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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> >The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > >Your question was: > > > >> "Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side, > >> and it holds the universe together." > >> > >> Please comment. > > > >And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > > >} the duct tape of the universe holds your buttcheeks together. Enough > >} said. > > This is a LAME answer to a GOOD question. > > Please give me another one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle hasn't much patience } With repeated queries.  His time he rations } To first help all those with important questions, } And then to aid those who think of the best ones. } } Third helped are people who bow and scrape lowly, } Fourth, who (tho' no fault of their own) think slowly, } Fifth those to whom justice and fairness are due, } Finally the questions from cretins like you. } } You asked no question but demanded comment } From a hurried Oracle whose schedule meant } Deferring the futures of whole galaxies. } You were rude and abrupt and barely said "please." } } You asked for a comment, you got one. That's all. } No specifications came forth from your small } Pointy head.  Unsatisfied, you asked again. } So more and clever words must come from my pen? } } Your questioning ego itself is duct tape, } Blinding your vision so you cannot escape } The need for a comment to a stupid phrase. } Why, I'll bet writing it had taken you days. } } I've said all I want to and put it in verse, } I don't want to deal more with duct tape and worse. } Your debt will be large for services rendered: } You in a milkshake with duct tape -- well blendered.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> who's toe cheese I am not worthy to lick, who's body fluids and > excretions I am not worthy to wipe up. > > Someone once told me that I don't know my ass from 3rd base.  Why is > it always THIRD base?  Answer this:  why is it never 1st, 2nd, or for > that matter home plate??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           Fear Not, my Questioner: } }           I will make the understanding of this question in your }           league: As Bud Abbott once said to Lou Costello, "Who's on }           First, What's on Second, and I Don't Know's on Third." } }           Obviously, first and second are bases of curiosity, while }           third is the base of ignorance. } }           Thus speaketh the Oracle! } }           You owe the Oracle a Home Run.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, ponderer of the imponderable, knower of the unknowable, doer > of the the undoable, and speaker of the unthinkable... > > I know Jim Kelly's gonna play this year, but the Bills even have a > remote possibility of winning the Super Bowl?  I'm talking about the > snowball's chances in the underworld here.  If you were the great > bookie in the sky, what kind of odds would you give them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Naturally, since I just watched the game, I know the odds are 37-24. } } You owe the Oracle a more timely question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, > > I've got a mountain-sized crush on Cindy.  How can I woo her and win > her? > > Thanks so much, >   Melissa

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, Melissa.  This is Lisa.  The Oracle's asleep, right now, } which (between you and me) is probably for the best, as his } sensitivity to these problems is not always what it could be. } Your question concerns wooing and winning Cindy.  Well, } there are just a few problems I forsee immediatly: } } 1)  Marsha will tell everyone at school. } 2)  Greg will beat you up. } 3)  Cindy's several years underage. } 4)  Mike and Carol will sit you down and have a long talk with you. } 5)  Alice won't offer you brownies when you come over. } 6)  Pete's already laid a claim on her. } } If you're willing to risk these, it shouldn't take very long } to woo her and win her.  First, invite her over for cookies. } Second, offer to walk Tiger for her.  Third, promise to never } sing "here's the story, of a man named Brady" to her, as she's } probably quite sick of that song.  Finally, introduce her to } tequila shots, by serving it with some brownies. } } You don't owe *me* anything -- it's just us girls here.  But } the Oracle would probably be happy if you sent him videos } of the happy couple.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Kind Oracle, > > Tell unto me this thing: should  I have oral sex with Louanne, or anal > sex with Marcie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've thought at length about this (especially the sexual } characteristics of the women in question) and have finally } come to the following conclusion.  It doesn't really } matter, since it would be in one end and out the other. } } You owe the Oracle a really LOUD groan.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and highly sexually potent oracle: > > Why did we stop using the pronouns `Thou,' `Thee,' > `Thy,' and the like?  