} Ah, mere mortal, I have many questions to attend to, some that require
} much thought. And so I cannot visit with you to determine if you are
} indeed a "feeble and gorking husband". And who is to say if you are
} indeed one of those, I mean, besides your wife... But do not dispair,
} answer the following questions, rate yourself, and you can see just
} what kind of husband you really are.
} The Oracle's Husband Type Determination Test.
} Start off by giving yourself 5 points, get a beer (or get her to get
} you one), and proceed.
} 1. Give yourself one (1) point for each $10K of your yearly salary.
} 2. If you are unemployed, subtract one (1) point for each $20K you
} spent on your education.
} 3. Give yourself one (1) point for each night per month that you go
} out with "the boys".
} 4. Subtract one (1) point for each night when she does the same.
} 5. Award yourself points from this scale for your "connubial bliss":
} a) 30-second sex, twice a month: 0
} b) once a week, (ie 4.3 times/month), usually Sat.: 1
} c) close to national avarage: 2
} d) every second night, various rooms: 3
} 6. Award yourself points from this scale for domestic duties:
} a) you do *all* the cooking, washing, cleaning: -2
} b) forced to iron your own shirts: -1
} c) maid comes in once a week: +1
} c) bought a dishwasher, get volume discount at local laundry: +3
} 7. Award yourself points from this scale for "handyman" abilities:
} a) can identify hammer, but unsure of usage: -1
} b) took apart toaster; burns healed nicely: 0
} c) hooked up stereo without reading manual: +1
} d) built rec room with carpenter buddy's help: +2
} e) doing second valve job on '68 Camaro: +3
} 8. Award yourself the point(s) for vehicular transportation:
} a) Yugo: -1
} b) domestic, older than 3 years: 0
} c) top of line domestic, new: 1
} d) better than c) less than e): 2
} e) foreign, more than $45K: 3
} Bonus of 1 point if it's german, and you won't let her drive it.
} 9. Rate your TV/VCR viewing decision control on a scale of 1 to 10,
} divide by three, round up, add to total. Void if you watch Oprah
} or Geraldo whether you have to or not.
} 10. Award (or subtract) points as indicated in the following areas:
} a) plastic maxed out due to her shopping trips out of state: -1
} b) it bothers you that she makes more than you do: -1
} c) you make more than she does: +1
} d) you navigate, she drives, on long trips: -1
} e) she knows more about football than you do: -2
} f) you know more about curtains and drapes than she does: -2
} g) she weighs more than you do: -1
} Rate yourself according to the following scale:
} >=24: a spousal demi-god
} 20-23: would be considered very eligible if single
} 16-19: average, nice, loving (perhaps hard-working) husband,
} 12-15: small amount of work could make you a productive member of
} this relationship
} 8-11: pants-wearing determined by arm-wrestling match at breakfast
} 4-7: hen-pecked and not in control
} 0-3: feeble and gorking (and still married?)
} You owe the Oracle the results of this test. Don't worry, I'll wait
} 'til you've vacuumed the carpet...