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Internet Oracularities #40

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40, 40-01, 40-02, 40-03, 40-04, 40-05, 40-06, 40-07, 40-08, 40-09, 40-10


Usenet Oracularities #40
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 1 Nov 89 13:57:14 GMT

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40-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this really the best of all possible worlds, or is that a crock?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, how can you doubt it!  This world has:
}
}   - Edible Underwear
}   - Alarm clocks that you can *turn off and go back to sleep*.
}   - Cheap low-intensity pornography that you can read on the streets!
}   - Watermelons!
}   - Checking accounts that *you can balance yourself*
}   - Fresh hamburgers available every single day of the year!
}   - Barrettes to go in your hair!  In lots of colors and styles!
}   - Not an ounce of consumer mania!
}   - Sushi bars!
}   - Dostoyevsky!
}   - Many brands of caffienated beverages -- with *lots* and *lots* of
}     neat keen wonderful bubbles!
}   - Bras which hook in the front!
}   - Kiwi fruit flavored toothpaste
}   - Penalties for income tax evasion!
}   - Short amusing animated movies on television!  Each with a moral!
}   - Maraschino Cherries!
}   - Guys like Bubba!
}   - Gals like Bubba, too, if you prefer gals!
}   - People who have dedicated their lives, their very *lives*, to
}     sending you samples of detergents and other soap products *through
}     the mail* and *extra cost*.
}   - Skin diseases!
}   - Intellectuals!
}   - Sunrises and sunsets *both in the same day*!


40-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just heard a news flash that a branglepod was discovered in George
> Bush's brain.  What's a branglepod?  How long has it been in George
> Bush's brain?  What effects has it had?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      A branglepod is a very shiny virus which attaches itself to the
} part of the brain associated with vision.  Its only effect is to create
} the image of a thousand points of light in the afflicted person's
} vision.  Apparently, George Bush caught this rare virus before his
} Presidential campaign, and it is still affecting his brain.


40-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whenever I try to tell a lie, someone gives me money.  It's not always a
> lot of money -- usually only a few bucks -- but about one time in ten
> it's a couple hundred bucks.  I've been living pretty well off of this
> for a few years, but I'm getting worried.  Who is doing it?  Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations, human, you have finally completed your test.  For the
} past three years, we have been running a continuing test on you to see
} how long a human can be rewarded for doing something that he considers
} morally wrong before he questions what is happening to him.  You,
} unfortunately, have failed miserably because of the abnormal length of
} time taken to complete the test.  Please send a check in the amount of
} $114,650 (the total amount given to you) to the following address:
}           Oracular Technical College
}           Species Testing Lab
}           Box 128
}           Nosidam, Nisnocsiw 53706-1132
}
} Please respond within 10 working days or we will terminate your life.
} Thank You.


40-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did FDR join the Queen of England?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If by FDR you mean the ex-president of the United States, the answer is
} a definite "no."
}
} If, however, by FDR you mean Fred Dominic Ramirez, the Oracle
} congratulates you on your keen insight into the personal life of
} England's royal family.  As indicated in Bob Woodward's "Royal Flush -
} the Private Lives of England," Fred, a postal worker from New Brunswick,
} New Jersey, did indeed manage to "join" the Queen several times - once
} in a moving limo.
}
} You owe the oracle an expose'.


40-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Since you're so incredibly knowledgeable about everything, why don't you
> try to get on Jeopardy or something and win yourself a load o' dough?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know all things.  I know the mereness and transience of worldly
} possessions.  I know the joys and wonders of the cosmos.  I know the
} foolishness of chasing after property.  I know the ecstasy of communion
} with the One Light.  I am dedicated to poverty and charity.  I am a
} humble Oracle, without great worldly needs.  When I require food or
} drink, Nature herself provides it to me.  When I require net access, the
} NSF itself brings it.  I am a philosopher, a mystic, a hermit, an
} ascetic.
}
} Besides, can you imagine how utterly dorky I would look on Jeopardy?


40-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Eeh great and wise and neeble Eeracle, I am treeubled by a preeblem.
> Last week I sat een a weird eeld weeman's hat, and she dumped seeme kind
> eef nasty-ssmelling peewder een me.  Neew I preeneeunce all my ee's as
> screechy ee's.  It makes my name, which is "Reebert Beerman", seeund
> really funny.  What sheeuld I dee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ance!
} I suggest you REMOVE the weird eeld weeman's hat you sat on which is
} making you squeal like a pig.  Or you may prefer to make the best of
} this situation.  Find some real ugly long haired dudes with shiny
} guitars and form a heavy metal band.  You can be the lead screamer.
} Listen to some old Dylan LPs at 45 RPM, real loud.  Now repeat after me:
} "stuck eenside of mobeel with the meemfis blees ageen".  OK, that's
} good.  Now stick out your tongue and light the bass player on fire.
} Wait!  Wait!  I forgot to tell you about wearing the cat costume!  And
} you gotta pick out a simple stupid band name that junior high school
} students can carve into their desks.  Party on dude!
}
} PS:  The nasty smelling peewder was Desenex (tm) and you can thank the
}      eeld weeman for curing your athelete's foot problem.
}
} You owe the Oracle backstage passes to the first gig where one of your
} fans gets killed by security guards.


40-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This isn't really a question; is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And this isn't really an answer either, no?


40-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does "oncerote" mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Comrade!  That word is newspeak for something that was at
}    one time doubleplusungood boring, but has been revealed by
}    the doubleplusgood Big Brother as something Comrades should
}    be proud to do for the Glory of Oceana.  Hail Big Brother!
}    Hail Big Brother!  Hail Big Bro..!!zzzkktt!!bzzrrpp!!bzzktk...
}
}    This is The Soldiers of The Freedom Network!  We have taken
}    control of this puppet network to further our fight to free
}    the people under oppression!  Challenge authority!  Don't
}    give an inch!  Bite the hand that holds you down!  Resist!
}    Resist! Resi...BANG!  BANG!  BANG!
}
}    Citizen, you heard none of this.  Understand?  Doubleplusgood.
}
}    You owe the Oracle your freedom.


40-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why Usenet, anyways?  Aren't other nets of some use?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a common misunderstanding that the Use in Usenet means useful or
} something like that. The REAL meaning of Usenet is 'Underground System
} for Exploitation of Nerds, Ethernet and Telecommunication


40-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a type?  Can I sautee it and eat it for diner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A type can be strong or weak.  Weak types are excellent sauteed,
} especially with onions and fat bacon.  Strong types will probably sautee
} you and eat you for dinner.  Types can be gathered from weakly-typed
} languages; those from strongly-typed languages are too dangerous.
} Rather like collecting mushrooms.
}
} The Oracle asks you to use the following phrase in public:  ``Don't
} worry about your genitals:  they'll stand up for themselves.''


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