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Internet Oracularities #410

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410, 410-01, 410-02, 410-03, 410-04, 410-05, 410-06, 410-07, 410-08, 410-09, 410-10


Usenet Oracularities #410    (23 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 16 Feb 92 12:15:41 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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410   23 votes 49640 07a42 12a73 14783 36752 04a81 09851 02a92 38930 14675
410   3.1 mean  2.4   3.0   3.4   3.3   2.9   3.3   2.9   3.5   2.5   3.5


410-01    (49640 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh Oracle who is even cooler than Mr Spock, what is the
> present stardate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well MY current star date is Greta Scacci.
}
} You owe the Oracle William Shatner's toupee.


410-02    (07a42 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: ORACLE
>
> Oh great and mighty Oracle, dispenser of slack, please, I beg of you,
> help me, your miserable, worthless supplicant, who is unfit to clean
> your mighty toejam with her tongue.
>
> I, alas, have a rather large hole in my head, which I can neither see
> nor feel but is obvious to everyone else.  This unfortunate condition
> causes me to volunteer to do difficult things, like run medieval events
> and be a guildmistress for a thankless guild.  I'm even pondering
> taking on three research projects, and I won't be graded or paid for
> any of them.
>
> Is there a cure?  Can I ever become a normal person?  Can I get my life
> back?  Oh magnificent Oracle, please answer my plea!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ah, you are a fine groveller!  I miss good grovellers like you.
} I remember when everyone grovelled this well.  But, now, I'm lucky if
} people even do a half-assed job of grovelling.  It's enough to make an
} Oracle get mad and <ZOT> a few thousand worthless humans! . . .  Ahem,
} but back to your question.
}
}       You are afflicted with a serious condition, indeed.  It's a shame
} that such a fine groveller as yourself has this debilitating handicap.
} Your condition is what is known as "sappeous grandeous", or more
} commonly refered to as "being too damn nice".  This illness, which is
} fairly rare in humans, almost inevitably ruins the life of the victim.
} See, the normal human is an immoral, conceited, self-serving, uncaring
} bastard, who would do just about anything to get ahead, and who is
} always willing to take advantage of some poor person afflicted with
} "sappeous grandeous".  Those with illnesses like yourself, lack certain
} key chemicals in your DNA which makes normal humans the way that they
} are.  Consequently, this disease is hereditary, and you inherited it
} from one or both of your parents.  Most people affected by this tragic
} illness lead horid lives, and die miserable.  However, I am happy to
} tell you that there IS a cure!  It is not known to many humans, and I'm
} only sharing it with you, because you're such a fine groveller. You
} will need to become a lawyer.  That's right, a LAWYER.  I realize that
} it's a disgusting thought, but it's the only alternative.  See, lawyers
} are the perfect example of the ultimate normal human.  If you can
} defend sickos, psychos, murderers, rapists, druggies, and other
} assorted human vermin, then you will soon overcome your sickness of
} "being too damn nice". It's a harsh treatment, I know, but
} unfortunately, it's the only treatment which works.  The treatment has
} a 99.9584% success rate (believe it or not, there actually ARE a few
} lawyers out there who AREN'T uncaring bastards; but, don't worry, they
} are VERY rare).  So, my advice to you, my humble supplicant, is go to
} law school now, and become a lawyer.  This is the only way to become a
} normal human once again.  Good luck!
}
} You owe the Oracle one good reason for wanting to BE a normal human.


410-03    (12a73 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Mighty and Exalted Oracle, in whose precious body odor I am not
> worthy to bask, and even whose instestinal gaseous discharges I am
> not worthy to inhale, O Most Way Cool Oracle whose wisdom exceeds that
> of even Dan Quayle, please answer my question:
>
> When you drink coffee, where does the brown go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Criminy, Lisa, will you look at this twisted grovelling?  I swear,
} these supplicants get weirder all the ... huh?  You say we're on the
} air?  NOW? The mike's live?  Oh <bleeep>.
}
} *cough*  Ah yes, my mildly deranged querent, I see you have observed a
} puzzling fact: a brown liquid, when consumed by mortals, emerges soon
} thereafter with a somewhat different color.  You have correctly deduced
} that something must have happened to the brown component between the
} input and the output phases, and you wonder what that might be.
}
} The solution to your mystery is really quite simple; it's in the
} protocols. What protocol, you say?  Why, TCP (Transfer of Caffeine
} Protocol), of course!  The RFC (Request for Coffee) specifies that the
} brown be stripped off and discarded by the host after processing.  When
} large enough chunks of brown accumulate in the host's buffers, they are
} flushed through an alternate channel.  Retransmission of the remainder
} is specified in the RFC for the IP (self-explanatory) protocol.
}
} See how simple it is?  Next time, RTFM before asking, or <ZOT>.
} Kapish?
}
} You owe the Oracle a kilo of decent Viennese coffee, and a Melita
} brewer.


