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26 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 21:31:32 GMT

Internet Oracularities #402

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402, 402-01, 402-02, 402-03, 402-04, 402-05, 402-06, 402-07, 402-08, 402-09, 402-10


Usenet Oracularities #402    (27 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 92 09:27:09 -0500

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   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   402
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

402   27 votes 65493 08b62 69741 02ca3 2a834 35e50 4c830 35955 49356 274a4
402   2.9 mean  2.9   3.1   2.4   3.5   2.9   2.8   2.4   3.1   3.0   3.3


402-01    (65493 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> >The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> >Your question was:
> >
> >> "Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side,
> >> and it holds the universe together."
> >>
> >> Please comment.
> >
> >And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> >
> >} the duct tape of the universe holds your buttcheeks together. Enough
> >} said.
>
> This is a LAME answer to a GOOD question.
>
> Please give me another one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle hasn't much patience
} With repeated queries.  His time he rations
} To first help all those with important questions,
} And then to aid those who think of the best ones.
}
} Third helped are people who bow and scrape lowly,
} Fourth, who (tho' no fault of their own) think slowly,
} Fifth those to whom justice and fairness are due,
} Finally the questions from cretins like you.
}
} You asked no question but demanded comment
} From a hurried Oracle whose schedule meant
} Deferring the futures of whole galaxies.
} You were rude and abrupt and barely said "please."
}
} You asked for a comment, you got one. That's all.
} No specifications came forth from your small
} Pointy head.  Unsatisfied, you asked again.
} So more and clever words must come from my pen?
}
} Your questioning ego itself is duct tape,
} Blinding your vision so you cannot escape
} The need for a comment to a stupid phrase.
} Why, I'll bet writing it had taken you days.
}
} I've said all I want to and put it in verse,
} I don't want to deal more with duct tape and worse.
} Your debt will be large for services rendered:
} You in a milkshake with duct tape -- well blendered.


402-02    (08b62 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> who's toe cheese I am not worthy to lick, who's body fluids and
> excretions I am not worthy to wipe up.
>
> Someone once told me that I don't know my ass from 3rd base.  Why is
> it always THIRD base?  Answer this:  why is it never 1st, 2nd, or for
> that matter home plate??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           Fear Not, my Questioner:
}
}           I will make the understanding of this question in your
}           league: As Bud Abbott once said to Lou Costello, "Who's on
}           First, What's on Second, and I Don't Know's on Third."
}
}           Obviously, first and second are bases of curiosity, while
}           third is the base of ignorance.
}
}           Thus speaketh the Oracle!
}
}           You owe the Oracle a Home Run.


402-03    (69741 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, ponderer of the imponderable, knower of the unknowable, doer
> of the the undoable, and speaker of the unthinkable...
>
> I know Jim Kelly's gonna play this year, but the Bills even have a
> remote possibility of winning the Super Bowl?  I'm talking about the
> snowball's chances in the underworld here.  If you were the great
> bookie in the sky, what kind of odds would you give them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Naturally, since I just watched the game, I know the odds are 37-24.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more timely question.


402-04    (02ca3 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle,
>
> I've got a mountain-sized crush on Cindy.  How can I woo her and win
> her?
>
> Thanks so much,
>   Melissa

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, Melissa.  This is Lisa.  The Oracle's asleep, right now,
} which (between you and me) is probably for the best, as his
} sensitivity to these problems is not always what it could be.
} Your question concerns wooing and winning Cindy.  Well,
} there are just a few problems I forsee immediatly:
}
} 1)  Marsha will tell everyone at school.
} 2)  Greg will beat you up.
} 3)  Cindy's several years underage.
} 4)  Mike and Carol will sit you down and have a long talk with you.
} 5)  Alice won't offer you brownies when you come over.
} 6)  Pete's already laid a claim on her.
}
} If you're willing to risk these, it shouldn't take very long
} to woo her and win her.  First, invite her over for cookies.
} Second, offer to walk Tiger for her.  Third, promise to never
} sing "here's the story, of a man named Brady" to her, as she's
} probably quite sick of that song.  Finally, introduce her to
} tequila shots, by serving it with some brownies.
}
} You don't owe *me* anything -- it's just us girls here.  But
} the Oracle would probably be happy if you sent him videos
} of the happy couple.