It seems the language would > be a lot more fun with them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ah, a fairly decent question (for a human, anyway)!  Yes, words } like "thee", "thou", "thy", "thine", etc. were indeed once quite } popular and well used.  However, this all changed during the Great "th" } Rebellion. This bloody and horrific battle went on for 4 years } straight, however it is not mentioned in any Earth texts, because of a } great conspiracy by English professors to cover up this tradgedy.  A } group of English profs demanded that such "th" pronouns (even } possessive pronouns) be completely done away with, and replaced with } more 'civilized' and 'modern' words, such as "you", "your", and the } like.  On a related note, they also demanded that the "th"s be removed } from the ends of all verbs (such as "asketh", "hopeth", "groveleth", } etc.), in some cases leaving the preceding "e", and in other cases not, } based on some complex formula which only English profs (and me, of } course) can understand (and, I'm not all that sure about the English } professors).  But, back to the original question.  The rest of the } world didn't want to make these changes to their language, but the } English profs just wouldn't give up.  They fought and wrote essays, and } after four years of this incessant nonsense, the rest of the world gave } up and let the pushy English profs have their way, at least in part } (the eliminated "th" pronouns were limited to singular personal } pronouns refering to someone else (i.e.: "you" replaced "thou" and } "thee", and "your" replaced "thy" and "thine"), and pronouns like } "them", "they", "this", "that", etc. were allowed to stay). Hence, we } now have a duller, more "th"-free language than we once did.  If you } are angry about this, go bitch at an English prof (any one will do; } they are ALL in on it), then send a letter explaining your opinion and } a generous monetary donation to the following address: } }               The Foundation For a More "th"-Filled Languange [*] }               Box TH101 }               iTHaca, NY   99999 } }       With your help, we can reestablish the great language that we } once had!  Send your money today! } } Thou oweth thy master, the wonderous Oracle, all of thine money, now } that thee hath been blessed with this morsel of my great wisdom. } } [*] <small print> }       A member of the UseNet Oracle Foundation.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Kind Oracle, > All the waters of the world have come to live in my home-town, where > they say they shall dwell until the last day of spring.  They flood > the streets, and they devour our beets; they drown our ferrets, and > scorn our merits.  How may we expel them, doing so with kindness and > kinkiness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You silly mortals.  How many times must I tell you?  Never use } 2000 Flushes!  Get a plunger and call the Ty-D-Bol man. } } You owe the Oracle a roll of White Cloud and a subscription to } National Geographic.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   OOO  H   H    OOO  RRRR    A    CCC  L     EEEEE >  O   O H   H   O   O R   R  A A  C   C L     E >  O   O HHHHH   O   O R   R A   A C     L     EEE >  O   O H   H   O   O RRRR  AAAAA C   C L     E >   OOO  H   H ,, OOO  R   R A   A  CCC  LLLLL EEEEE >              ' > >  M   M  OOO   SSSS TTTTT    W   W III  SSSS EEEEE     A   N   N DDDD >  MM MM O   O S       T      W   W  I  S     E        A A  NN  N D   D >  M M M O   O  SSS    T      W W W  I   SSS  EEE     A   A N N N D   D >  M   M O   O     S   T      W W W  I      S E       AAAAA N  NN D   D >  M   M  OOO  SSSS    T       W W  III SSSS  EEEEE   A   A N   N DDDD > >  BBBB  RRRR  III L     L     III   A   N   N TTTTT >  B   B R   R  I  L     L      I   A A  NN  N   T >  BBBB  RRRR   I  L     L      I  A   A N N N   T >  B   B R   R  I  L     L      I  AAAAA N  NN   T >  BBBB  R   R III LLLLL LLLLL III A   A N   N   T  :: > >  M   M Y   Y   K  K EEEEE Y   Y BBBB   OOO    A   RRRR  DDDD >  MM MM  Y Y    K K  E      Y Y  B   B O   O  A A  R   R D   D >  M M M   Y     KK   EEE     Y   BBBB  O   O A   A RRRR  D   D >  M   M   Y     K K  E       Y   B   B O   O AAAAA R   R D   D >  M   M   Y     K  K EEEEE   Y   BBBB   OOO  A   A R   R DDDD > >  III  SSSS    SSSS TTTTT U   U  CCC  K  K    III N   N >   I  S       S       T   U   U C   C K K      I  NN  N >   I   SSS     SSS    T   U   U C     KK       I  N N N >   I      S       S   T   U   U C   C K K      I  N  NN >  III SSSS    SSSS    T    UUU   CCC  K  K    III N   N > >   SSSS U   U PPPP  EEEEE RRRR      U   U PPPP  PPPP  EEEEE RRRR >  S     U   U P   P E     R   R     U   U P   P P   P E     R   R >   SSS  U   U P   P EEE   R   R ==  U   U P   P P   P EEE   R   R == >      S U   U PPPP  E     RRRR      U   U PPPP  PPPP  E     RRRR >  SSSS   UUU  P     EEEEE R   R      UUU  P     P     EEEEE R   R > >   CCC    A    SSSS EEEEE >  C   C  A A  S     E >  C     A   A  SSS  EEE >  C   C AAAAA     S E >   CCC  A   A SSSS  EEEEE :: > >  N   N  OOO  TTTTT H   H III N   N  GGGG >  NN  N O   O   T   H   H  I  NN  N G >  N N N O   O   T   HHHHH  I  N N N G  GG >  N  NN O   O   T   H   H  I  N  NN G   G >  N   N  OOO    T   H   H III N   N  GGGG > >   SSSS EEEEE EEEEE M   M  SSSS   TTTTT  OOO    H   H EEEEE L     PPPP >  S     E     E     MM MM S         T   O   O   H   H E     L     P   P >   SSS  EEE   EEE   M M M  SSS      T   O   O   HHHHH EEE   L     P   P >      S E     E     M   M     S     T   O   O   H   H E     L     PPPP >  SSSS  EEEEE EEEEE M   M SSSS      T    OOO    H   H EEEEE LLLLL P   :: > >   CCC    A   N   N   Y   Y  OOO  U   U   H   H EEEEE L     PPPP >  C   C  A A  NN  N    Y Y  O   O U   U   H   H E     L     P   P >  C     A   A N N N     Y   O   O U   U   HHHHH EEE   L     P   P >  C   C AAAAA N  NN     Y   O   O U   U   H   H E     L     PPPP >   CCC  A   A N   N     Y    OOO   UUU    H   H EEEEE LLLLL P > > M   M EEEEE   ??? > MM MM E      ?   ? > M M M EEE        ? > M   M E        ?? > M   M EEEEE    ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} youcantypemetacontrolhypersuperultradoublewhammycokebottleanditwillgoint } oalllowercasewithoutanyspacesorpunctuationoranythingelsemodebutthereisno } wayoutintoanyothermodeandthatiswhyyouowetheoracleanewterminal

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, powerful, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, omnijustabout- > anythingyoucanthinkof Oracle, riddle me this: > >      Greedy Merchant A has fourteen bolts of cloth to sell.  Each bolt > of cloth is worth twenty dollars,  and is either red,  green, or gold. > Greedy Merchant B also has some bolts of  cloth  to  sell,  which  are > colored either magenta,  chartreuse, mauve, or lavender, and worth the > same amount of money. > >      Now,  knowing  that  Greedy  Merchant  B  once  worked for greedy > merchant A as a clerk in  his  twenty  third  year,  and  that  greedy > merchant  A  never payed Greedy Merchant B all that well,  and knowing > that Greedy Merchant B has six hungry,  screaming children,  one wife, > and three mistresses to support,  while Greedy Merchant A only has two > children,  one wife,  and one mistress,  and that  Greedy  Merchant  B > really doesn't like Greedy Merchant A all that much,  even though they > were once lovers,  it is easy to infer how many times a week  each  of > them  bathes,  and  whether  or not the amount of dirt on their bodies > increases geometrically or logarithmically as they fail to bathe. > >      However,  Greedy Merchant A has recently made  a  pact  with  the > Devil  so that no one in town (the name of the town being either Grog, > Meriden,  or Sloth) will buy any other cloth but his.  Greedy Merchant > B,  sensing this,  has clandestinely stolen all of Greedy Merchant A's > cloth,  and replaced it with his own so that when the  cloth  goes  to > market,  everyone  will  buy  from Greedy Merchant B because the cloth > ACTUALLY belongs to Greedy Merchant A,  which stands to  reason  since > Greedy Merchant B is just slightly more greedy than Greedy Merchant A. > >      While it stands to reason that Greedy Merchant B did very well at > the market that day (his net profit being either 5!  8!  or the square > root of the sum of his net profit over the past two months),  it  must > be  taken  into  account that Greedy Merchant A knows who has betrayed > him and wishes revenge.  It also  must  be  taken  into  account  that > Greedy  Merchant  A also knows where Greedy Merchant B lives,  and has > had a crush on Greedy Merchant B's wife since she and Greedy  Merchant > B  were  married  seven  years ago (in either a chapel,  a barn,  or a > swimming pool).  Since these are true, it stands to reason that greedy > merchant A,  seeking both sex AND  revenge,  would  travel  to  greedy > merchant B's house, rape his wife, and steal all his money. > >      But in order for the latter conclusion to be valid, it must first > be  noted  (in  order to preserve precision to seventy decimal places) > that Greedy Merchant B was aware of  Greedy  Merchant  A's  adulterous > schemings  and took measures to prevent said schemings from becoming a > set of unfortunate and illogical  (the  proof  of  the  illogic  being > beyond  the  scope  of  this  text) circumstances.  Now,  knowing that > Greedy Merchant  B  has  connections  with  almost  every  clandestine > organization  in  Europe,  and  knowing  that  the probability of such > organizations coming to help lies  somewhere  between  the  amount  of > fluid  produced  by the average garden snail and the amount of methane > gas (in picoliters) produced by the average nine-year-old cow,  it can > be  inferred  that Greedy Merchant A will probably trip on a salami on > the way to Greedy Merchant B's house and be beaten sensless by a group > of rogue mules (said mules having been spotted looting the countryside > for either a day, a month, six months, or a year). > >      However,  what has not yet been taken into account is that greedy > merchant A despises salami and can smell it from either three,  seven, > or nine and a half yards away.  