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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh Oracle (enough groveling...), if you know everything in this >   world, then tell me : How can Macintosh sell things, when all they do >   i nothing but crap and just crap?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a RIDICULOUS question!!  I know you mortals don't think things } through, but come on. } } How did David Duke get into politics? } Who publishes the National Enquirer? } How did Dan Quayle become Vice President? } How did the Ford Pinto get released on the market? } Who invented Marshmallow Fluff? } Where does Cher get her outfits? } How did Dolly Parton get her... ah.. hair? } How did Hostess figure out the shelf life of Twinkies? } What happened to the Edsel? } Where did they get those artificial onion rings that disintegrate if } you step on them? } Who came up with non-alcoholic beer? } What happened to Zsa Zsa's REAL face? } How did the movie "Blood Sucking Freaks" ever get made? } } I could go on... } The simple fact is, mortals have always been prone to creating crap. } However, the only thing worse than creating crap is paying money for } it. Get the point? } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to the National Enquirer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come everyone in New York City just turned female and > cannibalistic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We take you now to the trial of serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer. } } Attorney:  And after you coated the bodies with a white wine and Dijon } sauce, what did you do? } } Dahmer:  Well, usually I would spit them, roast them on the grill, and } serve with a lightly chilled Jello creation. } } [Shocked gasps and exclamations of horror are heard] } } Attorney:  Do you mean to say, Mr. Dahmer, that you did not first } marinate for fifteen minutes?!?! } } Dahmer:  I... I'm sorry, it's because I fell off the slide in second } grade. } } Attorney:  Your honor, this man is obviously insane. I have no more } questions. } } Prosecutor:  Mr. Dahmer, isn't it true that you were often seen buying } women's underwear in Macy's? } } Dahmer:  Well, I, um... } } Prosecutor:  Yes or no, Mr. Dahmer. } } Dahmer:  Yes! Yes! I did buy women's underwear from Macy's! And } lingerie from Frederick's of Hollywood! And flannel shirts from Eddie } Bauer! } } Prosecutor:  And would you say, Mr. Dahmer, that you knew exactly what } you were doing? } } Dahmer:  Yes, I would. I... I wanted to be a woman! } } Prosecutor:  Your honor, this man is obviously a cold, calculating } serial killer and purchaser of clothing from outlet stores. I recommend } he be made Vice-President. } } Dahmer:  No! Anything but that! } } And now, over to New York for reactions. } } Man on street:  Ya know, I kindah' admiah dis guy. I tink I'll go get a } sex change operation and become a female cannibal. } } Two days later, everyone in New York had done the same thing. And } there's your answer. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves", "How to Cook a } Mean Tuna Casserole", and a leg. } } Of lamb, that is.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr Oracle!  Mr. Oracle!  I need a lot of help Mr. Oracle, and you're > pretty smart, and know all kinds of stuff, and could probably really > help me out, cuz I don't really know what to do and I got a real > problem, so here goes... > > Jimmy's got this little sister who's a real sissy.  She always follows > me around and blows kisses at me and icky stuff like that.  I told it > to quit it cuz it was icky, but she won't stop, and Jimmy thinks its > real funny, and all the guys are startin' to talk about us gettin' > married and stuff like that. I asked mommy what to do, but she said I > gotta be nice to Jimmy's little sister cuz she's a girl, and someday > I'll understand, and their mommy had that accident with the salad > shooter a couple years back.  Well I don't care. I'm not giving my > allowance up for anybody.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Bobby, you've asked the question that men have been asking } themselves for millions of years. And do you know something? Not a } single one of 'em has come up with the right answer yet -- because not } one of 'em thought to come and ask me what to do. } } Obviously, you DON'T have to give your allowance up for anybody; why, } it's perfectly easy to be nice to a girl, keep your money, and be macho } all at the same time! So, here are some ideas for dealing with Jimmy's } sister: } }       1) Tell her that you need to spend time hanging out with the }          boys. If she loves you, she'll understand, and she won't mind }          a bit waiting out behind the schoolhouse for hours and hours }          until you come back. } }       2) Let her do things for you -- carry your books, for example. }          Remember that Encyclopedia Brittanica your parents bought you }          last year? Let her haul those things around the blocks a few }          times. } }       3) Give her little presents that are tokens of your esteem. You }          don't have to spend money to find appropriate gifts; worms are }          cheap; so are slugs, grubs, dead fish and bird droppings. }          She'll treasure them for a lifetime. } }       4) A boot to the head is always nice.. } } "Hi, Orrie! Whatcha doing?" } } "Uh, nothing, Lisa, just answering a few supplicants' questions..." } } "'slugs, grubs, dead fish and BIRD DROPPINGS'?!? ORRIE!!! I THOUGHT }  THAT WAS GOING TO BE OUR LITTLE SECRET!!!" } } "Aw, come on, Lisa... I'll edit it out in a minute. In the mean time, }  look! Here's a dead eel..." } } "Ohhhh, ORRIE! Can I play with it?" } } You owe the Oracle the meat truck from "The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, } and Her Lover".