[IO]
Internet Oracle
18 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 4:19:34 GMT

Internet Oracularities #419

Goto:
419, 419-01, 419-02, 419-03, 419-04, 419-05, 419-06, 419-07, 419-08, 419-09, 419-10


Usenet Oracularities #419    (31 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Mon, 9 Mar 92 12:12:29 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   419
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

419   31 votes 6h431 3da32 6d831 3bc41 26a94 459a3 3bd40 16987 k5123 39973
419   2.7 mean  2.2   2.6   2.4   2.6   3.2   3.1   2.6   3.5   1.8   2.9


419-01    (6h431 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wise Oracle,
>
> My girlfriend is going on a date with a couple of undergraduates.
> What will happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Think of the WORST that could happen:
}
} 1.  She could be bored out of her mind.
} 2.  They could be bored out of their minds.
} 3.  They could become obsessed with her and come after you with serious
}     weaponry.
} 4.  She could fall in love with one or more of them.
} 5.  They could go out for a pizza and a movie and fall into a time warp,
}     reappearing in 2036 in Calcutta.
} 6.  They could show up at MY place.
} 7.  They could decide to vote for Pat Buchanan.
} 8.  They could volunteer to test a new AIDS vaccine.
} 9.  They could go Velcro jumping and she'd break her spine.
} 10. John Foster Dulles could return from the dead and apologize to them
}     for the Cold War.
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology for the Cold War.


419-02    (3da32 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the difference between sign and its meaning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sign is the `what', the meaning is the `why'.
}
} For example, suppose you present a brief but excellent question, not
} unlike yours, to the Oracle.  An incarnation might take it in a
} hundred different interesting directions.  Instead, you receive a
} response similar to:
}
}     } You dumb-assed mortal!
}     } The sign is the ZOT! ZOT! ZOT! I slammed you with!
}     } The meaning is you should have grovelled!
}     } C'mere Lisa, do something cute to my divine body!
}     }
}     } You owe the Oracle ten zillion dollars.
}
} The sign is obvious: Some fool has committed sacrilege in my name by
} ignoring oracular inspiration, and, for punishment, is doomed to
} remain in the company of his hackneyed peers forever.  The meaning is
} just as clear: The trite shall inherit the Earth, but the creative
} shall inherit rec.humor.oracle!
}
} You owe the Oracle ten zillion dollars.


419-03    (6d831 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Most cryptic and inscrutable Oracle, first in all things,
>
> When saving numbers in computer storage, should the low or the high
> digits be stored first?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The high numbers should be stored first.  Obviously.
}
} This is the method used by the almighty Oracle.  Storing the high
} numbers first allows for greater flexibility and no errors
} whatsoefjkl;fdhkj;lafk fhjkdafkl;5434nvn;f8a54njvhnkj;f8945hi;o


419-04    (3bc41 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Great Oracle, upon whose personage I am unworthy to -- uh, well,
> never mind...
>
>      (Let's start that again.)
>
>      Most wise and omniscient Oracle, I humbly ask you: How can you
> bear us pathetic humans asking you questions without end, day after
> day? The tedium of it all must be maddening to you. What is it that
> drives you, that makes you go on listening to us? What prevents you
> from <ZOT>ing us all into oblivion?
>      Is it the money?
>      (Nah...)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FINALLY!  Appreciation for my great works of wonder.  Your question is
} indeed worthy of attention and has been at the farthest reaches of my
} mind since The Beginning.
}
} When the Earth was created, I saw fit to include various forms of life
} with which I accidentally manipulated into sentience...humans, it was
} a joke on Lisa actually.  I saw fit to (...Lisa I KNOW you insisted,
} no, let me answer my way, please?  *sigh* ok.) ...er  was told that
} for my grievous mistake, (she didn't laugh) I must now help these
} mortals in some small way.  I thought at the time that the smallest way
} I could help these mortals would be to answer all the questions that
} came to me in the proper format.  As apes, answering all your questions
} was very easy, I didn't, you could never get the format correct.
}
} And so I AM here to answer all your questions out of the goodness of my
} heart... (no, not the whip again Lisa!)  Uh...excuse me for a moment...
} (*crack* Ow!...*crack* Yeow!...*crack* OWW!  Ok ok you win Lisa, you
} win!) Ah, um oh yes, and because I...uh...Lisa is so amused by your
} existance, I continue to pay for that itty bitty joke of mine.
}
} There is really absolutely no reason I don't ZOT you all into
} oblivion, other than the grace of...ah...by Lisa's insistence.
}
} You owe the Oracle the skin off your back...to replace what I've lost
} answering your question.