402-05    (2a834 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Kind Oracle,
>
> Tell unto me this thing: should  I have oral sex with Louanne, or anal
> sex with Marcie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've thought at length about this (especially the sexual
} characteristics of the women in question) and have finally
} come to the following conclusion.  It doesn't really
} matter, since it would be in one end and out the other.
}
} You owe the Oracle a really LOUD groan.


402-06    (35e50 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and highly sexually potent oracle:
>
> Why did we stop using the pronouns `Thou,' `Thee,'
> `Thy,' and the like?  It seems the language would
> be a lot more fun with them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ah, a fairly decent question (for a human, anyway)!  Yes, words
} like "thee", "thou", "thy", "thine", etc. were indeed once quite
} popular and well used.  However, this all changed during the Great "th"
} Rebellion. This bloody and horrific battle went on for 4 years
} straight, however it is not mentioned in any Earth texts, because of a
} great conspiracy by English professors to cover up this tradgedy.  A
} group of English profs demanded that such "th" pronouns (even
} possessive pronouns) be completely done away with, and replaced with
} more 'civilized' and 'modern' words, such as "you", "your", and the
} like.  On a related note, they also demanded that the "th"s be removed
} from the ends of all verbs (such as "asketh", "hopeth", "groveleth",
} etc.), in some cases leaving the preceding "e", and in other cases not,
} based on some complex formula which only English profs (and me, of
} course) can understand (and, I'm not all that sure about the English
} professors).  But, back to the original question.  The rest of the
} world didn't want to make these changes to their language, but the
} English profs just wouldn't give up.  They fought and wrote essays, and
} after four years of this incessant nonsense, the rest of the world gave
} up and let the pushy English profs have their way, at least in part
} (the eliminated "th" pronouns were limited to singular personal
} pronouns refering to someone else (i.e.: "you" replaced "thou" and
} "thee", and "your" replaced "thy" and "thine"), and pronouns like
} "them", "they", "this", "that", etc. were allowed to stay). Hence, we
} now have a duller, more "th"-free language than we once did.  If you
} are angry about this, go bitch at an English prof (any one will do;
} they are ALL in on it), then send a letter explaining your opinion and
} a generous monetary donation to the following address:
}
}               The Foundation For a More "th"-Filled Languange [*]
}               Box TH101
}               iTHaca, NY   99999
}
}       With your help, we can reestablish the great language that we
} once had!  Send your money today!
}
} Thou oweth thy master, the wonderous Oracle, all of thine money, now
} that thee hath been blessed with this morsel of my great wisdom.
}
} [*] <small print>
}       A member of the UseNet Oracle Foundation.


402-07    (4c830 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Kind Oracle,
> All the waters of the world have come to live in my home-town, where
> they say they shall dwell until the last day of spring.  They flood
> the streets, and they devour our beets; they drown our ferrets, and
> scorn our merits.  How may we expel them, doing so with kindness and
> kinkiness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You silly mortals.  How many times must I tell you?  Never use
} 2000 Flushes!  Get a plunger and call the Ty-D-Bol man.
}
} You owe the Oracle a roll of White Cloud and a subscription to
} National Geographic.


