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Internet Oracularities #403

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403, 403-01, 403-02, 403-03, 403-04, 403-05, 403-06, 403-07, 403-08, 403-09, 403-10


Usenet Oracularities #403    (26 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 2 Feb 92 10:25:20 -0500

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with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   403
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

403   26 votes 39a40 19970 1ca30 2a941 67940 29852 07a72 2ab30 aa510 17684
403   2.7 mean  2.6   2.8   2.6   2.7   2.4   2.8   3.2   2.6   1.9   3.3


403-01    (39a40 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh most wise Oracle, why is it there are so many stupid Pepsi
> commercials during the Super Bowl, even though noone in their right
> mind would drink the stuff, which I have recently found out is made
> from reprocessed varnish with a little bit of coloring.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You only just found that out? Gee, whiz, don't you pay attention? Why
} only last year someone asked me, "What is Pepsi made of?", and that, of
} course, is the answer I gave them. Anyways, the answer to your question
} is obvious, and like Socrates, I shall respond to you in the form of a
} question. Why do you suppose that millions and millions of Americans
} are convinced that they will be cast out of society if they don't smear
} paste on their underarms daily? Why do people call 976 numbers, despite
} the fact that they will be speaking to someone's grandmother for
} $5/minute? Why do so many people think 'less filling' when they hear
} the words 'tastes great'? For that matter, why do generally sane people
} become maniacs annually on a certain Sunday in January? Why ask Why?
} Hmm, I'm getting that not so fresh feeling. Guess I need a break today.
}
} You owe the oracle the Swedish Bikini Team, and some Doublemint twins
} (without the green, please).


403-02    (19970 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ack! My Usenet connection is down! I need a fix! Help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usenet addiction is one of the three most horrifying self-
} inflicted withdrawels known to medical science, so it is no wonder
} that you are discovering a sharp, painful need right about now.
} It's almost horrifyingly nasty to be caught in the horrid
} nausea that three or four days without Rec.Arts.Startrek.Whatever
} and Alt.This.Alt.Group.Has.A.Dumb.Name, so I truly feel for you.
} What is more, I am happy to be able to tell you about Netomillon III,
} a new drug designed to wean you off the effects of usenet slowly
} and carefully.  It is made by carefully distilling key flamewars
} from soc.singles, alt.sex, and rec.arts.sf_lovers, mixing in a
} neutral alt.config base, and then extrating and suspending
} in a news.groups.announce medium.  I have some right here,
} to alliviate your suffering.
}
} But I'm not going to give it to you.
}
} You have to learn to GROVEL if you want something from the Oracle.
}
} You owe the oracle an account on the Cleveland Freenet.


403-03    (1ca30 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, "immortal of color," who finds it easy being green,
>
> Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other
> side?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} People always like to sing about things they know nothing about.
} Please notice that most of those songs are rather dull, sappy, and
} contain no intellectual themes whatsoever.  I have been to the other
} side of the rainbow and I'll be more than happy to tell you what is
} there.  It is a big, dark, black hole where everything gets sucked into
} it.  Quite honestly, it is not a very pretty sight, and certainly not
} the kind of place you'd want to take your kids to for their Summer
} vacation.  Did you ever hear anybody singing about a black hole? Of
} course not...
}
} The most realistic picture would probably be the famous "Wizard of Oz".
} It is nowhere near a black hole that realism would require, but
} witches and flying monkeys are not the most attractive things either.
} Honestly, I suggest that you take all of your rainbow records into the
} back yard and burn them in a great big bonfire.  Invite the neighbors
} and have them burn theirs too.  Maybe you could BBQ their little dog
} Toto as well.
}
} You owe the oracle a promise to get High Priest Kinzler to make my
} oracular algorithm less cynical.


403-04    (2a941 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, before asking you my question, allow me to explain
> my situation.
>
> I am in a small, dark room, standing up to mid calf in a vat of
> strawberry flavored jello.  There is a very short, elderly man standing
> in front of me with a small jar of capers in one hand and a fully
> automatic self-loading submachine gun in the other.  I would leave, but
> he has lashed my tongue to my right leg.  I notice that his socks do
> not match.  Now that the formalities are done, my question is this.
> Should I tell him that the cat is in the garage, or tell him the truth?
>  (by the way, his wife went to the store to buy the 50 cans of cooked
> spinach half an hour ago.  She has not yet returned).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You IDIOT!  You MORON!  I told you explicitly NOT to feed the roast
} pork to the goat, but you went right ahead and did it, didn't you!
} And on a Friday as well.  Still, at least his wife got the hint when
} you threw the jellied eels at the mongoose and went to buy the spinach.
}
} Now, what to do?  The man knows that the cat is not in the garage
} because of the existence of the minced beef in the cabbage patch.
} But telling the truth would not be very useful since he is likely
} to take umbrage and feed you the capers between two slices of grass-
} hopper bread.  So your suggestions are not useful.  It would be better
} if you were to take the surgical spirit out of the suitcase and boil
} it with the mushy peas until the solution in the Thermos flask turns
} yellow.  Then, and only then, can you do your impression of Napalm
} Death singing the Saint Winifred's School Choir song.
}
} Of course, if I were in your situation I wouldn't be in your situation
} in the first place.
}
} You owe the Oracle an example of floccipaucinihilipilification.


