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Internet Oracularities #401

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401, 401-01, 401-02, 401-03, 401-04, 401-05, 401-06, 401-07, 401-08, 401-09, 401-10


Usenet Oracularities #401    (30 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 92 10:26:03 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   401
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

401   30 votes 7e630 49b60 13c77 7c902 35aa2 09a65 14i61 37d52 27a56 43b75
401   2.9 mean  2.2   2.6   3.5   2.3   3.1   3.2   3.1   2.9   3.2   3.2


401-01    (7e630 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who is all-knowing and wise, what is the purpose of
> groveling?
>
> Your submissive servant awaits your reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To give you valuable practice for the quickest way to achieve success
} in life-- brownnosing those in positions of authority.
}
} You owe the Oracle a climb up the corporate ladder.


401-02    (49b60 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, who never has problems with time like us mere mortals
>
> Why is it that the day that I don't have any classes or meetings
> scheduled is the day that I get the least amount of work accomplished?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have reached the great Usenet Oracle.  All lines are currently
} busy. Please hold on and your question will be answered in turn.
}
} <musical interlude>
}
} All lines are still busy.  Be assured you will receive the same
} personalized service the Oracle gives all supplicants.  To speed
} processing of your question, be sure to have your groveling ready
} when your call is answered.
}
} <musical interlude>
}
} The Usenet Oracle announces its new service:  Question Express!  For
} those questions mortals most often ask the Oracle.  If your question
} is regarding love, money, health or sports, and you have a touch-tone
} phone, call the Question Express! line for an instant answer.
}
} <musical interlude>
}
} All lines are still busy.  Be assured you will receive the same
} personalized service the Oracle gives all supplicants.  To speed
} processing of your question, be sure to have your groveling ready
} when your call is answered.
}
} <musical interlude>


401-03    (13c77 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get to Carnegie Hall?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} * Take the 15th street bus to the corner of Binglepot Lane.
} * Turn left.
} * Go three and a half blocks to number 715.
} * Push the buzzer for Apartment 3 six times, pause, five times.
} * When the left-hand door opens, jump inside and dodge the poisoned
}   arrows which will shoot down from your left.
} * Crawl on your belly for eighty-seven feet, ignoring the muskets
}   firing above you back.
} * Slither down the oily black hole
} * Dive head-first into the mucilaginous brown mass that burbles at the
}   bottom.
} * Before your clothes dissolve completely, feel around for the cavity
}   under the mass, and pull the warmest of the three levers.
} * As the watersluice opens up beneath you and you go swirling down
}   into the abyss, push off from the giant crab-demon's shell so that
}   it cannot grasp you and vivisect you in mid-air.  But be sure that
}   the waters wash you clean of the brown slime.
} * When the beautiful fairy lady flies by in her chariot drawn by
}   swans, smile most charmingly at her and return her embraces with joy
}   and ardor.
} * When she has tired of you, be sure that she flings you off the right
}   side of the chariot rather than the left, so that you can reach the
}   farthest branches of the last tree that grows on the wall of the
}   abyss.
} * Climb into the tree, avoiding the nests of the giant eagles, for
}   their children will surely snap you down like a worm.
} * Ascend the cliff by the steps that a thousand years labor by
}   hopeless slaves have carved in the cliff face.  Every thousandth
}   step is marked with a skull; drop a flower on each one, or the
}   former inhabitant of the skull will follow you and in time devour
}   your soul.
} * When the steps come to a wooden door marked with seven turtles,
}   knock boldly thrice.
} * When the voices ask you for the password, pay no attention to their
}   hideously malformed pronunciation; for their heads are the heads of
}   insects, and they cannot pronounce English words well.  And the
}   password is, "The dissolving of my flesh in the bath of fuming
}   acid."
} * As you pass through the door, hurl a bottle of combustible spirits
}   to your left, and a honeyed cake to your right, and run quickly.  If
}   you feel a tentacle upon your shoulder, then make your peace quickly
}   with your gods, for you are lost and doomed.
} * When you trip on a scrap of rope, roll to your right into a cavity,
}   and rotate widdershins the valve which closes the portal.
} * Climb up the long chains to the windlass.
} * Go across the catwalk marked "Skorber's Death", and descend the
}   rusted staircase at its end.
} * Pass though the door marked "The Realm of Death" in reversed letters
}   barely visible through the curiously patterned glass.
} * Turn right.
} * The ticket office of Carnegie Hall will be on your left, about three
}   doors down.
}
} Perhaps not the fastest way to get there, perhaps not the safest. But
} it'll be unforgettable.
}
} You owe the Oracle uptown bus-fare and a ticket to Ashkenazy's next
} performance.


