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Internet Oracularities #417

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Usenet Oracularities #417    (34 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Tue, 3 Mar 92 08:10:12 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
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   417
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

417   34 votes 2hd20 59h30 3be60 1ag70 34a89 255j3 7d932 3ae43 47a49 3948a
417   2.9 mean  2.4   2.5   2.7   2.9   3.5   3.5   2.4   2.8   3.2   3.4


417-01    (2hd20 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh entity greater then congress and a mind bigger than the deficit
> (that's pretty big)..... do tell
>
> What is a good classic play to take my girlfriend to see and how do I
> choose in the future if I can't get in touch with you?
>
> Thanks a million times over!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Hey, Lisa, let's go catch a play."
}
} "Like what? This had better be good, you know how I
}  really hated that dumb Christmas pageant..."
}
} "That was 153 years ago!"
}
} "Well, it was bad then, and it's bad now. What great
}  masterpiece are you planning this time, Orrie?"
}
} "Umm.. Our Town by Thornton Wilder?"
}
} "Oh, great! If I was your dead girlfriend, maybe!"
}
} "The Crucible?"
}
} "So you think I'm a witch?" (ZOT)
}
} "Ouch! OK, I'm sorry! How about MacBeth?"
}
} (ZOT)
}
} "Alright, sorry, sorry, SORRY!"
}
} "I'm waiting, Orrie darling.."
}
} "How about Hamlet? Julius Caesar? Romeo and Juliet?"
}
} "Orrie baby, let's talk about this death obsession
}  you and Bill Shakespeare seem to have.."
}
} "What death obsession? Look, how about Death of a
}  Salesm... oops."
}
} "I told you."
}
} "I DO NOT HAVE A DEATH OBSESSION!"
}
} "Well take me to a nice cheerful classic play then."
}
} "The Importance of Being Ernest?"
}
} "What? So you can learn how to run around and cheat on
}  me whilst keeping me completely in the dark?"
}
} "Maybe not then. Let's go to the movies instead."
}
} - Well there you go. Go and see a nice film instead,
}   like Ordinary People.
}
} - What?
}
} - I AM NOT DEATH OBSESSED!!!
}
} - OK then, how about The Witches of Eastwick?
}
} - So your girlfriend knows how to ZOT people too? Sorry.
}   Look, just stay at home. Or go catch a ball game. Or
}   something. Stop starting domestics in my house. You
}   owe the Oracle a better idea for a night out.


417-02    (59h30 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most perspicacious, stronger than a sunset, more beautiful
> than honey, and sweeter than Charles Atlas, I beg an answer.  Does Nair
> work on nose hairs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now *that's* grovelling I can really get into. Sort of.
}
} Nair works via a complicated process involving a mixture of hormones
} that don't so much remove hair but rather seduce it away. Placing Nair
} on the skin of one's leg causes a hormonal build-up in the hairs until
} they become sexually aroused, eventually leaving the follicle in
} search of a compatible partner. In normal people, the sexual response
} of hair is fairly effectively suppressed, so this doesn't happen very
} often (only a small rate of hair loss as a result). Bald people have
} levels of hormones that are too high, causing a build-up in their
} hair, and they have a consequently higher rate of hair loss.
}
} Thus, placing Nair in your nose to seduce away the nose hairs does
} work rather well. Unfortunately, the hormones also pass through the
} mucous membranes of the nose and into the user's blood, causing a
} similar reaction in the user as in the hairs. Normal human skin is,
} however, impermeable to Nair hormones.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Nair and a nasal wig.


