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29 Jul 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:48:11 GMT

Internet Oracularities #412

Goto:
412, 412-01, 412-02, 412-03, 412-04, 412-05, 412-06, 412-07, 412-08, 412-09, 412-10


Usenet Oracularities #412    (30 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 20 Feb 92 00:30:53 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   412
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

412   30 votes 3f930 36f51 27e61 67953 27a56 4d832 19d34 06h61 169b3 023eb
412   3.0 mean  2.4   2.8   2.9   2.7   3.2   2.5   3.0   3.1   3.3   4.1


412-01    (3f930 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh Oracle (enough groveling...), if you know everything in this
>   world, then tell me : How can Macintosh sell things, when all they do
>   i nothing but crap and just crap?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a RIDICULOUS question!!  I know you mortals don't think things
} through, but come on.
}
} How did David Duke get into politics?
} Who publishes the National Enquirer?
} How did Dan Quayle become Vice President?
} How did the Ford Pinto get released on the market?
} Who invented Marshmallow Fluff?
} Where does Cher get her outfits?
} How did Dolly Parton get her... ah.. hair?
} How did Hostess figure out the shelf life of Twinkies?
} What happened to the Edsel?
} Where did they get those artificial onion rings that disintegrate if
} you step on them?
} Who came up with non-alcoholic beer?
} What happened to Zsa Zsa's REAL face?
} How did the movie "Blood Sucking Freaks" ever get made?
}
} I could go on...
} The simple fact is, mortals have always been prone to creating crap.
} However, the only thing worse than creating crap is paying money for
} it. Get the point?
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to the National Enquirer.


412-02    (36f51 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come everyone in New York City just turned female and
> cannibalistic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We take you now to the trial of serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer.
}
} Attorney:  And after you coated the bodies with a white wine and Dijon
} sauce, what did you do?
}
} Dahmer:  Well, usually I would spit them, roast them on the grill, and
} serve with a lightly chilled Jello creation.
}
} [Shocked gasps and exclamations of horror are heard]
}
} Attorney:  Do you mean to say, Mr. Dahmer, that you did not first
} marinate for fifteen minutes?!?!
}
} Dahmer:  I... I'm sorry, it's because I fell off the slide in second
} grade.
}
} Attorney:  Your honor, this man is obviously insane. I have no more
} questions.
}
} Prosecutor:  Mr. Dahmer, isn't it true that you were often seen buying
} women's underwear in Macy's?
}
} Dahmer:  Well, I, um...
}
} Prosecutor:  Yes or no, Mr. Dahmer.
}
} Dahmer:  Yes! Yes! I did buy women's underwear from Macy's! And
} lingerie from Frederick's of Hollywood! And flannel shirts from Eddie
} Bauer!
}
} Prosecutor:  And would you say, Mr. Dahmer, that you knew exactly what
} you were doing?
}
} Dahmer:  Yes, I would. I... I wanted to be a woman!
}
} Prosecutor:  Your honor, this man is obviously a cold, calculating
} serial killer and purchaser of clothing from outlet stores. I recommend
} he be made Vice-President.
}
} Dahmer:  No! Anything but that!
}
} And now, over to New York for reactions.
}
} Man on street:  Ya know, I kindah' admiah dis guy. I tink I'll go get a
} sex change operation and become a female cannibal.
}
} Two days later, everyone in New York had done the same thing. And
} there's your answer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves", "How to Cook a
} Mean Tuna Casserole", and a leg.
}
} Of lamb, that is.


412-03    (27e61 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr Oracle!  Mr. Oracle!  I need a lot of help Mr. Oracle, and you're
> pretty smart, and know all kinds of stuff, and could probably really
> help me out, cuz I don't really know what to do and I got a real
> problem, so here goes...
>
> Jimmy's got this little sister who's a real sissy.  She always follows
> me around and blows kisses at me and icky stuff like that.  I told it
> to quit it cuz it was icky, but she won't stop, and Jimmy thinks its
> real funny, and all the guys are startin' to talk about us gettin'
> married and stuff like that. I asked mommy what to do, but she said I
> gotta be nice to Jimmy's little sister cuz she's a girl, and someday
> I'll understand, and their mommy had that accident with the salad
> shooter a couple years back.  Well I don't care. I'm not giving my
> allowance up for anybody.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Bobby, you've asked the question that men have been asking
} themselves for millions of years. And do you know something? Not a
} single one of 'em has come up with the right answer yet -- because not
} one of 'em thought to come and ask me what to do.
}
} Obviously, you DON'T have to give your allowance up for anybody; why,
} it's perfectly easy to be nice to a girl, keep your money, and be macho
} all at the same time! So, here are some ideas for dealing with Jimmy's
} sister:
}
}       1) Tell her that you need to spend time hanging out with the
}          boys. If she loves you, she'll understand, and she won't mind
}          a bit waiting out behind the schoolhouse for hours and hours
}          until you come back.
}
}       2) Let her do things for you -- carry your books, for example.
}          Remember that Encyclopedia Brittanica your parents bought you
}          last year? Let her haul those things around the blocks a few
}          times.
}
}       3) Give her little presents that are tokens of your esteem. You
}          don't have to spend money to find appropriate gifts; worms are
}          cheap; so are slugs, grubs, dead fish and bird droppings.
}          She'll treasure them for a lifetime.
}
}       4) A boot to the head is always nice..
}
} "Hi, Orrie! Whatcha doing?"
}
} "Uh, nothing, Lisa, just answering a few supplicants' questions..."
}
} "'slugs, grubs, dead fish and BIRD DROPPINGS'?!? ORRIE!!! I THOUGHT
}  THAT WAS GOING TO BE OUR LITTLE SECRET!!!"
}
} "Aw, come on, Lisa... I'll edit it out in a minute. In the mean time,
}  look! Here's a dead eel..."
}
} "Ohhhh, ORRIE! Can I play with it?"
}
} You owe the Oracle the meat truck from "The Cook, The Thief, His Wife,
} and Her Lover".


