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Internet Oracularities #41

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41, 41-01, 41-02, 41-03, 41-04, 41-05, 41-06, 41-07, 41-08, 41-09, 41-10


Usenet Oracularities #41    (offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 1 Nov 89 13:59:29 GMT

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41-01    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is this xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx.edu that's propositioning all these people
> here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx.edu!  I am the best lover in North America!  I am
} such a stud that Alice Toklas herself likes the way I screw, and that's
} a pretty damn good recommendation since she's gay!  I've satisfied as
} many as sixteen wenches at one time, and 350 of them in one night, and
} they all came back for more!  I've got an eleven-incher three inches in
} diameter, and it stays up all night!  I am the biggest, strongest, best
} lover on this whole planet, baby!  Why, Jane Fonda took one look at the
} bulge in my pants and, man, she was all over me!  She could not fucking
} take her hands off of me!  What a night!  And then there's the time that
} Princess Diana saw me!  Whee-oo!  I promised not to tell anything about
} that one, but I did things for her that no man has done before or since
} -- and she screws *royalty*.  I am such a stud!
}
} You owe the oracle half a chance...


41-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get Lisa to have sex with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} YOU DARE ASK ME, THE USENET ORACLE OF WHOM THE NET.SEX.GODDESS LISA HAS
} BEEN BETROTHED TO AS UNSCATHED, PURE, AND CLEAN FROM THE TOUCH OF MERE
} MORTALS!!?....YOU ARE BANISHED TO UTTER DEPTHS OF NET.HELL TO APOLOGIZE
} TO EACH AND EVERY FLAME GENERATED FROM NOW UNTIL ETERNITY...unless...of
} course ...you can tell me...please...how I can have sex with
} her...please...sir...
}
} The Usenet Oracle demands...asks...no, begs for the book entitled
} _One-Hundred One Positions for You, Your Net.Sex.Goddess, and a Small
} Mammal_


41-03    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it proper to consider fungi as my primary sexual objects?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Several states have laws banning fungilingus. :)


41-04    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is Lisa now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Lisa is currently in a small rubber room recovering from the
} party in which she remembers only a football team and farm animals.


41-05    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> LISA <
> LIST
> MIST
> MUST <
> MOST
> POST <
> PAST
> PASS
> LASS
> LOSS
> LOTS <
>
> So LISA MUST POST LOTS.  Why doesn't she?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually she does.  Here are some articles she posted:
}
} "For a good time, call Lisa - 555-9876."
}
} "Lisa's Phone Sex....  (We accept MC, Visa) ...  We give great phone!
}  Make 1 call, get 1 free!  Call 1-800-555-LISA!"
}
} "Mistress Lisa's House of Pain!  Only $200 for 30 mins!  If you think
}  you're tied up with too many things right now, wait till you visit
}  Lisa!"
}
} You just haven't been reading the right newsgroups, that's all.


41-06    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I a slug from Hell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OF COURSE you are, you EVIL devil-worshipping Satanic CULTIST!
} Your kind makes me SICK! AAAIIIYYYEEEE!!!! Your lecherous, lustful,
} lewd, lascivious, libidinous, licentious, libertine depravity
} just OFFENDS the BEJEZUS out of the God-fearing, moral, Christian,
} good people of these United States! Go back to the DUNGEONS of
} BEELZEBUB where there is WEEPING and WAILING and GNASHING OF TEETH,
} and be CONDEMNED to the EVERLASTING FIRES of SULFUR and BRIMSTONE!!!!!
}
} And now, for those of you kind folks in my flock who BELIEVE in
} JESUS and wish to be SAVED on judgement day, please send $200
} in contributions to:
}
} Jim and Tammy Ministries
} Cell No. 2351A
} Maximum Security Federal Prison
} Talladega, Alabama 35429.


41-07    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pontius Pilate said you're Lit's gigolo.  Do I trust him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm relieved that the truth has finally come out but am surprised that
} you know my little stud-muffin Roman, Pontius.  He used to say, "Oh
} great Oracle, what would you do for $20 in gold?" And I'd say, "Anything
} you want, you big Roman stud, you!" So Lit, Pontius, and lord knows how
} many other Romans would have their way with the Oracle while I squirmed
} and squealed with delight (Oracles don't get the opporunity for kinky
} sex all that often).  I still perform unimaginable sex acts for those
} that ask and can come up with the really big bucks I charge now.


41-08    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I do not know how this happened, but I just got a new VMS operating
> system manual and it contained a complete sexual biography of me.  I
> mean, complete -- ever time I've ever been fondled in the halls of
> highschool, or kissed a guy at the end of a date.  Why did they include
> it?  And especially what the hell is it doing under "Interpreting Error
> Messages?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah baby! I read it too.  You'll find my address in the message header.
} ooh wow!
}
} (Incidentally, the manual is the best place to put such confidential
}  matter, because nobody RTFMs nowadays.)
}
} PS. It's under "Error messages" because you weren't doing it with the
}     Oracle.


41-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I calm down when I drive?  I'm always strung out and tend to
> have a lead foot.
>          -Homicidal on the Highway

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, you should be aware that it is a bad idea to drive when strung
} out.  Your lover(s) may not be willing to untie your arms and legs when
} it is necessary to turn, especially when someone is close to orgasm.  (I
} assume that you have found a good way to fit your bondage equipment in
} your rather tiny car -- but have you considered the difficulties of
} removing it quickly when the police pull you over?)
}
} Second, a lead foot is generally a bad thing.  Artificial limbs have
} been improved drastically in the last several centuries.  I, personally,
} recommend that you buy a magnesium foot; although it is flammible, it is
} considerably lighter than a lead one.  I recommend this mainly because I
} own stock in the leading manufacturer of magnesium feet.


41-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don't laugh or reply "some would kill for your problem..." oracle.
> My girlfriend wants to have sex several times a day and I just can't
> handle it.  What does one do when one's nymphomaniac S.O. becomes too
> demanding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This sure could be a sticky problem.  The answer depends on the reason
} you cannot handle it.  Is it because;
}         1> You just can't get it up that many times a day, or
}         2> You can't spend that much time with her (work etc).
}
} If 1, then I would suggest the occasional use of oral sex.  This is one
} solution that is better not used "tongue in cheek".
}
} If 2, then it may be worth your while to invest in a vibrator.  I
} believe that there are shops in your area that allow the manufacture of
} _custom built_ models.  But, don't bring her along as she may try to get
} one made that can out-do you.  If this is the solution for you, then I
} also suggest that you buy shares in some battery company.
}
} If all of this fails, then give me a call and I will help out when your
} at work :-)~


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