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Internet Oracularities #405

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Usenet Oracularities #405    (22 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 6 Feb 92 07:47:09 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   405
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

405   22 votes 36562 42e20 06475 34861 05764 08473 37570 2a730 49711 36b11
405   2.9 mean  2.9   2.6   3.5   2.9   3.4   3.2   2.7   2.5   2.4   2.6


405-01    (36562 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Incalculable Oracle, who's breath is as fresh as the Highland air,
> who's presence I am not fit to grace, tell me:
>
> Why did Shakespeare start that famous line:
> "To be or not to be, that is the question, whether 'tis....."
> when it would have made life a lot easier for English students
> everywhere if he had started it:
> "True, that is the question, whether 'tis....."
>
> This, of course, is mathematically correct, because (A v ~A) = TRUE.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wrong-o, you ignorant classical logician.  He said  "2B v ~2B", not
} "B v ~ B".  That doesn't even typecheck in ordinary classical logic,
} 'cause even a dorfy numbskull like you knows that you can't multiply
} Boolean values by numbers.  No, Shakespeare, like most world-class
} logician playwrights, was working in Halmos's Logic of the Reals,
} which uses the quasilattice of finite sets of real numbers for truth
} values.  It doesn't even *have* a notion of TRUE.  2B is an
} abbreviation for B+B, that is, the set of all sums of two elements of
} B.  ~C, for any C, is the sets of negatives and reciprocals of
} elements of C; and disjunction v is defined as for probability:
} B v C = B + C - BC = {b1 + c1 - b2c2 | b1,b2 in B, c1, c2 in C}
}
} So none of your lip about working in some stupid classical
} interpretation of logic.  Ain't you never heard of poetic licence,
} dumbfronk?  That means that a poet can work in *whatever* *kind* *of*
} *logic* *they* *fucking* *want*, even something as crazy as Halmos'
} logic.
}
} You owe the Oracle a definition of conjunction in Halmos' logic, such
} that De Morgan's laws and the distributive laws hold.  Pronto.


405-02    (42e20 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get more out of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, in just a thousandth of a picosencond, the Oracle got file, lie,
} if, fie, and ilfe (don't ask, you'll understand soon) out of LIFE.
}
} But somehow I think you wanted a different answer.  So grovel next
} time.
}
} <Auto-Lisa interrupt number G276>: I think you place far too much
} importance on debasement.  Answer the question better.
}
} Now why did I ever teach her how to program in C for the Unix shell?
}
} Alright, a better answer.
}
} Have you ever wondered exactly *why* you aren't getting enough out of
} life?  Do you think there's some massive conspiracy against you, or are
} you finally ready to admit it's your fault?  Now look here, I can't
} exactly describe your daily activities as maximizing life's potentials,
} or for that matter even barely interesting.  I mean, if you want more
} out of life, you have to be prepared to get up off your fat behind and
} actually TRY to get something!  What in khel do you expect to get just
} handed to you?  WHAT???
}
} <Auto-Lisa interrupt number R12>: Orrie dear, I think you need to
} relax.
}
} Ah, er, excuse me.  Got a little out of hand there.  Uhhh, but you
} needed it!  Yeah, that's right!  It was just one of those thingies, a
} motivational thingy, that kind of thing where I needed to give you some
} sort of psychological shock to your system to make you realize what's
} happening.  Yes, that must have been it.  Of course, since I am
} omniscient, I knew that all along.  In fact, this paragraph has been
} part of that scheme, and I dare you to prove that it hasn't.  So there.
}
} <Auto-Lisa interrupt number I69>: Now that you have some spare time,
} Orrie dear, I'm waiting in the bedroom...
}
} Oh yes, *that's* why I taught her...
}
} You owe the Oracle a psych textbook, a dozen roses, and a case of
} Schlitz.


405-03    (06475 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many UNIX users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Five:
}       one to locate the man pages for the light switch,
}       one to decode the command-line arguments for the bulb-changing
}        program (written to be portable to any light socket, of course),
}       one to ftp the latest version of the light bulb from a trusted
}        anonymous file server,
}       one to write a device driver /dev/bulb,
}       and one to complain to the sys.admin when the switch is out of
}        reach.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a date with Kernighan or Ritchie.
}
}               THIS ORACULARITY INSPECTED BY MELISSA ROTH


