> Oh great, powerful, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, omnijustabout
> anythingyoucanthinkof Oracle, riddle me this:
>
> Greedy Merchant A has fourteen bolts of cloth to sell. Each bolt
> of cloth is worth twenty dollars, and is either red, green, or gold.
> Greedy Merchant B also has some bolts of cloth to sell, which are
> colored either magenta, chartreuse, mauve, or lavender, and worth the
> same amount of money.
>
> Now, knowing that Greedy Merchant B once worked for greedy
> merchant A as a clerk in his twenty third year, and that greedy
> merchant A never payed Greedy Merchant B all that well, and knowing
> that Greedy Merchant B has six hungry, screaming children, one wife,
> and three mistresses to support, while Greedy Merchant A only has two
> children, one wife, and one mistress, and that Greedy Merchant B
> really doesn't like Greedy Merchant A all that much, even though they
> were once lovers, it is easy to infer how many times a week each of
> them bathes, and whether or not the amount of dirt on their bodies
> increases geometrically or logarithmically as they fail to bathe.
>
> However, Greedy Merchant A has recently made a pact with the
> Devil so that no one in town (the name of the town being either Grog,
> Meriden, or Sloth) will buy any other cloth but his. Greedy Merchant
> B, sensing this, has clandestinely stolen all of Greedy Merchant A's
> cloth, and replaced it with his own so that when the cloth goes to
> market, everyone will buy from Greedy Merchant B because the cloth
> ACTUALLY belongs to Greedy Merchant A, which stands to reason since
> Greedy Merchant B is just slightly more greedy than Greedy Merchant A.
>
> While it stands to reason that Greedy Merchant B did very well at
> the market that day (his net profit being either 5! 8! or the square
> root of the sum of his net profit over the past two months), it must
> be taken into account that Greedy Merchant A knows who has betrayed
> him and wishes revenge. It also must be taken into account that
> Greedy Merchant A also knows where Greedy Merchant B lives, and has
> had a crush on Greedy Merchant B's wife since she and Greedy Merchant
> B were married seven years ago (in either a chapel, a barn, or a
> swimming pool). Since these are true, it stands to reason that greedy
> merchant A, seeking both sex AND revenge, would travel to greedy
> merchant B's house, rape his wife, and steal all his money.
>
> But in order for the latter conclusion to be valid, it must first
> be noted (in order to preserve precision to seventy decimal places)
> that Greedy Merchant B was aware of Greedy Merchant A's adulterous
> schemings and took measures to prevent said schemings from becoming a
> set of unfortunate and illogical (the proof of the illogic being
> beyond the scope of this text) circumstances. Now, knowing that
> Greedy Merchant B has connections with almost every clandestine
> organization in Europe, and knowing that the probability of such
> organizations coming to help lies somewhere between the amount of
> fluid produced by the average garden snail and the amount of methane
> gas (in picoliters) produced by the average nineyearold cow, it can
> be inferred that Greedy Merchant A will probably trip on a salami on
> the way to Greedy Merchant B's house and be beaten sensless by a group
> of rogue mules (said mules having been spotted looting the countryside
> for either a day, a month, six months, or a year).
>
> However, what has not yet been taken into account is that greedy
> merchant A despises salami and can smell it from either three, seven,
> or nine and a half yards away. Knowing this, and that Greedy Merchant
> A will purposely avoid ANY salami, no matter how innocentlooking,
> that happens to lying in the middle of the road, it stands to reason
> that Greedy Merchant A will make it to Greedy Merchant B's house
> completely intact and will carry out the aforementioned set of
> adulterous schemings.
>
> But, for accuracy's sake, it is necessary to understand that
> Greedy Merchant A is quite possible the LEAST liked Greedy Merchant in
> the entire town (which may ALSO be named Milton, if this is happening
> on a Tuesday) and that the probability of a disgruntled customer
> dropping a flower pot on Greedy Merchant A's head is tantamount to the
> probability of rainfall in Florida during the summer months.
>
> Knowing all of this, it is easy to find that Greedy Merchant A
> sells green cloth, that Greedy Merchant B sells mauve cloth, that
> Greedy Merchant A bathes twice a month while Greedy Merchant B bathes
> only once a month, that the amount of dirt on the bodies of the Greedy
> Merchants increases geometrically as they fail to bathe, that the name
> of the town is Meriden, that Greedy Merchant B's net profit was 8!,
> that greedy merchant B and his wife were married in a barn, that the
> probability of clandestine European organizations coming to help
> Greedy Merchant A is the amount of urine produced by the average
> german shepherd, that the mules have been looting the countryside for
> a month, and that greedy merchant A can smell salami from three yards
> away.
>
> However, for OUR purposes, all of this information is irrelevant.
>
> Using all the facts from the above paragraphs, prove, in ten
> steps or less, that Greedy Merchant A was struck by a flying horseshoe
> and that said horseshoe was hurled by a person named Horace. Also
> prove, in that same space, that Greedy Merchant B ate the salami which
> was avoided by Greedy Merchant A.
>
> For extra credit, prove that Greedy Merchant B got food poisoning
> from the salami and died within a week.
