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Internet Oracularities #399

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399, 399-01, 399-02, 399-03, 399-04, 399-05, 399-06, 399-07, 399-08, 399-09, 399-10


Usenet Oracularities #399    (23 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 25 Jan 92 10:26:49 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   399
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

399   23 votes 09a22 076a0 28652 17753 1a831 26771 04b62 27464 39830 16853
399   3.0 mean  2.9   3.1   2.9   3.1   2.7   3.0   3.3   3.1   2.5   3.1


399-01    (09a22 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle...my brother Bob says he knows more than you.  I asked
> him what number I was thinking of, and he said 34,520, but he was
> wrong.  What number am I thinking of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, my friend, this depends on a number of personality factors which
} you may or may not have at certain values.
}
} One of these is the perversion factor (high number = nymphomaniac, low
} number = impotent or frigid).  If this is very high, the number which
} you would tend to be thinking is 69, of course.
}
} There is also the geek factor, which would tend to make one think of
} the number pi (3.14159...).
}
} Yet another factor is the blonde factor.  The number here is 1, since
} most of them can only count that high, thus ruling out all other
} numbers.
}
} There are other factors, but these are some of the more important ones.
}  The blonde factor should be low for you, since if it were high, you
} would not be able to figure out how to turn on your computer, let alone
} send email.  The geek factor must also be low, since if it were high, I
} would respond not with a letter but with a high-voltage electrical
} surge across the communication line (the less of those types sending me
} mail, the better).  This leaves the perversion factor, which I judge to
} be high in this case.
}
} Therefore, you are thinking of 69.


399-02    (076a0 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Some think that Earth Wind and Fire are the
> building blocks of the universe
> Still others think they are fire, water, gravel, and vinyl.
> Still others think that Hydrogen is the building block of the universe.
> Who's right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, humans are such dolts!  It's no wonder the construction industry
} is in recession!
}
} Let's get this straight, people.  A building block has to be something
} you can BUILD with!  That rules out wind, fire, water and hydrogen
} right off the bat.  No substance there.  If you manage to build
} ANYTHING out of them, you'll win the world's prize for civil
} engineering.  And don't go on about ice, either.  Ever see an igloo
} with a finished basement?
}
} Now let's take gravel.  Not bad, at least when poured into concrete.
} Vinyl is also structurally sound.  When you get right down to it, these
} are the only two of your choices that are actually any use for
} building.
}
} What it comes down to is that the building blocks of the universe are
} two: Rocks and Plastics.  Everthing out there is made of one or the
} other. The Earth is mostly rocks;  its atmosphere is a gaseous plastic
} formed from chlorofluorocarbon deposits from aerosol sprays.  The sun
} is a rocplastic composite engineered for luminosity.  And the stars are
} painted on the plastic celestial sphere with a semigloss by DuPont.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of Lego.  And, since you didn't grovel, a set
} of Duplo.


399-03    (28652 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why has the bearer of wisdom have no question for me, the mere mortal
> Devilish one?  Just when I need you to ask me questions.... you have
> abandoned me. Please answer oh great one...
>
> The Mortal Red Devil...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Milton once said, "They also serve who only stand and wait." Of
} course, he was reknowned for leaving small tips.  In any event, silence
} is sometimes the most profound question one can ask.  Or is it the most
} profound answer?  The Mighty Oracle, omniscient though he is, gets that
} sort of thing confused sometimes, especially when Lisa is sucking on his
} toes.
}       Your desperation is quite understandable.  As Socrates
} demonstrated, continued and stubborn questioning is the surest way to
} self-actualization, as long as one doesn't mind sipping the occasional
} hemlock cocktail.  So, as a demonstration of my all-generous
} munificence, I shall present you with the following question, which I
} encourage you to ponder for as long as you will:
}
} > Why has the bearer of wisdom have no question for me, the mere mortal
} > Devilish one?  Just when I need you to ask me questions.... you have
} > abandoned me. Please answer oh great one...
} >
} > The Mortal Red Devil...
}
}       There. Make sense of that one. I certainly couldn't.


399-04    (17753 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh humongously scratchy Oracle, to whom Godzilla is merely an
> ambivalent Japanese monster and superhero, to whom pederasty is merely
> sexual realations with children, and to a good cigar is merely a smoke,
> tell me please:
>
> A lot of self-important types have been discussing changing the name of
> your newsgroup.  How do YOU feel bout this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, and heed my words!
}
} If you took a big handful of lard and rubbed it all over your body,
} including armpits and nostrils, would you be a different person?  No.
}
} Well, what if you were to take yourself and lie down in the hot sun
} until all the lard began to fester and rot?  Would you be a different
} person?  No.
}
} And finally, what if you were to be hit by a blue whale falling
} mysteriously from the sky?  Would that change the true inner nature of
} your heart and soul and mind?  Yes, because you'd be dead.
}
} Listen and learn, my children!
}
} The Great Usenet Oracle


399-05    (1a831 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise of all oraclekind. What's inside a quark?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      "Ah, finally a decent question accompanied by an acceptable
} grovel," said the Oracle, getting up to raid the ever-stocked divine
} refrigerator.  "Let's see...  pickled supplicant brains, leftover foie
} gras...  maybe it's behind the tub of beluga...  Yes, here we are!"
} Carefully, the Mighty One removed a small carton labeled 'One Half Dozen
} Grade AAA Quarks' and put it down on the counter next to the stove,
} where a skillet was already being heated.
}      "Okay, one more time," he said, cracking each quark into the
} skillet in turn.  "This is your brain." <CRACK> "This is an upper
} quark." <CRACK> "This is a downer quark." <CRACK> "This is a top quark."
} <CRACK> "This is a bottom quark." <CRACK> "This is a charmed quark"
} <CRACK-CHING!> "And this is a strange quark.  Any questions?"
}
} You owe the Oracle some mushrooms and peppers for his omelette.


