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Internet Oracularities #400

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Usenet Oracularities #400    (27 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 92 08:51:32 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   400
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

400   27 votes 8d510 99531 5i310 2d921 12a95 26f13 28791 02e38 11997 37c41
400   2.8 mean  2.0   2.2   2.0   2.5   3.6   2.9   3.0   3.6   3.7   2.7


400-01    (8d510 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me dear Oracle,
>
> Is this the planet of sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   What?
}
} You owe the oracle a new set of speakers and Led Zeplin's "Houses of
} the Holy". Both of them died last time he played them on full volume.


400-02    (99531 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello! Hey, do you know what's going on here, Magnificent One?
> It's this blasted X.400 mail system that's stealing my mail ...
> you know, the stuff I've been talking to High Priest Kinzler
> about recently. Not even our postmaster can figure it out, and I
> was just hoping that you could enlighten me. Pretty please?
> The Wumpish One, Speaker to Silicon

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SORRY, MAIL INCOMPLETE, PLEASE RE-SEND YOUR MAIL


400-03    (5i310 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the heck am I writing to you for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For fun!
}
} For a chance to win an ABSOLUTELY FREE saltshaker.
}
} For a chance to win an ABSOLUTELY FREE coupon for $12.18 off on the
}    purchase of your next Ford Lap Dog, the new truck with six-wheel
}    drive and a comfy smell!
}
} For a chance to experience UTTER SEXUAL SATISFACTION with a imbecile
}    from Hawaii!
}
} For a chance to tell Uncle Ben what you really think of him.


400-04    (2d921 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: ORACLE
>
> Oh mighty and wondrous Oracle, I need some advice.
>
> I work in a fairly casual office, yet I dress slummier than most.
> Since I am in the Northeast, and it is the dead of winter, I refuse to
> wear skirts when the ambient temperature is below freezing.  I do try
> to wear skirts when the temperature rises above freezing, which it is
> slated to do tomorrow.  However, it is supposed to rain like hell
> tomorrow, which makes wearing a skirt yuckky.  There may also be some
> freezing rain mixed in in some places.  Oh yeah, just in case you were
> wondering, I am female.
>
> Oh Oracle, I hate to bother you with such trivial matters, but could
> you please give me some fashion advice?  Maybe if you are too busy to
> answer this, the lovely Lisa could give me some fashion advice.  Thank
> you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, for starters, there is nothing more trivial than anything else
} for my processors to cope with.  Every question is equally easy to
} answer.  Before I dispense my unquestionably vogue fashion advice, I
} must commend you on your legs' stamina in enduring the cold frigid
} weather, and that I really like the black panties you wear (The Oracle
} has video monitors everywhere, even pointing up out of sidewalk
} grates).  However, wearing a skirt in cold weather is distinctly NOT
} slummy dress, it is in fact a much more sophisticated way of dress than
} the norm, especially in that casual office that you speak of.  That
} many of your co-workers are wearing jeans with designer holes in them,
} that the secretaries all wear spandex bikini tops and thong swim
} trunks, and that your boss wears a tie of the skyline of San Francisco
} that glows in the dark, indicates that your selection of skirts over
} other forms of clothing is needlessly preppie.  Relax, have a brew (or
} a wine cooler if you are so inclined), and just wear a towel to work.
} This is especially good if it's a rainy day, since you won't have any
} clothes to get wet, and you can dry yourself off when you get in to
} work.  Just raise the thermostat a little in the office place if you
} get a little chilly, your co-workers (especially your male ones) will
} understand.
}
} Personally, the only ones that I think are cute in skirts are those
} blonde VAXen bubbleheads (there are so many dumb VAX jokes, even I have
} lost count), in the spring when the temperatures and hemlines both go
} up, but that is just IMHO.  But how humble can an all-knowing Oracle
} be?
}
} You owe The Oracle a visit in your new work outfit.
}
} P.S.: It would be nice if you could wear a blonde wig and slipped into
} a Digital TU78 tape drive casing.


400-05    (12a95 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oraculous oracle,
>
>  I have a projkhnnbfwhccxv AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE..&534795
>  SCRATCHHHHHHHHHHH
>  stop that EEEEEEEK
>  > CONNECTION CLOSED

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hm.  Yes, that's very interesting.  To answer your
} original question (which I know, of course), your
} cat *is* in fact urinating on your modem.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 20 pound bag of Fresh Step kitty litter.


