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Internet Oracularities #4

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Usenet Oracularities #4
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 10 Oct 89 02:39:29 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


4-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do "personal" computers do to get that description?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question can be easily answered, by examining the different
} meanings of the adjective "personal" :
} 1. of, relating to, or affecting a person
}       It is clear that all "personal computers" affect the person
}       who operates them. Any examination of a sufficiently large
}       sample would reveal that people who operate "personal computers"
}       tend to be aggressive, cyclothymic and unreliable.
} 2. of, relating to, or constituting personal property
}       This is indeed tha case with the majority of the so-called
}       "personal computers." Rare is the case of such a machine
}       constituting the property of more than one person, and these
}       cases almost inevitably end in the killing of the operator
}       who has all the high scores.
} 3. rational and self-conscious
}       This is completely false and preposterous. No further
}       explanation is needed.
}
} Since two out of three definitions match the facts and only one
} contradicts them, by the majority rule, these machines deserve
} their description.


4-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many roads must a man walk down before he finds a
> damn good pub?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let us define n to be the number of roads a man must travel before he
} finds the pub defined above.  We may thus define n+1 to be the first
} road which a man need not travel in order to reach a good pub.  Now the
} traversal of road n+1 is not a necessary condition, but rather a
} sufficient one; thus it is sufficient for n+2 as well.  Thus the
} statement is true for x roads where x is >= n.  Therefore, by induction,
} it is true for any finite number x greater than n.  We may conclude that
} the statement is true for sufficiently large x, or alternatively that as
} x approaches infinity, the number of roads that have been travelled
} become sufficient to have found a good pub.
}
} Does this answer your question?


4-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what does unix mean!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unix * means:
} - the end of life as we know it
} - the beginning of life as we can't even imagine
} - a phonetic transcription of the word for a bunch of castrated harem
}   guards
} - a pun on Multics?  nah ...
} - welcome to the world of the cyberpunks!
} - partytime for the hackers and crackers
} - never having to say DIR
}
} * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.


4-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, please tell me how I can abate myself of my nipple fixation.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Ah, my son, or daughter as the case may be, your inquiry on the true
} path is vague. You may remove your nipple fixation with a sharp knife
} and a large dosage of ethyl alcohol, or do it sober if you are brave. On
} the other hand, if this obsession of yours is of OTHER persons' nipples,
} another method will suffice. Take the afore mentioned dirk and remove
} your sinful eyes.
}   Do not shy from these methods. The road of truth is a long and arduous
} one only the valiant and pure may tread.
}   The Oracle has spoken.


