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Internet Oracularities #406

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406, 406-01, 406-02, 406-03, 406-04, 406-05, 406-06, 406-07, 406-08, 406-09, 406-10


Usenet Oracularities #406    (24 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 8 Feb 92 10:18:11 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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406   24 votes 33972 53745 47931 24b52 27852 03597 1a661 a6332 3c621 57435
406   2.9 mean  3.1   3.0   2.6   3.0   2.9   3.8   2.8   2.2   2.4   2.8


406-01    (33972 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose handwriting is far more compact than that of
> Fermat, who can solve NP-complete problems in dominomial time (less
> time than it takes mortals to play a game of dominoes), and who can put
> the integral of e^(-x^2) into closed form simply by threatening it with
> a large eraser, please answer my humble question:
>
> Where should I go to get my math Ph.D.?  Chicago is better
> academically, but at UCLA I might actually have a real life outside of
> math.  UCLA is better for choice of specialization, but Chicago is
> better for choice of jobs later.  At Chicago I would have to put up
> with 5 hellish winters; at UCLA I would have to put up with 5 summers
> of smog.
>
> Or should I just give up and make a living as a street mime?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't forget, in Chicago, you'd have to put up with all the media hype
} surrounding the Bears, and in LA the hype about the Dodgers. In Chicago
} you get to see better blues bands, but in LA there are better night
} clubs.
}
} On the other hand, the Sorbonne in Paris offers postgraduate level
} courses in street mime. The weather beats Chicago, the pollution is
} less than LA, and you can spend endless hours amusing the masses
} outside charming cafes. Go for it. After all, as the great Marcel
} Marceau would say, "."
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of your thesis, wherever it comes from.


406-02    (53745 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       "Tyger, Tyger
>       burning bright,
>       In the forests
>       of the night,
>       What immortal hand or eye
>       Could frame thy fearful symmetry?"
>                                               -- William Blake
>
> Oracle, what's a tyger?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A fymynyst tiger.


406-03    (47931 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great grovel to god of the usenet,
>
> Tell me how many song titles exist that contain the word love
> anywhere in the title, except for the first word of the title ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh mere brushoff to supplicant,
}
} The number of such songs is zero.
}
} Proof: It is well known (to all of us omnicient ones, anyway) that,
} throughout the infinitity of time and space, there are an infinite
} number of songs.  However, not all of these songs have titles that
} contain the word "love", except as the first word.  Now, any finite
} number divided by infinity is as near to zero as makes no odds.
} Therefore, any song you may hear with a title containing the word
} "love", except as the first word, is merely the product of a deranged
} imagination.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the single "I'm Not In Love," autographed
} by Douglas Adams.


406-04    (24b52 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wonderful Oracle, who is soooooo great, I just can't describe
> it, recently I called the 1-800 phone number on my Slurpee cup.  I
> suggested to the man who answered that there should be a chocolate
> slurpee.  He said this was a good idea and wrote it down, and I felt
> very good.  But later, I began to think of more and more ideas for
> Slurpees.  So, I called the man back and told him all my ideas, and he
> sounded a little strange, but said that they might be good ideas, for
> someone else, but he didn't think that 7-11 would be interested in
> potatoe and bacon and sour cream Slurpee.  As time went by, I began to
> be obsesed with creating new slurpees.  I called back many times, and
> usually had to disguise my voice with an accent or a handkerchief over
> the mouthpiece.  Finally I realized the ultimate Slurpee:  The Beer
> and/or Hard Liquor Slurpee.  But I have a problem, you see, the
> misguided people at the 7-11 place know my voice and hang up now any
> time I try to call.  How can I give them this great idea and do my part
> for the economy?
>                            Your faithful Servant,
>                                 Hilary Bassett
>
> P.S.  The phone number for the slurpee place is 1-800-232-0711, in case
> you are interested.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well my friend, I can understand your concern.  However, please
} remember that a Japanese company bought 7-11 a little while back.  It's
} extremely obvious that such unfriendly behaivior on 7-11's part,
} ignoring such helpful ideas (indeed, ignoring the consumer's wants) is
} proof that American companies will triumph in the end.  Any help that
} you render the Japanese hurts us, so it is your patriotic duty to stop
} calling them and give them ideas.  It's a damn communist plot.  If only
} Barry Goldwater had been elected President!  God Bless America!
}
} 'sides, where else on this planet could you find a company that would
} make (my mouth waters at the though) Long Island Ice Tea slurpees?
}
} You owe The All-American Oracle a salute to the American Flag with your
} right hand and a Michelob Slurpee in your left.  (urp)


406-05    (27852 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me O wise and totally sublime Oracle.
>
> Why is it that University internal mail systems are so slow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most University internal mail systems run under TIMP (Totally Inept
} Mail Protocol, RFC 19692.4) which requires mail to be manually
} processed through a scanner, fed through an optical character
} recognition program, bounced by satellite around the earth three times
} widdershins, routed to the central delivery computer where it is
} processed by an IBM AT with half a megabyte of memory and no hard
} drive, printed out on an HP DeskJet and delivered by dog sled.
}
} The Oracle owes you a home-study Berlitz course, "Better Groveling in
} 30 Days," available on the Home Shopping Network.  (Not sold in any
} stores!)


