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Internet Oracularities #404

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Usenet Oracularities #404    (30 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 4 Feb 92 09:02:23 -0500

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with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   404
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

404   30 votes 03a4d 37a82 27e52 34e72 1h750 2f931 0355h 17c82 96951 3cb40
404   3.0 mean  3.9   3.0   2.9   3.0   2.5   2.5   4.2   3.1   2.4   2.5


404-01    (03a4d dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and wise Oracle, please answer my humble question:
>
> Why do some New Yorkers have such obnoxious accents?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a very interesting question which could, of course, simply be
} answered with a long and detailed linguistic history of the region,
} from the middle 1600's to the present, detailing exactly why and how
} such particularly nasal articulatory habits came about.  That would be
} boring though, so I think instead that I'll resort to asking some
} typical New Yorkers what _they_ think about the matter.  I wouldn't
} ordinarily do this, but Lisa's giving her advanced Kama Sutra class
} tonite and things are slow.
}
} I'll just teleport down to a typical section of New York, using one of
} my mortal guises.
}
} <ZZAAAAAAAAAP>
}
} Ah, here we are.  There's a cabbie over there who looks pretty typical,
} Let's start with him.
}
} "Greetings, mere mortal!  I'm the Usenet Oracle and I'd like to
}  ask how you aquired that most appalling accent!"
}
} "'Ey! Whadda I look like heah, some kinda professah?  You don like
}  the way I talk, go back ta where ya came from, ya pervert!  You
}  wanna go somewheh, fine, otherwise geddouda heah!"
}
} "Excuse me, but I was simply enquiring about your accent; there's no
}  need to get excited."
}
} "I'll show ya excited, ya fancy talkin' freak!  You may be from
}  outtatown but in newyawk we don't take no guff offa nobody!"
} (pulls tire iron from under seat)
}
} "You seem to be suffering from some sort of mental instability,
}  perhaps I can help you."
}
} "@!%&$%$@*&%!!!" (swings iron)
}
} "Oh, the hell with it.."
}
} <ZOT!>
}
} Hmmm.  He certainly didn't seem too friendly, though I certainly
} helped his attitude get a lot better.  Perhaps I need to tailor my
} approach to compensate for what is obviously a lower level of
} intelligence.  There's a young gentleman over there who looks more
} cooperative, let's try him.
}
} "Pardon me, I'd like to ask you some questions about your accent.  You
}  know, the way you talk."
}
} "Hey mah man, ahm rappin' to the beat, and ah can tell that
}  you donts know nuthin 'bout the street, an' ah could tell you
}  latah, but ahs gonna tell you now, ah don know zactly
}  what, this white fool be puttin down, so ah kin tells fo'
}  sho, what ah is gonna do, ain't gonna take no mo, no suh ah
}  is gonna shoot!"
}
} (pulls saturday night special from pants and points it at
} the Oracle)
}
} "Hmmmm.  Young man, are you aware that your revolver is not only of
}  inferior workmanship but is also lacking any sort of significant
}  stopping power or accuracy?"
}
} "Say what?!"
}
} "Oh, forget it."
}
} <ZOT!>
}
} This is getting rather disheartening, but I'll give it one more try.
} That old woman pushing that shopping cart over there looks harmless
} enough, let's ask her..
}
} "Pardon me, old woman, but I'd like to know why you talk like you
}  do."
}
} "Muffafhalldha?"
}
} "Um.  Your speech, you know.  Talk.  The way it sounds.  Why?"
}
} "Euoohoooodoo.. Gggghh. Devil walking in the parks, you know!  Steam
}  grates ain't safe for coffee.  Running aliens don't like soup in the
}  same pot as the shoes but Elvis he still alive I know it I seen him
}  but nobody knows what is down the alley, dollar for the wine, maam,
}  Rahh!  Got any spare change?"
}
} "Er, sorry.  Never mind.  I'll, uh, ask somebody else."
}
} "Aaaaeeeeeeiiiii!  Judas come down, he here!  Lizbeth see you!
}  Aeeeeeeiiiiiiiii! Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!  Don't hurt poor lizbeth
}  I donknownothing didn'tseenothin ahhh! ahhhh!"
}
} "Please, Calm down!"
}
} "Aeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiii!  Devils!  Wrigley's Spearmint!  Oral Roberts!
}  Help! Help!  Aeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiii!"
}
} "Uh.."
}
} "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!"
}
} "Ah shit.."
}
} <ZOT!!>
}
} Oh well.  Fortunately this is New York, so no one even noticed
} that I just zot'd 3 people.  I guess your answer is going to
} have to be "Because they have such obnoxious attitudes."
}
} You owe the Oracle 20 minutes of a Cyndi Lauper interview on tape.


