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Internet Oracularities #413

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413, 413-01, 413-02, 413-03, 413-04, 413-05, 413-06, 413-07, 413-08, 413-09, 413-10


Usenet Oracularities #413    (28 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 22 Feb 92 00:30:52 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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413   28 votes 5g700 22ba3 52a92 29a52 0d762 26d34 02ba5 02ab5 057c4 19c60
413   3.1 mean  2.1   3.4   3.0   2.9   2.9   3.0   3.6   3.7   3.5   2.8


413-01    (5g700 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a good analogy to define "life"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Curses, don't these mortals even read the help file on me anymore.
} I've made it perfectly clear to Kinzler that his clients can expect one
} hell of a <ZOTTING> if they don't start some good honest grovelling.
} This goes for you too but as I can see from your total lack of even a
} pretense a grovel that your still wearing your UNIX nappies I'll let it
} slip this one time.
}
} But don't think you're going to get any titillating appearances from
} the divinely sexy Lisa in this answer with that sort of approach, no
} siree. (Anyway she's spending the week at Olympus so I don't see why
} anyone else should have any fun.)
}
} Anyway, the old what is a good analogy for life question, eh?  (You
} non-grovelling types don't have qualms about going for the big ones do
} you.)
}
} As any good Uzbekistanian family knows, a good analogy for life is a
} an old radish.
}
} Hell do you expect an explanation as well with your manners?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Miss June Dally Watkins Manners Guide, a
} collection of Uzbekistani legumes and a blow-up Lisa.


413-02    (22ba3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wonderfully Male Oracle, chief of the remaining Titans,
> please bestow upon us mortals the answer to one of the eternal
> questions.
>
> It's like this.  You walk into the Men's room for a quick
> visit.  There are two urinals, with no wall separating them, and three
> stalls.  Another Man is using one of the urinals.  Should you
>       A       use the other urinal
>       B       use one of the stalls
>       C       wait for Him to finish, then use a urinal
>       D       run screaming from the room

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I got news for you, O-Soon-to-be-a-Eunuch, you just made a BAD mistake.
} Not only is the Oracle about as far from "Male" as yer likely to find,
} but her period is due late this week, and she's in the midst of a case
} of PMS that would make a supernova look like a cigarette lighter.
}
} The answer to your chauvinist-pig breast-envy stupid-male-dominance
} question is "Shoot the Other Man in the testicles."
}
} You owe the Oracle 50 megatons of Motrin.


413-03    (52a92 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me a question!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why should I?


413-04    (29a52 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most effervescent, whose tongue is more silver than the
> moon, whose voice is more velvet than Mel Torme or an Elvis painting, I
> have a question.  Our local college offers a class on Pubic Speaking,
> but ever time I tell the lady I want to enroll in it she just turns red
> and giggles.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the first thing that you need to do is find out what's up with
} this lady. My first guess would be that she is not from an english-
} speaking country.
}
} The phrase, "I would like to enroll in Public Speaking", in Swahili,
} is best translated as, "Your dog and mine copulate in the street, yes?"
} In Aboriginal Austrailian, it means, "You want to bang your coconuts
} against mine?", and in Zulu Click, it means, "!tmeer impw!se Lers!K
} seo!Tenkt!", which can only be translated to mean, "Hey babe! How 'bout
} you and me go down to the river tonight?"
}
} You owe the Oracle an English-Sanscrit dictionary, and also a written
} apology to the lady for your vulgarity.


413-05    (0d762 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most splendiferous and awesome Oracle, whose quick hacks never cause
> core dumps or worse, please tell me this:
>
> Why is it that whenever you find a nice little program that works the
> way you want except, for one or two minor glitches, the next release is
> always a huge, slow, awkward monstrosity that requires _just slightly
> more_ system resourses than you have available?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to your question, my child, depends upon which vendor
} you choose. Some examples:
} IBM: Upgrade. It's your path to increased performance. Just like
}      the Borg from StarTrek, Cost is irrelavant.
} Dec: We made it spiffy, and added more online HELP resources, plus
}      a 12 volume guide for new users. This consumes resources.
} Apple: The old version is no longer compatable with our company's
}        policy. Please delete all old versions of your source code.
} Elxsi: We lack the recources and staffing to answer your question,
}        since our phone lines have been disconnected. Looks like
}        you (and us) are both out of business.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ES9000, with unlimited resources, as well
} as a multi-path to enlightenment.


