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Internet Oracularities #416

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416, 416-01, 416-02, 416-03, 416-04, 416-05, 416-06, 416-07, 416-08, 416-09, 416-10


Usenet Oracularities #416    (27 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Fri, 28 Feb 92 10:57:29 -0500

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For example:
   416
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

416   27 votes 56664 26982 116e5 48e10 36882 66771 35c52 7c521 55d40 4b660
416   2.8 mean  2.9   3.1   3.8   2.4   3.0   2.7   2.9   2.2   2.6   2.5


416-01    (56664 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wonderful Oracle, whose very being is beyond mortal
> comprehension, who knows the last digit of pi, who...hmm.  What _is_
> the last digit of Pi, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just a moment...
}
} % compute_pi
}       Computing...Sun Feb 22 16:06:36 PST 1992
}       Computing...Sun Feb 22 17:06:36 PST 1992
} Need additional processing power.
} Use security holes to use other internet hosts? [n] y
}       Working...   452 hosts found so far
}       Working...   987 hosts found so far
}       Working...  5837 hosts found so far
}       Working... 92385 hosts found so far
}       Working...457839 hosts found so far
} 999999 hosts found (maximum) computaion begins.
}       Computing...Sun Feb 22 18:06:36 PST 1992
}       Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 1992
}       Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 1995
}       Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 1998
}       Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 2003
}       Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 2009
}       Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 2832
}       Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 4985
}       Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 9364
} Computation complete, output is pi.txt
} % cat pi.txt
}       Warning system shutdown in 10 second
}               ..end of the world...
} }}}NO CARRIER
}
} Well I guess some things just arn't meant to be discovered.


416-02    (26982 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, hilarious and mighty Oracle, who power and knowledge extends
> beyond the farthest reaches of the Universe.  Oh, magnificent and
> magnanimous Oracle, whose witty reparte is always fun to read.  Oh,
> great, eminent, illustrious, immense, vast, fine, important, prominent,
> vital, famed, dignified, excellent, renowned, majestic, august, noble,
> grand Oracle, who can so wisely answer any question put to you by us
> stupid mortals.  Oh, kind and caring Oracle, who rules the Universe...
>
>       [Sorry, I have no question, I just wanted to grovel a bit...]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last!   A supplicant with his priorities straight!   He is truely
} the Great One, promised of ages.  He is the one unto whom I shall
} bestow the greatest prize, as was written in the Great Scrolls of T'q.
}
} Come forward and recieve the prize. . .
}
} come closer
}
} closer
}
}                                TAG!!!  YOU'RE IT! HAHAHAHAHA!
}
} You owe the Oracle a second childhood.