402-08    (35955 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   OOO  H   H    OOO  RRRR    A    CCC  L     EEEEE
>  O   O H   H   O   O R   R  A A  C   C L     E
>  O   O HHHHH   O   O R   R A   A C     L     EEE
>  O   O H   H   O   O RRRR  AAAAA C   C L     E
>   OOO  H   H ,, OOO  R   R A   A  CCC  LLLLL EEEEE
>              '
>
>  M   M  OOO   SSSS TTTTT    W   W III  SSSS EEEEE     A   N   N DDDD
>  MM MM O   O S       T      W   W  I  S     E        A A  NN  N D   D
>  M M M O   O  SSS    T      W W W  I   SSS  EEE     A   A N N N D   D
>  M   M O   O     S   T      W W W  I      S E       AAAAA N  NN D   D
>  M   M  OOO  SSSS    T       W W  III SSSS  EEEEE   A   A N   N DDDD
>
>  BBBB  RRRR  III L     L     III   A   N   N TTTTT
>  B   B R   R  I  L     L      I   A A  NN  N   T
>  BBBB  RRRR   I  L     L      I  A   A N N N   T
>  B   B R   R  I  L     L      I  AAAAA N  NN   T
>  BBBB  R   R III LLLLL LLLLL III A   A N   N   T  ::
>
>  M   M Y   Y   K  K EEEEE Y   Y BBBB   OOO    A   RRRR  DDDD
>  MM MM  Y Y    K K  E      Y Y  B   B O   O  A A  R   R D   D
>  M M M   Y     KK   EEE     Y   BBBB  O   O A   A RRRR  D   D
>  M   M   Y     K K  E       Y   B   B O   O AAAAA R   R D   D
>  M   M   Y     K  K EEEEE   Y   BBBB   OOO  A   A R   R DDDD
>
>  III  SSSS    SSSS TTTTT U   U  CCC  K  K    III N   N
>   I  S       S       T   U   U C   C K K      I  NN  N
>   I   SSS     SSS    T   U   U C     KK       I  N N N
>   I      S       S   T   U   U C   C K K      I  N  NN
>  III SSSS    SSSS    T    UUU   CCC  K  K    III N   N
>
>   SSSS U   U PPPP  EEEEE RRRR      U   U PPPP  PPPP  EEEEE RRRR
>  S     U   U P   P E     R   R     U   U P   P P   P E     R   R
>   SSS  U   U P   P EEE   R   R ==  U   U P   P P   P EEE   R   R ==
>      S U   U PPPP  E     RRRR      U   U PPPP  PPPP  E     RRRR
>  SSSS   UUU  P     EEEEE R   R      UUU  P     P     EEEEE R   R
>
>   CCC    A    SSSS EEEEE
>  C   C  A A  S     E
>  C     A   A  SSS  EEE
>  C   C AAAAA     S E
>   CCC  A   A SSSS  EEEEE ::
>
>  N   N  OOO  TTTTT H   H III N   N  GGGG
>  NN  N O   O   T   H   H  I  NN  N G
>  N N N O   O   T   HHHHH  I  N N N G  GG
>  N  NN O   O   T   H   H  I  N  NN G   G
>  N   N  OOO    T   H   H III N   N  GGGG
>
>   SSSS EEEEE EEEEE M   M  SSSS   TTTTT  OOO    H   H EEEEE L     PPPP
>  S     E     E     MM MM S         T   O   O   H   H E     L     P   P
>   SSS  EEE   EEE   M M M  SSS      T   O   O   HHHHH EEE   L     P   P
>      S E     E     M   M     S     T   O   O   H   H E     L     PPPP
>  SSSS  EEEEE EEEEE M   M SSSS      T    OOO    H   H EEEEE LLLLL P   ::
>
>   CCC    A   N   N   Y   Y  OOO  U   U   H   H EEEEE L     PPPP
>  C   C  A A  NN  N    Y Y  O   O U   U   H   H E     L     P   P
>  C     A   A N N N     Y   O   O U   U   HHHHH EEE   L     P   P
>  C   C AAAAA N  NN     Y   O   O U   U   H   H E     L     PPPP
>   CCC  A   A N   N     Y    OOO   UUU    H   H EEEEE LLLLL P
>
> M   M EEEEE   ???
> MM MM E      ?   ?
> M M M EEE        ?
> M   M E        ??
> M   M EEEEE    ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} youcantypemetacontrolhypersuperultradoublewhammycokebottleanditwillgoint
} oalllowercasewithoutanyspacesorpunctuationoranythingelsemodebutthereisno
} wayoutintoanyothermodeandthatiswhyyouowetheoracleanewterminal


