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Internet Oracularities #398

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Usenet Oracularities #398    (27 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 23 Jan 92 09:07:18 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   398
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

398   27 votes 44b71 137c4 5a741 99540 039a5 24885 02aa5 29f10 5b821 247c2
398   3.0 mean  2.9   3.6   2.5   2.1   3.6   3.4   3.7   2.6   2.4   3.3


398-01    (44b71 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham@bra0116.wins.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo, dude!  Who put the bomp in the bomp-ba-bomp-ba-bomp?  Who put the
> ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong?  Who put the bop in the
> bop-she-bop-she-bop?  Who put the dip in the dip-de-dip-de-dip?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Yo, dude?"  Sheesh, kids these days.  Absolutely no respect for elders
} (and wisers, and betters, and smarters, and ... )
}
} [15 minutes of Oracular ego-building later]
}
} The bomp in the bomp-ba-bomp-ba-bomp is a typographical error.  In the
} original text, it read "pomp," and was intended to replace and update
} "Pomp and Circumstance."  However, due to the mistake at the print
} shop, it was misrouted into popular music.  Vergil Muldoon, printer's
} apprentice, put the bomp in the bomp-ba-bomp-ba-bomp.
}
} The ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong thinks it's a sheep.  Not too
} interesting, unless you like watching farm animals copulate.  Old
} Macdonald (who breeds the critters) put the ram in the
} rama-lama-ding-dong.
}
} The bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop is required by the Political
} Correctness act of 1991, because without it, the lyric would be
} "she-she," which is sexist exploitation in the popular entertainment
} industry.  Senator Kennedy put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop.
}
} The dip in the dip-de-dip-de-dip (onion and sour cream) is from Lay's.
} Jay Leno put the dip in the dip-de-dip-de-dip.
}
} You owe the Oracle two shas, five nas, three heys, and a good-bye.


398-02    (137c4 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Oracle baby...  You're pretty cool Cyberbeing.  In fact, I'd say
> you're just about the hoopiest frood I've run across in
> gigananoseconds.
>
> So, like, tell me...  Haven't we met somewhere before?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me think back... hmmm... YES!  Now I remember.
}
} It was a dark night, in 1463.  The moon was covered by clouds.  I
} walked alone on the English Moors.  I heard a frightful and death-like
} howling.
}  Was it a were-wolf?  Or maybe just a lost dog baying at the moon.
}
} I traveled the darkened path slowly, for fear of being sighted by the
} villagers.  Witch burnings were all the rage, and an omniscient Oracle
} could be mistaken for a worlock.
}
} I wandered into a tavern, The Bull's Neck, I recall.  The villagers
} were talking of witches and how some could ride in the air.  They said
} only a witch could do that.  I foolishly joined the conversation.
}
}  "Oh, no" I said, without thinking  "By the mid-20th century flight
} would be a commonplace occurance."
}
} "How could you know that?" A villager asked  "Can YOU see into the
} future, or are you just trying to trick us?"
}
} I paused, and decided to go for the truth.  "Yes, I can see into the
} future, because I have been there."
}
} That's when YOU showed up!  "WITCH!  WITCH!!"  YOU yelled.  "BURN,
} BURN, BURN!!!"
}
} YOU grabbed me, and with the help of the other villagers tied me to a
} post.  YOU organized a search party for wood, YOU helped to lay the
} pyre.  I tried to escape, to convince you to stop the maddness.  YOU
} were unrelenting.  Finally, YOU took a lit torch and were about to
} light the pyre.
}
} I watched as YOU brought the torch closer--
}
}  No, wait--- aren't you the guy that works the Slurpee machine at the
}  7-11?
}
} Sorry!
}
} YOU owe the oracle a trip to Salem, MA, or a rootbeer Slurpee