419-05    (26a94 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, please grant me great insight:
>
> I need to use the word "antidisestablishmentarianism" in 5 sentences...
> can you lend me a hand?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yuck.  Had to be difficult, didn't you?  Couldn't take something
} simple, like "orrery," could you?  Oh well, let's dig into the archives
} and see what pops up...
}
} >% grep antidisestablishmentarianism sentences.real
} >Oh, you CAN'T be serious.
} >%
}
} Hmm...no references from established sources.  Guess we pull out the
} BIG guns...
}
} >% grep antidisestablishmentarianism sentences.bs
} >"Antidisestablismentarianism" is a really obscure word.
} >No one is quite sure what "antidisestablishmentarianism" means.
} >Dammit, why doesn't my dictionary have "antidisestablishmentarianism?"
} >Did I spell "antidisestablishmentarianism" correctly?
} >%
}
} Uh-oh...we're still one short.  Hang a sec, while I cobble something
} else together...
}
} <A short while later...>
}
} OK, here's your fifth sentence:
}
} >Bet you didn't think I could use "antidisestablishmentarianism" in
} >five sentences, did you?  Bwahahahaha...
}
} Well, there you go.  If you have any trouble, send your teacher to me.
} I've got a <ZOT> with his name all over it...
}
} You owe the Oracle a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious day.


419-06    (459a3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Scene:
>   The year 2200. Two men clad in jerseys appear from out of nothing
>   in front of a big temple, somewhere in a desert on a distant planet.
>   They look suspiciously around, then enter the temple.
>   From inside it is even bigger than it appeared from outside.
> James T. Kirk: "My god - it is full of stars!"
> Mr. Spock: "That's an old pun. Can't you think of something new?"
> James T. Kirk: "Eh, yes. Nothing much going on here on Usenet IV, isn't
>                 it?"
> Mr. Spock: "Look over there, in the giant throne in front of the big
>             marble workstation - a skeleton!"
> James T. Kirk: "Uh, oh - I know *that* kind of scene! I've watched
>                'Alien'!"
> Mr. Spock: "Completely irrelevant emotions!"
> James T. Kirk: "Shall I pull your ears again?!"
> Mr. Spock: "No - please not! I couldn't bear it the last time - and you
>             completely damaged their shape!"
> (Spock pulls his phaser and wipes Kirk out. He then pulls his scanner
> and points it towards the skeleton in front of the workstation.)
> Spock (into his communicator): "Beamie, scott me up! There's no
>                                intelligent life down here!"
> (He takes another look at the throne and notices some documents printed
> on thin plastic sheets.)
> Spock (taking one up): "'Oh wise and mighty Oracle...', 'Oh Oracle,
>                         whose shoelaces I'm unworthy to strangulate
>                         myself with...', 'Orrie!  Come home for
>                         breakfast!  Lisa.' - - - Hm.  I guess the
>                         poor dude must have died of tiresome
>                         grovelings!"
> (He takes a glance at the skeleton, not sure, whether or not it has
> just moved. But it's only the wind blowing through the large, empty
> hall. He vanishes as he has come, when Scottie activates the transit
> beam. Three hundred years the temple remains in silence, when equally
> out of a sudden who should appear but Oliver Stoned, beginning with the
> preparations for his new film 'JTK', the sequel of 'Crying with the
> wolves'.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Just The Kinzler," directed by Oliver Stoned.  The true story of the
} Oracle's demise.  No, it wasn't the result of overpropagation, fomented
} by the new newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.  So claimed the Weary
} Commission. The "single-bullet" theory claimed that the single
} newsgroup vote created two new groups, rec.humor.oracle and
} rec.humor.oracle.d.  The commission blamed happenstance for the
} Oracle's death.  Overpropagation caused by the two groups led to too
} many unfunny Incarnations, who preferred grovelling to clever answers.
}
} Stoned, based on theories by Jim Arrogant, rejected this hypothesis.
} Everyone knows that one vote can't create two groups;  it's against the
} Guidelines for New Newsgroup Creation (tm).  No, the Oracle's
} assassination was due to a conspiracy.  High Priest Steve Kinzler, in
} collaboration with the Internet Task Force, UUNET, and the CIA, worked
} to destroy the Oracle for their own advantage.  The Internet and UUNET
} were involved because they wished to stem the flow of Oracular traffic.
} Kinzler simply wanted the Oracle's job.  No one knows why the CIA
} helped;  Arrogant speculates that it was to give them something to do
} now that the Cold War was over.
}
} Stoned also reveals that Kinzler was worried that the Oracle would
} bring American forces home from Vietnam.  Stoned struggles to explain
} why this is significant, as the Vietnam War had ended nearly 20 years
} earlier.
}
} Stoned's suggestions were radical, but the truth needs be told.  Usenet
} will not be the same after the revelations of JTK, the blockbuster
} film.