402-09    (49356 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, powerful, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, omnijustabout-
> anythingyoucanthinkof Oracle, riddle me this:
>
>      Greedy Merchant A has fourteen bolts of cloth to sell.  Each bolt
> of cloth is worth twenty dollars,  and is either red,  green, or gold.
> Greedy Merchant B also has some bolts of  cloth  to  sell,  which  are
> colored either magenta,  chartreuse, mauve, or lavender, and worth the
> same amount of money.
>
>      Now,  knowing  that  Greedy  Merchant  B  once  worked for greedy
> merchant A as a clerk in  his  twenty  third  year,  and  that  greedy
> merchant  A  never payed Greedy Merchant B all that well,  and knowing
> that Greedy Merchant B has six hungry,  screaming children,  one wife,
> and three mistresses to support,  while Greedy Merchant A only has two
> children,  one wife,  and one mistress,  and that  Greedy  Merchant  B
> really doesn't like Greedy Merchant A all that much,  even though they
> were once lovers,  it is easy to infer how many times a week  each  of
> them  bathes,  and  whether  or not the amount of dirt on their bodies
> increases geometrically or logarithmically as they fail to bathe.
>
>      However,  Greedy Merchant A has recently made  a  pact  with  the
> Devil  so that no one in town (the name of the town being either Grog,
> Meriden,  or Sloth) will buy any other cloth but his.  Greedy Merchant
> B,  sensing this,  has clandestinely stolen all of Greedy Merchant A's
> cloth,  and replaced it with his own so that when the  cloth  goes  to
> market,  everyone  will  buy  from Greedy Merchant B because the cloth
> ACTUALLY belongs to Greedy Merchant A,  which stands to  reason  since
> Greedy Merchant B is just slightly more greedy than Greedy Merchant A.
>
>      While it stands to reason that Greedy Merchant B did very well at
> the market that day (his net profit being either 5!  8!  or the square
> root of the sum of his net profit over the past two months),  it  must
> be  taken  into  account that Greedy Merchant A knows who has betrayed
> him and wishes revenge.  It also  must  be  taken  into  account  that
> Greedy  Merchant  A also knows where Greedy Merchant B lives,  and has
> had a crush on Greedy Merchant B's wife since she and Greedy  Merchant
> B  were  married  seven  years ago (in either a chapel,  a barn,  or a
> swimming pool).  Since these are true, it stands to reason that greedy
> merchant A,  seeking both sex AND  revenge,  would  travel  to  greedy
> merchant B's house, rape his wife, and steal all his money.
>
>      But in order for the latter conclusion to be valid, it must first
> be  noted  (in  order to preserve precision to seventy decimal places)
> that Greedy Merchant B was aware of  Greedy  Merchant  A's  adulterous
> schemings  and took measures to prevent said schemings from becoming a
> set of unfortunate and illogical  (the  proof  of  the  illogic  being
> beyond  the  scope  of  this  text) circumstances.  Now,  knowing that
> Greedy Merchant  B  has  connections  with  almost  every  clandestine
> organization  in  Europe,  and  knowing  that  the probability of such
> organizations coming to help lies  somewhere  between  the  amount  of
> fluid  produced  by the average garden snail and the amount of methane
> gas (in picoliters) produced by the average nine-year-old cow,  it can
> be  inferred  that Greedy Merchant A will probably trip on a salami on
> the way to Greedy Merchant B's house and be beaten sensless by a group
> of rogue mules (said mules having been spotted looting the countryside
> for either a day, a month, six months, or a year).
>
>      However,  what has not yet been taken into account is that greedy
> merchant A despises salami and can smell it from either three,  seven,
> or nine and a half yards away.  Knowing this, and that Greedy Merchant
> A will purposely avoid ANY salami,  no  matter  how  innocent-looking,
> that  happens to lying in the middle of the road,  it stands to reason
> that Greedy Merchant A will make  it  to  Greedy  Merchant  B's  house
> completely  intact  and  will  carry  out  the  aforementioned  set of
> adulterous schemings.
>
>      But,  for accuracy's sake,  it is necessary  to  understand  that
> Greedy Merchant A is quite possible the LEAST liked Greedy Merchant in
> the entire town (which may ALSO be named Milton,  if this is happening
> on a Tuesday) and that  the  probability  of  a  disgruntled  customer
> dropping a flower pot on Greedy Merchant A's head is tantamount to the
