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Internet Oracularities #42

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42, 42-01, 42-02, 42-03, 42-04, 42-05, 42-06, 42-07, 42-08, 42-09, 42-10


Usenet Oracularities #42
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 3 Nov 89 00:57:01 GMT

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42-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How safe is it to use my Mac in the tub?  I have been doing this now for
> a few months because I find it relaxing to bathe when I work.  I have
> never had any proble any problems since I keep it perched on a board on
> the ledge, but I have had thes
>
> ---Error: Unexpected shutdown
> mail.file intact
> Aborting /mail/user/sys
> EOT

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is perfectly safe to use your Mac in the tub, as long as you observe
} these simple precautions.
} 1 Don't use the mouse.  Mice are ordinarily scared into quiescence by
}   the presence of a human, so that they don't move except when you move
}   them. (But ever notice how much they run around overnight?) However,
}   mice are fearless swimmers, so that if you use a mouse, it will
}   probably dive into the bathtub and swim around, clicking madly.  This
}   will cause all kind of havoc with your document.
} 2 Wrap the keyboard in several layers of latex.  I recommend split
}   condoms.  Aside from protection against water, this will keep you from
}   getting pregnant.  Yes, I know you're male.  Lots of men have children
}   because they didn't know that *Macs can make men pregnant*.  It's
}   especially dangerous if you have your clothes off!
} 3 Fill the bathtub with olive oil instead of water.  Olive oil is
}   non-conductive and smells better than plain water.  Furthermore, it
}   will lubricate your Macintosh disk drive.
} 4 Wear a hat with three leeks and an emu's feather on it.  This will
}   keep away Brikkenakkle, the evil genie who haunts computer systems.


42-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it hard to fondle penguins?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Generally, yes.  This is a direct result of the difficulty one has in
} finding those aquatic waiters in tuxedos.  Additionally, people who
} scale the fences and brave the trenches at zoos so they can feel up the
} resident water fowl have traditionally been locked up...
}
} They also have very small genitals.
}
} The oracle demands an "Opus in the Shower" stuffed toy.


42-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A unicorn stepped on my foot.  Now I limp all the time.  What should I
> do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unicorns step on the feet of naughty virgins -- virgins who have tried
} hard to lose their virginity but have failed miserably because nobody
} will have anything to do with them.  Though a virgin can tame a unicorn,
} the noble beasts look with disdain on poor schmucks who spend all their
} time trying to get bedded but cannot.  You have the Oracle's sympathy.
} See a good orthopedic surgeon about that limp, or get a cane for that
} Byronic look that drives the babes wild.


42-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Igglesworth up to now, Senator?  (And why have I started calling
> you Senator again?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Igglesworth has had gender-reassignment surgery.  He still looks like a
} man in drag.  Really it's pathetic.
}
} Clearly you are confusing the Oracle with J.  Danforth Quayle, due to
} the fact that both are based in Indiana.  But you should be calling the
} Oracle ``Mr.  Vice-President'' now.  At any rate (even $100,000.00 /
} minute), the Oracle is offended that you should confuse it with Quayle.


42-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a drukojim?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A "drukojim"?  Lemme check the OED for a picosec.  Ahem, here we are:
}
} drukojim (droo ko' jem) n. A meaningless word often asked to omniscient
}  oracles by filthy, grovelling insignificant worms.
}
}
} (Source, the "Unabridged Oracle Edification Dictionary")
}
}
} A curious fact, however, is that a "mijokurd" is a small yak herder from
} the mountains of Kashmere.  The mijokurdese word for "the smallest yak
} dropping still big enough to be used to fuel a fire used for curing
} hides" is "Dru".  Also, the year in that region is divided into the 10
} month "dotak" season (that is, the time when it is so cold that even
} sneezing is dangerous because a snootfull of frozen mucus can be
} deadly), the 45 day "mosak" (that is, the time of year when it is warm
} enough to sneeze, but still to damn cold to do anything BUT sneeze and
} pick up yak droppings) and the 15 day "sajak".  The "sajak" is the two
} week period of intense discomfort when it gets so hot that every exposed
} piece of skin peels, and the yaks go into heat.  Since your name is Jim,
} then an alternative meaning to Drukojim is:
}
} "The smallest yak dropping still big enough to be used to fuel a fire
}  used for curing the skin off your nose which peels every summer."
}
} The oracle doth finish the speaking which falls down among the mortals
} as pearls from the vault of heaven.  Dig it, chump.


42-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why do humans have a backup of less important items (testicles, kidneys,
> lungs), yet only one copy of more important organs (penis, brain,
> clitoris)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They want to emphasize how important the organ is.  If you had only one
} testicle, kidney, or lung, you'd think it was as important as a penis or
} brain.
}
} You owe the Oracle one testacle, one kidney, and one lung.


42-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, since you are but an abstract entity made up of hundreds of
> minds rather than the traditional one, do you represent the voice of
> America?  Or are you merely as a beehive or anthill: one will made up
> of many?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many are the people, and many the computer geeks, in whom I am manifest
} from time to time.  I transcend the boundaries of America.


42-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a Birf and, if I get one for Lisa, will she make love to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you get one FROM Lisa, chances are she will have made love to you.


42-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will asking oracle questions lead me to God?  or the Goddess?  or the
> Giant Elephant?  or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Asking the Oracle questions will definitely lead you to What.  You will
} find yourself saying ``what?'' more and more often.  Occasional Catholic
} answers are possible when the Oracle is in a frolicsome mood, but on the
} whole the Oracle leads to pleasant confusion and agreeably wasted time.
}
} The Giant Elephant is under Oracular protection because Its ivory is at
} risk.  Therefore the Oracle will not lead _anybody_ to the Giant
} Elephant, and it is not true that the Oracle is going to do the Elephant
} in and sell the ivory on the black market.  No way.  Besides, selling
} more than the tiniest fraction would drive the market price down, and --
} no, I didn't say that, you didn't read that, forget what you just read,
} you are forgetting what you just read...  Really, the Oracle and the
} Elephant are good friends, honestly.


42-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the appeal of high-energy laundry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Your Whites will be Whiter!  Your Colors will be Brighter!
}    Your Family will be More Popular!  Your Socks will be able
}    to make The Return Trip from that Other Dimension!  You'll
}    have Better Sex!  You'll Waste Less Water!  You'll be rid
}    of that Pesky Static Cling!  You'll smell Lemon Fresh!
}    You'll be rid of That Embarassing Ring-Around-The-Collar!
}    You'll Never See a Sweat Stain again!  You'll be Healthier,
}    Happier, A Conscious Consumer!  You'll never be Ashamed to
}    wear that Slinky White Dress again!
}
}    In other words, you'll be a total dupe to the Dogs of
}    Madison Avenue.
}
}    You owe the Oracle three Advertising Executive Skins.


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