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and magnificent Oracle, upon whose phlegm I would not be > worthy to nibble, and whose massively wonderful graciousness is seen > and remarked upon by people of high quality everywhere, please > answer my question. > > Should I vote for someone who wants to take all my money and > give it to the poor people, or someone who wants to take all my > money and give it to the rich people?  And is it better to elect > an idiot who is running, an idiot who is not running, or someone who > is running from an idiot? > >                           -Confused in NH

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's best to get a 20-can bonus pack of Ranier Beer, a bad movie, } and butt-wasted than worry about.  Actually, go for Clinton.  Hey, } if he's screwin' the bimbo, maybe he won't be screwin' us. } } You own the Oracle a political agenda.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, most definitely.  There are four of them in Europe, two in North } America, and one in Australia.  The Australian one is by far the } biggest, but the least effective.  Two of the European ones, in } Amsterdam and Dubrovnic, are identical; some say that is by far the } best possibility. However, you should realize the possible dangers } associated with this particular pastime: serious rashes, internal } bleeding, and powerful hallucinations. } } (it's a good thing the Oracle reads American sign language, isn't it?) } } You owe the Oracle a volume control.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh inestimable Oracle, to whom the secrets of the mysteries of the > universe are as obvious as...as...as really obvious things, please tell > me: > > What does "OK" stand for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Erm, h-hello? Oh sorry, Cecil Beadymill here, um, I'm afraid Mr Oracle } isn't about at the moment. He said something about an } interdenominational deity orgy or whathaveyou, and sped off on the } hyper-dimensional photon-cycle with that very nice lady friend of His. } He did leave me a note though, I've got it here somewhere if you hang } on a minnit..... } } ! Cecil: } ! } ! don't forget to turn the lights off when you've finished sweeping up, } ! and for once *MAKE SURE* you dust off the terminal properly. You can } ! be replaced by a very stupid robot you know. } ! } ! And leave the videotapes alone this time, they're not meant for view- } ! ing by your subservient eyes. Don't try to deny it, as an Omnipotent } ! Deity I'm fully aware of what you get up to while you're supposed to } ! be cleaning. I'm giving you one last chance and then it's <ZOT> time } ! for you. Remember, the Oracle Knows. } !                                                 O. } } Oh dear. I b-better be going I think, I've got a VCR to turn off, sorry } I couldn't be of more help. Ehm, you owe me an excuse for why those } videotapes were moved, and the Oracle a better temper and worse memory.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, grand, exultant, imperial, all-mighty, omnipotent, invincible > Oracle, I humbly beg that you answer my question.  Why is my life so > bloody unexciting?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Everyone gets the same amount of excitement in their lives, but it is } distributed differently along their lifetimes.  Some people have a } constant stream of excitement, so they tend to ignore it.  Some people } get it in lumps; these people are the so-called "exciting" people.  And } some people get it in one big burst.  This final category is where you } fall in. } } You owe the Oracle front-row seats to see the 2.7 kilometer diameter } asteroid that crashes smack-dab into your bedroom tonight. } The Oracle has spoken.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Internationally Famous and Eminently Interviewable Oracle, > > I'm writing an article about you for "Your Computer" magazine here in > Sydney, Australia. Is there anything you'd like to say to our readers > "Down Under"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Name: Usenet Oracle } } Occupation: Divine Soothsayer and Keeper of All Knowledge } } Quote: "I've got your ZOT right here, pal! } } Age: ~15x10^9 years } } Turn-Ons: love goddesses, funny Internet addresses, felling whole }           civilizations at random } } Turn-Offs: querants who don't grovel, Priesthoods that don't include my }            wit in the digests, Robert Tilton } } Favorite Often Asked Question: "Orrie, do you want to..." er, this }                                might not be good for your }                                publication... } } Hope this helps. } } You owe the Oracle a spot on "Now it Can Be Told."