412-04    (67953 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and magnificent Oracle, upon whose phlegm I would not be
> worthy to nibble, and whose massively wonderful graciousness is seen
> and remarked upon by people of high quality everywhere, please
> answer my question.
>
> Should I vote for someone who wants to take all my money and
> give it to the poor people, or someone who wants to take all my
> money and give it to the rich people?  And is it better to elect
> an idiot who is running, an idiot who is not running, or someone who
> is running from an idiot?
>
>                           -Confused in NH

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's best to get a 20-can bonus pack of Ranier Beer, a bad movie,
} and butt-wasted than worry about.  Actually, go for Clinton.  Hey,
} if he's screwin' the bimbo, maybe he won't be screwin' us.
}
} You own the Oracle a political agenda.


412-05    (27a56 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, most definitely.  There are four of them in Europe, two in North
} America, and one in Australia.  The Australian one is by far the
} biggest, but the least effective.  Two of the European ones, in
} Amsterdam and Dubrovnic, are identical; some say that is by far the
} best possibility. However, you should realize the possible dangers
} associated with this particular pastime: serious rashes, internal
} bleeding, and powerful hallucinations.
}
} (it's a good thing the Oracle reads American sign language, isn't it?)
}
} You owe the Oracle a volume control.


412-06    (4d832 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh inestimable Oracle, to whom the secrets of the mysteries of the
> universe are as obvious as...as...as really obvious things, please tell
> me:
>
> What does "OK" stand for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Erm, h-hello? Oh sorry, Cecil Beadymill here, um, I'm afraid Mr Oracle
} isn't about at the moment. He said something about an
} interdenominational deity orgy or whathaveyou, and sped off on the
} hyper-dimensional photon-cycle with that very nice lady friend of His.
} He did leave me a note though, I've got it here somewhere if you hang
} on a minnit.....
}
} ! Cecil:
} !
} ! don't forget to turn the lights off when you've finished sweeping up,
} ! and for once *MAKE SURE* you dust off the terminal properly. You can
} ! be replaced by a very stupid robot you know.
} !
} ! And leave the videotapes alone this time, they're not meant for view-
} ! ing by your subservient eyes. Don't try to deny it, as an Omnipotent
} ! Deity I'm fully aware of what you get up to while you're supposed to
} ! be cleaning. I'm giving you one last chance and then it's <ZOT> time
} ! for you. Remember, the Oracle Knows.
} !                                                 O.
}
} Oh dear. I b-better be going I think, I've got a VCR to turn off, sorry
} I couldn't be of more help. Ehm, you owe me an excuse for why those
} videotapes were moved, and the Oracle a better temper and worse memory.


412-07    (19d34 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, grand, exultant, imperial, all-mighty, omnipotent, invincible
> Oracle, I humbly beg that you answer my question.  Why is my life so
> bloody unexciting?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Everyone gets the same amount of excitement in their lives, but it is
} distributed differently along their lifetimes.  Some people have a
} constant stream of excitement, so they tend to ignore it.  Some people
} get it in lumps; these people are the so-called "exciting" people.  And
} some people get it in one big burst.  This final category is where you
} fall in.
}
} You owe the Oracle front-row seats to see the 2.7 kilometer diameter
} asteroid that crashes smack-dab into your bedroom tonight.
} The Oracle has spoken.


412-08    (06h61 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Internationally Famous and Eminently Interviewable Oracle,
>
> I'm writing an article about you for "Your Computer" magazine here in
> Sydney, Australia. Is there anything you'd like to say to our readers
> "Down Under"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Name: Usenet Oracle
}
} Occupation: Divine Soothsayer and Keeper of All Knowledge
}
} Quote: "I've got your ZOT right here, pal!
}
} Age: ~15x10^9 years
}
} Turn-Ons: love goddesses, funny Internet addresses, felling whole
}           civilizations at random
}
} Turn-Offs: querants who don't grovel, Priesthoods that don't include my
}            wit in the digests, Robert Tilton
}
} Favorite Often Asked Question: "Orrie, do you want to..." er, this
}                                might not be good for your
}                                publication...
}
} Hope this helps.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spot on "Now it Can Be Told."