406-06    (03597 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (The soothing harmonies of Hayden's 'String Quartet #62 in C major'
>  waft on the warm evening breeze from some unseen source).
>
> O Mighty Oracle, who Truley appreciates the Classics, please tell me:
> who would win if, say, Beethoven and Brahms went up against Mozart
> and Tchaikovsky in tag-team wrestling?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well let's see ...
}
}       (The delicate strains of Sweet Child O' Mine waft over the PA.)
}       Here we are at the first World Wrestling and Classical Music
}       Federation bout for the year. In one corner we have 'The Stinging
}       Bees' in Beethoven and Brahms. In the other corner the new team
}       of 'Wolfman' Mozart and 'Swan Lake' Tchaikovsky, who really needs
}       to find a better name. We can expect a close contest here, and no
}       matter who wins, the real winner here will be classical
}       wrestling. As they start, it's Beethoven and Mozart in the ring.
}       Beethoven charges, but Mozart sees him coming and ducks, grabs
}       his leg and flips him onto the canvas. Beethoven is shaken, but
}       gets up. The Wolfman moves quickly, and now has Beethoven in a
}       half-Nelson. Beethoven struggles free, and raises his arms. He
}       brings down his arms and ... da da da duuum. Beethoven's 5th!
}       Mozart is reeling at the blow. Beethoven tags, so now it's
}       Brahms. Brahms lifts his arms, and the music starts. A cry comes
}       out from the crowd:
}       'What's that racket?'
}       'Racket? That's no racket, that's Brahms! Brahms' third racket!'
}       Mozart is in trouble now. Brahms moves in, but Mozart tags.
}       Tchaikovsky is in.  He lifts his arms and ... it's the Nutcracker
}       Suite! Brahms clutches his groin in agony, tears welling from his
}       eyes.  A low blow from Tchaikovsky there .. no, wait! He's going
}       to play something else! Is it the 1812 overture? No! It's ...  oh
}       my goodness ... it's Peter and the Wolf! This is too much! Brahms
}       can't take it! He falls to the ground, with a nauseous look on
}       his face, and passes out.  Tchaikovsky moves in for the hold ...
}       one, two, three ... and Mozart and Tchaikovsky have defeated the
}       highly fancied Stinging Bees! Referee Axl Rose lifts the
}       triumphant winners' hands into the air. But this is a sad day for
}       wrestling indeed, when such underhanded tactics need to be used
}       to win a wrestling match. Even now Brahms is being carried off on
}       a stretcher ...
}
} Well there's your answer: Mozart and Tchaikovsky. Reminds me of the
} time the London Philharmonic Orchestra played Handel ... and lost.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spell checker.


406-07    (1a661 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Brilliant Oracle,
> I've gone crazy with ballads!  Send me a blue carrot that won't
> lacerate my polygamist fleece!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thought you could fool me, did you?  Thought your clever anagram would
} mess with the Oracular mind, huh?  I know your message actually says:
}
}  O Brilliant Oracle,
}  I came!  See?  I'm bone lazy with ballast!  Vend me a parrot that
}  won't accelerate or fly!   Lucy G. Degs
}
} Glad to know that your sex life is looking better, Lucy.  But remember,
} the flight of the parrot just adds to the excitement.
}
} You owe the Oracle a videotape of your last ornithological encounter.


406-08    (a6332 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Illuminating Oracle, the efficiency of whose brilliance puts
> a compact fluorescent bulb to shame, please tell me:
>
> How many deities does it take to change a light bulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lightbulb?  How quaint!
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete personal account of the sexual habits of
} the sperm whale, and a comparative study to the sexual habits of the
} killer whale.  Have fun.


406-09    (3c621 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Extraordinarily Splendid Oracle,
>
> I know I need a big prestegious buzzword in my title to enhance my
> reputation.  What should it be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Choosing the proper buzzword is one of the most important decisions in
} a young man's life.  Many enterprising young businessmen have had their
} lives totally ruined by selecting a loser like "Anarcho-Objectivist",
} "Technically Illiterate", or "Loser".
}
} You have to ask yourself questions like, "What, if anything, can I do
} well?"  This question will take you far in finding your own, personal
} buzzword.  You may also want to investigate the pattern in the
} buzzwords of the higher-ups in your field.  One of them may even take
} you under his (or her, hey) wing and guide you in the proper selection.
} Many of my higher Priests and Priestesses have gotten where they are
} partly by becoming chummy with me.
}
} However, I have investigated your situation thoroughly, and I can
} definitely say that the best buzzword for your name is "Hung".
}
} You owe the Oracle a Supreme Court nomination.


406-10    (57435 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The world is a game in which physicists toy
> with the theorems and postulates which they employ
> to give our lives order, in a deterministic way
> to predict what will be from what is today
>
> Newton said, "Ha! This is simple to show,
> that an object left alone, will never slow.
> And an old apple core, when you throw it away,
> will fall to the ground, F=ma.
> When you run into a wall, believe me, 'tis true,
> it wont just turn cheek, it runs into you."
>
> Just this past century along came a guy,
> who figured out the equation to send things awry.
> Schrodinger said, "Probability's the device!"
> Einstein responded, "God doesn't play dice."
>
> Where are we now, what are we to believe,
> is the world a magician with something up its sleeve?
> Are we all just randomly occurring events?
> Or should life be seen in a deterministic sense?
> Where what happens is most likely, and does this intend
> to say the chance of your living is one minus your end?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The chance of your living's one minus your end,
} Unless the great Oracle you tend to offend
} In which case the chances are just about nil
} You owe me a grovel, and a case of Advil.


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