401-04    (7c902 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and nifty virtual diety,
> blah blah blah blah blah
> blah blah blah
> blah blah blah
>
> Grovel, grovel, grovel.
>
> Please answer this:
> When I put coffee in my thermos, it keeps it hot.
> When I put soda in my thermos, it keeps it cold.
> How does it know?
> Lately, it hasn't been keeping the coffee hot.  Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thermoses are part of a mammoth conspi<fnord>racy, instigated by
} the <fnord>Illuminati<fnord>. They have <fnord>a telepathi<fnord>c
} link with a gi<fnord>gantic computer database of all liquids, and
} thei<fnord>r desired state. The rest is simp<fnord>le: Using their
} psychokinetic powers, the ther<fnord>moses either speed up or slow
} down the vibrating of the mo<fnord>lecules of the liquid, thus either
} heating or cooling it.
}
} The fact that you<fnord>r thermose has recent<fnord>ly stopped working
} is an indica<fnord>tion that the Illumi<fnord>nati have decided that
} you are no<fnord> <fnord>longer necessary to their plans. Beware!


401-05    (35aa2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh allmighty Oracle of the totality of all that the sacred
> Leviam00se implies, please for to tell me:
>
> What poet is the greatest of all time, and why?
>
> You are my last hope to avoid the Hell of indecision!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Last hope?! LAST hope, you say?! What, no longer do beings come to me
} seeking the wisdom of the unponderables...knowledge for knowledge's
} sake and all that...nooo!  Now they try every other method available to
} them, and only seek the Oracle's advice when everyone else has failed!
} Last hope indeed!  It's like they're avoiding me or something!
}
} (Lisa enters, sees the Oracle's mood, and tries to beat a hasty
} retreat)
}
} Lisa! Look here.  Look at this latest... I, the greatest of the great,
} better than even P.T. Barnum AND the Ringling Bros. combined, with or
} without the rest of those clowns, I have been relegated to a
}       quote-last-hope-un-quote.
} These mortals have no respect anymore-- and whats this Leviam00se bit?
} Like it's "cute" or something because there are zeroes like eyes where
} the o's should be.  THAT'S what groveling has sunk to nowadays?
} Its just disgusting! Its terrible!  I should ZOT this dimwit into the
} middle of the next millenia ...Leviam00se my PANCRE-AS!
}
} (Lisa thinks quickly, to save this poor mortal's bacon...)
}
} (soothingly sultry voice) Orry, honey, {stroke} don't let it get to
} ya... {caress}... sure, this mortal is lacking a bit in the groveling
} graces... {rubs neck}...but at least it was a try...{cuddle}...look,
} you're all tense over this little mortal nothing...{sidelong
} glance}...why don't you just put down that silly question, let me relax
} you, work off that deity sized temper ...{suggestive smile}...and you
} can deal with it later when you're in a much better state of being?
}
} Oracle: Well, it's more than a mortal deserves, but allright.
}       (thinks: Yep... the temper tantrum... works like a charm,
}       everytime!)
}
} Lisa: Thats better. (Thinks: Who in the realms does he THINK he's
}       foolin?)
}
} a short censored time later....
}
} well, a couple of short censored times later....
}
} allright, a really long censored time later....
}
} much later, in fact:
}       Oh, I'm in a much better mood, yes indeed.  Lessee...  the
} greatest poet of all time?  Hmmmmm...  thats actually a toughie...
} better take a sec to review the entire poetic works of
} mankind.............
}
}               .....hmm...not quite as stimulating as I had hoped.
}  Although, that Shakespeare fella was a trifle entertaining.
} cummings, too...
} interesting stuff that.   Matsuo Basho I found to be very insightful...
} oh, I could go on like this for ages, but I must make a decision, and
} that decision is this:
}       The greatest poet of all time was, and still is, Anon.
} Anon has written both poems of quality, and gutter trash, in every
} known style of verse, every genre, every age.  He was prolific,
} visionary, sometimes subtle, other times ribald.  Most everyone has
} heard of his work, and, I must confess, that one about the Man from
} Nantucket always brings a smile to my face.  You are hereby saved from
} the Hell of indecision. So be it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dissertation on the collected works of Anon, and a
} copy of this "Leviam00se" whatsis thingamajig.