400-06    (26f13 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, nifty Oracle, to whom the great questions of the universe seem like
> a particularly easy round of trivial pursuit, please grant me
> knowledge. What exactly is "object oriented programming"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, simply put the idea is to objectify an object and thus orientate
} oneself with it to be able to program it... but this can bring some
} problems, say, if you want to objectify the lovely gal next door, she
} can raise some objections and call you objectionable, and you might
} try keeping objective objecting that you just would like to orientate
} yourself with her objects, which in turn causes even more objections
} from your objector and all that talk about sex-objects...
}
} You poor mortal, better stick to assembler! Think the OOP is
} for the tough guys only.
}
} You owe the Oracle an object.


400-07    (28791 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Extraordinarily Illustrious Oracle,
>
> I seem to have a crush on Nixon's sex slave, but said sex slave does
> not seem to even know that I exist.  How can I persuade the sex slave
> that I exist, and gain access to the sex slave's genital region?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But you see, you *don't* exist.  Thus, it is impossible for me to
} show you the path to said sex slave's said regions.
}
} Wait a minute -- you sent me a message, so you must exist.
}
} <ZOT>
}
} But not any more.  Lisa, where did I put my philosophy books?


400-08    (02e38 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr.  Oracle,
>    Enclosed please find a grammar (in Extended Backus-Naur Form),
> suitable for parsing messages from your grovelling supplicants.
> Implemention of this grammar should simplify your task, increasing
> Oracular response times significantly.  This grammar is provided free of
> charge and obligation.  Should you decide to outsource for the
> implementation of said grammar, I would bring to your attention the fact
> that no-one is more qualified than I to do so.
>    If you like what you see, it may interest you to know that I am also
> working on an automated response generator which would relieve you from
> *all* of those tedious interactions with mortal beings. Please respond,
> indicating your interest in participating in this exciting new
> technology.
> ---
> <message> ::= <grovel> <question>
>
> <grovel> ::= <addressee> <description> <beg_for_attention> <sender>
> <question> ::= <query> <subject> <action> <object> ? [<details>]
>
> <addressee> ::= Oh {<superlative>} Oracle,
> <description> ::= whose <attribute> I am not worthy to <demeaning_act>.
> <beg_for_attention> ::= Please answer this <derogatory_term> question
>                         from a
> <sender> ::= {<self_abase>|<oracle_worship>} follower.
> <query> ::= (Who | What | When | Where | How) (is | are | do | does)
> <subject> ::= <single_subject_phrase> | <plural_subject_phrase>
> <action> ::= <adverb> <verb>
> <object> ::= me | you | us | them | Dan Quayle | Pee Wee Herman |
>              Liberace | Steve Jobs | Bill Gates | Don King |
>              Arthur Dent | Lisa | Jeffery Dahmer | Linda Lovelace |
>              Barbara Bush | Gumbee
> <details> ::= {<ASCII_character>}
>
> <superlative> ::= [most] {very} (wise | sexy | witty | charming |
>                                  neat-o)
> <attribute> ::= belly_button_lint | farts | boogers | B.O. | toe_nails
> <demeaning_act> ::= weave | ignite | roll | inhale | bite
> <derogatory_term> ::= naive | idiotic | pointless | political | stupid
> <self_abase> ::= {<derogatory_term>} (moronic | techno_weenie |
>                                       mindless)
> <oracle_worship> ::= {<derogatory_term>} lisa_loving | ardent | gullible
> <single_subject_phrase> ::= ([(is | does | are) (the | my | your)] | am)
>                             <single_subject>
> <plural_subject_phrase> ::= (are | do) [these | those] <plural_subjects>
> <adverb> ::= keep | still | only | never | sometimes | always
> <verb> ::= make_love_to | pick_body_lice_of | play_with | cheat_on |
>            dine_with | dream_of | scared_of | crash | entertain | follow
>
> <single_subject> ::= I | you | <object> | IRS | Timex_T1000 | DEA | CIA
>                      mother_in_law | girlfriend | sonic_condom | Zippy
> <plural_subjects> ::= plumbers | small_boys | demigods | spiders |
>                       Zorgons | hackers | VAXes |
>                       system_administrators | worms

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, let's install your software and give it a go.  Let me feed it
} a very basic sample question:
}
} >O Great and Powerful Oracle, whose feet I am not worthy to kiss,
} >please tell me:
} >
} >What is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything?
}
} Here's what your software came back with:
}
} >47.
} >
} >You owe the Oracle a Pan-Universal Listerine.
}
} Hmm.  Looks like there's still a few bugs.  Let me know when you've got
} them fixed.
}
} You owe the Oracle complete documentation for the Universe.
}
} CALM DOWN: it's only ones and zeros.