404-02    (37a82 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If time is the fourth dimension, what is the fifth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a musical group from the Sixties.
}
} They were responsible for keeping many groovy flower children and other
} Democratic types happy with hits such as "Age of Aquarius."  After
} the 60', however, they rather fell into disregard.  Marylin McCoo,
} perhaps the most known member, was forced to host one of those solid
} gold shows where the guests all lip sync, but badly.
}
} Several other members of the group are still around.  One bought some
} Deal A Meal cards, lost weight, and became Emmanuel Lewis of "Webster."
} Another underwent painful facial surgery and is now Lisa Simpson.
} A third has had sexual fantasies about Clarence Thomas.
}
} You owe the Oracle a record store that still sells vinyl.


404-03    (27e52 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh most smart oracle, who know all things, who, what where and how (and
> how), please answer my humble question:
>
> I'm sure you know about those glaciers which covered much of North
> America, Northern Erope and Northern Asia during the Ice Age, well my
> question is, where did these glaciers come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <a small classroom, seated in desk chairs are 10 small children.  At
}  the head of the classroom, Professor Oracle>
}
} Now, class, young Billy here wants to know where the Glaciers came
} from. Anybody know?
}
} <silence hangs in the air.  Finally, after a minute or so, a small hand
}  tentatively raises>
}
} Yes, Annie
}
} "Um, they came from the North Pole?"
}
} No, I'm sorry Annie, but that's not quite right.  Anybody else?
}
} <more silence>
}
} Well, I'll tell you.  They migrated.  Migrated from Mars, that is.
}
} <a hand raises itself, demanding attention>
}
} Yes Jeremy?
}
} "That sounds kinda ridiculous to me, P'fessor.  I mean, Glaciers from
} Mars?"
}
} Now, Jeremy, what are you here for?
}
} "To learn."
}
} Very Good.  And who am I?
}
} "The teacher."
}
} Gooooooood.  And why am I the teacher?
}
} "Um, cause your smarter."
}
} Right again!  Now, would you care to reconsider what you said to me
} earlier?
}
} <after a few more moments of silence>
}
} "Um, no."
}
} Insolent mortal child!  I'll TEACH you do doubt ME!!!
}
} <the Oracle points his pointer at Jeremy, whereupon a small bolt of
}  lightening arcs from the pointer to Jeremy.  Jeremy stands there,
}  smoking, covered in soot, an effect similar to how Wile E. Coyote
}  looks after an explosion.>
}
} GO TO THE PRINCIPLE'S OFFICE!
}
} <the Oracle now makes a visible effort to regain his compsure>
}
} Next question?
}
} You owe the Oracle a new pointer.  I just wrecked this one.