417-03    (3be60 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh Oracle, most wise and knowing, whose morning breath can relieve
> nitrogen narcosis, whose disdain for Stupid Pet Tricks can be felt
> at distances measured in A.U.s, who feels all but doesn't kiss and
> tell, and whose adventures with the sensuous Lisa bring hope to the
> millions of rec.arts.erotica readers, please answer my question:
>
> Did Shakespeare mean
>
> "There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt
> of in your PHILOSOPHY."
>
> or
>
> "There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt
> of in YOUR philosophy."
> ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has pontificated upon your question for mighty eons, and
} thusly doth he answer:
}
} Shakespeare, William: purported author of more than a score of comedies
} and dramas involving kings and other personages, whose works have been
} selected by the Middle and High School Committees to Bore the Socks Off
} Students. Note: such works may actually be found enjoyable by those in
} college literature classes.
}
} The important word in the above text is *purported*. Shakespeare, or
} Shaka-So'pur as he is known in his native dimension, was a demon of
} uncanny cunning and guile, and trapped a mortal into serving him for
} eternity by authoring treatises under his chosen human name. This
} human, a certain Oswald Varley, sold his soul to Shaka-So'pur for
} immortality...not realizing that such a deal meant he would have to
} spend his existence locked in a third-floor room in a Best-Western
} on Interstate 35 somewhere near Des Moines. Varley is chained to a
} desk there writing prose to this day, ensuring that someday we will
} see the unearthing of Shakespeare's lost work, "Bill and Ted meet Romeo
} and Juliet".
}
} It is a crime that Varley should be confined thus, watching endless
} reruns of "The Love Boat" and Spanish editions of "My Mother the Car".
} Shaka-So'pur intends to bring the English literary circles to their
} highest triumph, then destroy them utterly.
}
} In fact, the passage about which you query has no real meaning.
} However, if you examine it carefully, using a Unix password encryption
} program, a CIA code from November 20, 1961, and a Captain Crunch
} decoder ring, you will see that the passage actually says:
}
} "Vroz nqwue oppsg bcxnutyyl, norgtul dcrangthul cornpoptos."
}
} ...ummm...excuse Me...
} Perhaps the Oracle needs a stronger prescription on his contact lenses.
}
} The passage actually says:
} "Please deliver me from inane Cable TV, and let me eat anything but
}  Chinese takeout!"
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of Gaiman and Pratchett's
} delightful novel, _Good Omens_.


417-04    (1ag70 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderous and awe-inspiring Oracle, whose smile is more dazzling
> than the finest diamond, whose grace and style far surpasses any
> olympic medalist, please answer my humble question.
>
> I have tried on many occasions to comprehend.  The sphere that may be
> repeatedly impacted against the ground while traveling, but may never
> be carried.  The glass and mesh receptacles that accept but do not
> hold the sphere.  The funny striped men who whistle and point and
> seem to hold all of the authority.  It just doesn't make any sense.
> Please explain this thing called "basketball".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know.. after how ever many years of getting grovelled to... I still
} enjoy it as much as the day I started..  Let me say, you grovel damn
} well sar.
}
} Hmm this game called basketball was not meant to be comprehended.  It
} was spawned, like many other sports, from the 'This is mine and you
} can't have it scumbag' idea.  The sphere you refer to could be any
} object as long as it is agreed at the beginning of play that it is to
} be the object of desire.
}
} The game play consists of a series of unspoken but all the same very
} known phrases, such as 'I'm gonna take this damn thing and I'm gunna
} shove it through that damn receptacle and there's nuthin' you're gunna
} do about it'. The unspoken but inferred response is, of course, 'Like
} hell you will you, you, you, you, turd breath!'
}
} Now the funny striped men who whistle and point a lot are really just
} insecure old men who have never been laid and have a temper to match.
} I don't know how they ever got involved with the game but seem to be
} always trying to attract attention to themselves in order to relieve
} their insecurities..  Some times I've noticed if the one referred to as
} the coach slips em a fiver or more the striped men can be made to
} restrict their actions to one end of the court.  I don't know how this
} works but seems to happen fairly often.
}
} Hope this has cleared things up for ya..
}
} You owe the Oracle a ticket to the Lakers next game.. and the
} international airfare to get there..