405-04    (34861 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderous oracle, on whom the fate of the
> universe has often rested in the past (Hey, we're still here, ain't
> we?!) answer your humble supplicant this humble question...
>
> I have tried everything to get Susie to love me.  I've bought her
> flowers, sent her candy, called her at 3:00 AM, showed her my scar,
> etc.  Why doesn't she love me anymore?  I mean, ever since I got those
> front row seats at the tracker pull, she's been really standoffish.
> She doesn't even enjoy watching the World Wrestling Federation on TV
> anymore.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clk.  You have reached the Oracle.  All our lines are busy now (even
} the Oracle has to deal with mortal means of communication), so we are
} shunting your question to Madam Fayke's Tarot Line.
}
} <Bzzt Bop Ding>
}
} Clk.  You have reached the spiritual abode of Madam Fayke.  All our
} Tarot decks are busy consulting with the Astral Plane right now, so we
} will have to substitute an ordinary deck of playing cards right now.
}
} <Bzzt Bop Ding Shuffle Shuffle>
}
} Card #1: The Eight of Spades.
} This card represents the time at which you called Susie (corrected for
} Universal Oracular Time, of course).  The spades, which look like a
} heart with a spear in the center, obviously show this was a bad idea.
} Women get grouchy when they don't get enough sleep.  What this does to
} their usually unstable frame of mind is part of what you're
} experiencing now.
}
} Card #2: The Five of Clubs.
} This card represents the age at which you were when you recieved the
} injury that became the scar that you showed Susie.  I think.  Grammar.
} Anyhow, the club looks like the pierced heart of the spade, except it
} has partly deflated due to the serious trauma.  Maybe leave out the
} scar next time.
}
} Card #3: The Eight of Hearts.
} This card represents the eight roses that you sent her (too cheap for a
} dozen, eh?  Don't worry, women don't care about logic like that).  The
} mutilated, deflated, dysfunctional heart is totally healed and patched
} up and has regained its healthy, red color.  Good move.
}
} Card #4: The Seven of Clubs.
} This card represents the seven male friends you brought along to what
} she thought was an intimate date at the "tracker" pull.  Not very
} smart, eh?  The total of the cards thus far is twenty eight, which is
} seven (the value of this card) divided by four (the position of this
} card). This shows that this is the major turning point in the
} relationship. The heart which had just been doing so well has now died
} utterly and completely again.  The deck must be reshuffled after this
} "power" card.
}
} <shuffle shuffle>
}
} Card #5: The Eight of Clubs.
} This card represents the eight hours of WWF that you watch every week.
} As you can see, it doesn't do anything towards helping you get Susie.
} Shape up, get a life, and stop watching.  Sell the dolls and the
} trading cards, and buy her more roses (better be a dozen this time)
} with the money.
}
} Card #6: The Three of Diamonds.
} This card represents the only thing that's left, the box of candy.  You
} should have gotten her three diamonds instead, the candy was too
} little, too late.
}
} We at Madam Fayke's hope this reading has enriched your life and solved
} your problem.  We now return you to the Oracle.
}
} <Bzzt Bop Ding>
}
} Since I already know what "MF" has told you, I can sum up her advice
} briefly.  GET A LIFE!  Pay some attention to the poor dear!
}
} You owe the Oracle a more relaxed Tarot deck, a dozen roses, and a case
} of Schlitz.


405-05    (05764 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle wise, who commandeth such might,
> Please tell me how to be rid of this plight.
>
> I love one so sweet, so active, so giddy,
> Though she is not glam'rous, she is still quite pretty.
>
> For all this, alas, there is still one glitch:
> The woman I love IS A CELIBATE BITCH!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Truly, your quandary is quite a rub;
} Your pleadings unheeded, your flowers did flub,
}
} Your candy was eaten, your roses did wilt,
} your Hallmark was lost and your Bourgogne was spilt.
}
} She told you dark passions for your 'mmortal soul,
} and she drank the Scorpion and took home the bowl.
}
} She asked for your hands, which she held in her lap,
} You moved but an inch, and you felt such a slap
}
} You stuttered and bumbled, and cried for her peace
} She dialed nine-one-one and talked to the police
}
} And now you're awaiting your trial at Verdun
} You're hoping that she truthfully was twenty-one
}
} No human pain was worth your elation
} You owe me im-med-i-ate grat'fication.


405-06    (08473 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> F*cking sh*thead pisser of a c*nt-lapper stole my wallet too.  Where'd
> it go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You seem to be upset.  I'll take your lack of groveling to
} mean that you *are* upset, and so therefore you don't quite
} realise how close you are to total destruction.  Well, anyhow....
}
} Your wallet, in making it's daring escape (whether from you
} or the person he took it, I will not hazard to guess) took
} a bullet to the change-purse and had to stagger its way into
} an alley.  There, an enigmatic woman found the bleeding
} wallet and took him to a top secret base, where they reconditioned
} him and added any number of cybernetic functions and parts.  Now
} the wallet was capable of instantly counting all the money it held,
} it could read and duplicate the magnetic strips of any cards
} slipped inside it, it could take photographs, and it could instantly
} send this information to the National Security Agency's datanets,
} all at the drop of a hat.  So, you'll understand if National Security
} prevents me from telling you precisly where your wallet is, but
} keep an eye on the news.  It's been on CNN three times already.
}
} You owe the Oracle a leather purse (for him to give to Lisa)