416-03    (116e5 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, maybe I used the wrong sample, flicked the wrong switch, or
> applied the wrong voltage, but something went wrong.  Now large
> glistening things with leathery wings and heads like an octopus are
> entering the lab through the molecular beam epitaxy unit.  They have
> eaten three janitors, sacrificed a PDP-11 on an altar of magtapes, and
> are now chanting "Dan Quayle!  Dan Quayle".  I am protected by a
> hastily drawn pentagram, and only have this terminal, my coffee cup, a
> Christmas stocking, three mangoes and a tape measurer.  How do I get
> out of this one alive and reasonably intact?
>
> Umm...  Please hurry on this one.  The mangoes won't last long and
> the critters may soon figure out that the terminal connector passes
> through the pentagram.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Geez!  Sometimes I wonder why I even let you humans NEAR expensive
} research equipment.  I mean, what do you EXPECT to happen when you
} deposit Argon on Gallium Arsenide wafers willy-nilly like that?  I
} bet you didn't bother to read the warnings in your MBE User's Guide,
} did you.  Allow me.  From Chapter One, page 3:
}
}     "WARNING!  Use EXTREME CAUTION when depositing molecules of
}     certain noble gases, particularly Argon, on improperly
}     prepared Gallium Arsenide wafers.  Failure to observe proper
}     safety measures may result in the inadvertent opening of
}     gates to various planes of Hell.  (For information on closing
}     gates to Hell, please refer to Appendix H.)"
}
} Don't tell me, you left the User's Guide back in your office behind
} your Macintosh, didn't you?  Apparently computer geeks aren't the
} only ones who never RTFM.  Okay, I'm in a good mood, so here's
} Appendix H:
}
}     "Appendix H.  Closing Gates to Hell.
}
}     The following procedure is recommended to close gates to
}     Hell inadvertently opened due to improper operation of your
}     MBE unit.  You will require the following materials:
}
}         - Computer terminal connected to the Internet
}         - Caffeinated beverage, preferably Jolt.
}         - Three or more tropical fruits.  [Hope you didn't get
}             too hungry - O]
}         - Accurate linear measurement device.
}
}     Step 1.  Identify pertinent plane of Hell involved:
}
}         [Lots deleted - O]
}
}         Plane 221:  Sky turning blood-red; Earth opening up and
}                     swallowing nearby chemists.
}
}         Plane 222:  Winged, slimy, octopus-headed Dan Quayle fans.
}
}         Plane 223:  Major temporal distortions; Recent project
}                     report finished on time.
}
}         [More deleted - O]
}
}     Step 2.  Arrange tropical fruits in regular polygon precisely
}              66.6 centimeters per edge.
}
}     Step 3.  BEFORE arranging tropical fruits, consume caffeinated
}              beverage.
}
}     Step 4.  Using computer terminal, break into site VAXnnn.HELL.UNI,
}              where nnn is the plane of Hell involved.  Retrieve the
}              file /usr/local/doc/spells/closing.  (The IP addresses of
}              these sites are of the form 132.257.666.nnn.)
}
}     Step 5.  Chant the contents of the retrieved file three times.
}              (Ignore denizens pouring liquid nitrogen on you.)
}
}     Step 6.  Once gate to Hell is closed, shut down MBE lab and
}              contact Facilities.  Refer to local procedures manuals
}              for standard gate to Hell followup activities."
}
} There, that should do it.  But if you think THAT was bad, wait til
} your boss finds out you were eating lunch in the MBE lab!
}
} You owe the Oracle a top-of-the-line Ribe vacuum pump.  And the
} Christmas stocking.


416-04    (48e10 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O magnanamous Oracle, who can crush toe-jam into diamonds and
> whose very thought patterns can make toaster ovens spew forth untold
> riches, whose libido is the size of a volvo station wagon, and whose
> spread in the latest issue of "Horny Leather Clad Gods & Godesses" left
> us all breathless, answer me this:
>
>      Why, in Canada, is SPAM called KAM and TREET called PREM???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       English is the same as many other languages, in that it
} has many dialects.  An American raincoat in England is called a
} "mac," which to us means "cheese and macaroni," which to the whole
} world means that annoying little girl in the Kraft commercials.
}       Also, in England, a "fag" is slang for a cigarette, while
} in the States, it means "one who is subscribed to soc.motss."
} As for you Ohians, we all know that to you, "mounties" means
} "man who sleeps with horses," while to Canadians the word trans-
} lates merely to "blonde guy who lusts for the Chief's daughter
} and has a huge chin."
}       Of course, there are some words in dialects which have
} no meaning at all in others.  While "poofter" is gibberish in
} the American version of English, in the mother country it means
} what "fag" is to us, which of course means "cigarette" to them.
} So, if an Englishman asks if you are a poofter, and you smoke
} cigarettes, quickly say "yes" with a smile and reach into your
} pocket for your smokes.  He will either run away or ask you to
} dance.
}       The answer to your question lies also in these dialects.
} Spam, in America, was named because of its main ingredients:
} salt and ham.  In Canada, it is named affectionately after
} David Letterman's "Vomit Kam," which only lasted for two
} episodes due to sudden increases in hospitalizations for bulemia.
}       Treet is called prem in Canada simply because the
} American elongated version, "shwedded treet," not only poked
} fun at Canadian house birds, but is not as preferrable to them
} as their shortened spelling of Pre-Menstrual Syndrome, or "prem."
}
} You owe the Oracle he translation of "Ix" in Betelguese Seven's tongue,
} then translated into Chinese and posted, using ASCII graphics,
} to rec.humor.oracle.d.