413-06    (26d34 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and excessively hydrophobic Oracle, master of all words of
> wisdom earthly and arcane, whose holiness fills the Khartoum of our
> lives as the stars do brighten the night sky, I beg of you grant me
> this morsel of your wisdom.  How come you disarmingly put herb butter
> on your garlic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My, My! you are a fine groveller! Allow Me to congratulate you on
} the style and wit of your supplications!
}
} Yes indeed. A good groveller.
}
} Now, where was I... oh yes... "How come you disarmingly put
} herb butter on your garlic?"
}
} Well, you see, it was like this:
}
}    Once upon a time, many millions of years ago, there was a
}    young Oracle wandering the dark and seemly forest of
}    Deliador. There He was beloved of the Gnomes and a great
}    favorite among the Sylphs and Maenads (who were nice young
}    ladies then, not the wicked, hurtful things thay became later,
}    with these horrible black lipsticks and Ojibway haircuts and
}    whatall). ANyway, He wandered contentedly with the Sylphs
}    through the forest, and whenever they desired a quick snack
}    He'd just conjure a cuddly little bunny and give it a tiny
}    little amplitude-modulated <zot>, just enough to cook it to
}    perfection, and He and the sylphs would sit down and have a
}    quick nibble. Often after that, they'd feel amorous, and well,
}    you know Sylphs, and the Oracle was much friskier then, and
}    one things lead to another, and, well, you know. The
}    occasional tree would get <ZOT>ted in the heat of passion, and
}    the Gnomes learned better than to stand around gawping and
}    making explicit drawings after one of them got a strange green
}    <ZOT> and was turned into an accordion valve.
}
}    All was well with the Oracle until the day when Valium,
}    beloved maiden daughter of the Elf-king, wandered into the
}    sacred grove to gather Gnome droppings for a spell. Although
}    He was surrounded by the fairest of Sylphs and sweetest of
}    Maenads, the randy young Oracle wanted none of them any
}    longer, only the mellow and tranquil daughter of the Faerie
}    Folks' king. "O Valium", He would cry at night under the full
}    moon of love, "Come to Me again, My sweet, My stuporous
}    darling, enfold Me in your dreamy embrace, carry Me into the
}    clouds!" But there was no answer. Valium had taken a powder.
}
}    In despair, He forswore all food for the rest of eternity,
}    vowing only to eat condiments and seasonings. Consequently, He
}    developed a cuisine featuring such delicacies as poached
}    cardamom, food colouring `a le Roi, peppercorns Montmorency,
}    MSG tartelets, poitrine of pin~ons, and cassoulet of garlic.
}    Butter was considered a staple food, but He convinced Himself
}    that it would be OK if it were herb butter. And thus is
}    explained this mystery.
}
} You owe the Oracle to go and thoroughly enjoy the next meal you
} have.


413-07    (02ba5 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh splendiferous and snug Oracle, whose knowledge could fill a huge
> tank, answer for this idiot this humble query.  Is Menachim Begin
> really a sorority girl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's consider it category by category:
}                                                     Menachem Sorority
}                                                     Begin    Girls
}
} Giddiness: does the individual engage in              Yes      Yes
} wild fits of exaggerated behaviour?
}
} Attitude: does the individual promise favours         Yes      Yes
} and then not deliver them, or think of him/her self
} as one of the Chosen Few?
}
} Bitchiness: is the individual prone to respond        Yes      Yes
} to encroachment with a preemptive strike?
}
} Crassness: does the individual present him/her self   Yes      Yes
} in a way that often makes them unappealing?
}
} Acquisitiveness: does the individual seem to have     Yes      Yes
} an overweening desire to take an ever-greater
} share of the pie?
}
} Secret initiation: did the individual suffer a rite   Yes      Yes
} of passage to attain their group membership?
}
} Cabal membership: is the individual privy to "secret  Yes      Yes
} meetings" and "official secrets"?
}
} My-dad's-the-CEO: does the individual rely on         Yes      Yes
} powerful allies for clout?
}
} Well, that would seem to prove it conclusively. Menachem Begin is
} a sorority girl, and all sorority girls are Menachem Begin! Gads,
} we must warn the world!
}
} Oh no, the pods are coming! NONONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!!
} AAAAaaaaaargh.......
}
} You owe the Oracle a jumbo-sized bag of plant fertilizer.