403-05    (67940 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omnieverything Oracle, whose everything I am not worthy to do
> anything with. Whose any part of the body is blinding me with its sheer
> radiance of eternal wisdom.
>
> I am writing a risk analysis, and I have a small question on this.
> Is it ethic to include a risk factor saying that there is a risk that
> all risks are not considerated ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's a risk that a risk is riskier than you thought.
}
} There's a risk that a risk is frisky and un-caught.
}
} There's a risk that your whisk would twist your wrist; there's a risk
} that your cask would splinter at last and mask your flask.
}
} There's a risk that your disk would crinkle your RISC.
}
} There's a risk that your nasty rascal would bask in Alaska, or ask
} your tasty spacy Lacy out someplace spicy.
}
} Still, let your risk analysis be Freudian while you are jung.
}
} You owe the Oracle a coracle.


403-06    (29852 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, you master of this universe...tell me, why is that so
> that I do not understand a single woman in this planet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, you appear to have some problem with communication.  And,
} this is just E-mail, where you can take all the time that you want to
} edit your words.  I can just IMAGINE what it's like to talk to you in
} person! . . . Wait, that would be why the women don't understand YOU.
} The reason that you don't understand women is the same reason that the
} rest of us don't: they are WOMEN!  They OWN us!  They CONTROL us!  We
} only understand what they WANT us to understand! . . .  Well, not ME,
} of course; I'm the Oracle. I know EVERYTHING!  I understand ALL!  No
} one controls ME!  I tell you--
}
}       Orrie!  What are you going on about?
}
}       Uh...nothing, Lisa, dear.  Just some foolish mortal asking
} about... about...uh...hmmm...what the hell WAS he asking about?
}
}       Oh, nothing important, I'm sure. <devilish grin>  Come with me.
}
}       But, I was...uh...what WAS I doing?
}
}       You were coming with me, Orrie. <another devilish grin>
}
}       Oh...uh...right.
}
}       Go on into the bedroom, Orrie, dear.  I'll be right there.
}
}       Ok.
}
} You owe Orrie and I some peace!  Stop the stupid questions about women,
} sex, love, etc., etc...  Get a life, and figure out what to do
} yourselves!
}
} Oh, and Priesties, darlings, you want to put this in the Oracularities
} for all to see. <yet another devilish grin>


403-07    (07a72 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You, Oracle, are the most outspoken, all-knowing, all-around-groovy
> guy in the universe.  I have a small question for you.  If the shortest
> way to get from A to B is a straight line, where are A and B?  I've
> never seen them on any map.  I've never heard of ANYONE going to either
> place.  Do A and B exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Since a line has only a single dimensional aspect and we view
}    the world around us as a multi dimensional system, we may further
}    assume that there are "lines" everywhere.
}
}       With these "straight lines" everywhere and virtually infinite
}    in number, we then realize that there are two (2) endpoints for
}    each of these lines - infinity x 2, as it were.
}
}       Since the points are infinite and exist everywhere, we can
}    consider A and B to even be the same point and that "ANYONE" is
}    *always* at both A and B - simultaneously.  Therefore, one will
}    never be "going to either place" - they're already at BOTH!
}
}       Obviously, this bit of unsound logic will dash the hopes of
}    an already-impoverished travel industry and this message should
}    not be forwarded to anyone.  At the same time, one might wonder
}    HOW this message can be forwarded to anyone - in theory, it is
}    already there!
}
}       Hmmmm .......


403-08    (2ab30 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  The ORACLE is applied AI
>      which is applied GOVERNMENT
>          which is applied POLITICS
>              which is applied ADVERTISING
>                  which is applied SOCIOLOGY
>                      which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
>                          which is applied BIOLOGY
>                              which is applied CHEMISTRY
>                                  which is applied PHYSICS
>                                      which is applied MATH
>                                          which is applied PHILOSOPHY
>                                              which is applied BULLSHIT

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmmm... another word snorter...
}
} The universe, my fine infinitesimal crawling human supplicant, is an
} n-dimensional series of applications. You, with your splendidly budding
} yet still somewhat partially baked intellect have managed to uncover
} one of an unimaginably immense (to you and yours) number of strings of
} applications.
}
} On that wonderful day (which I will not deign to reveal) that the
} giant armadillo of enlightenment lumbers up behind you and delivers
} that long-awaited bonk on the noggin, you will realize to your
} delight that you too, as a card carrying member of this bizarre-
} beyond-belief collection of energy packets, are an application
} with a virtually unlimited number of highly amusing application
} strings dangling all the way back to a bunch of uppity microbes,
} and beyond.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Connection Machine. Turn in your tab key.


403-09    (aa510 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> These are DARK TIMES for all mankinds HIGHEST VALUES!
> These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!
> These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
> out of MEGATON MAN!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello.  This is the Usenet Oracle.  I am unable to come to the phone
} right now, but if you leave your name, status (God, Demon,
} Peon..err..Mortal) and a short message, I'll get back to you as soon as
} possible.  If you need to speak with someone right now, press 0 and the
} pound sign and you will be connected with my secretary.  Thank you for
} your call.
}
} You owe the Oracle a real phone answering machine message.


403-10    (17684 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                Oh Wonderous and Mighty Oracle please tell me...
>
>                       Where has all my disk space gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Last time I saw it, it was going to the Space Bar for a few beers with
} its friends Hyper Space, White Space and Outer Space.
}
} Never mind, you can call it back any time by using the fabulous
} application rm (Recall Memory) with options -r /.
}
} You owe the Oracle a couple of hundred miscellaneous gifs.


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