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ian?  Can you hear me?  Ian?  It's your mother.  Where the hell are > you?  Ian, I know you can hear me.  Why haven't you called?  I've > been worried sick.  And none of this 'Oracle' nonsense.  Well... > I'm waiting.  I mean all of the other soothsayers mothers get calls > and an occasional card, but YOU, not even a whimper. > > IAN!?  Now I know you're out there.  Now look, I'm making dinner > this Sunday and I want you to come.  And why don't you bring that > nice Lisa girl I've heard so much about.  And that's another thing, > mister!  When did you start seeing her anyway?  I had to find out > about her from Maurine Kreskin up the street.  I mean, do you know > how embarrassing that is to find out that your son is dating from > someone else?  Like you care. > > Now, be there at six; I'm making the casserole with the potato chips > on top like you used to like.  Ian?  Dammit, boy, I know you can > hear me.  I'll expect you at six then.  And wear socks this time!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aw, heck, Lisa.  Now Mom knows.  Look, can you make it to dinner this } Sunday?...  Yeah, I know - sorry...  I thought it was too, but } the casserole with the potato chips on it - nobody but Mom knows } *that*! Oh, you mean they can hear me?  Ahem! } } THE ORACLE MUST BE APPEASED!!!  Yes, that's right, I'm Real Mad Now. } }       (I mean, c'mon, Ma - what're the other Supreme Beings gonna }       think?) } } This Foul Trick played by a mere mortal - } }       (I've got mortals grovelling to me all the time asking me }        their questions, and I think they can see this, Ma.  They }        might not think I'm cool anymore.) } } The Oracle is preparing to deliver a <Z0T> like no mortal has ever } seen! } }       (I'm sorry I didn't write, Ma - but I've got a whole priesthood }        down here to help me with my mail - I'm *really* swamped!) } } Casserole with potato chips indeed!  No mortal had best try *this* } again, or NO REPLY!  JUST <Z0T>! } }       (Yeah, Ma - we'll be there.  I really miss your casserole!) } } NOW CUT IT OUT!  You owe the Oracle extensive grovelling and a word } that rhymes with "insignia."  (There, that'll keep 'em busy!) } }       (Don't worry, Ma - just send me home with a Tupperware thing full }        of the casserole.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:   Mr Oracle > From: Agent Smythe > > Dear sir, > > It has come to our attention that you have never filed a > Federal Income Tax return, and do not possess a social > security number. > > According to our information the majority of your business > transactions take place using bartering.  You should be aware > that such transactions ARE subject to federal income tax. > > Due to the seriousness of this matter, you are directed > to present yourself at the Holtsville, NY office for examination > on Thursday, February 13, 1992.  If you fail to appear you > will be presumed guilty of fraud and subject to additional > penalties.  Please bring with you all records that you have > related to your income, not that it will help any. > >                       Very truly mine, > >                       Agent Douglas Smythe >                       Internal Revenue Service

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the Office of the Coroner.     *** CONFIDENTIAL  *** } } Report on suspected homicide # 92-02-7344 } } Name:           Smythe, Douglas (presumed) } Sex:            Indeterminate, presumed male } Age:            Indeterminate } Occupation:     Internal Revenue Agent } Cause of death: Other (see text) } } Victim presumed to be Douglas Smythe but remains not identifiable. } Identity presumed on basis of identification in wallet of deceased, } found in pile of clothing (belonging to deceased) located in front of } office computer terminal.  Only remains are piles of dust discovered } inside shoes. Analysis confirms presence of human DNA.  Cause of death } unclear. } } Investigation of office revealed: } } Diary.  Last notes dated 19 Feb 92:  "Got him at last.  Didn't show up. } Clever trick not sending demand until after appointment.  Refused to } come to office, therefore contacted him through usual channels with } request for transport to his residence.  Says to wait here, transport } coming. Don't know how ...."  Transcript ends. } } Computer terminal.  Activated, electronic mail program operating. } Clearly malfunctioning, obviously tampered with by person or persons } unknown since ludicrous message from Wastebasket folder, "Help, let me } out, it's no trick, I'm stuck in here."  No files visible.  Terminal } deactivated. } } Case closed, unsolved.  Presumed homicide, perpetrator unknown.