416-05    (36882 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wonderfull and kind Oracle of all time, please see it wise to
> give me advice.
>
> When I woke up this morning, the first thing I did was long in at 9600
> baud with my home computer to my Sun at work.  Then I telent'ed the
> main VAX just to telnet back to a Solburne on my domain.  From there I
> rlogin'ed around the building a bit until I ended up at the building's
> main mail host with the outside world.  From there I used a company
> high speed line and software to get to our office in Montrouge, France.
>  From there I telneted to a university in northern California where I
> still have an account.  I wasn't done yet, oh no.  From there I
> telnet'ed an account at the library at a universtiy in southern Germany
> where, the system administrator, a friend of mine from way back, set me
> up.  This was a VAX system so I read some help -- not trivial because
> the German keyboard isn't perfect QWERTY.  I then telnet'ed my Sun back
> in San Jose, promply went back into my account on the first VAX and
> used another high speed link to our office in Sagamihara, Japan then
> Seul, Korea then back to San Jose.
>
> Only then was I ready to read news.  The pause between 'n' and a new
> screen was about 25 seconds.
>
> How much of this delay was due to propagation delay as contrasted with
> my baud rate limit and what makes me do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ooh, you naughty boy!  All that telnetting and rloginning and other
} nasty stuff -- you weren't practicing safe computing!  You were being
} promiscuous! Not only were you hrr, umm, shall we say "interacting"
} with many other coputers AT THE SAME TIME, but you didn't even bother
} to ask with whom those other computers had "interacted" or were
} "interacting" at the time. Who knows what kind of viruses you might
} have contracted or spread?  (Well, I do, but you know what I mean.)
}
} But anyway, on to your question.  The line of connections was:
} 1) home computer --> 2) Sun --> 3) V** (Tsk, tsk!  You KNOW you
} shouldn't use naughty words when addressing the Oracle!) --> 4)
} Solburne --> 5) mail host --> 6) Montrouge --> 7) university --> 8)
} Germany --> 9) Sun --> 10) V** again --> 11) Japan --> 12) Korea -->
} 13) San Jose.
}
} Well, there you have it.  The delay had nothing to do with your baud
} rate, nor with propagation delay.  The various computers you were
} dealing with all happen to be superstitious (that's not as surprising
} as it may seem, actually; about three quarters of all the computers in
} the Universe are superstitious to some degree) and they decided to
} punish you for forcing them into a "menage-a-treize" situation.  You
} shouls have added a fourteenth somewhere along the line; then they
} would have cooperated better.  Of course, that would have been even
} worse, safe-computing-wise, but you can't have everything.
}
} You owe the Oracle a megabyte of condoms.


416-06    (66771 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, articulate, beautiful, charming, delightful, eidetic, funloving,
> great, hedonistic, intelligent, just, kind, liberal, magnificent,
> noble, omnipotent, powerful, quintessential, ribald, scintillating,
> tactful, universal, virtuous, wonderful, xenophilic, youthful, zotting
> Oracle,
>
> Did you like my abecedarian grovel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For a mere mortal, I thought your grovel was amiable, beautific,
} creative, distracting, energetic, faithful, gregarious, helpful,
} interesting, joyous, kind, libidinous, magnificent, non-<zot>ful,
} ornate, particularly, quinticentially restful, surprising, terrific,
} unmatched, very wonderous, xylophonically yodel-like, and zooy.
}
} You owe me a can of alphabet soup and an electronic Webster.


416-07    (35c52 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've been meaning to ask this for a long time...
> why do people procrastinate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll get back to you on that.


416-08    (7c521 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, Master of the Skies, Emperor of the Eagles, Lord of
> the Lorikeets, Archon of the Albatrosses, Caliph of the Cuckoos,
> Pharaoh of the Phoenixes, Pooh-bah of the Penguins and King of the
> Turkeys.... how do I roast a chicken?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Call Sadam and tell him George is mad again.