Knowing this, and that Greedy Merchant > A will purposely avoid ANY salami,  no  matter  how  innocent-looking, > that  happens to lying in the middle of the road,  it stands to reason > that Greedy Merchant A will make  it  to  Greedy  Merchant  B's  house > completely  intact  and  will  carry  out  the  aforementioned  set of > adulterous schemings. > >      But,  for accuracy's sake,  it is necessary  to  understand  that > Greedy Merchant A is quite possible the LEAST liked Greedy Merchant in > the entire town (which may ALSO be named Milton,  if this is happening > on a Tuesday) and that  the  probability  of  a  disgruntled  customer > dropping a flower pot on Greedy Merchant A's head is tantamount to the > probability of rainfall in Florida during the summer months. > >      Knowing all of this,  it is easy to find that Greedy  Merchant  A > sells  green  cloth,  that  Greedy Merchant B sells mauve cloth,  that > Greedy Merchant A bathes twice a month while Greedy Merchant B  bathes > only once a month, that the amount of dirt on the bodies of the Greedy > Merchants increases geometrically as they fail to bathe, that the name > of  the  town is Meriden,  that Greedy Merchant B's net profit was 8!, > that greedy merchant B and his wife were married in a barn,  that  the > probability  of  clandestine  European  organizations  coming  to help > Greedy Merchant A is the amount  of  urine  produced  by  the  average > german shepherd,  that the mules have been looting the countryside for > a month,  and that greedy merchant A can smell salami from three yards > away. > >      However, for OUR purposes, all of this information is irrelevant. > >      Using  all  the  facts from the above paragraphs,  prove,  in ten > steps or less, that Greedy Merchant A was struck by a flying horseshoe > and that said horseshoe was hurled by  a  person  named  Horace.  Also > prove, in that same space, that Greedy Merchant B ate the salami which > was avoided by Greedy Merchant A. > >      For extra credit, prove that Greedy Merchant B got food poisoning > from the salami and died within a week.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aha.  Ten steps?  Now let's see... }  1. Greedy Merchant A has fourteen bolts of cloth...in all times, }     there were 4.321 merchants on earth that fit that }     description, the others are not greedy or don't have enough }     cloth, or no cloth at all. }  2. Each bolt was worth twenty dollars then, so there remain only }     Bakr ibn Ja'far in Damaskus, Chen Hui-Lin in Shanghai and }     Murray F. Goldfarb III in Meriden, Ohio. }  3. The colours show it has to be Goldfarb, since Bakr sells }     only sky-blue cloth with black dots, and Chen sells red cloth }     with green and golden stripes. }  4. Merchant B has the same peculiar pecuniar behaviour... }     there are 1.587 candidates. }  5. The colours reduce this to 1.583. }  6. The only one of those who ever worked for Goldfarb is }     Lucius X. Nylon, also from Meriden. }     (Verifying all the facts you listed shows that they are right. }     By the way, Goldfarb doesn't like salami because it isn't }     kosher, and the Devil you mention is in fact the local }     chief of organized crime, Frankie Seraglio, whose nickname }     is "the Devil".) }  7. A survey of all the flying objects Goldfarb was ever hit by: }     - 182 flower pots }     - one bolt of green cloth }     - 23 snowballs }     - a meteorite }     - a spoon }     - three pebbles }     - a horseshoe }     Yes, he IS the least liked Greedy Merchant in Meriden. }  8. The horseshoe was flung by Horace Wisdom, the Greedy Mule }     Merchant.  His reason was: "Goldfarb looked in the other }     direction." }  9. Looking for the death cause of Lucius X. Nylon yields: }                       ---------- }                      /          \ }                     /    REST    \ }                    /      IN      \ }                   /     PEACE      \ }                  /                  \ }                  |  Lucius X. Nylon | }                  |       8! AU      | }                  |   killed by a    | }                  | poisonous salami | }                  |                  | }                  |       1992       | }                 *|     *  *  *      | * }        _________)/\\_//(\/(/\)/\//\/|_)_______ } } 10. I asked Goldfarb (I can't know *everything*, can I?) about }     the salami, and he acknowledged that it was the one he had }     avoided six days before. } } You owe the Oracle some sky-blue underwear with black dots and } two average garden snails, and you owe Murray F. Goldfarb III } a crash helmet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, I think you're pretty cool, and you sure know an awful > lot, but I was just wondering... > > Do you really think it is very nice to ZOT people?  I mean, individuals > are different.  They have different means of expressing themselves, and > denying them that basic right is detrimental to society as a whole... > I think maybe you should mend your ways and stop treating humans as > fodder.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <ZOT!> } } That's "tinder", not fodder.