered to, which I can't.  Second door on your left.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is the end of the Universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 115 miles west of LA.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> women - wymyn > freshman - why not freshwymyn

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm. . . no groveling.  The Oracle will answer, despite the blow to his } ego. } } Indeed, "freshwymyn" is growing in use as our language moves into the } modern era.  Today's world requires us to rid our speech of the worst } of all evils, that of discrimination. } } The most blatant form of discrimination in written English today is its } bias against letters with descenders.  In our entire alphabet of 26 } letters, only five: g, j, p, q and y, extend below the baseline.   And } none of these are even among the most common 15 letters in the } language. To remedy the underrepresentation of this marginalized } minority, affirmative action language reforms are a moral imperative. } } Thus, "women" becomes "wymyn," increasing minority representation from } 0% to 40%.  "Freshwomen" should rightly become "freshwymyn," with a } minority representation of 20%.  However, in an agreement with the } feminist lobby, the descenders' lobby has recognized the echo of the } word "men" in "freshwymyn," and has pledged its support behind the word } "freshwypeople" which serves both groups as it increases minority } representation to 23%.  In addition, it throws a bone to the less } influential ascenders' lobby, by adding an l which rises above the } baseline. } } The descenders did try to force a change in the first half of the word } by replacing "fresh" with its synonym "ripe," thus incrementing the } descender count and also increasing representation by shortening the } word.  But "ripewypeople" (rating 33%) aroused the ire of the } ascenders, and the descenders' lobby felt they would be unable to } override a promised Presidential veto. } } You owe the Oracle a dictionary which lists "syzygy" (rating 67%).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most gracious oracle, whose wisdome is surpassed only by the size of > his beer belly, whose knowledge is broader than the width of his neck, > whose love is greater than the forest primeivil (whoops, got carried > away)... > > please tell me:  do imaginary friends count with imaginary numbers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mortal, you have discovered one of the fundamental truths of } the Universe. } } Basically,  when the big fella created the Universe, he made } sure that the only numbers which worked were integers.  This } is  why  he  invented  all this quantum stuff to support it. } This worked fine until one day one of the angels  fell  from } grace  and went on to start a rival organisation:  no names, } no packdrill. } } Now he invented all kinds of stuff. Many of  his  inventions } were  there  not  only  to  tempt  mankind  and  lead  it to } damnation, but also to confuse the carefully laid  plans  of } the  old  man. For example, credit cards and mortgages. Have } you ever seen interest rates expressed as an integer? No.  I } thought  not. Another source of human misery he produced was } staistics. Imagine that done only with integers. } } So, time went by, and ultimately the old man  retaliated  by } inventing  Electrical  Engineering (no, it's not the work of } the Devil, which most EE  students  find  difficult  to  be- } lieve).  To support this new invention he also invented com- } plex numbers. This, alas,  complicated  the  fabric  of  the } Universe  so much that it will, ulitmately, collapse in upon } itself. Next Thursday, in fact. } } Periodically, people are sucked in to the complex world  and } appear as imaginary friends. A fact known to a few mathemat- } ical  adventurers  is that the Bermuda Triangle is a massive } Argand diagram. These poor  unfortunates  are  unaware  that } they  are in the wrong half of the universe, and to them im- } aginary numbers appear real  and  vice  versa.  Occasionally } they  get  sucked from the complex world back in to the real } one, but of course they then appear as anti-matter  and  end } up irradiating what's left of the scenery. } } So, to answer your question, to you your imaginary friend is } complex.  To him you are both complex and negative. } } You owe the Oracle a floating point unit for his abacus.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, > > Who precisely is this lurching banana which has followed me since 1941?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, man.  Another one.  Well, this one's not going to be a total waste. } }               *               * interlude *           * } } "Oh, Ray! -- C'mon in here.  It's about time you started learning the } biz." } } "Aw, dad!..." } } "This is important." } } "But dad -- 'Flaming Supplicants Through the Ages' is on PBS next!" } } "Ah, well *that's* different!  That would be an excellent place to } start your education." } } [Touching father/son quality time deleted in the interests of space] } } "Now, Ray, take a look at this 'question'.  What do you see?" } } "Looks like some random glop the poor sap threw together hoping that } the Mighty Oracle might make something amusing out of it." } } "Very good.  Getting the Oracle to make silk purses out of sow's ears } is a popular hobby on the net." } } "Geeze.  'Course, there's also a weird Freudian interpretation..." } } "Go on." } } "The banana is obviously a phallic symbol.  Also, the image of the } single banana away from the bunch seems to be rather powerful.  Looks } like the poor sap can't get laid or think of a good question." } } "Excellent.  Figuring out how to get laid is another popular hobby on } the net.  Since we've discerned the full meaning of the 'question', the } only thing remaining is how to respond." } } "Gee, dad.  Seems like the crawling worm hardly deserves a well-thought } out reply.  We oughta flame his butt to Alpha Centauri." } } "Sounds good to me." } }               *               * finale *              * } } The Oracle has no idea.  Just to be on the safe side, though, I'll } transport you to Alpha Centauri.  You owe the Oracle a real question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        O great, glorious and (by definition) unique Oracle, yea, ye who > can play up to the uttermost level in Lemmings, whose heavenly sneakers > are always a pristine white, who never had a zit, please answer this > most humble and dedicated of your unworthy servants: > >        Whatever happened to KC and the Sunshine Band?