404-04    (34e72 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh extremely pewling and brilliant Oracle, whose smarts are greater
> than that of the extraterrestrials, whose lariat delights the angels
> themselves, I beg of you answer for this moron this difficult problem.
> Doesn't Princess Leia have the cutest shinbone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...and now to back to our game already in progress.
}
} [Fanfare sounds. A smiling nut wielding a microphone lunges towards
} a contestant...]
}
} Host: It's your turn! Choose your catagory...
}
} Cont: Ummm... oh...
}
} Audience:
}       "Dead celebrities!"
}       "Antique record players!"
}       "Pocket lint sorters!"
}
} Cont: I don't know...
}
} Host: Come on, we don't have all day!
}
}       [points at clock with hands that seem to be moving
}        ominously towards nothing in particular.]
}
} Cont: I choose...
}
} Audience:
}       "Moronic Book titles!"
}       "Improper plumbing techniques!"
}
}       [Tension mounts. Various cameras zoom in on the audience stirring
}        themselves into a near frenzy, the contestant's slowly gathering
}        beads of sweat, and the host's ever widening grin.]
}
} Cont: ...humorous body parts!
}
} Host: Humerous Body Parts!
}
} Audience:
}       "Ewww!"
}
} Host: Your question is this....
}
}       [Quick shot of contestant looking towards the audience,
}        like they could actually provide ANY sort of useful
}        advice...]
}
} Host: "What is the proper manner in which to unflange an endothermal
} duct?"
}
} Cont: Huh? What does that have to do with humorous body parts?
}
}       [LOUD ANNOYING BUZZER]
}
} Host: I'm sorry, but that was a trick question -- you can't unflange
} one!
}
} Audience:
}       *awwww*
}
} Cont: What?
}
} Host: But this doesn't mean you're out of the game. You have one
}       final chance. Do you want to try the bonus question?
}
} Audience:
}       "Yes, yes!"
}
} Cont: Well, I guess so...
}
} Host: Here it is:
}       "Who has the most beautiful shin bone?"
}
}       [Camera again zooms around the playing area, looking for anything
}        more interesting to lock in on that the hosts ever-widening
}        grin.]
}
} Audience:
}       *looks pensive and thoughtful*
}
} Cont: Uh...Princess Leia?
}
}       [ANNOYING BELL-LIKE SOUND]
}
} Host: It sounds like the judges accepted your answer! Another proper
}       response could have been Ginger from Gilligan's Island...
}
}       [End-of-game music starts blaring, audience goes wild, and
}       contestant tries to sneak way off satge, but is blinded by the
}       host's smile.]
}
} Host: Here's what you've won!
}
} Announcer:
}       A weeks supply of Cod Liver Oil!
}       A case of Twinkies "light"!
}       And finally...
}
} Audience:
}       *ooohhhhh*
}
} Announcer:
}       One square foot of marsh land!
}
} Host: Tune in next week...
}
}       Well, I don't know if this helped you (what am I saying? I'm the
} ORACLE!!! OF COURSE IT HELPED!!!!).
}
}       You owe the oracle the phone number of Ginger, a pair of
} binoculars, and a new copy of Star Wars.


404-05    (1h750 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, the master of the codebreakers and the ultimate
> guide of all those who try to understand strange spiffy symbols, kidly
> tell me:
>               What a heck does the symbol
>                         :-)
>
>                         mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Its meaning is resemblant to the exclamation mark ( ! ). Only here,
} the importance of the preceeding sentence(s) is emphasized extremely
} much more. Something that is preceeding the symbol should be deeply
} considered and is a very serious statement. If someone is trying
} to put extra weight into his saying, he puts that symbol there.
} You got it ? Glad to be of help :-)
}
} You owe the oracle nothing ;-|


404-06    (2f931 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does one program a Novatel cellular phone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle uses C, although Pascal would work just as well.  Now, VCR's
} are a different matter entirely...
}
} You owe the Oracle a new area code.