417-05    (34a89 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me:
>
>        How do I find a girlfriend ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Warmest welcome to the Usenet Oracle!  I see this is your first
} visit.  There's no need to be shy.  We are especially kind to
} first timers.
}
} _It is explicitly in Our By-Laws_.
}
} This is important because my publisher has recently enlarged my
} distribution list.  To think We started out with Crayola Press!
}
} Really glad you came to the right place with a question that
} needed to be anwsered.
}
} As a matter of editorialship, there is a very small matter to call
} out.  Read on. Fear not. You're doing great.
}
} Now, if one carefully reads Our help file, one notices that the
} "tellme" part needs to be in the "Subject:" line.  Well done!  For
} future reference, it does not have to be in the body of your
} question.  I know, it's all a bit confusing at first.  New account,
} new newsgroup, blah, blah.  Not to worry.
}
} However, We have a few . . . traditions here around the Oracle
} Office.  Not all are well documented in the help file.  Three points
} apply.
}
}    * One normally grovels before requesting advice of the
}      timeless Sage.  We tend to use the <Z>-word on those
}      who don't grovel.  That has very not nice side effects
}      on the supplicant.  _No_.  We will not use the <Z>-word
}      in this instance.  We don't like it.  We could supply
}      glorious examples of groveling, but they all belong now
}      to the public domain and We don't want to violate the
}      public domain. -- Great!  You get the idea!  _Me_, am I
}      happy.
}
}    * From the help file:  "[...] - try to be sensitive to
}      new participants[...]"  The importance of this can not
}      be underestimated by any mortal.  It takes a Sage.
}
}    * We, _in particular_, take the second bullet point to
}      the logical extreme.  We try to be sensitive to
}      _serious answers_.  It's immaculate, being Oracle.
}      It is it's own reward.
}
} With those most minor formalites cleared away, young man, let's
} turn to the problem at hand:  How We and you are going to get
} you a girl friend, a real one, with a worthy set of ethics,
} values, and a capacity of commitment -- someone who can reciprocate
} prossessiveness.  That is, someone upon whom you can plant your
} goals and oraculate,
}
}      My highest wish is that we consider ourselves each-
}      other's personal property:  You belong to me.  I own
}      you.  You are my personal property.
}
}      For that, I am you personal property.  You own me.  I
}      belong to you.  What is you wish?
}
} Often here at the Office We start off with (pre-)history.  Fossils
} are cute but this serious answer zooms right to the era when men
} hunted women and women gathered men.  Those are bygone days.
}
} The next important era in terms of girl friend pursuit is from
} circa 800 AD to 1802 AD.  These are the dates of the Holy Roman
} Empire which was loosely ruled out of the House of Habsburg of
} Vienna.  Voltaire observed that it was neither holy, roman, nor
} an empire and that was the end of that, though Napoleon helped on
} this point, too.  In the days of the Holy Roman Empire, the only
} way to pursue a mate was to join the right church.  There were no
} other means.
}
} The next era lasted until 1981.  In this time there were several
} routes: church ice cream socials, discotheques, bars, pubs,
} volunteer social work, computer dating, taking classes, video dating,
} fraternities, cafe's, bridge clubs, the Masons, friends of a friend,
} the Moose, grocery stores, the Open Door Born Again Bible Baptist
} Rod and Gun Club, random encounters, etc.  You get the idea.
}
} Now that things are in better perspective, this is what We want
} you to do in 1992.  For the next two weeks We what you to go out
} every other evening with a text book, a pad of paper, the
} appropriate class reader and go the the public spot of your choice,
} stake out a spot and do your homework.  Notice the people around you.
} If you are not attracted to any of the women, get up and try a
} different place...
}
} "Orrie!  What are you doing?"
}
} "Lisa, I'm fulfilling my destied role as Usenet Oracle."
}
} "But he didn't grovel.  I know how much you like it when people
} supplicate all over themselves.  What me to grovel(wry smile)?"
}
} "In a minute...It's his first time here.  Look at him.  He's
} combed his hair to a razor sharp part, a cow lick..."
}
} "AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE SIDE BURNS?!?!?!?!?"
}
} "LISA!  That's not polite!"
}
} "All right, Orrie; it'll be your way . . . coming to bed sooooon?"
}
} "Soon as I take care of this guy."
}
} [Purring, Lisa wanders off to bed.]
}
} Never mind about Lisa.  She types real fast and she's a wonderful
} distraction.
}
} Back to the problem at hand.  Make eye contact.  Don't wink, unless you
} use that subtle european variety where you close both eyes at the same
} time and hold them closed for a full second while mentally trained on
} the prey.  Yes, it dates back to the said hunting and gathering days as
} a gesture of trust but it's still effective.
}
} After you've choosen your mark and you think that she's noticed you,
} get up and buy another cup of coffee or whatever.  Now here's the
} important part.  Instead of going back to your class reader, walk
} directly to the prey and sit down with her.  You and her will be the
} only ones in the establishment that knows that something is awry.  Eye
} contact again. Use a few choice seconds of silence to recompose(you'll
} need it).  The silence also helps to freak her out.  Then quietly,
} clearly and deliberately ask her this question:
}
}                "What is your wildest dream?"
}
} If she can answer, be leery.  You probably don't want her and you
} should chalk it up to experience only to start the whole process over
} again.  If she can't answer, you're done.  You've found your girl
} friend. If, but after openly revealing pleasant shock, she answers and
} you like the thought but can't supply means to supply that desire,
} suggest a counter wish.  I used,
}
}                "Would you settle for listening to some
}                 German new wave from the dawn of the
}                 previous decade that I've got on vinyl?"
}
} That, my dear groveless supplicate, is how I met Lisa.
}
} In summary, it's all told here at the Oracle Office.  We are really
} here to answer all your questions(Kinzler 1:1).
}
} You owe the Oracle a fossil.