4-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the largest root of the polynomial
>
>    1 * x ^ 71 +  0 * x ^ 70 -  1 * x ^ 69 -  2 * x ^ 68 -  1 * x ^ 67
> +  2 * x ^ 66 +  2 * x ^ 65 +  1 * x ^ 64 -  1 * x ^ 63 -  1 * x ^ 62
> -  1 * x ^ 61 -  1 * x ^ 60 -  1 * x ^ 59 +  2 * x ^ 58 +  5 * x ^ 57
> +  3 * x ^ 56 -  2 * x ^ 55 - 10 * x ^ 54 -  3 * x ^ 53 -  2 * x ^ 52
> +  6 * x ^ 51 +  6 * x ^ 50 +  1 * x ^ 49 +  9 * x ^ 48 -  3 * x ^ 47
> -  7 * x ^ 46 -  8 * x ^ 45 -  8 * x ^ 44 + 10 * x ^ 43 +  6 * x ^ 42
> +  8 * x ^ 41 -  5 * x ^ 40 - 12 * x ^ 39 +  7 * x ^ 38 -  7 * x ^ 37
> +  7 * x ^ 36 -  1 * x ^ 35 -  3 * x ^ 34 + 10 * x ^ 33 +  1 * x ^ 32
> -  6 * x ^ 31 -  2 * x ^ 30 - 10 * x ^ 29 -  3 * x ^ 28 +  2 * x ^ 27
> +  9 * x ^ 26 -  3 * x ^ 25 + 14 * x ^ 24 -  8 * x ^ 23 +  0 * x ^ 22
> -  7 * x ^ 21 +  9 * x ^ 20 +  3 * x ^ 19 -  4 * x ^ 18 - 10 * x ^ 17
> -  7 * x ^ 16 + 12 * x ^ 15 +  7 * x ^ 14 +  2 * x ^ 13 - 12 * x ^ 12
> -  4 * x ^ 11 -  2 * x ^ 10 +  5 * x ^  9 +  0 * x ^  8 +  1 * x ^  7
> -  7 * x ^  6 +  7 * x ^  5 -  4 * x ^  4 + 12 * x ^  3 -  6 * x ^  2
> +  3 * x ^  1 -  6 * x ^  0
>
> really
>       1.3035772690342963912570991121525498
> or were my calculations wrong ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Ah, my son, you have made two errors. One is that of the value of
} mathematics. For, in the subjective reality in which each of us floats,
} math and logic are merely shadows brought on by late night pizzas and
} staring at computer monitors. Whatever you believe the answer to be is
} fine in your thoughtstream.
}   The second is the problem of quantum uncertainty. The machine or
} neurological system calculating this is subject to quatum fluctuations
} which build up in more complicated problems. This allows for variation
} of output. There is a real chance that two devices can arrive at
} different answers, though both have followed the same, CORRECT, methods.
} Thus, both answers are right. Thus, any single answer is useless. A
} divergent answer is not an indication of wrongness, just an indication
} of the natural order.
}   There exist thinkers who have not yet reached this level of sophistry,
} and thus their minds may not be equipped to comprehend the vast truth of
} the Oracle. Some of these karmic dwarves seem to be in postitions of
} intellectual power, known as `professors', or more generally,
} `teachers'. If they doubt the veracity of your enlightened state, you
} may refer them to the priesthood of Oracle.
}   We bless you.


4-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you have expressed the basic question of all philosophy and
} religion. What should my question be? The hopeless and meaningless
} nature of living is evident all around, but many feel there MUST be some
} goal to strive for, some question which has an answer and can fill the
} void of What should I do? The Oracle smiles upon you.
}   The answer to your question is this question: `Why, when I'm not busy
} and up to my neck in overdue work, is life still so unenjoyable?'
}   For the answer to that question, you must ask the Oracle again.


4-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is it that makes mosquitos attack some people, like me,
> more viciously and consistantly than other people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mosquitos may attack some people because they sense the true depravity
} that exists in the soul of those they attack.  Perhaps they are sent to
} purify the world of the spiritually impure by giving them diseases such
} as malaria.  Perhaps they are the servants of evil sent to devour all
} that is good and spread pestilance around the globe.  Maybe it's a
} biochemical thing.  Or maybe it's just a coincidence?  (Sorry I can't
} narrow down the answer)


4-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is there UNIX?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} UNIX is god's second gift upon mankind to cleanse us of
} all our sins.  His first gift was ?... you guessed it
} , toenail clippers.   Anyways, UNIX shall cleanse the world
} off the sins creadted by VMS and allow mankind to rise to a
} new level of consciencousness.


4-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is one prong on a wall plug wider than the other?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supposedly, it's because this arrangement protects your electronic
} equipment by providing a ground.  Actually, it's because the great Gods
} of Electromotive Force require a small sacrifice of time and profanity
} every time you plug something in.


4-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is todd so dumb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, many people have pondered this question throughout history,
} along with many other important questions of philosophy, such as:  "Why
} is there air?" "Does the little light in the refridgerator stay on when
} you close the door?" "Is there life after death, and if so, do they have
} bowling leagues?" Alas, we can only guess at the answers to such
} questions (though there are some individuals who believe the answer to
} these questions, along with others, lies within the mystic chantings of
} the Zubutu frog-lickers.) "Why is Todd so dumb?" Well, all evidence,
} gleaned from years of deep thought and sophisticated philosophical
} research, can yield only the following answer, inadequate though it may
} be:  "Because he is."


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