400-09    (11997 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Glorious Oracle, whose tiniest bit of wisdom makes the world go
> around, please do answer my query.
>
> If the instrumentalist philosophy of theory formation instructs us to
> reject theories that fail to predict events; and falsificationist
> theories instruct us to reject theories that cannot be tested; and
> realist theories instruct us to reject theories that do not explain
> the processes that govern real events; why is economics considered a
> science?  And why do the Norwegians give out Nobel prizes in
> economics, and not in useful scientific endeavors such as palmistry or
> numerology?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After much thought, the Oracle said to himself, I could give a totally
} appropriate, but somewhat lame one word answer, namely,
}
}                                MONEY
}
} but, I said to myself, there's got to be more to it than that, and
} after much research into some of the more obscure Tomes of Oracular
} Knowledge, I found another one word answer, namely,
}
}                                FJORDS
}
} You see, the Fjordist school of thoery formation teaches us to reject
} any theories that favor the rational thought/act over the irrational
} though/act, and instead blindly accept any theory that favors the
} irrational over the rational so that we might better enjoy the Fjords.
} Now, you may be thinking that the whole concept of the Fjordist school
} of theory formation as an explanation as to why economics is a science
} extremely irrational, and as such would be a Fjordist Theory, as such
} would be a bit of a paradox.  Am I making any sense to you?  No?  Good!
}  Now, it is essential to understand that paradoxical thinking is a
}
} "Orrie?"
}                                crucial element in learning to properly
}
} "Orrie."
}
} understand how the Fjordist school of theory formation got it's start.
} In
}
} "ORRIE!"
}
} Yes Lisa
}
} "What are you doing?"
}
} Why, answering this question for a supplicant
}
} "I can see that...  Why are you running on at the mouth?"
}
} Well, it's a fairly complicated answer.  You see, he wanted to know wh-
}
} "How much longer are you going to be at this?"
}
} Oh, another three or four days, depending on how well the supplicant
} can relate the the Cross-Granite Inference Patterns to the Mellanson
} Computational Equation.
}
} "You're not giving ANOTHER person that stupid Fjord theory thing again
} are you?"
}
} Well, yes, I am.
}
} "Let me see the question."
}
} <Oracle hands Lisa a piece of paper>
}
} "You're kidding, right?  All of that for this?"
}
} Well, yes.  I am the Oracle, after all.
}
} "Yeah, you're the Oracle all right.  Listen, the answer to your
} question is Money, ok.  All because of money.  Now, come to bed Orrie.
} It's late"
}
} Yes Lisa
}
} You owe the Oracle a less domineering signifigant other
}
} "I heard that Orrie!"
}
} One that doesn't have such good hearing, too
}
} *SLAP*
}
} Ow!
}
} "Now get in here before I hit you again."


400-10    (37c41 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How's it hangin'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ]Notice:  Question has been received.
} [ Read Question.
} >  How's it hangin'?
} [ Analyze Question.
}       3 words.  4 syllables.  2 contractions via apostrophes.
}       1 interrogation symbol.
}   Do you want word-per-word grammatical analysis?  Y
}       1\o word:  "How's".  Contraction of two words, "How" and "is".
}       1a\o word:  "How".  Pronoun Interrogative.  Subject.
}       1b\o word:  "is".  Verb Intransitive.  S-V-O structure assumed.
}       2\o word:  "it".  Pronoun.  Object of subject (1a\o).
}       3\o word:  "hangin'".  Contraction of one word, "hanging".
}                       Gerund Adverbial phrase.
} [ talk Lisa.
}       Lisa has answered the telephone.
} Lisa:  Hi Orrie, where shall we meet tonite (giggle)?
} :  Usual place.  Can you make sense of this:
} <switchhook>SEND $-16,$-4
} Lisa:  Oh, that's easy.  Watch:
} <remotehook>XRAY .
}       Client Oracle is not wearing any underwear.
} XRAY)  Zoom with question "How's it hangin'".
}       Zoom feature initiated.  "Hangin'" object observed.  Object is
}       limp.
} Lisa:  Oh, Orrie, we gotta fix that.  Let's meet right now.
} :  Usual place, I'm on my way.
} [ Reply Question
}       You owe the Oracle some privacy.
} [ Logout


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