413-08    (02ab5 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "" <mycroft@altdorf.ai.mit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle wizened and gnarly beyond all belief,
> whose head is as crackly and brown as a leaf,
> whose fillings are crafted of finest pure gold,
> what is the difference 'tween mildew and mold?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mildew's on wet things -- of this I am certain,
} Like faucets and drains and that old shower curtain,
} Mold is what grows on food that's gone bad,
} And --
}
} Oh, never mind the rhyme.  Let me tell you about Moldy Bread Stew.
} You're going to love it; trust me.
}
} Just take a slice of bread, dip it in water (or bouillon, if you're
} feeling really adventurous).  Leave it out on your kitchen counter
} for three weeks.  By then, you will have noticed that your bread is
} covered in various kinds of mold of all colors.  The most commonplace
} mold is your basic green mold.  You will have lots of that, but you
} will also have some orange mold, some white mold, some blue mold and
} perhaps even some purple mold.  Scrape the mold off the bread
} and into a pot filled with carrots, celery, potatoes, cubes of beef,
} onions, eye of newt, wing of bat and leg of frog.  Then, cook and
} serve. Yum yum!
}
} The effects of Moldy Bread Stew depend on the color of mold used.
} The lore of the ancients tells us that each mold color has its own
} distinct properties:
}
}       Green   conformity; association with the commonplace
}
} Green mold stew is perfect for people interested in becoming sales
} representatives for large computer companies.
}
}       Orange  fertility; passion
}
} Orange mold stew is useful if you and your loved one are planning on
} having children, or even if you are just intending to screw like mad
} minks.
}
}       White   purity; innocence
}
} Needless to say, mixing orange mold and white mold in a stew will lead
} to confusion.  (Rumor has it that just such a mixture can be found in
} "mystery meat" sold in high school cafeterias.)
}
}       Blue    artistic endeavor; sadness
}
} Don't ask me why these two are lumped together.  They just are.  Go
} paint a sad picture or something.
}
}       Purple  eccentricity; hallucinations
}
} Now, *this* I can recommend.  Jimi Hendrix spoke highly of this while
} he was alive (reference:  "Purple Haze").  A really good batch of
} purple mold stew can leave you incoherent and babbling for *days*.
} Once or twice, mortals have been able to directly contact *me* using
} this stuff (this is not recommended for the faint of heart).
}
} Bon appetit!
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Pepto-Bismol and a copy of Timothy Leary's
} "Diary of A Hope Fiend".


413-09    (057c4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle who would make a much better President than either
> Tsongas or Clinton, who already understands that Jerry Brown doesn't
> have a snowball's chance in hell, who is wise enough to know why
> anybody ever voted for Ronny Ray-gun in the first place, please answer
> your humble supplicant this question...
>
> Why is Pat Buchanon doing this?  Doesn't he realize he's going to tear
> the Republican party apart?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You grovel most excellently, but you make the mistake of assuming
} that I would spend a lot of My time watching the insectile
} gyration of your oligarchs. I give you this parable:
}
}   A prince consulted the oracle Malaclypse the Younger one day
}   and asked him, "O profound and mysterious one, why do the royal
}   family of our country spend so much of their time and our money
}   killing each other off? Instead of ruling wisely and well?".
}
}   And Malaclypse rolled his eye (the real one) up to the heavens,
}   and foamed discreetly from the corners of his mouth. He took up
}   the Omnignosticum from his workbench, from amidst the bits of
}   dried amphibians and chelopterae, from under a pile of salted
}   cod, and negociated it through the winding glass tubes of his
}   Soxhelet apparatus.
}
}   He set the tome upon his lectern, and began the ritual
}   incantation. With a weak and wavering gesture, he tossed a
}   handful of black powder into the air, and when he said the word
}   "Buxtehude!" it burst into violet flames around him. The book
}   flew open, and Malaclypse looked at the answer written there,
}   snorted and slammed the book shut. The flames went out.
}
}   He gave the prince a long and steady look. The young man
}   quailed under the ancient stare. He fell to his knees.
}   "Magister", he quavered, "what have you seen?", and Malaclypse
}   quoth "You won't understand it". The prince begged and begged
}   him, so finally Malaclypse reconsidered.
}
}   "The reason", Malaclypse hissed, "is greed."
}
}   " 'Greed'?!?!", the prince screamed, " 'GREED'?!?!?! " I
}   travelled five days and nights without stopping to hear that?
}   And the prince pulled the dagger out of his belt, threatening
}   Malaclypse. Malaclypse sighed and made an elaborate gesture.
}   The prince promptly turned into a carrot.
}
}   Malaclypse sighed as he crunched on the youthful vegetable.
}   "Ooops. Slip of the tongue. It _actually_ said 'Stupidity'".
}
} And thus spake Malaclypse the Younger. Blessed be his fnord Name.
}
} You owe the fnOracle a round-trip ticket to Boston from Toronto.


413-10    (19c60 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                     Oh most fabulous and meta-omni Oracle,
>                       Please answer your humble servant;
>
>                                    SNTF???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh minor and insignificant supplicant,
}
}       To answer your humble question, the answer is definately no.
}       Smurfs Need The Freedom....... NOT.  The little buggers need to
}       die a most horrible death.  I would ZOT them all but there are so
}       many of them and they breed like rats (you'd never think so, but
}       Brainy is responsible for at least 100 children - luckily cats
}       catch them easily enough - yet another of televisions
}       falsehoods).
}
}       Sell Nabisco This Friday....... probably shouldn't.  The cookies,
}       crackers, and wafers may taste good, but that pit bull your
}       neighbor has doesn't seem to like them a whole lot.
}
}       Send NSA THE File......... not a good idea.  They know it was
}       stolen and probably will find you sometime soon.  They are not
}       happy with you.  Better eat that disk (I suggest a little Grey
}       Poupon) or you'll find yourself amazed just how much damage
}       a rubber hose can do.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a Short Nubile Teen Fanatic.


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