410-04    (14783 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle whose sageful eyes
> Doth grace the land, the sea, the skies
> Whose omniscience forever glows
> Who never needs to use No-Doz
>
> Please hear this mortal's tiny plea
> And if it please thee, answer me
> I beg thee not my limbs to sever
> Will the universe expand forever?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The astronomer who looks up at night
} Once again faced with the cosmologist's plight.
} His mind to ponder again, perhaps,
} Will it go on, or will it collapse?
}
} The constant state theory we can ignore.
} It doesn't work well, and we need more.
} The galaxies rushing away from each other,
} Like a child that must leave the arms of its mother.
}
} The key to it all lies somewhere between
} Undiscovered mass that cannot be seen.
} Black holes, free planets, and interstellar dust,
} To collapse the existance of this mass is a must.
}
} Right now, things are looking quite grim.
} A heat death of all seems to be Nature's whim.
} The critial density has yet to be met,
} Expanding forever would be this Oracle's bet.
}
} This is the way the world ends
} This is the way the world ends
} This is the way the world ends
} Not with a bang but a whimper.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reserved table at Millyways, the Restaurant at the
} End of the Universe.
}
} (with apologies to T.S. Eliot-- rgm)


410-05    (36752 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the Sun so happy in the morning ?
> / when it wake up in the East /

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it is far away from California.
} / when it riseth in the East /
}
} You owe the Oracle 501 English verbs conjugated.  Correctly.


410-06    (04a81 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orkie!  How dare you!  You forgot me on Valentine's Day again!  How
> could you forget me, Lisa, the net.sex.goddess on Valentine's Day?!
> You bastard!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sir or Madam,
}
} I regret to inform you that you are operating under delusions of
} Lisahood. I spent an exponentially romantic & divinely passionate
} Valentine's Day with the winsome & delightful Lisa, performing feats of
} sexual geometry that required 7 spacial dimensions and devasted a small
} galaxy.  You are either a vile & impious imposter, or a psycho-deviant
} schizophrenic.  In any case--
}
} Um, wait a sec, there is a third possibility: You may a second
} manifestation of Lisa!  In fact, there is no good reason why there
} shouldn't be infinitely many manifestations of Lisa, all of them
} equally devoted and equally demanding of the Oracle's time & energy.
}
} <Gulp>
}
} Let's just assume that you're a sicko, and leave it that, okay?


410-07    (09851 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, most munificent, benevolent, tubular, and generally awesome
>       Oracle, *PLEASE* deign to tell me:
>
>       I have recently been told to "blow it out my ass".  As a recent
>       arrival from the planet Zorpztxh, I find this confusing.  Is this
>       idiom politically correct?  Does it properly respect my
>       beinghood? What does it mean?  As I to respond politely or should
>       I respond with the time-honored and multi-use Terran demand that
>       they "go and have sex with themselves"?  I realize this is many
>       questions, but please take pity on my recently-immigrated and
>       still slightly smelly self.
>
>       Obsequiously,
>
>       Rthspelkct Smfthlprsthip

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Rthspelkct:
}
}   May I call you Rth?  It is easier to pronounce on our planet.
}   In response to your questions:
} 1.  No, yet yes.  This is one of the puzzling issues which may
}     ultimately only be determined by hindsight.
} 2.  It may only properly respect your beinghood depending on your
}     being. As the Oracle is unfamiliar with the anatomy of Zorpztxhians,
}     the Oracle cannot say for certain.
} 3.  "Blow it out your ass" means that consent or approval of yourself
}     or for a concept you have promoted has been measured and found
}     wanting by the party which has spoken the expression.
} 4.  You may respond with politeness if you wish.  A generally
}     considered appropriate reply is made with the same vigor and emotion
}     as was used by the speaker to whom you are replying.  An Earth
}     proverb refers to this as "fighting fire with fire".
}   In general, if you feel content with your being, form, and carbon
} content, there is no reason why you shouldn't have a long and successful
} life on the planet Earth.  The Oracle feels one can speak for all beings
} on the planet in welcoming you to our eternally interesting and
} near-infinitely variagated world.  The Oracle would also like to remind
} alien visitors that, for the safety of both visitors and natives to
} Earth, all Earth beings are armed with a large variety of high-impact
} explosives, for the deterrence of hostile creatures, which, in the
} Oracle's all-seeing wisdom, you most certainly are not.
}   Thank you for visiting, and enjoy the planet Earth.
}
} You owe the Oracle an up-to-date Michelin guide.