401-06    (09a65 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, who thinks more than a bunch of llamas, help me out on
> this one.
>
> What does the mail adress you got really mean?
> I figured out the oracle bit, but I don't know the
> rest. Please help a poor mortal.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, '@' means "at," of course.
}
} IUVAX is a form of birth control similar to the IUD.  It keeps me from
} spreading subprocesses all over the world.
}
} CS stands for Carly Simon.  See preceding message.
}
} INDIANA was put there by Presidential decree.  Danny was throwing a
} fit, so they did it to shut him up.
}
} EDU stands for Mr. Ed University.  I'm the voice of Mr. Ed.
}
} You owe the Oracle your virginity.


401-07    (14i61 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wise Oracle,
>
> How does my quirk work?  Could it irk Captain Kirk?  Could it earn me
> a perk from the Jerk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If your quirk is to work, you must lurk with a dirk. For a lark try
} the park after dark. In a week what you seek ought to peak, so don't
} freak. If you shirk then your quirk will not work.
}
} Any quirk just might irk Captain Kirk. Should that schmuck press his
} luck, don't just duck, pass the buck.
}
} No, your quirk will not work on the Jerk for a perk. He's not meek:
} if you squeak, news will leak and you'll reek up the creek, so to
} speak.
}
} You owe the Oracle some of whatever you smoked before writing your
} question, so I can understand my answer.


401-08    (37d52 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> perfect oracle,
> who gives a shit about elvis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, as a matter of fact, a piece of preseved fecal material believed
} to have come from the King himself was recently auctioned off at
} Southerby's to an agent acting on behalf of an anonymous collector for
} $1.5 million. If you can find someone willing to give you a similar
} piece, you should take them up on the offer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a chunk of...  Hmmm...  On second thought, this one
} is on the house.