> probability of rainfall in Florida during the summer months.
>
>      Knowing all of this,  it is easy to find that Greedy  Merchant  A
> sells  green  cloth,  that  Greedy Merchant B sells mauve cloth,  that
> Greedy Merchant A bathes twice a month while Greedy Merchant B  bathes
> only once a month, that the amount of dirt on the bodies of the Greedy
> Merchants increases geometrically as they fail to bathe, that the name
> of  the  town is Meriden,  that Greedy Merchant B's net profit was 8!,
> that greedy merchant B and his wife were married in a barn,  that  the
> probability  of  clandestine  European  organizations  coming  to help
> Greedy Merchant A is the amount  of  urine  produced  by  the  average
> german shepherd,  that the mules have been looting the countryside for
> a month,  and that greedy merchant A can smell salami from three yards
> away.
>
>      However, for OUR purposes, all of this information is irrelevant.
>
>      Using  all  the  facts from the above paragraphs,  prove,  in ten
> steps or less, that Greedy Merchant A was struck by a flying horseshoe
> and that said horseshoe was hurled by  a  person  named  Horace.  Also
> prove, in that same space, that Greedy Merchant B ate the salami which
> was avoided by Greedy Merchant A.
>
>      For extra credit, prove that Greedy Merchant B got food poisoning
> from the salami and died within a week.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aha.  Ten steps?  Now let's see...
}  1. Greedy Merchant A has fourteen bolts of cloth...in all times,
}     there were 4.321 merchants on earth that fit that
}     description, the others are not greedy or don't have enough
}     cloth, or no cloth at all.
}  2. Each bolt was worth twenty dollars then, so there remain only
}     Bakr ibn Ja'far in Damaskus, Chen Hui-Lin in Shanghai and
}     Murray F. Goldfarb III in Meriden, Ohio.
}  3. The colours show it has to be Goldfarb, since Bakr sells
}     only sky-blue cloth with black dots, and Chen sells red cloth
}     with green and golden stripes.
}  4. Merchant B has the same peculiar pecuniar behaviour...
}     there are 1.587 candidates.
}  5. The colours reduce this to 1.583.
}  6. The only one of those who ever worked for Goldfarb is
}     Lucius X. Nylon, also from Meriden.
}     (Verifying all the facts you listed shows that they are right.
}     By the way, Goldfarb doesn't like salami because it isn't
}     kosher, and the Devil you mention is in fact the local
}     chief of organized crime, Frankie Seraglio, whose nickname
}     is "the Devil".)
}  7. A survey of all the flying objects Goldfarb was ever hit by:
}     - 182 flower pots
}     - one bolt of green cloth
}     - 23 snowballs
}     - a meteorite
}     - a spoon
}     - three pebbles
}     - a horseshoe
}     Yes, he IS the least liked Greedy Merchant in Meriden.
}  8. The horseshoe was flung by Horace Wisdom, the Greedy Mule
}     Merchant.  His reason was: "Goldfarb looked in the other
}     direction."
}  9. Looking for the death cause of Lucius X. Nylon yields:
}                       ----------
}                      /          \
}                     /    REST    \
}                    /      IN      \
}                   /     PEACE      \
}                  /                  \
}                  |  Lucius X. Nylon |
}                  |       8! AU      |
}                  |   killed by a    |
}                  | poisonous salami |
}                  |                  |
}                  |       1992       |
}                 *|     *  *  *      | *
}        _________)/\\_//(\/(/\)/\//\/|_)_______
}
} 10. I asked Goldfarb (I can't know *everything*, can I?) about
}     the salami, and he acknowledged that it was the one he had
}     avoided six days before.
}
} You owe the Oracle some sky-blue underwear with black dots and
} two average garden snails, and you owe Murray F. Goldfarb III
} a crash helmet.


402-10    (274a4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, I think you're pretty cool, and you sure know an awful
> lot, but I was just wondering...
>
> Do you really think it is very nice to ZOT people?  I mean, individuals
> are different.  They have different means of expressing themselves, and
> denying them that basic right is detrimental to society as a whole...
> I think maybe you should mend your ways and stop treating humans as
> fodder.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <ZOT!>
}
} That's "tinder", not fodder.


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