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is surprising how often people such as yourself ask this question. } Kevin Carter and the Sunshine Silver Band of Barnsley East in } Yorkshire were obviously more popular in their day than I had } realised. It has not proved possible to trace all of the members, } however the principals have been located: } } Kevin himself, the band-leader and solo tuba-ist, now owns a pie shop } in Preston, imaginitively named "Kevin's Pie Shop". In his spare time } he works as a consultant ethnic musicologist to the BBC Northern } Region. } } Tom Squire, the much-vaunted cornet player, is now a balding P.E. } teacher at Barnsley Grammar School. His cornet has not seen the light } of day for several years, and Tom has taken to polishing his pate in } preference to his instrument. } } Isaiah Baker, the slide trombonist, pursued a musical career after } the band broke up, playing with orchestras such as the Manchester } Phil., and also working as a session musician with the Beatles, the } Rolling Stones, and the Laughing Policeman. Unfortunately he started } to be adversely influenced by the lifestyle of these young people, and } after many rumours of deteriorating health, was eventually found dead } in a hotel room after an overdose of long hair and free love. } } William "Billy" Probitt, the "Big Bass Drum" player, who developed an } astounding physique through lunching exclusively on steak-and-kidney } pies and beer and marching for hours beating upon his drum, fell in } love with a glockenspielist from the Salvation Army, got religion, } fell out of love again, got a different religion, and ended up a } Methodist minister, and now works at a small church north of York in } Little Midden. } } For this deeply researched answer, you owe the oracle a } c.d. of British Brass Band Hits of the Early Fifties.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh most kind and charitable Oracle, what should I do > to make Rebecca fall madly and passionately in love with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rebecca, eh?  What a cutie! } } The Oracular Staff (the administrative staff, ozone breath, not the } phallic one) have come up with the following Action Plan to Get the } Babes.  We recommend highly that you follow the steps in alphabetical } order.  (We acknowledge, too, that step H could be moved to the end of } the list.) } } STEP          ACTION } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } A             Be a gentleman } B             Spend money on date } C             Beg miserably } D             Spend money on professional } E             Hang out in bars } F             Get inflatable doll } G             Take medication } H             Become a eunuch } I             Join a monastery } J             Monastery no fun, join health club, observe clam press* } K             Spend money on phone sex } L             Visit Montana } M             Acquire fainted babe } N             Feign near death } O             Enroll in "Hollywood Agent" course } P             Become a professional } Q             Become a senator } R             Ride a Chicago subway train } S             Get a perm** } } *the clam press is the station where they lift weights by squeezing } their thighs together, for those who don't know. } } **this may require minoxydil. } } I wish you luck, Buck. } } You owe the Oracle a clam press machine.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, who owns batteries that outlasts that damn rabit > from Energizer, please tell me this one item: > > What is the differences between the Structralists and the > Functionalists? And what difference does it make? > > Your humble servant, > > Steve

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very good, my son!  You are growing towards the five-fold path of } Enlightened Computer Programming. } } ``What is the five fold path,'' you ask, and what does it have to } do with your question?  Allow me this one small digression and } you will see the answer to your question soon enough. } } The five-fold path of Enlightened Computer Programming is the Way } To Write Programs That Will Never Fail.  It's teachings are } as follows: } } 1)  ``Never take the shortcut through the woods when the main }       path will take you there'' } }     Even in today's enlightened society, there are still languages }     and programmers that use the goto statement.  Since the goto }     statement is Evil, being Harmful to Normal Program Execution }     and Lacking of Simplicty in Verifying Correctness (and it might }     make your code run faster than the guy who did it correctly), }     you must Never Use a Goto statement. } } 2)  ``Live according to your means, never more nor less'' } }     We live in a Multi-User World, and programmers can no longer }     afford to assume that the World is theirs to Use or Waste as }     They See Fit.  You must therefore remember Always to Allocate }     what space You will Need, but Never More, for there are Those }     Others around who are Needier than You, and Never Less, for }     Memory Traps and the Wolves of Bounds Checking abound for those }     Unwary enough to Step Outside their Rightful Reign. } } 3)  ``Return to the People that which was taken from Them'' } }     In Following from the Previous Statement, you must Always }     Deallocate Space which you No Longer can Use.  The Fields }     and Memory Banks are always Ripe and Ready to be Harvested }     by Someone Else if you are No Longer in Need of them. } } 4)  ``Be exact with your dealings with the Public, for they }       shall find your faults and shall exploit them'' } }     In all matters of Public Relations, let others be aware of }     your Abilities and Limitations.  To be a Useful Cog in the }     Machine of the CPU, You must Perform Flawlessly, and You must }     Tell Others how to Use You to your Fullest.  Therefore let }     All your Public Functions be Well Documented, All your }     Structures Cleanly Implemented, and Let Not the Side Effects }     of Unwariness Penetrate your Defenses. } } 5)  ``Ignore the Structuralists and the Functionalists, for They }      have No Meaning in a World of Objects.'' } } You owe the Oracle an object-oriented C compiler that does it right, } rather than the load of BS that they made out of C++ and tried to } propogate through their evil ways and dealin012359ujqpgpv;3gt } [this message has been blacked out by the Commission for a Confused } Century of C++]