399-06    (26771 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh blessed Oracle, whose underwear never bunches up in the back
> in that *particularly* uncomfortable way, please enlighten me this:
>
>     Has Walt Whitman fufilled the role of the American Poet as
>     conceptualized by Emerson, or is he in fact just a hairy
>     oversexed mountain man with a penchent for writing erotic
>     poetry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Emerson's opinion is that Whitman is very close to fulfilling the
} role of the American Poet.  However, Lake and Palmer lean towards
} the "oversexed hairy mountain man" theory.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lumberjack who is OK, who sleeps all night and
} works all day.


399-07    (04b62 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O huge and powerfully phlegmatic oracle, whose sinuses clear the world
> of all idiocy, please answer for me the following question:
>
> What's the difference between a booger and a bugger?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} booger:  a globule of phlegm which hangs from the nose.  Also known as
}          "nature's Krazy Glue."
} bugger:  questioners like you, you little bugger, who think it's cute
}          to make fun of the Oracle's immortal shnozzola
}
} What's the difference?
}
} You can pick your questioners, and you can pick your nose, but only the
} Oracle can pick his questioners from his nose and wipe them on the
} couch.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Kleenex (tm).


399-08    (27464 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, knower of the unknowable, decider of the undecidable,
> prover of the unprovable, will computer scientists ever determine
> rigorously whether P=NP?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, and you can be the one to do it (with my help of course).  Here is
} the proof:
}
}       By lemma 13.7 we know that NP=P
}       Therefore P=NP Q.E.D.
}
} The proof of lemma 13.7 is left as an exercise for the supplicant.


399-09    (39830 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and mighty Oracle, whose fame may be about to increase due
> to the impending transfer of Thine group of sacred writings,
> alt.humor.oracle, to the realm of High Propagation, the rec.*
> hierarchy, ...
>
> How many shall vote for Thy new groups?  And how many against?
> And how shalt thou smight down those who dare to vote against Thee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   I can't tell you the results beforehand! You know that! Y'see, while
} I'm happily omnipotent and already know excatly upon which newsgroup
} I will reaside in the coming months, to tell you would ruin the
} suspense. And besides, telling you would affect the outcome of the
} vote. By giving this response to your query (both of which, of course,
} I anticipated), I am ensuring that the outcome that I foresee shall
} take place. So don't bother.
}   Now smiting, that's another thing. That's fun in and of itself. If
} people vote against it, I may just have to call a rainstorm of a
} thousand hailstones the size of watermellons to dump itself on their
} brand new BMW. Or, in some cases, I'll have to place two of the
} infamous Energizer bunnies - one female, one male - in their homes and
} allow them and their children torment them for the remainder of their
} known lives.
}   But that's just a thought. I can't really tell you some of the
} meaner things, cuz that would also change the outcome.
}
}   You owe the oracle another newsgroup.


399-10    (16853 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   If a star is 20 light years away, and has a stellar magnitude of
> 2.1, and you travel, by unknown means, towards the star at 30l.334
> times the speed of light, but you are wearing a light reflective
> bodysuit, and have artificial inertia fields compensating for the
> gravitational forces working towards ripping your poor flesh to
> shreds, then how long would it take you to eat a tuna on
> rye....without mustard?  In addition, how would it effect the
> situation if you are male or female? Lastly, if you are allergic to
> tuna, and must therefore eat some other form of meat, what meat would
> be the closest in terms of speed, color, and fragrance...not to
> mention agility?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, any good Physics prof. worth his atomic weight in protons
} will readily tell you that gender has nothing to do with it.  That gets
} one problem out of the way.
}
} Secondly, what you are referring to is the tuna paramagnetism curve
} first discovered and published by Wee No Gettit.  The curve, being an
} inversely proportional Electro-parafusical wave configuration of rye
} bread, first used by Noah Comprendo, allows us to generalize about the
} behavior of most sandwich meats at greater than light speeds.  Mustard,
} being an external factor rarely used on such journeys, can be
} disregarded as being immaterial as you have correctly pointed out.
} This was first showed by Provmi Rong and later backed up by research
} from the FDA who stringently requires that the mustard be properly
} labelled as being unsuitable for warp speeds as well as cholesterol
} free.
}
} The truth is that we honestly don't know.  Until we have the vital
} ability to run the tuna through the Linear Partical Accelerator now
} being built, all of our current knowledge can only lead to speculation.
}  It is believed, however, that chipped ham has a very similar
} consistency to tuna at such high velocity.  This oracle subscribes to
} this theory as he likes neither sandwich.  If it were up to me, all
} creatures travelling through space should be forced to eat roast beef
} with provolone cheese, heavy on the mayo.  People, being the
} non-conformists that they are, refuse to accept such sage advice.
} Mores the pity...
}
} You owe the oracle and artificial inertia field and a way to make money
} off of it.


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