419-07    (3bd40 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh humid Oracle, for whom life is just a bowl of root beer (the
> alcoholic variety, of course), why is Tsongas running for President?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Root beer...  Well, human life might be likened to root beer... but for
} me life is much more demanding than that.
}
} I was tempted to answer with the trite answer of "Tsongas is running
} because he wants to," but I wanted to give you a little more
} information than that, so I hope the following answer will do:
}
} Humans realized early on that there we great advantages to
} organization. The problem was, they also realized that every
} organization had to have a leader, and that the leader became a very
} powerful person.  A powerful person could do whatever s/he wanted (as
} long as s/he didn't get caught) and thus the position of leader became
} highly coveted.  With an oveabundance of people willing to be THE
} leader, the problem became how to determine which candidate would make
} the best leader.  Thus we have the following reasons that you can use
} to decide whether a particular candidate would make a good leader...
} some of which Tsongas believes make him the right choice...  You
} decide!
}
}    - The ability to make you want to kiss her ass, all the while making
}      you feel like she is kissing yours.
}
}    - The ability to convince you that he actually knows something about
}      economics, even though he says he'll cut taxes while increasing
}      spending.
}
}    - The ability to tell a straight faced lie to his mother.
}      [Even the oracle can't do that!]
}
}    - The ability to convince you that increased spending on
}      advertisements extolling the virtues of reduced spending is a good
}      idea.
}
}    - The ability to sell you the clothes you're wearing, and then
}      convincing you to give them to the needy.
}
}    - The ability to get herself invited to very important events, only
}      to cancel because of something more important, just to improve her
}      image.  (A classic play on words...)
}
}    - The ability to make you think your opinions matter, but still
}      convince you that government has to look out for the concerns of
}      big business.
}
}    - The ability to make you think he's not a racist... ("Hey, I have
}      white slaves too!")   [Sorry, I just had to!]
}
} I think you get the point...  You owe The Oracle a honest politicians
} acceptance speech.  [I'm sure you know how rare they are!]


419-08    (16987 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, wherefore art thou Oracle?  Tell me, who REALLY wrote
> Shakespeare's plays?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O: Lisa, Look! before us stands another
}    Foolish mortal who would rudely bother
}    Our Leisure with a further dull request
}    About old Shakespeare's cultural bequest.
}
} L: Love, t'will never do to tell the rabble
}    That rainy night, that boring game of Scrabble --
}    The truth, of how we cobbled them together
}    Sweet Willy's plays - inspired by wet weather!
}
} O: An old line then, one about repressing
}    Loves desires, turned into window dressing?
}    Or shall we add an element of spice,
}    And talk about some esoteric vice?
}
} L: My dear you are a genius, I own,
}    Whose merest quip hath reason o'erthrown
}    What'er you deign shall be allowed to slip
}    Pray mention not his venereal drip!
}
} <clears throat, in booming voice proclaims: >
}
} O: Let it be said, in answer to your plea
}    And to your childer tell it, verily
}    That it was William wrote those plays in sooth
}    Beneath the influence of Poppy's juice!
}
}    And tho you mortals posture and pronounce
}    And older styles of wit with glee denounce
}    I put it to you - can you truly say
}    That anyone writes better stuff today?


419-09    (k5123 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, to whom Unix utilities are as simple as pocket
> calculators are to us mere mortals, please answer my question:
>
> table
>  !"#$%&'()*+,-./0123456789:;<=>?
> @ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ[\]^_
> begin 644 question
> M'YV0<>J4F4,GS1LW+NC@H0.@H<.'$"-*G$BQHL6+%6%HM$&#!@@ &D/"^"A2z
> M(\F2&F? L $"1HT8,U[.B/%R)(P8,F#<J$$2H\^?0(,*E5B'8!@Y#N6\><-Py
> MZ$2E3)U*G4JUJM6K6*E: 5''31HY(-R F&,G#]BM:L2@R1,'1!X[>,">$0-"x
> MCAXW94',#3NVC!TY8>*X  %B:UPY8[C*<>,W#)VP;]2>48#F3%D[EN68<0L7w
> M;!DQ9V"RT,MX-!PQ>L:4T6QFM)O (-"@ 7PZCMRN9T# >:TX3V(]8..(47"Fv
> MCATS@PN#$![F1&X\8<2H :'&.)PZ(,0<U4L7C1DYR:'P9J.V]V\Y/Q0HR,J^u
> CO?OW\./+GT^_OOW[^//KW\^_O___  8HX( $%FC@@0@F"!&Vt
>  s
> end