410-08    (02a92 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh Oracle most wise...what is the significance of the various
> colors of M&Ms? Why did they recently re-introduce the red M&M? Will I
> ever see a blue M&M? I await the thunderstorm of your wisdom....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is agreed throughout the scholarly community that green M&Ms cause
} horniness, and that red M&Ms cause cancer.  Sucropsychologists are less
} unanimous with respect to other colors, but current data suggest the
} following:
}
}  Color       Consequence
} -------      -----------
} Yellow       constipation
} Orange       hair loss
} Brown        republicanism
}
} Dr. Oscar Murtaugh of the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine has
} developed a theory which preports to account for these observations by
} a complicated biochemical mechanism based on the interactions of
} several enzymes, varying levels of vitamin A, and a pinch of oregano.
} Although his theory has been dismissed by leading scientists as "about
} as valuable as pig's vomit," it offers the only available predictions
} as to the psycho-physiological effects of theoretical colors of M&Ms:
}
}  Color       Consequence
} -------      -----------
} Blue         immortality(*)
} Purple       transvestitism
} White        emigration
}
} (*) A purely theoretical result.  It is a simple consequence of recent
} advances in particle physics that blue M&Ms are impossible.
}
} You owe the Oracle a big bag of red M&Ms with almonds.


410-09    (38930 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We are dead, We are
>     Not here
> If we were here we'd
>     Be here
> That's what someone said, but we're not
>     We're dead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course the fact, that you
}     Are dead
} Is really no protection.  Nor can
}     The distance
} From you and I, save you from
}     Bisection.
}
} It's not the fact, that you
}     Are dead,
} That keeps you from your answer.
}     Yet it is
} The fact that you groveleth not
}     That gets you a <Z0T>


410-10    (14675 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sung to the tune of "row, row, row your boat"
>
> Beg, beg, beg, the oracle
> please won't you tell me
> How many water molecules
> Are in the seven seas?
>
> Sung to the tune of "my bonnie lies over the ocean"
>
> My oracle is ever-powerful
> My oracle is so darn huge
> My oracle is most omniscient
> So why won't the oracle tell me...
>
> Oh tell me,
> tell me,
> Tell me, Oracle,
> Won't you, please?
>
> Tell me,
> oh tell me,
> How much water in the seven seas?
>
> Sung to the tune of "she'll be comin' round the mountain"
>
> Oh, it's omniscient and O so huge
> Oh it's omniscient and it is oh so huge
> The oracle's omniscient,
> yes, the oracle's so omniscient
> It'll answer my questions very soon
>
> It'll answer my questions if I beg
> Oh, it'll answer my questions if I beg
> It'll answer my dumb questions
> It'll answer my dumb questions
> It'll answer my dumb questions if I beg
>
> How much water in the sea?
> Oh, how much water's in the sea?
> Oh, won't you kindly tell me,
> yes, won't you kindly tell me,
> How much water's in the sea?
>
> Sung to the tune of "Three Blind Mice"
>
> Or-a-cle
> Or-a-cle
>
> How great you are
> How great you are
>
> Oh, Oracle, won't you tell me please?
> How many waters in the seven seas?
> I've begging you oh master of sleaze,
>
> Or-a-cle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To Janis Joplin's "Mercedes Benz Song":
}
}     O Lord, Woncha buy me, a cabal that does work
}     My servants are feckless, every one's a jerk
}     They won't fight in flamewars, all they do is lurk
}     O Lord, woncha buy me, slaves that do my work.
}
}     O Lord, woncha buy me, a supplicant who begs
}     It pleases my ego, it puts me up two pegs,
}     The ones I've had lately have all been the dregs
}     O Lord! woncha buy me, a supplicant who begs
}
}     O Lord, woncha buy me, an Omnignosticum
}     My clients think I'm worthless, sometimes even dumb!
}     I sit here on my backside and let my cheeks get numb
}     Just because I don't have an Omnignosticum
}
}     (everybody!)
}
}     O Lord, Woncha buy me, a cabal that does work
}     My servants are feckless, every one's a jerk
}     They won't fight in flamewars, all they do is lurk
}     O Lord, woncha buy me, slaves that do my work.
}
} To the tune of "A Blacksmith Courted Me"
}
}     O a freshmen courted me
}     Nine month and better
}     He fairly won my darts
}     With his stupid letters
}     With his keyboard in his lap
}     He looked quite nerdly
}     And if I were his TA,
}     I would answer curtly.
}
}     "O what did you promise free
}      when you stood astride me?
}      You said you'd answer well
}      And not deride me."
}     "If I'd said I'd answer you
}      'Twas only for to tease you
}      For you are a newbie child
}      And beneath my purview."
}
}     "I have asked about the Seas
}      And you hae not answered
}      I think You are a fake
}      An Onan-o-mancer!"
}     "If you listen carefully
}      I'll put it to you:
}      You are not worth my time
}      So I'll have to shoot you..."
}
} what a senseless waste of (sub-)human life.
}
} You owe the oracle a Rhyming dictionary containing an entry for
} "Oneiromancy".


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