416-09    (55d40 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, so splendiferous that the OED alone cannot hold
> sufficient adjectives to describe your awe-inspiring majesty; so
> perfect that your kneecaps are the basis of some primative religions;
> so enervating that I sink to the depths of ennui in a feeble attempt
> to emluate your perfection in writing this poor imitation of flattery;
>
> I have a question, important to a frivilous worm such as myself, who
> is clearly unable to spell as well as You, that I beg, indeed, I
> humble and prostrate myself like a person with a severe back spasm,
> who finds oneself writing sentences of such complexity and odd
> structure that Gogol himself would be unable to duplicate, and the
> diagram of which would appear as a typical Wall Street organizational
> chart, only with fewer incompentent managers, to ask your favor of
> an answer to this simple, innocent question.
>
> Worshipful Oracle, my question is, in that instant when I wake up,
> just before cognizant thought completely invades dreamland, I always
> imagine a rather interesting scene (which I am unable to describe with
> appropriate detail in such a public forum) involving "Better Cheddar
> 'Real Vermont Style' Cheese Whiz", plastic sheeting, two slightly
> overweight reindeer, and the Swedish Bikini team?
>
> I thank thee, most Wise and Glorius Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most worthy supplicant, thy groveling has saved not only your own
} pitiful existence but that of at least the next three petitioners.
} (Be careful not to step in the last questioner, there, to your right.
} That stuff stains something awful.)  You may come back in now, my
} attendants, the Oracular Wrath has been appeased.
}
} Now, let us return to this unusual comment of yours.  I see that you
} do not have an actual question, so I assume you merely wish to share
} this most intriguing setting with your Oracle.  Let me access your
} psychological profile . . . accessing . . . oh my Me . . .
}
} Most interesting.  I see in your profile that you have an appropriate
} respect for spray cheese; that is a factor in your favor.  The plastic
} sheeting and the bikini team are two things that go well together, as
} the Oracle well knows.  The origin of the reindeer is what has the
} Oracle a bit worried, but these things usually work themselves out.
} The combination of these elements is a tad ambitious for a mortal, but
} could prove interesting and profitable to watch, videotape, and
} possibly distribute. I believe I shall grant you a boon.
}
} I suggest, worthy one, that you carry a large quantity of spray
} cheese with you everywhere (this is, in fact, good advice for all
} mortals, I mean, you never know).  You also might want consider some
} pickled herring to add an additional element of mystery.  Some time in
} the future either the reindeer or the bikini team will appear before
} you, and it will be up to you to be prepared and to take the
} appropriate action.  I will be watching.
}
} Oh yes: you should step up your program of calisthenics immediately.
} Make your Oracle proud!
}
} You owe the Oracle a performance surpassing even that of a Kennedy
} on a Florida beach.


416-10    (4b660 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Wise, whose proliferous responses to a myriad of simple
> and humble queries leaves me breathless; who could save the American
> auto industry with nary an effort; whose wisdom is exceeded only by his
> patience in providing guidance to us mere mortals...
>
> Do you want to buy a duck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I suppose that depends on the duck.  Are we talking Donald?
} Daffy?  Peking?  Darkwing?  Daisy?
}
} I am reminded of the parable of the elephant.  A man was walking in the
} Washington Park Zoo in Portland, Oregon one day.  A man in a trenchcoat
} pulled him aside and said, "Pssst!  Hey, mister!  Want to buy an ele-
} phant?"
}
} The man replied, "I live in an apartment.  I can't even have a cat!
} Why would I buy an elephant?"
}
} The man in the trenchcoat said, "500 bucks -- for an elephant!  A real
} elephant."
}
} The man replied, "My wife would kill me if I spent that much money.
} Besides, where would I keep it?  What would I feed it?  How would I
} pay the vet bills?  And what about the smell?
}
} The man in the trenchcoat said, "450 bucks -- that's my final offer --
} take it or leave it."
}
} The man replied, "Listen, buster, for the last time!  I don't WANT an
} elephant!  I don't LIKE elephants!  I can't AFFORD an elephant!  Stop
} with the elephant!"
}
} The man in the trenchcoat said, "Boy, you drive a hard bargain -- TWO
} elephants, 650 bucks -- what do you say?"
}
} The man replied, "Now you're talking!  Where can I rent a truck?"


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