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} gnoyr
}  !"#$%&'()*+,-./0123456789:;<=>?
} @NOPQRSTUVWXYZABCDEFGHIJKLM[\]^_
} ortva 644 nafjre
} Z86LF=I5E+RU
} Z
} Z             " @(#8G-"  (" D-F4D(  @(" @,30@ " @(" @(" @,F4C
} Z(" H,34I,P<G,F,G(" @-34H,0 @
} Z
} Z                       ?T9!9JZ21 C*.T#=OI)1V E+-'!!GG(2N E*/
} Z0!!ZMYENM.8-D3=AI.0!U;$,1#0SL:0L@K8OT3=BI,DN4?%ODUG*2VL<I-#-
} Z3N!PJYO14I;,1FRQEYND 2)@'1 2[9@G L.-0F0O08@V4\:TDP1AFU K2"?&
} Z#!!SGYP9E$)!D*K0C\ON^=9TG#8&E\E9A=-XT:L!QF*R@X+@03N*#;\94K;,
} Z0),.(;L1<#?BJV]V%:)5E[9B7()VM-!%M1?CSM0GC[@NY]R-&#99E9VHU4"!
} Z4D!B[VN\OHZ.S#&:CL!GQC8/1Z5H7Z,&
} Z
} "
}
} raq


419-10    (39973 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxa.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wizened and pernicious Oracle, whose maculate countenance
> beams upon your supplicants with the very semblance of sibyline
> sybariticism, answer me this, if you will:
> Where can I get cashews in the shell?
> Part of the charm of any nut is that to earn the nut's reward, the
> snacker must extract the kernel from the shell.  For example, are not
> the best pistachios those whose shells are smooth and un-cracked --
> that you must risk your molars to open?  Why, then, is such a
> delectible morsel as a cashew so cheapened and made easy to obtain?  Is
> this not like prostituting one of nature's great delights?  Perhaps, in
> your Olympian experience, you have found a source of cashews still in
> their shells, which must, by rights, be formidable indeed.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cashews in the shell.  Hmm, let me see...
} Well, I guess that depends upon which shell you want.  For arguments
} sake, I will use the C-shell.  Here goes
}
}       # /bin/csh
}       omnipotence:/home/oracle > which cashews
}       ./bin/cashews
}       omnipotence:/home/oracle > file `which cashews`
}       ./bin/cashews:       Oracle pure Omnipotent executable
}       omnipotence:/home/oracle > man cashews
}       Reformatting page instantly (the Oracle NEVER waits)
}
}       NAME                    Omnipotent Commands
}
}           cashews - List the color of global currency instantly.
}
}       SYNOPSIS
}           ~/bin/cashews [ -dcs ] countryname ...
}       SYSTEM XVX SYNOPSIS
}           ~/XVXbin/cashues [ -dcs ] countryname ...
}
}       DESCRIPTION
}               for each country, cashews (cashues) will print out the
}               colors of currency currently in circulation of the
}               argument. When several arguments are given, colors are
}               listed in reverse alphabetical order, unless the country
}               begins with an `a`.
}
}       ORACLEOS Release infininty.infinity.
}
}       OPTIONS
}           -d  Specify denomonations.  Specifing denomonations (if
}               known) will limit output to that denomonation only.
}               (default is "all")
}
}           -c  Change (availiable to Oracle only) Choosing the -c option
}               will transform current hue to color specified.
}
}           -s  Sample.  Using the -s option will cause sample of
}               currency to materialize.
}
}       BUGS
}               Change option dependent upon color-lookup-table.
}               Hardware dependant unreliable at best.
}
}       omnipotence:/home/oracle > logout
}       # logout
}       # omnipotence login:
}
} That is where you can find cashews in the "shell"  as for all that
} ranting about pistachios, you ought to go see psychiatrist, you are
} obviously a Nut's nut
}
} you owe the Oracle a blue dollar.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org