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Internet Oracularities #414

Goto:
414, 414-01, 414-02, 414-03, 414-04, 414-05, 414-06, 414-07, 414-08, 414-09, 414-10


Usenet Oracularities #414    (35 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 92 16:02:36 -0500

@@@ Rec.humor.oracle and rec.humor.oracle.d have been officially created.
@@@ Many thanks to Oracle Priest Michael "Harold the Foot" Nolan for
@@@ carrying the newsgroups through their vote and creation process.
@@@ Rec.humor.oracle is moderated -- posting to it should forward your
@@@ posting to the Oracle.  So, if your news system is properly
@@@ configured, you can now ask questions of the Oracle by posting to
@@@ rec.humor.oracle.  Mail replies to Oracularities postings should go
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@@@ the Usenet Oracle, Sore Loser posts, etc.  Alt.humor.oracle will be
@@@ phased out over the following few months and eventually deleted.

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414   35 votes 4db52 2j941 1ib50 2bi22 09h63 59e70 37be0 3baa1 18f92 336g7
414   2.9 mean  2.7   2.5   2.6   2.7   3.1   2.7   3.0   2.9   3.1   3.6


414-01    (4db52 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, to whom living in Maine is surely grovelling enough, but
> if it's not, I figuratively lick your boots and several other
> demeaning things-- NOT. Here's the question: How many presidential
> candidates are there, and when are they going to stop mysteriously
> apparing out of nowhere?  This problem has me vexed, I had to put
> three out by the bin yesterday, and the dustman won't touch them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are in fact seven presidential candidates that have a
} realistic chance of becoming the President of the United States
} next year:
}
} (2) George Bush and Pat Buchanan are the Republican Party's
} offerings this year; Pat doesn't have much of a chance actually for
} this election, but he has a strong claim for the Republican
} nomination for '96 (Dan Quayle for prez? Not!) Unfortunately, George
} has really fouled up the economy, and he can't use the excuse that
} he was taking an afternoon nap when some naughty cabinet member
} snuck in and screwed up the economy (it's been used already).  It's
} rumored that he's whipping up a plan with the Pentagon to launch a
} sneak attack at  night on the budget deficit with the 82nd Airborne
} and a regiment of civilian Broccoli-phobes.
}
} (1) For the Democratic Party, Paul Tsongas is really the only one
} who has votes supporting him.  Unfortunately, he brings voters as
} much enthusiasm as an ammonia enema.  Maybe they should recycle
} McGovern once more.  I mean, if the liberals in this country are so
} damn gung-ho about recycling to reduce waste, why not recycle
} presidential candidates?  It's not like the dems are going to win
} this year, anyways.
}
} (1) There's the Virtual Party and their Virtual Presidential
} Candidate Mario Cuomo.  The numbers of voters that actually support
} this party are hard to come by since they keep swapping their
} choices for president in and out of memory.
}
} (1) And you can't forget the American Nazi Party's candidate for
} fuhrer of the USA, David 'I heart "black|oriental|jew|hispanic|^white",
} honest' Duke. What a schmuck.
}
} (1) Lee Iacocca has always been a possible presidential candidate.
} Somehow despite the huge losses that GM suffers, the thousands of
} layoffs every year, and the million dollar yearly bonuses that the
} executives continue to get, he still is perceived as a successful
} business and that he should be given a chance to replicate his
} success at GM with the country.
}
} Yes, there are a lot of stupid people in this country.
}
} (1) And finally, there's Wayne and Garth of the ALKI party
} (Americans that Love Kanned Intoxicants).  Way! They are actually
} the front-runners in the presidential race, mostly due to a massive
} nationwide write-in campaign, Wayne for pres, and Garth, his running
} mate, for the vital veep post.  They want to change the name of the
} country to "Wayne's United States World" (I know it's cheesy) and to
} build a beer moat around the country (an idea stolen from the
} Monarchist Party at the University of Maryland).
}
} You owe The Oracle a date with (SCHWINNNG!) any female heavy metal
} bassist with large breasts and a tight fitting wardrobe.


414-02    (2j941 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh illustrious and sexily shaken Oracle, who has showered us all with
> his omniscience, all-revealing, answer for this supplicant this meagre
> plea.  How is a sin like a kerchief?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE ORACLE DOES NOT APPRECIATE TRICK QUESTIONS.  It's only your
} grovelling that made you escape eternal doom.
}
} A sin is not like a kerchief.  A sin is like either a lead weight that
} presses upon your soul, or like an airy feather that lifts you up.
}
} You owe the oracle lust, sloth, avarice, envy, gluttony, jealousy and a
} seventh sin to be named later.