417-06    (255j3 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, source of all wisdom, please tell me:
> Why does Mary go Round?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                          MARY GOES ROUND
}                        (a play in one act)
}
}                         DRAMATIS PERSONAE
}
}               ORACLE-- a minor (but very powerful) diety.
}               LITTLE GIRL-- a young girl.
}
} (Act I, Scene i.  The scene opens on a sparsely furnished room.  Aside
}  from a cot, the only other piece of furniture is a massive oak desk.
}  Surprisingly, the only thing on the desk is a vt100 terminal.  ORACLE
}  is reading the terminal)
}
} ORACLE:  Hmm... this is a tough...
}
} <There is a knock at the door.  ORACLE looks up>
}
} ORACLE:  Blast!  Who could that be?
}
} <ORACLE opens door, revealing LITTLE GIRL>
}
} LITTLE GIRL:  Hello, my name is Mary.  My mother is making me go around
} to all of the houses in this neighborhood and apologize for what my
} lamb did to their lawns.  My allowance will be taken away for a week,
} and next time I'm caught feeding prunes and bran muffins to my lamb,
} it'll be taken away for a month.  Thank you."
}
} <LITTLE GIRL walks away.  Curtain falls>


417-07    (7d932 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who gargles at the fountain of wisdom thrice daily, your
> humbled supplicant beseeches you to answer a simple query:
>
> Solid paper has been around for millenia.
> Liquid paper was introduced in the late 70s.
> When will we have gaseous paper?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gaseous paper will be invented within the next decade, 1995 to be
} exact.  The scientist in charge is named Herbert Downwind.  Herbie got
} interested in the gaseous nature of things through his college, where
} he was heavily recruited by all the best fraternities because of his,
} ...er, gift.  His gift was to be able to place the origins of various
} and odoriferous flatulences.  Common at State U. was to here from
} accross the Student Union, ``Heeeeeeeey Herbie, guess what I had for
} lunch, <<RRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!>>'' And then, "I
} beleive that was corn dogs dunked in chili, with cheap beer.'' He was
} quite a sensation.  The first forms of gaseous paper will be huma
} produced, via a small pill one ingests.  Afterward, one judiciously
} places oneself upon the area to recieve the gaseous paper, and grunts
} really hard. This method will be generally frowned upon by professional
} women, who will discover the panty-hose balloon effect, much to the
} amusement of their male co-workers.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Chili-Con-Carne Enema.