401-09    (27a56 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle who knows all events past, present and future,
> and who has predicted all the world's major disasters, pray
> tell me:
>
>     Will Dan Quayle be our president in '96 ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok, I will permit you a glimpse through the Oraculary Window 'o Time to
} see what will transpire in four years or so.
}
} [Setting: the Quayle mansion, following the Republican victory party.
} The Bush/Quayle '96 ticket has triumphed over the Oracle's favorite
} candidate, Randomocrat William Brown.  The Bushes are staying over at
} the Quayles' for the evening.]
}
} BUSH: This mansion hath a pleasant seat.  The air
}       Nimbly and sweetly recommends itself
}       Unto our gentle senses.  See, see, our honored hostess!
}       The love that follows us sometime is our trouble,
}       Which still we thank as love.  Herein I teach you
}       How you shall bid God 'ield us for your pains
}       And thank us for your trouble.
}
} MARYLIN QUAYLE:                               All our service
}       In every point twice done, and then done double,
}       Were poor and single business to contend
}       Against those honors deep and broad wherewith
}       Your Majesty loads our house.  For those of old,
}       And the late dignities heaped up to them,
}       We rest your hermits.
}
} BUSH:                         Where's the Vice President?
}       We coursed him at the heels and had a purpose
}       To be his purveyor; but he drives well,
}       And his great love, weighty as his foot, hath holp him
}       To his home before us.  Fair and noble hostess,
}       We are your guest tonight.
}
} MQ:                                   Your servants ever
}       Have theirs, themselves, and what is theirs, in compt,
}       To make their audit at your Highness' pleasure,
}       Still to return your own.
}
} BUSH:                                 Give me your hand;
}       Conduct me to mine host.  We love him highly
}       And shall continue our graces towards him.
}       By your leave, hostess.
}                                       EXEUNT.
}
} [Setting: Danny Quayle is alone in his room.]
}
} DQ:   If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well
}       It were done quickly.  If the assassination
}       Could trammel up the consequence, and catch,
}       With his surcease, success, that but this blow
}       Might be the be-all and the end-all here,
}       But here, upon this bank abd shoal of time,
}       We'ld jump the life to come.  But in these cases
}       We still have judgement here, that we but teach
}       Bloody instructions, which, being taught, return
}       To plague the inventor...
}
} ... well!  Pretty heady stuff, eh?  You get the point.  Bush will die
} of a bizzare stomach virus, and Quayle will be president for a few
} months until pressure from almost every sector in the country forces
} him to retire to the Quayle Compound in Hyannis Port, MA.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autograph copy of MACBETH.


401-10    (43b75 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Master of the Millenial Koan-a-thon, whose very butt hairs are
> smooth and silky and which most of us would gladly shave our eyebrows
> to floss with, please help me out with this one.
>
> How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck had thumbs and a
> MacCulloch 21" chainsaw with self-oiling chain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny you should ask.  Allow me to share with you some recent
} correspondence received by an Oracular colleague on this very
} subject...
}
} -The Woodchuck Oracle has pondered your question deeply.  Your question
} -was:
} -
} -}Oh Woodchuck Oracle, who can hop from branch to branch without ever
} -}losing Oracular balance, who can eat more nuts in a single day than
} -}the average woodchuck puts away for a whole year, please answer my
} -}question:
} -}
} -}Down at Jeb's Woodchuck Lodge and Nut Grill, a couple of the boys have
} -}been talking about this new trend of "woodchuck" jokes that the humans
} -}have been passing around.  We find them all in mighty bad taste, and a
} -}few of us have been thinking about what we ought to be doing in
} -}response to these insults.
} -}
} -}Well, the boys got a little crazy last night.  They crossed the high-
} -}way on the other side of the forest and raided the local hardware
} -}store.  They've now got a few 21" chainsaws (they said they saw some
} -}movie about a Texas guy who used a chainsaw to get revenge) and
} -}they've figured out how to gas 'em up and mow stuff down with 'em.
} -}They're going to attack the university (where they say all these
} -}woodchuck jokes been coming from) and shut up some of those joke-
} -}tellers for good.
} -}
} -}Well, I'm a-thinking on whether I should join them or not.  I mean, I
} -}relish the thought of carving open the pencil-necks of these techno-
} -}geeks who've been getting all these cheap laughs at our expense, but I
} -}kind of wonder if there isn't some less violent way of getting them to
} -}cut out the nasty jokes without so much blood.
} -}
} -}Whaddya think, Oracle, should I go with them?  Is there any other way
} -}to get the job done?
}
} Alas, the reply to this question was not revealed to me by my respected
} colleague.  But considering the evil grin on his visage when he showed
} me this letter, I think we can both guess what his answer was.
}
} So your answer is, no wood at all.  But that doesn't mean those
} chainsaws aren't going to be chopping anything up...  Unless they catch
} a couple of pencils in your shirt pocket, but that doesn't count, does
} it?
}
} The Oracle waives payment this time -- just let me know when you plan
} again on going outside (heh heh).


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