414-03    (1ib50 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and ever-ready Oracle, whose teeth are whiter than a polar
> bear's buttocks, whose smile is brighter than the fireflies at
> Chernobyl, answer me this:
>
> If white is not a colour, merely the reflection of light, and black
> is merely the absence or absorption of light, then which is grey:
> black or white?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, now this is a question that has puzzled many minds (though none so
} great as the Oracle's, of course <modest cough>).
}
} The great Sufi poet Shazzimifoop once spent three years with his left
} little finger embedded in his right ear, dancing in the grape fields,
} in hopes of discovering the answer to this question, but without
} success.
}
} The famous Zen monk Tai-Dai Kuriin spent most of his final years
} meditating on a mountain top in the hope that he would achieve
} enlightenment regarding this question.  When one of his students came
} to see how he was doing, he was found crawling around on all fours,
} unable to speak except to utter the phrase "the legs, the horrible
} legs!!"
}
} Fortunately, the Oracle is not subject to such mortal foibles, and is
} able to tell you that grey is neither black, nor white.
}
} You owe the oracle a book of Sufi poetry, a jug of wine, and an
} all-expense paid vacation with Lisa.


414-04    (2bi22 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and magnificent Oracle, upon whose phlegm I would not be
> worthy to nibble, and whose massively wonderful graciousness is seen
> and remarked upon by people of high quality everywhere, please
> answer my question.
>
> Should I vote for someone who wants to take all my money and
> give it to the poor people, or someone who wants to take all my
> money and give it to the rich people?  And is it better to elect
> an idiot who is running, an idiot who is not running, or someone who
> is running from an idiot?
>                           -Confused in NH

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It doesn't actually matter who you vote for, as will become apparent.
}
} To paraphrase a modern-day philosopher: Anyone who is capable of
} becoming leader is the last person who should be allowed to do it.
} (It is left as an exercise to the reader to discover who said this.)
} Although it may seem like it, the US government is not completely
} stupid, and has been aware of this fact for many years. Therefore it
} has become customary to elect a President who is then kept so busy
} making speeches, opening buildings, tossing coins at sporting events,
} appearing on TV and so on that he never realises that he never
} actually does anything. The real decisions are made by someone else
} completely, and the interesting thing is that this person doesn't
} even know the role that he or she is playing. This person is sent
} occasional e-mail messages from the "Usenet Oracle", posing
} hypothetical questions about the economy, the international political
} situation, and so forth. The answers are then acted upon.
}
} So in essence: vote for anyone who gives you money.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question on the abortion issue.


414-05    (09h63 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle who never has to look for parking, I recently finished
> Piers Anthony's "incarnations of immortality" series, and
> realised that although the office of Oracle is immortal,
> the current incumbent used to be a mere human like myself.
> To enliven my dreary existence, can you tell me what it was like
> to become the Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if life were like a Piers Anthony novel, oh dreary one, I was
} a bigoted but honorable man who was forced to assume the office
} of The Oracle by a promise that I made years before.  After assuming
} the office and experiencing a series of humorous and/or embarrassing
} events (helped by my newfound familiar, Lisa), I eventually
} came out on top during an altercation with . . . SATAN?
}
} Now isn't *that* special.
}
} Of course, life is not a Piers Anthony novel (thank Me).  I have
} always been The Oracle and always shall be The Oracle, Supreme
} Being Extrodinair.  (Mr Anthony should consider himself warned that
} the book he is currently considering, "With Prescience and a Short
} Temper", would be a large and painful mistake.)
}
} Always remember Ruling of the Oracle #27: Thou Shalt Not take thy
} philosophies of life from Science or Fantasy Fiction.  Especially Piers
} Anthony or Robert Heinlen.  Take them rather from . . . Me.
}
} So let it be written, so let it be done.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hardback of the uncut
} _Stranger_in_a_Strange_Land_.


414-06    (59e70 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So who are we today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle:  Hey, Lisa, get this.  This human just sent in this question.
}        Check this out.  It says, "So who are we today?"  Can you
}        believe that?  Should I <ZOT> the poor, insecure hapless
}        mass of human flesh?
}
} Lisa: (As she steps out of the shower, her body glistening with
}       water and little droplets splash on the tile floor) No, don't
}       pull the old <Zot> again.  You've been doing that lately.
}
} Oracle: Alright, if you insist.  But what should I say?
}
} Lisa: I don't know.  You're asking me?  You're the all-powerful Oracle!
}
} Oracle: I guess I'll put it aside and sleep on it.
}
}       {That night the Oracle put it under his pillow and slept
}        a dreamy sleep filled with adventure, romance, suspense,
}        and really gross crawling things that make you shiver
}        and gives you the Heebie Jeebies}
}
} (During the middle of the night, Oracle wakes up in a cold sweat,
}  shivering all over, after having awoken from the most horrible
}  nightmare.  Lisa is awoken by his screaming and asks him what
}  happenened.)
}
} Oracle: I don't know.  I guess my subconscious was thinking about
}       that question, "So who are we today?", and I had this
}       horrible nightmare about it.
}
} Lisa:  Now just relax and tell me all about it.  You're OK now.
}       Just get it off your chest.
}
} Oracle: Ok, I was this human and I was a movie actor and I was
}       big and ugly.  I acted in this horrible sappy film with
}       this good-looking girl but I sucked.  Just thinking about
}       it makes me queasy.  Oh, God!  It's all so clear now.
}       This question has pointed to the whole of mankind.
}       OH, LORD!!!!!  THE HORROR!!!  THE HORROR!!!!!
}       Can it be so?  Only I could have found this out.
}
} Lisa: (frantically)  What?  What?  What are you talking about?
}
} Oracle: Mankind!  They are all fat and have big noses.
}
} Lisa: (puzzled)  What are you talking about?
}
} Oracle: Do I have to spell it out?   All of mankind today is:
}
}       G-E-R-A-R-D   D-E-P-A-R-D-I-E-U  !!!!!!!!!!!!!1
}
} AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!   THE HORROR!!!!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle all copies of Green Card, both video tape and
} original movie film, in a metal canister so that he can sprinkle
} loads of gasoline all of them and set them ablaze as he dances
} around the canister in glee that one of the plagues of mankind
} has been obliterated.  (At least from the shelves of our local
} video stores.)