417-08    (3ae43 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Supreme Being, if only my fingers were fit to type your name,
> I would spew mounds and mounds of praise and pleasantry upon you.
> Mayhaps you will take my humble offering of this pile of 16MB SIMMS I
> lifted from the Sun IPX manufacturing line, and grant me the boon of
> an answer:
>
> Why are my users such an incredible pain?  I, a lowly systems
> administrator, have no problem supporting tremendous networks of
> computers, but when users appear, somehow the strangest problems crop
> up, making it impossible for me to tend my flock and keep my systems
> happily humming.
>
> "My disk drive no longer functions," they say.  I open their box, only
> to find a piece of chewing gum attached to the end of a pencil inside,
> yet they have no idea WHY it is so.  "How do you get 'ls' to list my
> dot files?" they ask.  But I have told them more times than I can
> count how to use the glorious "man" function.  Things have not
> improved since I started spelling out the RTFM acronym to them.  "Is
> there any way I can make the '/' in UNIX filenames face the other way,
> like MS-DOS?" is another query I must deal with.  And then someone
> calls me with a "Word Perfect" under UNIX question, and I have to
> dig to the deepest fiber of my being not to slay the users with a
> piece of core from the old T-RAX experiemental CPU that lies in the
> back of the lab.
>
> Tell me, Oh Wonderous Being, does the IQ of an average user drop
> according to the power of the workstation he is sitting at?  Is it
> congenital?  Too much MSG in the chinese food?
>
> Enlighten me, and I shall be your slave forever.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question, although mundane at the outset, concerns The Deepest
} Truth: The Creation itself!
}
} In the beginning there were Me, Lisa and some minor deities unworthy of
} mention.  And we were truly bored.  Mind you, being omnipotent and
} bored is Boredom Itself; something no benevolent deity would want for
} His creatures.  Hence you were not made omnipotent.
}
} Anyway, we came up with the idea of "The Net": a model train, only
} infinitely more elaborate and complex, to play with.  We filled it with
} "supplicants" such as yourself, and divided them into ranks.  (You see,
} as omnipotent I could design it top down, even when doing it the first
} time.)
}
} I:      I (and Lisa, of course)
} II:     My Priesthood
} III:    System Administrators
} IV:     Users
} V:      Micro-computer users (they still have a chance of growing up)
} VI-...: Different levels of computer illiterates (sometimes also
}           referred as "the untouchables")
}
} You see, your rank is quite high: you rewrite the incoherent ramblings
} of your users into an aesthetic form my Priests accept as a Question
} worthy of my attention.  But your question shows a fundamental
} misunderstanding of the whole hierarchy: It is really upside down! Just
} as I, the Creator, must bear the consequences of my foolish action and
} answer these questions, you must cheerfully serve those less privileged
} by using your skill towards the general good and answering every silly
} question promptly, comprehensively, yet clearly and without technical
} jargon.  Then it is only just and meet that we should get some reward
} of our toils: I your grovelling, you the appreciative looks from your
} users (including the ones in senior management).  If the former is
} missing I'll <ZOT>; you can have the same effect with "kill -9".
}
}       It is not for you to ask me "What?"
}       Or else I'll get mad and <ZOT>!
}
} As to your quip about the IQ, you have stumbled upon my most
} fundamental design decision, written as a biological law called
} "technical evolution": It takes a few years to design a computer
} generation, but countless generations to redesign the biological
} computer.  This is the whole basis of the hierarchy above and The World
} As It Is Today; it is a blessing, not a curse!
}
} You owe Me nothing; we're in this mess together! (Let's get one thing
} straight, though: even though I can call you by your first name, the
} converse does not follow!)