398-03    (5a741 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O hoopy Oracle, who is such a well-sassed frood that he always knows
> where his towel is, who can comprehend Bistromathematics, who has a
> complete psychologicial profile of the Man who rules the Universe, and
> who even knows what a flowerpot means when it thinks, "Oh no, not
> again"...
>
> Could you please direct me to the nearest alt.fan.douglas-adams detox
> center?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Every particle in the universe affects every other particle, however
} faintly or obliquely.  Everything interconnects with everything.  The
} beating of a butterfly's wings in China can affect the course of an
} Atlantic hurricane. If I could interrogate this table leg in a way that
} made sense to me, or to the table leg, then it could provide me with
} the answer to any question in the universe.  I could ask anybody I
} liked, chosen entirely by chance, any random question I cared to think
} of, and their answer, or lack of it, would in some way bear upon the
} problem to which I am seek the solution.  It is only a question of
} knowing how to interpret it.  Even you, whom I have met entirely by
} chance, probably know things that are vital to my investigation, if
} only I knew what to ask you, which I don't, and if only I could be
} bothered to, which I can't.  Second door on your left.


398-04    (99540 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is the end of the Universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 115 miles west of LA.


398-05    (039a5 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> women - wymyn
> freshman - why not freshwymyn

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm. . . no groveling.  The Oracle will answer, despite the blow to his
} ego.
}
} Indeed, "freshwymyn" is growing in use as our language moves into the
} modern era.  Today's world requires us to rid our speech of the worst
} of all evils, that of discrimination.
}
} The most blatant form of discrimination in written English today is its
} bias against letters with descenders.  In our entire alphabet of 26
} letters, only five: g, j, p, q and y, extend below the baseline.   And
} none of these are even among the most common 15 letters in the
} language. To remedy the underrepresentation of this marginalized
} minority, affirmative action language reforms are a moral imperative.
}
} Thus, "women" becomes "wymyn," increasing minority representation from
} 0% to 40%.  "Freshwomen" should rightly become "freshwymyn," with a
} minority representation of 20%.  However, in an agreement with the
} feminist lobby, the descenders' lobby has recognized the echo of the
} word "men" in "freshwymyn," and has pledged its support behind the word
} "freshwypeople" which serves both groups as it increases minority
} representation to 23%.  In addition, it throws a bone to the less
} influential ascenders' lobby, by adding an l which rises above the
} baseline.
}
} The descenders did try to force a change in the first half of the word
} by replacing "fresh" with its synonym "ripe," thus incrementing the
} descender count and also increasing representation by shortening the
} word.  But "ripewypeople" (rating 33%) aroused the ire of the
} ascenders, and the descenders' lobby felt they would be unable to
} override a promised Presidential veto.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dictionary which lists "syzygy" (rating 67%).


398-06    (24885 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most gracious oracle, whose wisdome is surpassed only by the size of
> his beer belly, whose knowledge is broader than the width of his neck,
> whose love is greater than the forest primeivil (whoops, got carried
> away)...
>
> please tell me:  do imaginary friends count with imaginary numbers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mortal, you have discovered one of the fundamental truths of
} the Universe.
}
} Basically,  when the big fella created the Universe, he made
} sure that the only numbers which worked were integers.  This
} is  why  he  invented  all this quantum stuff to support it.
} This worked fine until one day one of the angels  fell  from
} grace  and went on to start a rival organisation:  no names,
} no packdrill.
}
} Now he invented all kinds of stuff. Many of  his  inventions
} were  there  not  only  to  tempt  mankind  and  lead  it to
} damnation, but also to confuse the carefully laid  plans  of
} the  old  man. For example, credit cards and mortgages. Have
} you ever seen interest rates expressed as an integer? No.  I
} thought  not. Another source of human misery he produced was
} staistics. Imagine that done only with integers.
}
} So, time went by, and ultimately the old man  retaliated  by
} inventing  Electrical  Engineering (no, it's not the work of
} the Devil, which most EE  students  find  difficult  to  be-
} lieve).  To support this new invention he also invented com-
} plex numbers. This, alas,  complicated  the  fabric  of  the
} Universe  so much that it will, ulitmately, collapse in upon
} itself. Next Thursday, in fact.
}
} Periodically, people are sucked in to the complex world  and
} appear as imaginary friends. A fact known to a few mathemat-
} ical  adventurers  is that the Bermuda Triangle is a massive
} Argand diagram. These poor  unfortunates  are  unaware  that
} they  are in the wrong half of the universe, and to them im-
} aginary numbers appear real  and  vice  versa.  Occasionally
} they  get  sucked from the complex world back in to the real
} one, but of course they then appear as anti-matter  and  end
} up irradiating what's left of the scenery.
}
} So, to answer your question, to you your imaginary friend is
} complex.  To him you are both complex and negative.
}
} You owe the Oracle a floating point unit for his abacus.


