} There are in fact seven presidential candidates that have a
} realistic chance of becoming the President of the United States
} next year:
} (2) George Bush and Pat Buchanan are the Republican Party's
} offerings this year; Pat doesn't have much of a chance actually for
} this election, but he has a strong claim for the Republican
} nomination for '96 (Dan Quayle for prez? Not!) Unfortunately, George
} has really fouled up the economy, and he can't use the excuse that
} he was taking an afternoon nap when some naughty cabinet member
} snuck in and screwed up the economy (it's been used already). It's
} rumored that he's whipping up a plan with the Pentagon to launch a
} sneak attack at night on the budget deficit with the 82nd Airborne
} and a regiment of civilian Broccoli-phobes.
} (1) For the Democratic Party, Paul Tsongas is really the only one
} who has votes supporting him. Unfortunately, he brings voters as
} much enthusiasm as an ammonia enema. Maybe they should recycle
} McGovern once more. I mean, if the liberals in this country are so
} damn gung-ho about recycling to reduce waste, why not recycle
} presidential candidates? It's not like the dems are going to win
} this year, anyways.
} (1) There's the Virtual Party and their Virtual Presidential
} Candidate Mario Cuomo. The numbers of voters that actually support
} this party are hard to come by since they keep swapping their
} choices for president in and out of memory.
} (1) And you can't forget the American Nazi Party's candidate for
} fuhrer of the USA, David 'I heart "black|oriental|jew|hispanic|^white",
} honest' Duke. What a schmuck.
} (1) Lee Iacocca has always been a possible presidential candidate.
} Somehow despite the huge losses that GM suffers, the thousands of
} layoffs every year, and the million dollar yearly bonuses that the
} executives continue to get, he still is perceived as a successful
} business and that he should be given a chance to replicate his
} success at GM with the country.
} Yes, there are a lot of stupid people in this country.
} (1) And finally, there's Wayne and Garth of the ALKI party
} (Americans that Love Kanned Intoxicants). Way! They are actually
} the front-runners in the presidential race, mostly due to a massive
} nationwide write-in campaign, Wayne for pres, and Garth, his running
} mate, for the vital veep post. They want to change the name of the
} country to "Wayne's United States World" (I know it's cheesy) and to
} build a beer moat around the country (an idea stolen from the
} Monarchist Party at the University of Maryland).
} You owe The Oracle a date with (SCHWINNNG!) any female heavy metal
} bassist with large breasts and a tight fitting wardrobe.