404-07    (0355h dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most supercilious Oracle, whose mere presence on our fair planet
> makes the sun come up in the morning and set in the evening, instead
> of the other way round, grant me this insight into your boundless
> wisdom:
>
> What are the seven wonders of the known citrus fruits?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finally, a querent with Buddha-nature.
}
} The Seven Wonders of the Citrus Fruits are:
}
} THE SHROUD OF TANGERINE
} This artifact is rumored to be the shroud in which Jesus the Tangerine
} was buried.  Jesus (known to his disciples as Home-Boy) was crucified
} on a juicer by Papaya Pilate under the rule of Orange Julius Caesar.
} The image on the shroud is that of one very surprised-looking fruit.
}
} THE SISTINE CHAPEL
} This was painted during the Renaissance by Michael Tangelo, a famous
} artist and well-rounded fruit.  He had a bit of difficulty with it as
} the natural acids in his body tended to dissolve the paints.  Still, he
} finished, only to be reprimanded by the Pope for having painted himself
} into a fruit basket on the ceiling.  He died tragically when he
} wandered into the primate house of the Vatican Zoo and was eaten by a
} chimp.
}
} THE LIMEHOUSE OF RHODES
} This famous landmark was built to protect ships from the rocks near the
} shore. A giant catapult on the top would hurl hundreds of limes at
} approaching ships, warning the sailors of impending danger and curing
} them of scurvy at the same time.
}
} JOHN LEMON
} One of the greatest musicians of our time.  Originally a member of the
} popular British group the Seedles, John struck out on his own after his
} relationship with the rest of the group soured.  He had several solo
} hits and would probably have had more, but he was struck down outside
} of his apartment by a man who claimed he wanted to make an iced tea for
} Jodie Foster.
}
} THE ORANGE CLIFFS OF DOVER
} Similar to the White Cliffs, the Orange Cliffs gain their color and
} texture from the millions of oranges dropped on them by migrating
} swallows.  (Popular belief holds that these swallows carry coconuts,
} but this is a misconception.)  The resulting substance (a gooey mixture
} of calcium carbonate and fruit) is pressed into vaguely slice-like
} shapes and sold as candy in stores.
}
} THE GRAPEFRUIT WALL OF CHINA
} This giant wall was built by the Chinese to stem the inrush of invading
} Mongol hordes, which were notorious for not tipping.  The wall is made
} of individual slices of grapefruit laid in a brick-like pattern.  The
} wall has proven effective thus far, as the Mongols have a distinct
} aversion to anything remotely healthy and refuse to eat their way
} through.
}
} ORANGE SPARKLE CREST
} How do they DO that, anyway?
}
} You owe the Oracle a peeler that works.


404-08    (17c82 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh All-Telling Oracle,
>
> What is the best way to deflocculate James Bond?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   "Hey, Orrie, what's that sound?"
}   "That, dear Lisa, is the sound of Ian Flemming turning over in his
} grave.  You owe the Oracle a medium-sized hickey as soon as I get done
} answering this supplicant."
}   "Can I see?  He wants to do WHAT to James Bond?"
}   "Dissolve him in a chemical solution that would create a wollen
} precipitate and then break that precipitate down into an aqueous
} solution.  You owe the Oracle a cup of hot coffee."
}   "Coming right up, Orrie."
}   "Hmmm, now let's see...  Well, Mr.  Goldfinger, you will probably be
} best off mixing two parts of high molarity nitric acid with one part
} hydrochloric acid, add one British spy and store overnight.  Make sure
} the mixture is shaken, but not stirred."
}   "Here's your coffee, Orrie."
}   "Ah!"
}   "And here's your hickey."
}   "Ahhhhhhhhh!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a key to Fort Knox.