398-07    (02aa5 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle,
>
> Who precisely is this lurching banana which has followed me since 1941?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, man.  Another one.  Well, this one's not going to be a total waste.
}
}               *               * interlude *           *
}
} "Oh, Ray! -- C'mon in here.  It's about time you started learning the
} biz."
}
} "Aw, dad!..."
}
} "This is important."
}
} "But dad -- 'Flaming Supplicants Through the Ages' is on PBS next!"
}
} "Ah, well *that's* different!  That would be an excellent place to
} start your education."
}
} [Touching father/son quality time deleted in the interests of space]
}
} "Now, Ray, take a look at this 'question'.  What do you see?"
}
} "Looks like some random glop the poor sap threw together hoping that
} the Mighty Oracle might make something amusing out of it."
}
} "Very good.  Getting the Oracle to make silk purses out of sow's ears
} is a popular hobby on the net."
}
} "Geeze.  'Course, there's also a weird Freudian interpretation..."
}
} "Go on."
}
} "The banana is obviously a phallic symbol.  Also, the image of the
} single banana away from the bunch seems to be rather powerful.  Looks
} like the poor sap can't get laid or think of a good question."
}
} "Excellent.  Figuring out how to get laid is another popular hobby on
} the net.  Since we've discerned the full meaning of the 'question', the
} only thing remaining is how to respond."
}
} "Gee, dad.  Seems like the crawling worm hardly deserves a well-thought
} out reply.  We oughta flame his butt to Alpha Centauri."
}
} "Sounds good to me."
}
}               *               * finale *              *
}
} The Oracle has no idea.  Just to be on the safe side, though, I'll
} transport you to Alpha Centauri.  You owe the Oracle a real question.


398-08    (29f10 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        O great, glorious and (by definition) unique Oracle, yea, ye who
> can play up to the uttermost level in Lemmings, whose heavenly sneakers
> are always a pristine white, who never had a zit, please answer this
> most humble and dedicated of your unworthy servants:
>
>        Whatever happened to KC and the Sunshine Band?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is surprising how often people such as yourself ask this question.
} Kevin Carter and the Sunshine Silver Band of Barnsley East in
} Yorkshire were obviously more popular in their day than I had
} realised. It has not proved possible to trace all of the members,
} however the principals have been located:
}
} Kevin himself, the band-leader and solo tuba-ist, now owns a pie shop
} in Preston, imaginitively named "Kevin's Pie Shop". In his spare time
} he works as a consultant ethnic musicologist to the BBC Northern
} Region.
}
} Tom Squire, the much-vaunted cornet player, is now a balding P.E.
} teacher at Barnsley Grammar School. His cornet has not seen the light
} of day for several years, and Tom has taken to polishing his pate in
} preference to his instrument.
}
} Isaiah Baker, the slide trombonist, pursued a musical career after
} the band broke up, playing with orchestras such as the Manchester
} Phil., and also working as a session musician with the Beatles, the
} Rolling Stones, and the Laughing Policeman. Unfortunately he started
} to be adversely influenced by the lifestyle of these young people, and
} after many rumours of deteriorating health, was eventually found dead
} in a hotel room after an overdose of long hair and free love.
}
} William "Billy" Probitt, the "Big Bass Drum" player, who developed an
} astounding physique through lunching exclusively on steak-and-kidney
} pies and beer and marching for hours beating upon his drum, fell in
} love with a glockenspielist from the Salvation Army, got religion,
} fell out of love again, got a different religion, and ended up a
} Methodist minister, and now works at a small church north of York in
} Little Midden.
}
} For this deeply researched answer, you owe the oracle a
} c.d. of British Brass Band Hits of the Early Fifties.