417-09    (47a49 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and magnificent oracle who's mind would be a terrible thing to
> waste I (a  puny insignificant insect  in  comparison to  you) have  a
> question for you.  I've been considering buying  myself a new pet, and
> I can't seem to decide what type of pet I could trust.  You see it all
> start 20 years ago....  We were on patrol, and  it  was dark. We heard
> some rustling in the bushes ahead. I knew it was VC.  We all  got down
> on out bellies and just sat  there for a  while. Suddenly, they opened
> up on us and it  was real heavy.  The firfight lasted about 5 minutes.
> We just kept low and fired into  the bushes ahead  of us until  the VC
> stopped shooting back. Just when we thought we had got all of the VCs,
> i saw a labrador flying through the air towards us.  I managed to duck
> in time, but my  buddy Freddie wasn't as  lucky. He got hit square on.
> He would have been alright, because the dog just knocked the breth out
> of him. Thats  when the dog blew.  Freddie  lost his legs that  day. I
> can still hear his screams sometimes.  I  never saw a  labrador go off
> like that, but I had heard they had a bad temperment. I made a note to
> myself never to get a  dog after that.  I thought  that a cat might be
> nice, but that was until that siamese ambush of '62...
>
> We were on leave in d'nang. About six of us just sitting around taking
> it easy. It was nice to be off patrol. I remember hearing the sound of
> choppers in the distance. I didn't really  think much of it because we
> used choppers for everyhting over there.  But when I looked up, that's
> when I  saw the kittys. Bags  of 'em. Big bags.  I  heard someone yell
> "incomming",  and we all  scattered.  Cats were falling like  cats and
> dogs. Each one   packing a load. The   ones that didn't go  off clawed
> people to death. It was  the  single most  terrible moment of my tour.
> Freddie lost his arms that day. He never  was the same after that. The
> next day  they shipped him home.  I  got  a letter  from him about two
> months later. He had opened up an animal re-hab center in toledo. They
> took his arms and legs, but they couldn't take away his heart of gold.
>
> The rest of my tour  was pretty much  the same. If  it wasn't dogs, it
> was cats. Each  one packing a   load. I  heard that  the  VC was using
> horses and cows  during the  last years of  the  war. I'm sure glad  I
> wasn't there.
>
> I found  out earlier this week that   freddie died in a  shootout with
> police in ohio  after shooting  212 cats and  511  dogs in his  re-hab
> center.  Just finally got the best of him I guess.
>
> umm, where was I,  oh yes a  pet,  well  something to remember freddie
> buy, you know, what do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, it always gets me when you mortals fail to realize how
} dangerous pets can be.  Sure, Fluffy or Rover can be great companions
} and provide hours of enjoyment, but they can also explode in your
} face, causing death or dismemberment.  I'm sure you've heard the
} horror stories about the mustard-gas hamsters that the Germans used
} to lob into the allied bunkers during World War I.  Nasty things,
} those.  Anyway, if you want a SAFE pet, nothing is better than a
} simple goldfish.  You can name it Freddy, and it will always remind
} you of your friend because it also has no arms or legs.
}
} You owe the Oracle the exclusive rights to your life story.


417-10    (3948a dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, great of hart,
> who stuffs his sausage in a roe,
> large of mind, but small of hind,
> who always gets the doe,
> tell me, can you tell me, deer,
> why they say 'the buck stops here'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You ask me why "the buck stops here,"
} And now you must explore
} An answer that does not come near
} The cervine metaphor.
}
} For ruminants are not the source
} Of bucks that stop nearby;
} Nor is the action of a horse
} That throws its rider high.
}
} A dollar is a buck, you know.
} A sawbuck equals ten.
} But those bucks never stop; they go,
} So we must try again.
}
} Buck privates are the lowest rank
} -- they buck to be promoted.
} Buck naked means you show your flank,
} And buck knives must be noted.
}
} But none of these is just the buck
} That's passed until it stops.
} To find our buck, ask Lady Luck,
} And up the answer pops.
}
} In poker is our true buck found:
} A buck is just a chit
} That's passed from man to man around
} The table where they sit.
}
} To "pass the buck" means you won't bet,
} And now the meaning's clear:
} The one with nerve to go in debt
} Will say, "The buck stops here."
}
} The oracle has shown its stuff
} To dig this up for you.
} If "thank you" doesn't seem enough,
} How 'bout a buck or two?


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