414-07    (37be0 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle...
>
> What is the colour of Connie Cheung's underwear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You naughty little boy!  You've been trying to peek under the
} television set again!  I suggest that instead of masturbating to the
} nightly news, you purchase the Oracle's new X-Ray-TV (tm), which lets
} you see everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) happening on TV.  Want to
} know what's REALLY behind door #1?  Want to know what Monty's behind
} REALLY looks like?  Is Cher REALLY naked under that skimpy thing she's
} wearing?  Is William Shatner REALLY bald?  Do any of Charlie's Angels
} use breast implants? Oracle X-Ray-TV (tm) has the answers!
}
} Available exclusively from Oracle Dirtbag Enterprises, Inc, at the low
} Low LOW price of only $19.95!  Call NOW at (800) U-SUCKER to get your
} Oracle X-Ray-TV (TM)!  Our operators are standing by.
}
} Offer void where prohibited, taxed, or just too sleazy.  You owe the
} Oracle a Victoria's Secret catalouge.


414-08    (3baa1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh splendiferous Oracle, do tell me this, please.  How can I get
> Charles Darwin's arsonist to get out of its nursing home?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You will need:
}
}    a Snoopy doll, extra-large
}    a gallon of gasoline
}    a match
}
}    1) dunk the Snoopy in the gasoline
}    2) light the match
}    3) apply match to soaked Snoopy (watch out for that first poof of
}       flames)
}    4) throw the flaming doll into the nursing home
}    5) the arsonist should come out on the H.M.S. (Huge, Mostly
}       Scorched) Beagle
}
} You owe the Oracle your opposable thumbs.


414-09    (18f92 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle, source of all wizdom and neat
> stuff, please answer my simple ponderings.
>
> I recently moved to New Jersey, and was wondering
> why is New Jersey so backwards?  Why can't Bruce
> Springsteen sing, and why do locals call the beach
> "The Shore?"
>
> - from Lost on the Turnpike

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle will interpret this as three questions.
}
} 1.  WELCOME TO NEW JERSEY.  New Jersey is backwards because the
} original English settlers in the seventeenth century were actually a
} couple, Rejwen and Doris Smoodles, of Jersey.  One day, Rej asked
} Doris, while she was cooking a nice boiled mutton stew, what they
} should call their new colony.  "Yes, Rejwen?" Doris said, unable to
} hear her husband over the bubbling pot.  And being a backwards person,
} Rej thus named the colony....  They also are the direct linear
} ancestors of every resident, including adopted ones as yourself.  Thus
} you are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-
} great-great-great grandchild of old Rej and Dorrie Smoodles.
} Congratulations-- another prodigal child returns to the nest.
}
} 2.  Springsteen can't sing?  See answer to above -- you should be
} playing the records backwards.  Same w/ Bon Jovi, etc.  You should also
} consider yourself thankful that I didn't try to make a joke out of
} "neetsgnirps" though I may reconsider.
}
} 3.  They don't call the beach "the shore"  They call it "da shore."
} And they only go so they can sit on I-195 for three hours each way.
}
} When a incarnated form of this Oracle went to Princeton, they told him
} it was halfway between New York and Philadelphia.  Soon, he realized
} that it was halfway between Trenton and New Brunswick.  Lost on the
} Turnpike, indeed.


414-10    (336g7 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ha! False imposter! I, the TRUE UseNet Oracle, have you now!
> Take that! <ZOT!> And that! <ZOT!> And this! <KA-POW!>
> And this! <KA-BOING BOING BOING BOOM>
> (1) And this! <neeeeeeeeee SHWACA-BOOM!>
>
> Too long have I been kept from my worshippers, now I shall return
> to claim my due!
>
> (1) This is a bouncing bomb

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For verily is it written that before the newsgroup shall come to life
} you shall be inundated with false Oracles.  (Kinzler, 1:24)
}
} Begone, ye of little bandwidth!


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