} Warmest welcome to the Usenet Oracle! I see this is your first
} visit. There's no need to be shy. We are especially kind to
} first timers.
} _It is explicitly in Our By-Laws_.
} This is important because my publisher has recently enlarged my
} distribution list. To think We started out with Crayola Press!
} Really glad you came to the right place with a question that
} needed to be anwsered.
} As a matter of editorialship, there is a very small matter to call
} out. Read on. Fear not. You're doing great.
} Now, if one carefully reads Our help file, one notices that the
} "tellme" part needs to be in the "Subject:" line. Well done! For
} future reference, it does not have to be in the body of your
} question. I know, it's all a bit confusing at first. New account,
} new newsgroup, blah, blah. Not to worry.
} However, We have a few . . . traditions here around the Oracle
} Office. Not all are well documented in the help file. Three points
} * One normally grovels before requesting advice of the
} timeless Sage. We tend to use the <Z>-word on those
} who don't grovel. That has very not nice side effects
} on the supplicant. _No_. We will not use the <Z>-word
} in this instance. We don't like it. We could supply
} glorious examples of groveling, but they all belong now
} to the public domain and We don't want to violate the
} public domain. -- Great! You get the idea! _Me_, am I
} * From the help file: "[...] - try to be sensitive to
} new participants[...]" The importance of this can not
} be underestimated by any mortal. It takes a Sage.
} * We, _in particular_, take the second bullet point to
} the logical extreme. We try to be sensitive to
} _serious answers_. It's immaculate, being Oracle.
} It is it's own reward.
} With those most minor formalites cleared away, young man, let's
} turn to the problem at hand: How We and you are going to get
} you a girl friend, a real one, with a worthy set of ethics,
} values, and a capacity of commitment -- someone who can reciprocate
} prossessiveness. That is, someone upon whom you can plant your
} goals and oraculate,
} My highest wish is that we consider ourselves each-
} other's personal property: You belong to me. I own
} you. You are my personal property.
} For that, I am you personal property. You own me. I
} belong to you. What is you wish?
} Often here at the Office We start off with (pre-)history. Fossils
} are cute but this serious answer zooms right to the era when men
} hunted women and women gathered men. Those are bygone days.
} The next important era in terms of girl friend pursuit is from
} circa 800 AD to 1802 AD. These are the dates of the Holy Roman
} Empire which was loosely ruled out of the House of Habsburg of
} Vienna. Voltaire observed that it was neither holy, roman, nor
} an empire and that was the end of that, though Napoleon helped on
} this point, too. In the days of the Holy Roman Empire, the only
} way to pursue a mate was to join the right church. There were no
} other means.
} The next era lasted until 1981. In this time there were several
} routes: church ice cream socials, discotheques, bars, pubs,
} volunteer social work, computer dating, taking classes, video dating,
} fraternities, cafe's, bridge clubs, the Masons, friends of a friend,
} the Moose, grocery stores, the Open Door Born Again Bible Baptist
} Rod and Gun Club, random encounters, etc. You get the idea.
} Now that things are in better perspective, this is what We want
} you to do in 1992. For the next two weeks We what you to go out
} every other evening with a text book, a pad of paper, the
} appropriate class reader and go the the public spot of your choice,
} stake out a spot and do your homework. Notice the people around you.
} If you are not attracted to any of the women, get up and try a
} different place...
} "Orrie! What are you doing?"
} "Lisa, I'm fulfilling my destied role as Usenet Oracle."
} "But he didn't grovel. I know how much you like it when people
} supplicate all over themselves. What me to grovel(wry smile)?"
} "In a minute...It's his first time here. Look at him. He's
} combed his hair to a razor sharp part, a cow lick..."
} "AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE SIDE BURNS?!?!?!?!?"
} "LISA! That's not polite!"
} "All right, Orrie; it'll be your way . . . coming to bed sooooon?"
} "Soon as I take care of this guy."
} [Purring, Lisa wanders off to bed.]
} Never mind about Lisa. She types real fast and she's a wonderful
} Back to the problem at hand. Make eye contact. Don't wink, unless you
} use that subtle european variety where you close both eyes at the same
} time and hold them closed for a full second while mentally trained on
} the prey. Yes, it dates back to the said hunting and gathering days as
} a gesture of trust but it's still effective.
} After you've choosen your mark and you think that she's noticed you,
} get up and buy another cup of coffee or whatever. Now here's the
} important part. Instead of going back to your class reader, walk
} directly to the prey and sit down with her. You and her will be the
} only ones in the establishment that knows that something is awry. Eye
} contact again. Use a few choice seconds of silence to recompose(you'll
} need it). The silence also helps to freak her out. Then quietly,
} clearly and deliberately ask her this question:
} "What is your wildest dream?"
} If she can answer, be leery. You probably don't want her and you
} should chalk it up to experience only to start the whole process over
} again. If she can't answer, you're done. You've found your girl
} friend. If, but after openly revealing pleasant shock, she answers and
} you like the thought but can't supply means to supply that desire,
} suggest a counter wish. I used,
} "Would you settle for listening to some
} German new wave from the dawn of the
} previous decade that I've got on vinyl?"
} That, my dear groveless supplicate, is how I met Lisa.
} In summary, it's all told here at the Oracle Office. We are really
} here to answer all your questions(Kinzler 1:1).
} You owe the Oracle a fossil.