398-09    (5b821 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh most kind and charitable Oracle, what should I do
> to make Rebecca fall madly and passionately in love with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rebecca, eh?  What a cutie!
}
} The Oracular Staff (the administrative staff, ozone breath, not the
} phallic one) have come up with the following Action Plan to Get the
} Babes.  We recommend highly that you follow the steps in alphabetical
} order.  (We acknowledge, too, that step H could be moved to the end of
} the list.)
}
} STEP          ACTION
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} A             Be a gentleman
} B             Spend money on date
} C             Beg miserably
} D             Spend money on professional
} E             Hang out in bars
} F             Get inflatable doll
} G             Take medication
} H             Become a eunuch
} I             Join a monastery
} J             Monastery no fun, join health club, observe clam press*
} K             Spend money on phone sex
} L             Visit Montana
} M             Acquire fainted babe
} N             Feign near death
} O             Enroll in "Hollywood Agent" course
} P             Become a professional
} Q             Become a senator
} R             Ride a Chicago subway train
} S             Get a perm**
}
} *the clam press is the station where they lift weights by squeezing
} their thighs together, for those who don't know.
}
} **this may require minoxydil.
}
} I wish you luck, Buck.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clam press machine.


398-10    (247c2 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, who owns batteries that outlasts that damn rabit
> from Energizer, please tell me this one item:
>
> What is the differences between the Structralists and the
> Functionalists? And what difference does it make?
>
> Your humble servant,
>
> Steve

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very good, my son!  You are growing towards the five-fold path of
} Enlightened Computer Programming.
}
} ``What is the five fold path,'' you ask, and what does it have to
} do with your question?  Allow me this one small digression and
} you will see the answer to your question soon enough.
}
} The five-fold path of Enlightened Computer Programming is the Way
} To Write Programs That Will Never Fail.  It's teachings are
} as follows:
}
} 1)  ``Never take the shortcut through the woods when the main
}       path will take you there''
}
}     Even in today's enlightened society, there are still languages
}     and programmers that use the goto statement.  Since the goto
}     statement is Evil, being Harmful to Normal Program Execution
}     and Lacking of Simplicty in Verifying Correctness (and it might
}     make your code run faster than the guy who did it correctly),
}     you must Never Use a Goto statement.
}
} 2)  ``Live according to your means, never more nor less''
}
}     We live in a Multi-User World, and programmers can no longer
}     afford to assume that the World is theirs to Use or Waste as
}     They See Fit.  You must therefore remember Always to Allocate
}     what space You will Need, but Never More, for there are Those
}     Others around who are Needier than You, and Never Less, for
}     Memory Traps and the Wolves of Bounds Checking abound for those
}     Unwary enough to Step Outside their Rightful Reign.
}
} 3)  ``Return to the People that which was taken from Them''
}
}     In Following from the Previous Statement, you must Always
}     Deallocate Space which you No Longer can Use.  The Fields
}     and Memory Banks are always Ripe and Ready to be Harvested
}     by Someone Else if you are No Longer in Need of them.
}
} 4)  ``Be exact with your dealings with the Public, for they
}       shall find your faults and shall exploit them''
}
}     In all matters of Public Relations, let others be aware of
}     your Abilities and Limitations.  To be a Useful Cog in the
}     Machine of the CPU, You must Perform Flawlessly, and You must
}     Tell Others how to Use You to your Fullest.  Therefore let
}     All your Public Functions be Well Documented, All your
}     Structures Cleanly Implemented, and Let Not the Side Effects
}     of Unwariness Penetrate your Defenses.
}
} 5)  ``Ignore the Structuralists and the Functionalists, for They
}      have No Meaning in a World of Objects.''
}
} You owe the Oracle an object-oriented C compiler that does it right,
} rather than the load of BS that they made out of C++ and tried to
} propogate through their evil ways and dealin012359ujqpgpv;3gt
} [this message has been blacked out by the Commission for a Confused
} Century of C++]


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