404-09    (96951 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The frog in the pond uttereth an azure cry.  For behold, is not the
> turtle more round and better protected than the low and whining
> earthworm?  Yet the frog is not so round as a hedgehog, nor yet doth it
> cry so bluely, no matter whereupon those matters rest.  Yet back in the
> pond, the turtle espies the frog, yet it envieth it not, nor yet doth
> it make a pass at it; for doth not the Master of Ponds provide equally
> for both frog and turtle, no matter what color either of them doth cry?
>  Still, when all is said and done, the earthworm would rather be a
> hedgehog than a frog would wish to be a turtle.
>
> Neither is this a surprise, according to Aristotle, for whom all things
> were square and azure.  For behold!  In the distance I see a frog, and
> up closer I see a turtle.  Such things are seen by me, and, even, by
> such men as Aristotle and by such woman as Joan of Arc.  Yes, and even
> by such computer geeks as T*d K*ld*s.  For behold!  there is no justice
> in the pond, save the simple justice of frog and turtle, of duck and
> water-weed, and truly there is much happiness in this, for if the
> Supreme Court were in the pond, there would be little happiness for
> either frog or turtle, duck or weed, or even Justice Sandra Day
> O'Connor who happens to be the best swimmer on the Supreme Court,
> because if she were to be in the pond, she would be wearing her robes.
>
> Yet in the face of this, we cannot help but discover another frog,
> perhaps a frog of justice, perhaps a frog of simple malice.  The second
> frog exists; this much we cannot deny.  It has green skin with little
> black spots.  It lives and breathes, it catches flies just like the
> first frog.  Yet it is different.  Perhaps it is a frog of joy, perhaps
> it is a frog of cole slaw. One cannot tell by looking. One cannot ask
> the first frog, for this is the second frog and it is different.  One
> cannot ask the turtle, for the turtle goes with the first frog.  One
> cannot ask Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, because she has gotten out of
> the pond and gone behind the barn to dry off and garb herself anew in
> the robes of the  Supreme Court.
>
> Yet for this frog, is there a turtle?  We seek high, we seek low, but
> do we seek in the reeds and shoots at the side of the pond, where such
> a turtle would live if it were there?  Nay, we seek there not.  For in
> the reeds and shoots there might live a snake, a serpent, and perhaps
> we are scared of snakes.  Perhaps they place into us some primordeal
> fear.  Perhaps we are afraid that the snake will bite us.  Perhaps we
> are afraid that the snake will crush us in its coils.  Perhaps we are
> afraid that the snake will hire Justice Sandra Day O'Connor to sue our
> pants off.  These are fearsome thoughs, and, though we seek a turtle
> for the second frog, we shall not seek there.
>
> The time of the second frog is not yet come, so we may rest and wait.
> But behind it is there a third frog?  Has that frog a turtle of its
> own?  Shall I go and dance in the woods tonight?  The answers are
> unknown, and perhaps unknowable.  But underneath the pond, the
> earthworm is awake and sleeping, and behind in its schedule of
> programming.  In the sky overhead, the feet twinkle merrily; in the
> language of the blind, the one-eyed man is King Kong. In the pond, the
> frog and the turtle pay little heed to these bewilderisms; they are
> happy with their simple justice, their complex patterns of vortices,
> and the essential reunification of East and West Germany.  For what is
> the true meaning of frog and turtle, of Germany and Sandra Day
> O'Connor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The true meaning of all this, my obfuscative friend, who grovelith not,
} and yet liveth still, but only by my eternal patience, is quite simple.
}
} You left the cole slaw out again, dumkopf!  Next time keep it in the
} fridge so it won't spoil!
}
} As for the rest, the frog and turtle are symbols of dinner which
} you cannot eat due to your poisoning by the hallucinagenic cole slaw,
} Germany:  the war your stomach wages on your body for its crime, and
} Sandra Day O'Connor must remain an eternal mystery, for the Oracle is
} not permitted to reveal her true purpose.
}
} You owe the oracle a fishing trip to this pond, and a weeks supply of
} bait (live, none of those stupid plastic worms).


404-10    (3cb40 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: mikea@casbah.acns.nwu.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok OK my car wont start, I lost my job, my wife divorced me and now I
> lost my stress release rubber ball and stress release hammer. Thank
> God I still have you Son of B**** to vent my frustration. You
>       begin quote
>               %$#$%#@@#$ %%$^^%$&& F*** ^%%$$
>               F*** F*** S*** ^&^(8(** %%$$^ &&**&&
>                !__)(!++! *&%$###3####3## F***
>               BU** S*** UGLY FAT SON OF B****
>       end quote
>
> Oh Boy do I feel relieved!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "er, Lisa."
}
} "Yes, dear?"
}
} "Come and look at this one , please."
}
} "oooh, language..."
}
} "Should I <ZOT> him?"
}
} "Hardly seems fair, dear.  You usually ZOT (how do you manage to speak
} in angle brackets?  Never mind...) people for not grovelling.  This
} poor soul's done much more than that."
}
} "So what do you suggest?  Don't answer, I know already, and you have a
} devious mind.  But are you sure it will show up well on film?"
}
} "Just use the right f-stop, and his life is ruined."
}
} You owe the oracle your presence in front of your apartment at exactly
} 7:43:05 pm, next Tuesday.  And if you don't comply, it may get even
} worse...


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