} LOOK AT THIS STUDIO FILLED WITH FABULOUS PRIZES, JUST WAITING TO BE WON
} BY THE LUCKY CONTESTANTS IN AMERICA'S FIFTH FAVORITE <ZOT!> YEOUCH!!!
} ERR... SECOND FAVORITE <ZOT-ZOT!> I MEAN, AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAME SHOW,
} STUMP THE ORACLE!!!
} [The camera pans across a wide display of expensive prizes, all of
} which are coated thickly with dust, as nothing has ever been won from
} the show. Alex Trabek appears with a microphone in his hand, and
} stands next to the Oracle, who is seated in a position of honor (with
} Lisa lying across his lap). Across the stage from them are three
} contestants, and behind them are the live studio audience.]
} Alex: Welcome to "Stump the Oracle". Now, let's meet our three lucky
} contestants. Bill, Doug, and Luanne. Bill, it says here that you
} hold three doctorate degrees from Princeton?
} Bill: That is correct, Alex. And another from Cape Cod Community
} College in Oracular Queries. In addition, I have a dental cert--
} Alex: Thank you, Bill. Doug, it says here that you currently have no
} job. Would you care to elaborate on that?
} Doug: Certainly, Alex. It just so happens that I am independently
} wealthy and can do whatever I want, so instead of working I am
} devoting my life to memorizing obscure trivia from library reference
} Alex: Well, good for you. Now, Luanne, I remember you from my other
} show, "Jeopardy", where you were our all-time winner. I understand
} that you also hold the world record for asking the most consecutive
} number of questions.
} Luanne: How did you find that out, Alex?
} Alex: And, of course, there is no need to introduce the entity sitting
} next to me: hailing from Delphi and Parnasus, the Great USENET
} Oracle. Now, you are all aware of the rules, right? You will all
} submit a question, accompanied by an acceptable grovel, and if the
} Oracle is unable to answer correctly, you win!
} Luanne: What happens if he does answer the question?
} Oracle: Then you lose... big time. You owe the Oracle a double grovel
} next time.
} Alex: Bill, you're up first.
} Bill: All right... Oh Mighty Oracle, whose walrus is coated with gold,
} whose bathtub has rings far-surpassing those of Saturn, whose belly-
} button is filled to standing-room capacity... What is the sound of
} one hand clapping?
} Oracle: [Produces a small tape recorder and presses the play button.]
} Tape: Left hand: Cla-- Cla-- Cla-- Right hand: --ap, --ap, --ap...
} Oracle: You owe the Oracle all of your diplomas.
} Alex: Oh, I'm sorry, Bill, but we have some nice concellation gifts for
} you back in the Green Room. Now, Doug, what is your question?
} Doug: Powerful Oracle, who can calculate pi to the last decimal point,
} who can count the atoms of the universe, and who can name the
} farthest stars in the sky... Can you come up with a question so
} arcane and meaningless that even you can not answer it?
} Oracle: Hmmm... Yes, as a matter of fact, I can: Who, what, when, why,
} and for how long was Jean Kirkpatrik? You owe the Oracle all of
} your money. Now go out and get a job, you bum!
} Alex: Ouch! Sorry about that, Doug, but you won't leave the show
} totally empty-handed. You will receive a lifetime supply of Rice-a-
} Roni, the San Francisco Treat, and a case of Tums. Now, Luanne,
} you are the only one left. Are you ready to stump the Oracle?
} Luanne: Does the Pope wear a yarmulke? Does Cecil Fielder spit? Has--
} Alex: Right. What is your question?
} Luanne: Mighty Oracle, whose brain is overflowing with abundant
} knowledge, who, what, when, why, and for how long was Jean
} Oracle: Oooo... Ummmmm... Well... Hey, wait a minute, that wasn't a
} double-grovel! <ZOT!>
} Alex: Oh, I'm sorry, it looks like you've been reduced to a pile of
} smoking ash... Well, that's all the time we have for today; tune in
} tomorrow for another exciting episode of "Stump the Oracle"!!!
} Oracle: Come on, Lisa, let's go for Chinese.
} Lisa: But Orrie, what was the answer to that last question?
} Oracle: Lisa, dearest, there are some questions out there that even I
} was not meant to answer.
} You owe the Oracle a version of the "Stump the Oracle" home game.