405-07    (37570 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle whose keyboards I am not fit to type on, answer your
> humble supplicant's question...
>
> What do I have to do to get Brad Templeton to print my jokes on
> rec.humor.funny?  I mean, I'm a very funny fellow!!!  Each month, I
> proofread them and mail them in and each month I get the standard
> rejection letter from that auto reply daemon of his.  *sigh*  I even
> send them to the right address depending on the topic.  What must I do
> to get published?  Isn't there some way to tickle Mr. Templeton's funny
> bone?  How can I get a real sense of humor that he will appreciate?
>
> WAIT!  Maybe you can help.  If you made the response to this question
> REALLY REALLY FUNNY, you could make sure that everyone votes really
> high for this question and thus ensure that it makes the year's best
> and gets on rec.humor.funny!  Oops... Almost forgot.  My name is
> anonymous on this letter.  *sigh*  Oh well... Back to the drawing
> board...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hoo, boy, you just really blew it friend. I happen to *be* Brad
} Templeton (the Oracle and I go way back) and I was just testing this
} new PS-2000XL Humour Modulator. That question was pretty funny. heh
} heh. ...not fit to type on your keyboards... that's good kid. Well, at
} least not too bad. Er, actually, it sort of sucked, but this Modulator
} went off the scale! Lessee, this computer of the Oracle's  is pretty
} complicated, let's see if I can figure out who called...
} >trace mode exe
} %   Tracing...
} %   List call number, please...
} <Lesse here, the thing says...um....4346343. Okay...>
} >4345343
} %   Tracing...
} %   Trace complete!
} %   Type "q trace f 3646" for more...
} <Okay...>
} >q trace f 3646
} %   Enter password for trace analysis...
} <What is this? The Oracle getting pretty strict lately...Lessee...>
} >######
} %   Password incorrect...
} %   Try again...
} <Hmmm.....>
} >########
} %   Password correct...
} %   Retrieving...
} %   Do you wish to execute autodaemon.flame.mortal?
} <Hmmmm...What's this?>
} >sure
} %   Flaming...
} %   Forign mortal flamed...
} %   Warning! Trace information will be dumped after close of file...
} >q why
} %   Processing...
} %   To save memory and keep the Oraclevax running most economically,
} %   all info that has been labled useless will not be stored unless
} %   specifically ordered.  In this case, the mortal in question has
} %   been flamed into pile of charred carbon crisps, via
} %   autodaemon.flame.mortal.
} <oops...>
} >qquit
} %   Quiting Trace mode...
}
} Well, there you have, another example of why the Oracle should not let
} me use his computer. Anyway, since you're a pile of crisps on the
} floor, I guess you don't owe me anything. At least I got rid of the
} gamete-head, he was starting to bug me with his requests to be on
} rec.humor.funny. Oh well...


405-08    (2a730 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, mighty and powerful Oracle, whose level of wisdom I am not
> worthy to contemplate, I humbly beg of you to answer my question.
> What's going to happen now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm.  This doesn't seem to be a very significant question.  Most
} querents ask profound or otherwise self-important questions, such as:
}       Does Carole love me?
}       How can I improve my sex life?
}       Where's your towel?
}
} But you just want to know what happens next, right?
}
} In that case, I have such a deal for you.  It's new Light
} Prognostications, from Fate Watchers.  Just open the package and
} microwave on HIGH for about 10 seconds.  Instant prediction!  Here's
} what popped up for you:
}
}       Scientists will discover that Lou Gehrig's dying of Lou Gehrig's
}       disease was NOT a coincidence;
}
}       Dan Quayle is actually the voice of Pinnocchio;
}
}       Picking up pennies is only $7.20/hour;
}
}       You will be eaten by rabid Smurfs.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Seal a Meal.


405-09    (49711 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
>
> Do you agree?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
}
} You owe the Oracle an online Latin dictionary, with the congugation
} plug-in module.


405-10    (36b11 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, why am I angry so much these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Because, my insignificant supplicant, aliens from the planet
} Groth are inducing anger in you.  It's all part of an on-going test
} which the Grothians have been performing for thousands of years, now.
} See, before the Grothians came along, you human beings were all just
} sickeningly happy and worry-free people.  So, the Grothians, being very
} curious and scientific people, decided to conduct a little experiment
} on you and your kind.  They began using their natural telepathic
} abilities to influence the human beings' emotions, causing random
} bursts of anger, hatred, violence, etc.  The results of the Grothians'
} tests are quite interesting.  They have now found precisely 4,345,927
} different, non-related mental images, which when projected on the human
} mind, induce murderous psychosis.  Their goal is to find 5,000,000 such
} images.  Your anger was merely a failed attempt at finding another
} image.  What is the point of these tests, you ask?  There is no point,
} the Grothians are just having some fun.  But, not to worry, I calculate
} that the Grothians will fulfill their goal and leave in a mere 873
} years, causing only 4 more major World Wars.
}
} You owe the Oracle a .GIF collection of all of the
} murderous-psychosis-inducing mental images.


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