412-09    (169b3 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ian?  Can you hear me?  Ian?  It's your mother.  Where the hell are
> you?  Ian, I know you can hear me.  Why haven't you called?  I've
> been worried sick.  And none of this 'Oracle' nonsense.  Well...
> I'm waiting.  I mean all of the other soothsayers mothers get calls
> and an occasional card, but YOU, not even a whimper.
>
> IAN!?  Now I know you're out there.  Now look, I'm making dinner
> this Sunday and I want you to come.  And why don't you bring that
> nice Lisa girl I've heard so much about.  And that's another thing,
> mister!  When did you start seeing her anyway?  I had to find out
> about her from Maurine Kreskin up the street.  I mean, do you know
> how embarrassing that is to find out that your son is dating from
> someone else?  Like you care.
>
> Now, be there at six; I'm making the casserole with the potato chips
> on top like you used to like.  Ian?  Dammit, boy, I know you can
> hear me.  I'll expect you at six then.  And wear socks this time!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aw, heck, Lisa.  Now Mom knows.  Look, can you make it to dinner this
} Sunday?...  Yeah, I know - sorry...  I thought it was too, but
} the casserole with the potato chips on it - nobody but Mom knows
} *that*! Oh, you mean they can hear me?  Ahem!
}
} THE ORACLE MUST BE APPEASED!!!  Yes, that's right, I'm Real Mad Now.
}
}       (I mean, c'mon, Ma - what're the other Supreme Beings gonna
}       think?)
}
} This Foul Trick played by a mere mortal -
}
}       (I've got mortals grovelling to me all the time asking me
}        their questions, and I think they can see this, Ma.  They
}        might not think I'm cool anymore.)
}
} The Oracle is preparing to deliver a <Z0T> like no mortal has ever
} seen!
}
}       (I'm sorry I didn't write, Ma - but I've got a whole priesthood
}        down here to help me with my mail - I'm *really* swamped!)
}
} Casserole with potato chips indeed!  No mortal had best try *this*
} again, or NO REPLY!  JUST <Z0T>!
}
}       (Yeah, Ma - we'll be there.  I really miss your casserole!)
}
} NOW CUT IT OUT!  You owe the Oracle extensive grovelling and a word
} that rhymes with "insignia."  (There, that'll keep 'em busy!)
}
}       (Don't worry, Ma - just send me home with a Tupperware thing full
}        of the casserole.)


412-10    (023eb dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:   Mr Oracle
> From: Agent Smythe
>
> Dear sir,
>
> It has come to our attention that you have never filed a
> Federal Income Tax return, and do not possess a social
> security number.
>
> According to our information the majority of your business
> transactions take place using bartering.  You should be aware
> that such transactions ARE subject to federal income tax.
>
> Due to the seriousness of this matter, you are directed
> to present yourself at the Holtsville, NY office for examination
> on Thursday, February 13, 1992.  If you fail to appear you
> will be presumed guilty of fraud and subject to additional
> penalties.  Please bring with you all records that you have
> related to your income, not that it will help any.
>
>                       Very truly mine,
>
>                       Agent Douglas Smythe
>                       Internal Revenue Service

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the Office of the Coroner.     *** CONFIDENTIAL  ***
}
} Report on suspected homicide # 92-02-7344
}
} Name:           Smythe, Douglas (presumed)
} Sex:            Indeterminate, presumed male
} Age:            Indeterminate
} Occupation:     Internal Revenue Agent
} Cause of death: Other (see text)
}
} Victim presumed to be Douglas Smythe but remains not identifiable.
} Identity presumed on basis of identification in wallet of deceased,
} found in pile of clothing (belonging to deceased) located in front of
} office computer terminal.  Only remains are piles of dust discovered
} inside shoes. Analysis confirms presence of human DNA.  Cause of death
} unclear.
}
} Investigation of office revealed:
}
} Diary.  Last notes dated 19 Feb 92:  "Got him at last.  Didn't show up.
} Clever trick not sending demand until after appointment.  Refused to
} come to office, therefore contacted him through usual channels with
} request for transport to his residence.  Says to wait here, transport
} coming. Don't know how ...."  Transcript ends.
}
} Computer terminal.  Activated, electronic mail program operating.
} Clearly malfunctioning, obviously tampered with by person or persons
} unknown since ludicrous message from Wastebasket folder, "Help, let me
} out, it's no trick, I'm stuck in here."  No files visible.  Terminal
} deactivated.
}
} Case closed, unsolved.  Presumed homicide, perpetrator unknown.


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